A Christmas in the Pines (2021)

Director: Gary Wheeler

Writer(s): Natasha Baron
Starring: Jillian Murray, Dean Geyer, Leigh-Allyn Baker and Grant Godeve

Well I think we’re finally starting to round out the holiday season, and what a ride it’s been: After getting off to a great start, the quality of movies seemed to quickly decrease the closer to Christmas we got. Was it just a case of rom-com burnout, or just the way things worked out? I’m not sure the answer to that, but what I do know is that we’ve got a review of A Christmas in the Pines forthcoming. Will this end the streak of awfulness, or contribute to it?

You know how all these vapid holiday love stories have ridiculous plotlines? I mean, that’s part of the draw: escapism in its highest form. These movies aren’t just content to put the two leads in true love, but they have to run through every trope possible on their way to getting there. There’s the interrupted kiss; the misunderstanding that leads to a fight; the initial “hatred” of each other that soon blossoms into neverending passion (why do characters in these movies always have to hate each other in the beginning); the list goes on and on.

A Christmas in the Pines takes the creative license afforded these movies, and shoves it right out the window; it's almost a masterclass in the ludicrous. For some, that might be part of its appeal; for others, who like their love stories to be more straightforward and “traditional”, it might be a turn-off. Personally, I find myself somewhere in between the two camps.

Ariel Colt is a young(ish) woman looking to purchase a cottage, just because she wants one. (That’s a rather expensive impulse buy.) Right after she signs on the dotted line, another interested party enters the house…this is Mark, a young, handsome man who also has his heart set on buying it. Well, Ariel signed it first, so it belongs to her, right? Not exactly. Instead, through some weird glitch in the system, the buyer accepted both offers. That means the two of them own the same house.

In order to decide who “deserves” it, the realtors set up a little game: whoever goes beyond the land’s boundaries first loses, which then transfers the cottage to the remaining person. 

At first, Ariel seems to hate Mark, only we know she doesn’t. Why do these movies think it’s cute to have the characters hate each other at first? I mean, I get that people like the kind of dramatic, up-and-down relationships, and I can see it happening once in a while, but it seems like every holiday movie these days requires one lead to initially hate the other.That doesn’t seem very Christmaslike!

Well, are you following me so far? It’s pretty ridiculous, right? Well, buckle yourselves in, because it’s about to get even worse: Desperate to get Ariel to break, Mark calls in his family to come visit him, hoping their appearance will drive Ariel out. In an attempt to fight back, Ariel does the same…only to have both sets of parents get along famously. So now what do they do? Well, there’s nothing really left for them to do besides fall in love.

If it sounds like it’s entertaining, it’s not really; at least, not as much as it should be. The best thing in the whole movie: Mark’s dad’s terrifying smile, which he flashes at a couple different points. It’s so over-the-top we had to rewind it just to make sure we saw things correctly…we did. Outside of that, there’s not really anything all that interesting: the dynamics are okay between the two, but I wouldn’t say chemistry is a strong suit. It’s decent enough to be serviceable, but there’s definitely no “gotta have you” feeling radiating off either one.

Despite the dad’s creepy smile, the cast is actually pretty likable all-around, which makes what should be an irredeemably sappy story at least somewhat palatable. There really isn’t much in the way of humor, aside from the typical lame dad-style jokes that (I think) are supposed to fall flat; unfortunately, that just leaves an increasingly implausible love story as its central premise, with two leads who feel rather indifferent about each other.

Does it snap the streak of awful Christmas movies? Technically, but only because the past couple are the worst we’ve seen all season. This is a slight improvement over those, but given the ridiculous premise, isn’t anywhere near as entertaining as it should have been. The two lovebirds aren't the only ones that are indifferent about this.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

It's not enough to just read about the smile. You gotta see the smile.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 4.5/10

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A California Christmas: City Lights (2021)

Director: Shaun Paul Piccinino
Writer(s): Lauren Swickard
Starring: Lauren Swickard, Josh Swickard, Ali Afshar and David Del Rio

There are some things that should just be left alone. And yet, it seems to be human nature to mess with it until it becomes a steaming pile of shit. That extends even into the world of lame rom-coms, although generally to a much lesser extent considering the first one is usually pretty bad on its own. However, recent proof comes in the form of The Princess Switch trilogy, which actually had an entertaining first entry, but has steadily gotten worse with each release.

The latest example of this mystifying phenomenon is A California Christmas: City Lights. The first one was about as close to low-budget sappy romantic perfection as you can get. It came out of nowhere, delivered a solid premise with some likable characters and two perfect, attractive leads with a rare chemistry seen in these movies (it comes as no surprise they are married in real life); it all felt so…effortless. Sure, it was a basic, by-the-numbers premise, but it was executed well.

City Lights, however, doesn’t waste any time in dragging down the potential franchise. This isn’t just “lesser” than the first one, nor is it merely “inferior”; this one falls face first off a cliff. It reduces (or removes) everything that was great about the first one, while simultaneously increasing all the things the first one was missing that made it so good.

Like the story. In the first one, you may recall, Joseph stole the identity of a man named Manny in order to work at a farm he was hoping to acquire for his company. Well, he meets the owner of the land - an attractive girl named Callie who just so happens to be his age - and the two of them start a relationship so strong, that Joseph leaves his successful big city world behind.

But now it’s about to catch up with him. Flash forward a year from the events of the first one: The duo are still in love, living on the same land, where they run both a farm, and a winery. But as we know, things can never be smooth for long: Joseph gets a call from his mother, who runs Van Aston Enterprises - the family business - informing him that she is stepping down, effective immediately. Okay, why should he care? Because he’s next in line to run it, of course!

I love how in these movies no one can ever say no. He’s happy with his current life, and yet - when faced with this sudden thing he has no control over - he can’t just have his mom give the company to someone else? Or given the urgency, find someone to temporarily cover until he can figure out a plan? But no, he has to drop everything and take the first plane out to California, with his wife in tow. And boy does she learn a thing or two about her husband that she - presumably - didn’t already know. Like how he was a playboy, and lived his life in excess. You would think these things would get discussed before marriage, but they never seem to be in the movies.

Anyway, long story short, Joseph lets the big city life get to his head, while Callie starts spending more time with her former fiance’s (who died) brother, who runs a soup kitchen and plays the male lead in a two-person play involving the Virgin Mary (I forget who he plays…Jesus maybe? I don’t know.) The two share a weird connection, where you think it might turn romantic, but it never does…yet that doesn’t stop the two-faced snake Victoria (it’s always a Victoria), Joseph’s former colleague and romantic interest, from attempting to blow it out of proportion in order to get Joseph to leave her. Ho-fucking-hum.

This one is a misguided mess from the outset. When you have two married leads with a believable connection, you would think that’s something your story should focus on. After all, that’s the entire point of the whole romance subgenre. People don’t watch these tired retreads for the stories; they watch them to see two attractive people go through (lighthearted) hell to form some kind of ridiculously over-the-top bond that, presumably, lasts a lifetime. (A great plot for a spoof would be to follow a couple from a previous rom-com, faux-documentary style, as they’re now out of love and washed-up versions of their former selves.) A California Christmas: City Lights makes the unforgivable decision to shy away from the intense attraction the two stars have for each other, instead surrounding them with a bloated story that can’t help but steal the spotlight.

It also makes the mistake of giving the supporting castt nothing meaningful to do. While Manny and Joseph’s limo driver - two excellent, likable characters from the original movie - make a return, they are pretty much expendable. The limo driver is barely in it at all, and while Manny sees an increase in screen time, he literally spends it all trying to capture the attention, and the heart, of a woman who is helping him out on the farm. That’s great he gets a love interest, and the girl he falls for is cute, but it quickly becomes not only repetitive, but completely unnecessary. Especially considering the overblown plot, which gives Joseph and Callie far too much screen time already.

I’m shocked to discover that, like the first one, this mess was written by Lauren Swickard, who plays Callie. One would think she would tailor the story to suit the strengths of those involved, but instead she’s responsible for this one-note mess, which takes the series into a new direction that hopefully leads to no further movies.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• The “stitches” subplot involving Hannah is classically retarded. She’s also a shit actress.
• Speaking of which, what is the point of her anyway? Just to show up in a couple scenes and whine? Yet another example of unnecessary characters added to an overinflated story.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

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Always and Forever Christmas (2019)

Director: Siobhan Devine
Writer(s): Blaine Chiappetta and Damon Tod Hill

Starring: Lexi Lawson, Mark Ghanimé, Beth Broderick and Cardi Wong

And the total landslide of shit holiday movies continues. How did I think we could have gotten away with having a whole season of “good” Christmas movies? Of course I should have known it would regress to the means at some point, but I didn’t know just how quickly things could backslide in such a short amount of time. 

Admittedly, we were “forced” to watch this movie by accident, when my wife - who was just trying to read more information on it - accidentally “borrowed” it from hoopla. I mean, we could have easily just borrowed something else (our limit was recently upped to 14 borrows per month) and let this one go to waste, but we didn’t want to spend our library's hard-earned money for nothing, so we sucked it up and jumped right in. After all, it saved us several minutes of searching for something potentially better.

Spending that time would have been worth it, because this is one of those cheery movies that attempts to mask the irredeemable selfishness of its main character underneath the facade of holiday happiness. It asks us to care for a character that no one should care for, a bad actress, and a chemistry-less romance; any of those are potentially lethal combinations, but all of them together equals an unforgivable mess of cataclysmic proportions.

Lucy is a woman from L.A. (why is it always L.A.?) with a disappearing upper lip, who inherits her family's Christmas store following the death of her grandfather. So what does she plan to do with her grandfather’s pride and joy, which also happens to be the most beloved shop in the entire small town (why does it always have to be a small town?), and the one she used to help out with when she was a child? She’s going to sell it. All those precious memories down the fucking drain, with nary a second thought.

That’s the first fatal flaw: In any other movie, she would be presented as a selfish cunt who is only after her own interests. I mean, that’s exactly what she is. She’s selling the family heirloom simply because she loves her L.A. life and doesn’t want to give it up to take care of some shop that she has no interest in. Nevermind what everyone else thinks about it (including her grandfather, who must be rolling around in his grave): Her opinion is the only one that matters, and she wants to push this sale through as quickly as possible so she can get back to her busy California lifestyle. But since we are supposed to care for her and cheer for her to succeed, all of those negative traits are hidden under smiling faces and cheeriness. 

So selfish is she that she never stops to even contemplate other options until the very end, like how she could hire someone to run the shop in her absence while she simply rakes in the dough as the owner while still living her best life in California. And, so dumb is she that she decides to create a website for a business that’s going to be closing down in two weeks. That's right: she puts all of the products online, giving them a web presence just in time for it to close down. Well, business clearly isn’t her strong suit. Great job, grandpa. 

But of course things don’t go according to her plan. The year-round Christmas shop has a few tricks up its sleeve to prevent Lucy from selling, like Carol, the seasonal hire who seems to have some sort of magical powers (it doesn’t take long to figure out who she is). Oh, and the shop itself, which also harbors magical powers capable enough to ensure that every customer gets the perfect gift. 

As if this isn't lame enough, there has to be the obligatory romance, which unfortunately isn’t all that interesting: Lucy’s beau here is Scott, the owner of a diner across the street. For whatever reason, he’s smitten by Lucy at first sight, and will do whatever he can to win her heart. Well, he’s willing to do everything except tell her how he feels. You know, because hiding your feelings is the best way to get a girl. She's also against the idea at first; remember she wants to get out of her hometown as quickly as possible, and doesn't have any time to entertain the thought of dating a smalltown boy!

Anyway, whatever. We all know how this one’s going to end. This is just another dull foray into the holiday romance subgenre that’s done in by a lead who’s not attractive enough to overcome her deeply-flawed personality, and a love story that takes second stage to the “drama” of her trying to sell the store. As if we're all on the edge of our seats wondering what will happen next.

Does anyone remember romance movies where love actually took center stage?

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• In the scene where Lucy’s mom gets out of the car at the end, why does she look like she’s in the middle of having a stroke?
• Why is everyone in town so cheery? Even though Lucy comes in simply to shut it down, and even though all of them are sad to see the store go, none of them harbor any ill will towards her. Even Randall, her co-worker, who knows he will be out of a job once the bitch’s deal goes through.
• The side story between Randall and the delivery girl is all sorts of cringe, adding another layer to a story that’s already cringe to begin with.
• Dig the Wix advertisement
• When yet another person questions her decision to create a website with the store closing in less than a month: “Why does everyone keep saying that?”
• How do ideas like this get greenlit?
• Have I mentioned how much I hate Lucy? She has to be one of the worst characters ever written in a holiday movie.
• I swear the director's only direction to all the elderly extras was: "Act as unconvincingly cheery as possible!" No person who's knocking on death's store is going to be filled with that much joy. Plus, we all know old people are entitled know-it-alls to think they deserve the world because they've lived in it for so long.
• That must be a pretty miserable closing sale: Despite their assurances to the contrary, there's a lot of inventory left on those walls. 

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

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Christmas in the Wilds (2021)

Director: Justin G. Dyck

Writer(s): Neal Kimmel
Starring: Kaitlyn Leeb, Laura Vandervoort, Victor Zinck Jr., Melinda Shankar

Well, well, well, I should have known I would end up jinxing us: After mentioning how many Christmas movies were above average this year, we started running into a couple snags. And that streak continues with Christmas in the Wilds, an adventure movie without action, and a romance movie without any actual romance.

Imagine Mr. Magoo trying to direct a movie, and that’s about what you end up with here: It’s a bumbling mess of a movie that tries to do too much and ends up accomplishing nothing. There’s not much in the way of humor, leaving the whole atmosphere just feeling dry and lifeless, kind of like the male lead. By the midway point, my wife turned to me and asked, “Are we supposed to be cheering for these people?” which is an excellent question that I had no idea how to accurately answer; a question that gets even harder to fathom by the end.

All this failure is a double-shame, considering it stars the usually-reliable Kaitlyn Leeb as Jessica, a woman who is going to meet her boyfriend’s family for the first time. Well, of course it’s not his entire family, because his father passed away. You see, having a relative be dead is the perfect way to avoid having to come up with any sort of heart-tugging backstory; death = automatic sadness. It's a shortcut these writers seem to fall back on with more and more frequency every year.

Anyway, her boyfriend is Buck, a man just about as unattractive as Leeb is stunning, which already gets things off on the wrong foot. He is a forest ranger, and one who’s known far and wide for his bravery and know-how. He’s also a pilot, because why not? Oh, and another thing you should know: his ex-girlfriend, Meg, is a former colleague, also because why not? AND he never told Jessica about working so close to his ex-colleague. Because...you guessed it: why not?

Even though Christmas plays a minor role in this garbage, our story actually starts around Thanksgiving, when Buck receives word, from Meg no less, that a huge storm is threatening their area, and they could use an extra set of hands to help with potential injuries. He assures Jessica it will only be temporary, and then leaves her there alone with his family, despite the fact his mom isn't really feeling her.

“A few days” turns into “a few more days”, which turns into “a couple weeks”, which turns into "a month". It’s now Christmas Eve: Buck finally starts to head home to Jessica, but needs to refuel his plane, and conveniently the roads are shut down from a terrible storm, even though the weather in every scene is mild, at best. At first, the two would-be lovers plan on seeing each other on New Years instead…until Jessica gets a wild idea: Instead of waiting for him to come home, why doesn’t she go to meet him instead? Buck likes the idea, and agrees to meet her halfway via snowmobile, taking his ex-girlfriend with him as a guide, in a decision that’s one of many that will leave you questioning whether the writers were concussed, or sniffing inhalants during the writing process. 

Halfway to the halfway point (?) of her journey, Jessica loses control of her Jeep on an icy patch, getting it stuck in a snowbank off the side of the road. Unable to get it out, she stumbles on the house of a black man dressed as Santa Claus, who is getting ready for the town’s Christmas parade (?). His truck is being worked on, so he’s unable to offer her a ride, but what he does happen to have are sled dogs. Yes, for real. And even more insane: He lets her “borrow” them without so much as a second thought, and without even testing her abilities to control them.

So Jessica sets out with the man’s sled dogs to make the remainder of the trek to Buck’s location. She finally tracks them down, just in time to see them getting cozy together next to a fire, which starts the obligatory argument between the two. Buck assures her nothing has happened between them, and finally gets her to trust him…just as one of the sled dogs gets its leg stuck in an old fox trap. That’ll teach Black Santa to hand his dogs out to any rando who asks to borrow them next time!

Buck suggests that the three of them head to the cabin together, probably hoping for a threesome, but that idea is quashed by Jessica, who exclaims “She’s coming with us?!” Thankfully, the would-be homewrecker senses she’s not wanted, and offers to head back to the base, taking the wounded sled dog with her to get it some much-needed treatment.

And we’re supposed to be cheering for this stupid primate, who is too ignorant to realize that inviting his ex-girlfriend to what was supposed to be an intimate one-on-one getaway to a cozy cottage with his current girlfriend, is a big no-no? And, even more unforgivable, Jessica not only tolerates this behavior, but is still somehow enamored with him? Holy mother of fuck. 

Unfortunately the trek isn’t quite over yet: The only way to get to the cabin is to cross a treacherous, raging creek. Somehow, the 100 pound woman has no issues crossing, but the large gorilla man gets swept away by the current, finally managing to pull himself out of the freezing-cold water several hundred feet downstream. Jessica helps him get out, where he tosses his wet and freezing clothes away, and then they finally make it to the cabin where he’s able to warm up, and put on the ugliest, most ill-fitting fucking pajamas imaginable. 

A reminder: This isn't some couple who's been together for years and have a deep, undying love for each other: This is a couple that has only been together for “a few” months. Essentially, these are just two people who barely know each other, going through more than most married couples would do, just to give each other the most unromantic peck on the lips in movie history at the end. 

I think this is all supposed to show the great lengths two lovers will go to reunite, even in the face of danger, but it's closer in appearance to "the lengths two highly desperate people will go to just to have something to live for." There's not one moment of one scene anywhere that's even borderline romantic: I think Buck would fuck his job before he would get intimate with Jessica, as that's all the hideous beast will talk about the entire time. It's like fate is a magnet that 

I rate these haphazard movies on an “entertainment rating” scale, which is different from the ratings I give to “normal” movies. Usually, a movie like this - where one unconvincing thing happens right after another - would score relatively high, because watching a mess like that is the very definition of entertaining. But this one just…isn’t. Kaitlyn Leeb is always cute in whatever role she’s in, but aside from being likable, she still comes off as a complete moron. Who’s going to go to these great lengths just to see some unattractive baboon after six months of dating? 

If you like watching love stories totally devoid of any emotion whatsoever, and enjoy movies where you cheer against seeing the two leads getting together - even though you know they will - you might enjoy this one. However, I’m in both camps, and this was still a raging waste of my time. 

Fuck. 

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• How in the fuck does Buck keep the meteorite rock that Jessica gives him, which he then eventually proposes with? It’s in the pocket of his coat, which gets soaked in water after he falls in, and that he removes outside in a bid to stay warm. Or maybe it was in his backpack, which gets swept away by a current and is never recovered. Then, he somehow has it in the pocket of the ugly pajamas he puts on. Great awareness saving that fucking worthless rock.
• I didn’t even touch on Buck’s PTSD from fighting in the war, which crops up when Meg starts a snowmobile (something he equates with bombs going off even though he rode one himself earlier), and the howling of wolves (which would remind him of…what, the whistling sound of incoming bombs? I don’t fucking know.)
• Astonishingly, this is a sequel to Romance in the Wilds, in which the same two leads play the same characters, only they get stuck in a forest wildfire. I’m sure there’s plenty of “romance” to go around in that one, too.
• I also haven’t mentioned Roma, a girl apparently named after a tomato, which is Buck’s sister, and whom Jessica entrusts to watch her dog despite Roma’s aversion to dogs. She even gets a sidestory, in which she searches for her one true love: A soldier who went MIA in Afghanistan.
• I'm still at a loss for words how Justin G. Dyck goes from directing several sappy love-fests, to directing the solid horror film Anything for Jackson, and then immediately goes back to directing another series of these insipid gag-fests. That guy clearly has some talent, and it's being squandered on this junk. 

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 1/10

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A Winter Romance (aka Colors of Love) (2021)

Director: Bradley Walsh
Writer(s): Emily Golden
Starring: Jessica Lowndes, Chad Michael Murray, Dennis Andres and Michael Brown

Taylor Harris (it’s a she) is a librarian who loves to research boring historical topics, as we learn in the over-the-top opening scene where she disproves some kind of historical theory just from reading excerpts from a book, while exchanging over-the-top cringe-smiles with her research partner. But that campy happiness is short-lived,when her boss informs her - in the middle of the library and rather nonchalantly - that funding for the library has been cut, and she is being let go.

She turns to her brother for support, and that’s when he offers her the chance to stay with him and his wife, in Forest Ridge, or whatever the dumb small town is called. She is initially reluctant, but thankfully (is that the right word) agrees to go just so that we have something to watch, besides her looking for jobs during the day, and crying herself to sleep every night.

Tragedy strikes poor Taylor immediately, when during her trek - on dry pavement and during a very mild autumn day - she somehow hits “black ice” and is thrust off the road. Common sense dictates that whoever shows up first is the one she will end up falling for: If that’s the case, it’s Chad Michael Murray! Well, it’s technically Joel, but he is played by Chad Michael Murray. 

Joel is a man who has made millions in the tech industry of California, and is in Forest Ridge to turn one of their antiquated hotels into a popular tourist destination. This could potentially be a good idea for a number of reasons - bringing extra jobs to the city, as well as loads of extra money - but of course the old-fashioned townsfolk are quick to refuse the idea. That hotel, the Graff, holds so many good memories that they don’t want to see it turned into some sort of fancy resort.

But why is Joel targeting Forest Ridge out of all the other podunk villages in the world? Why, because he himself was raised there! Gasp! 

Taylor takes a liking to Joel, obviously unaware of both his status as a “tech bro” - namely, a douchebag who makes a vast majority of his money in the technology sector (and the type of person Taylor randomly swears off, unprovoked, in a conversion to her friend) - and as the man looking to renovate the beloved hotel. Why would she care? Well, because her own brother works at the Graff as a maintenance man, of course! And he is certain that Joel will wipe out the entire staff if he gets his way. 

The only way to save the hotel? To prove that it has past significance to the town, which will then allow it to be registered as a “historical landmark”, thus allowing the city to protect its status and block Joel from gutting it. Hmm…remember when I said Taylor was good at researching things, and how she works at a library? I wonder if she might be the one to find some kind of tie between history and the Graff!

But this puts her in an odd predicament, where she must test her loyalty to her brother, while simultaneously trying to appease the man whom she’s falling in love with. And as these bits of disgustingly escapist entertainment never allow for even a shred of negativity, we know it's all going to end with all of the characters getting exactly what they want, and living a (presumably) happy life together.

Chad Michael Murray is likable as Joel, but this one is just a wayward mess, taking itself far too seriously than it should, and relying far too much on Lowndes's forced smile to carry things along. It's not great, but there's enough here to warrant at least a viewing, assuming either nothing else is available, or you're just looking for some mindless background noise.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 5/10

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Lonestar Christmas (aka Christmas Forgiveness) (2020)

Director: Lucie Guest
Writer(s): Casie Tabanou and Alison Spuck McNeeley
Starring: Stephanie Bennett, Marco Grazzini, Brent Stait and Colleen Wheeler

It had been a while since a holiday movie got our blood boiling; in fact, you'd have to go back to last year to find one. Usually, it's all-too-common an occurrence for us, when plotlines become almost unbearably ridiculous, or characters become too annoying in their quest to find true love. And while these movies always toe that thin line, none that we've seen this year have crossed that line.

And then came Lonestar Christmas, which is a movie about an irredeemably annoying woman who falls in love with a man that is clearly too good for her. 

She is the worst type of person, one that constantly harps on how independent she is, while simultaneously explaining to anyone who will listen about how she’s a single mom raising two kids, because her husband had the gall to go and die on her. Well, she doesn't mention that last part to everyone, but that's what happened. 

The woman is Erin. She makes it pretty clear that she doesn’t “need” a man, but of course by the end of the movie she ends up with one anyway. Our story starts when the idiotic heroine straps Christmas presents to the top of her car (?) despite clearly having enough space to fit them inside (Also, why is she bringing so many presents to the house of a man she despises?). It should come as a surprise to no one that the gifts fall off, littering the street with wrapped goodies…and that is when Mateo comes in.

He’s a handsome young man, who owns a tamale shop in his small town that’s widely revered as the best one in the entire state. He happens to be the one to stumble on Erin’s crime scene of presents, and offers to help. Of course, being the “strong” “independent” woman that she is, she initially resists…before realizing that she actually does need some help after all. He helps her load them up, and follows her to her father’s house…where we discover that him and the father, Gary, are good friends. 

But Erin doesn’t share that vision of her own father. You see, she harbors some deep resentment towards him for reasons that - at this point - are completely unclear. But whatever it is, it must be a pretty big deal, considering it took a lot of convincing to get her to agree to a visit in the first place. It was only seeing the excited look on her kids’ faces, who have no doubt been deprived of seeing their “Grandee” (which is apparently a stupid term for “Grandpa” that I have heard nowhere else) over a long period of time, that got her to cave.

So what is this terrible crime that he’s guilty of? Murdering her mother? Molesting her as a small child? Punching a handicapped child in the face? I mean, judging from the cold-hearted way she treats him, it has to be something like that. Nope…not being around enough when she was a kid, because he was busy going to school and working a full time job to help support his family. Yes, that’s it. It’s hinted at around the midway point of the movie, which leads you to think there’s more to the story…but there’s not. What’s even more frustrating: She’s planning on doing the exact same fucking thing! Good God. 

Sure, not having your grandfather around would be tough, especially for a younger child. But once you grew up, wouldn’t you understand their sacrifice? Apparently not this sack of shit, who spends the entire movie avoiding discussions with her father, and scoffing at anyone who likes the genuinely nice guy. 

These scenes are somewhat heartbreaking, because the guy clearly regrets not being there for her. There's even a scene where Erin walks away, scoffing at his latest attempt at redemption, while he stands there with a shattered look on his face, as if he's about to cry. And even despite her hard-headedness, he clearly harbors no hard feelings towards her, which makes Erin’s reluctance to see that so great, that you want to just punch her in the face. Honestly, nothing else in the movie even matters: Her romance with Mateo is just a sidebar to the elephant in the room, which is the terrible relationship with her father that's pretty much entirely her fault.

I’ll admit that my wife and I missed the final 15 or so minutes, because we were…busy doing other things, and we definitely didn’t feel even the slightest need to go back and see what we missed. I’m sure we can fill in the blanks: Somehow she sees what an irredeemable piece of garbage she was, and finally accepts her father's apologies, while getting a man who could do so much better.

This is one of those Christmas movies where no one gets what they deserve.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

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Mistletoe Mixup (2021)

Director: Andrew Lawrence
Writer(s): Kaylin Richardson
Starring: Danielle C. Ryan, Joey Lawrence, Matthew Lawrence, Andrew Lawrence

Mistletoe Mixup is that perfect example of what not to do with a holiday movie; it has the kind of story that becomes flat-out creepy the more and more you think about it. There are a lot of holiday rom-coms like that, actually, where characters are so full of Christmas cheer you know the only thing actually running through their mind is suicide. This isn’t like that though; it’s a kind of unnerving where it feels like something isn’t quite right underneath the surface. Parts of it would actually make a solid basis for a horror film. 

And yet it manages to be just charming enough to not be a complete waste of time; in fact, I’d dare say that it’s “decent” given the circumstances, at least as far as these sappy holiday romances go.

The more popular Lawrence brothers (Joey and Matthew) play Tom and Austin, respectively: two brothers who just so happen to catch the attention of an available blonde named, of all things, Holly. But the catch is, they don’t know they’re both vying for the attention of the same woman. How does that happen? Well sit down, because this is a hilarious tale that I just couldn’t make up.

It all starts out at a Christmas tree farm, where Holly is looking for the perfect tree. Tom spots her and, even though he doesn’t work there, offers her advice on which one to pick, helps her chop it down, and affixes it to her car. But on the way home, the tree flies off, pinning a man under it in the middle of the road. Well would you believe it if I told you that man is none other than Austin, the other brother?! He even unknowingly ends up one-upping his brother by getting invited into her home, accompanying her while she goes shopping for Christmas decorations, and helping her decorate her tree. (And of course he doesn’t even end up with a kiss to show for it.) Isn’t that a little weird? I mean what single woman would not only invite a man she doesn’t know into her home, but also invite him to spend the entire day with her? 

Clearly, she is smitten with the young man, but starts to lose interest when he ignores all of her texts. Hmm…I’m sure there’s not a good reason why he’s not responding!

Anyway, Tom is a creepo and basically invites Holly to meet his family within a day or two of meeting her. You know, because that’s normal behavior for someone you haven’t even kissed, let alone spent any sort of one-on-one time with. Even more bewildering: She agrees. Man, if this woman isn’t desperate, I don’t know who is. All of the characters in these sappy love-fests generally come off as women who need a man in order to function, but poor ol’ Holly here takes it to the next level.

Well, of course Tom’s family is also Austin’s…and that’s when the shit really hits the fan. With the three of them under the same roof, they must duke it out with each other to win her heart once and for all. Gee, I wonder if they’ll learn a little something about the importance of family in the process?

This just is all sorts of nope on paper, but thankfully the cast is (mostly attractive) enough to overcome some of the more eerie aspects. I mean, just the basic premise of having two brothers go after the same girl…isn’t that a little bizarre? Of course, most people will immediately go to the intimate possibilities…even kissing the same girl seems a little weird to me. But maybe it’s more morally accepted these days (after all, I have no siblings whatsoever, so I have no personal attachment to that feeling).

Obviously, since this is a Hallmark-style movie, we don’t have to worry about the seedier side of the equation. Instead, we’re still faced with a whole slew of dilemmas: How can she pick one without hurting the other? If things didn’t work out, then would she always wonder if she picked the “right” one? (Oh wait, in this case, the “Wright” one, because of course that’s the brothers’ last name.) If she picks Austin, will Tom stalk her and eventually kill her for rejecting him? Or has the competition heated up so much between the two that they lost sight of what they were even fighting for? 

Without giving away spoilers (because we’re always on the edge of our seats to see how these bubbly stories end), let’s just say the ending wraps everything up with a nice little bow, ensuring that no one is left empty-handed, and no one is left sad on Christmas day. Aaah, if only real life was this simple.

I mentioned that parts of the story are unnerving, and exhibit A is Tom’s character, who comes off almost as desperate as Holly. I mentioned he invites her over to his family’s house immediately after meeting her, but he seems a little too intense even beyond that: He's virtually everywhere she is, and is always asking her to accompany him somewhere. He’s never forceful about it, but that’s exactly what makes him so eerie. I mean, after all, Ted Bundy knew how to charm his victims before brutally offing them, and while comparing Tom to Ted might be a little too far-fetched, it doesn’t feel as far off as it should be.

The movie derives much of its humor from watching the ridiculous (and childish) lengths the two brothers will go to win the heart of a girl whom they both just met. Needless to say it gets a little old after a while, even for the desperate Holly, who is so fed-up with their shenanigans that she threatens to leave their family estate, and go home single, where she will probably take a bottleful of sleeping pills to ease the pain of another holiday season spent alone.

Actually, that would be a better ending than the one we’re presented with. 

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 5/10

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Guess Who's Coming to Christmas (2013)

Director: Kristoffer Tabori
Writer(s): Tippi Dobrofsky and Neal H. Dobrofsky
Starring: Drew Lachey, MacKenzie Porter, Ellie Harvey and Peter LaCroix

After wading through a couple of lackluster American holiday romances, we figured we were on pace for a third. I mean, virtually all these rehashed Christmas movies feature disgraced Hollywood celebrities clinging to the last vestiges of relevance, but this one takes things a step further by featuring Drew Lachey, Nick’s much less popular brother. Whereas Nick blew up and became A-level famous for a while (thanks largely in part to his marriage to “it-girl” Jessica Simpson), Drew’s biggest claim to fame was as a member of ‘90s boy band 98 Degrees. He re-found the spotlight a few years later by winning the second season of “Dancing with the Stars”…and hasn’t really done a whole lot to catch the public’s eye since.

Would you believe it if I told you that not only is Guess Who’s Coming to Christmas competently made, but that it’s genuinely entertaining? 

I’m a sucker for celebrities who can make fun of themselves, and Drew really lives it up here as Dax, a musician and former heartthrob who is quickly losing his fame thanks to tanking album sales. In a last-ditch effort to save his fledgling career, he listens to the advice of Jason, his manager, and agrees to grant the Christmas wish of one of his fans.

The “winner” is Kelly Harding, a twentysomething girl who still has a poster of Dax hanging on her wall. Kelly is flabbergasted, considering she never even entered the contest; as it turns out, it was her nerdy younger brother Tim who submitted the entry. Needless to say, the entire family is surprised when a clearly less-than-enthused Dax shows up on their front steps. He plans on staying at a hotel for most of his trip, an idea that Jason nixes; instead, he’s forced to stay the entire week in the Harding household, made up of Kelly and Tim, mother Lynne, and their father…Reverend Harding. 

What’s refreshing about this one - and what provides most of the comedy early on - is Dax’s clear disdain for his current situation. He doesn’t try to mask it with any sort of kindness whatsoever; he makes it known that this contest was not his idea, and that he’d rather be anywhere else than hanging with the Hardings. Indeed, for someone trying to save their career, this is clearly a step in the wrong direction.

This is one of those rare holiday movies that “goes for broke”, at least as far as Christmas-themed rom-coms can go. Take, for instance, a scene in which a desperate Dax breaks into the family’s liquor cabinet (which is reserved for “special occasions” only) while the family is at church, awaiting his arrival. He shows up, alright, but completely hammered, causing a scene by loudly yelling before collapsing before horrified onlookers at the front of the church. 

In another scene, he attempts to get Kelly into bed with him, simply because she was a fan, and he is bored. And what better way for a "rockstar" to pass the time than by sleeping with a groupie? Only, in this case, his attempts lead only to rejection, a notion that's foreign to him. While this scene is actually kind of uncomfortable, it does ring with unexpected honesty: Here is a famous person who is so used to getting what he wants, that he almost feels entitled to it. It's a rather strong departure from the saccharine "goodness" of most holiday sap-fests.

But what really makes Guess Who's Coming to Christmas work so well are the supporting characters: Despite Kelly’s father being a preacher, who has strict rules for those living inside his home (no matter how famous they might have been), it never becomes preachy. In fact, he comes off as a genuinely nice guy; even after Dax’s drunken interruption in his own church - which I figured would be the perfect opportunity for the Reverend to berate him, force Biblical passages down his throat, or even attempt to kick him out - he does the opposite, seeing a good guy who’s just in need of a few life changes. It’s sad how having such human characters in a movie like this isn’t just a welcome change: It actually borders on “shocking”. 

There still has to be some tropes, such as how he slowly changes his tune, as the once-foreign concept of "family" becomes more comfortable to him over (initially forced) family dinners. And of course his aversion to such a close-knit unit has to do with his own upbringing, which was filled with turmoil. That explains the reason he's a curmudgeonly thirtysomething who sees the good in nothing. But even his rather sudden, 98-degree change from cynical man to family man somehow manages to feel as natural as it can, thanks mainly to Drew's handling of the character. (There's something I never thought I'd say about a Lachey.)

In the end, this is a love story between Dax and Kelly, so of course there are the obligatory rom-com sequences where Dax must choose between his career and a new life outside of the limelight. And of course with his musical background (and the background of co-star MacKenzie Porter, who is also a musician), we are treated to an original song that, honestly, isn't as bad as it could have been. It might all still lead to a completely expected conclusion, but the fun is in the ride, not the destination. And this is a ride that is more fun than it should be.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 8/10

As a little side note, I’m a little baffled as to the reasoning behind the title. As virtually everyone knows, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner is a movie about a white girl bringing her black boyfriend over for dinner, in the midst of ‘60s level racism. It was a landmark film, tackling an important issue that had been dividing the country for several decades. Its use here seems to insinuate a similar occurrence, but while Drew’s manager is black, he doesn’t factor in to the romantic aspects of the story whatsoever. Maybe I'm reading too much into it - titles don't have specific requirements for use - but it seems an odd choice for a title featuring two white leads.

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Ibiza (aka Ibiza: Drunk Love)(2018)

Director: Alex Richenbach
Writer(s): Lauryn Kahn
Starring: Gillian Jacobs, Vanessa Bayer, Phoebe Robinson and Richard Madden

After wading through a bunch of corny holiday rom-coms, sometimes it’s refreshing to clear our palates with some less family-oriented fare. And after searching through Netflix for what felt like an eternity, we stumbled upon Ibiza: Drunk Love, which is certainly one of the worst titles ever thrown together by modern man.*

First things first, the movie was the center of controversy upon its release, but it has nothing to do with the film's occasional gross-out content: Instead, the actual island of Ibiza itself took offense to two things: 1.) The film's "negative" portrayal of the party island (there's honestly nothing negative about it, unless they just want to distance themselves from the whole "party image" entirely); and 2.) The fact that it wasn't filmed in Ibiza at all, but rather Croatia. I have a feeling their anger was actually a fit of jealousy that mainly arose from point number 2. Nevertheless, it seems to be all water under the bridge, because after news reports that the island was actually going to sue Netflix for the above reasons, no further action seems to have been taken. (Or could it just have been publicity for the then-newly released movie? Hmm....)

Harper is a twenty- or early thirtysomething gal who is sent by her boss to Spain, for work. Her two best friends, Leah and Nikki, pretty much weasel their way in to going with her, figuring they can chill while Harper is busy securing an account, or whatever vague thing she’s supposed to be doing there. It really doesn't matter, because the focus isn’t on her job (surprise!) but rather Leo West, a world-famous DJ with whom Harper spends an awkward moment.

There are immediate sparks between the two, who go their separate ways before sharing so much as even a kiss. Nevertheless, the seeds of love have been planted in Harper’s mind, so she vows to track him down once again so they can push their platonic friendship into boyfriend-girlfriend territory. Her friends are there to offer moral support, and of course, comedic moments, as the three get into all sorts of trouble involving “residual jizz”, hallucinogens, and plenty of stuff in between.

I’m honestly confused with all the hate leveled its way. Sure, it’s a by-the-numbers “love” story that sometimes sinks to crude depths to gain a laugh or two, and sure said laughs are largely predictable, but it’s rare that a cast comes together with this much chemistry. And no, I’m not talking about the interplay between Harper and Leo, which is “sweet”, but not really worth the time spent “harping” on it. (Get it? Her name is Harper, haha.)

Instead, I’m talking about the combination of Gillian Jacobs, Phoebe Robinson and Vanessa Bayer, who play Harper, Leah and Nikki, respectively, and whose friendship actually spans most of the movie’s running time. In fact, the “romantic” portion almost functions as bookends, with the two would-be lovebirds forging a connection early on, and then Harper spending the rest of the time searching for Leo, until they are reunited in the end. Instead, it mostly comes off as a "buddy comedy" with some "romance" sprinkled in in an attempt to capture the attention of a wider audience. It should come as no surprise, then, that the best parts of the movie involve watching the three girls make fools of themselves in a variety of weird situations.

Michaela Watkins is also perfect as Harper’s foul-mouthed boss, whose brutal quips frequently go over the edge from merely being “mean”, into flat-out abusive. Yet she does it with such ridiculous verve that it’s almost hard not to “like” her, somehow...deep down, maybe. It’s just a shame she’s not in it much after an initial appearance in the beginning, although there are plenty of laughs in between to prevent you from missing her too much.

Let’s be honest here: This is nowhere close to a classic comedy. It’s crude, it’s rude and it derives much of its laughs from predictable situations. But thanks to the cast, it’s an above-average one, with excellent moments of comedic timing and enough laughs to keep most comedy fans satisfied. Like most films of its ilk, it does delve into dramatics occasionally, but thankfully those moments are few and far between; so few and distanced, in fact, that it honestly seems weird to even include the whole love angle at all. (It was based on the writer's actual trip to the island, so maybe she actually did find true love there? I dunno.)

In the end, if it’s a romance you’re looking for, you’d be better off looking elsewhere. But if you like your comedy awkward and occasionally over-the-top, then ignore all the negative reviews, and take this trip to Ibiza...for some Drunk Love? I still don't get that stupid title. 

RATING: 6/10.

*For reasons unknown, the title was originally just the much better Ibiza. In fact, that's still the title in a vast majority of marketing materials, such as the above poster image. For whatever reason, at some point after the movie's release, the Drunk Love subtitle was added, a change that makes sense for virtually no reason, considering the "romance" centering the story has nothing to do with being drunk. 

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A Castle for Christmas (2021)

Director: Mary Lambert
Writer(s): Ally Carter and Kim Beyer-Johnson
Starring: Brooke Shields, Cary Elwes, Lee Ross and Andi Osho

After going down the foreign rom-com rabbit hole for our last few movie viewings, we finally returned to the bland American trash that we have grown so accustomed to over the years. And there’s no bigger sign of impending blandness than seeing Brooke Shields starring in it.

Actually, I like Brooke Shields, so I hope she doesn’t take it the wrong way; I just mean that any holiday movie starring a formerly famous star who has been out of the spotlight for a while is a surefire sign that what we're dealing with is a B-grade rom-com (as does the mention of "Christmas" in the title). That goes double because the man that stars opposite her is none other than Cary Elwes, a male actor of similar career trajectory who I unfortunately always equate with Robin Hood: Men in Tights. (Seriously, I don’t know why, but I can’t name any other movie he’s ever been in without looking at IMDb.)

Yeah, there really isn’t much to say about this one: The atmosphere is kind of like The Princess Switch series - what with the royal castle and all - only without much of the charm, or careless fun. 

Shields is Sophie Brown, a best-selling author known for a series of books following the life of one woman whose name escapes me at the moment. I don’t know if you happened to read the synopsis, but virtually every description of the movie I can find mentions that she escapes New York to avoid a “scandal”. I was hoping for something juicy: a sex tape, or a murder perhaps, but do you want to know what salacious act she’s guilty of that warrants switching countries? Killing off a beloved character in one of her books. Seriously. (So I guess technically it was murder?) In the best scene of the movie, she appears on “The Drew Barrymore Show” to explain her reasonings for the controversial decision…but when Drew takes the side of the readers, she realizes that her life is in danger, or something, and decides to hightail it out of the country.

Figuring out her destination is simple, because of course Sophie’s father grew up in a castle somewhere in Scotland (named Dun Dunbar, of all things), so that’s where she escapes to, planning to wait until the fervor over her book series dies down. That’s where she meets Duke Myles, a grumpy man with a heavy Scottish accent who is known for avoiding…well everyone in town, actually. 

As it turns out, the castle that her father grew up in is for sale, and she jumps at the chance to buy it. But that crotchety old Duke isn’t a big fan of her, even though it’s pretty obvious from the outset that he really is, but must hide his feelings underneath a facade of constant anger and frowning. You know, because that’s the best way to get a girl.

Blah blah blah, they end up together and the movie ends, hopefully not making room for a sequel.

It’s all just…devoid of any substance. I mean, that (and various other phrases) are words I could use to describe many of these holiday gag-fests, but in this case, it’s really the only way to describe it. The comedy is based almost entirely on watching Elwes get mad at everything, with occasional shots of his dog, Hamish, thrown in for additional, basic laughs. I mean, virtually any time a movie resorts to deriving humor out of a pet - something that’s guaranteed to elicit an “awwww” and obligatory laugh from almost every member of the largely female viewer base - you know it’s cruising on autopilot.

Usually these movies have at least something to remind you that you saw it, even if it’s a funny scene - whether intentional or not - or some twisting of the holiday rom-com formula, no matter how slight. But A Castle for Christmas literally has nothing going for it. Nothing. I guess the two leads are decent enough together - though I wouldn’t say there’s a whole lot in the way of chemistry - and often look like they’re having at least a bit of fun, but unfortunately none of that is contagious. And the use of a mute man whose only line talks about the importance of true love just made me want to stick a shotgun to my head and squeeze the trigger.

I mentioned that the best scene is her appearance on "The Drew Barrymore Show", but there's actually one that tops it: The end credits sequence finds Sophie back on Drew's show to promote her new book (which of course is based on her time in the castle). What makes the scene so funny is it’s the first time the movie really embraces a carefree, comedic attitude, as the scene appears to be completely improvised, with multiple takes and behind-the-scenes moments thrown in. It’s refreshing because it’s not presented as a finished scene, but that’s what makes it completely unique; it’s obvious the two of them are friends in real life, and their interplay is easily the best example of chemistry in this whole godforsaken mess.

Oh well, at least now I have two movies to equate Cary Elwes with.

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• Characters crossing over from different Netflix movies into others seems to be a thing these days: Look for Mrs. Donatelli and Frank de Luca, from The Princess Switch franchise, in a small cameo where they check in as guests to the castle. Does this mean that romance has finally blossomed between them?

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

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Endless Love (2014)

Director: Shana Feste
Writer(s): Feste and Joshua Safran, from a novel by Scott Spencer
Starring: Gabriella Wilde, Alex Pettyfer, Bruce Greenwood and Robert Patrick

Jesus Christ…it had been a long time since I saw a “mainstream” movie; usually, we delve into the lame holiday rom-coms starring celebrity has-beens on the downhill slope of their careers. For whatever reason, we stumbled on Endless Love, a thriller about a psychopathic father who will stop at nothing to control his family. Oh wait, nevermind…it’s actually a “romantic” movie about a middle-class kid who falls for a girl from a rich family.

The inanity starts off immediately, when we are asked to believe that the aforementioned girl - who, may I remind you, is rich - went unnoticed by virtually everyone all throughout high school. Riiight. This actually sets a pretty good precedent for what follows, which is an ever-increasing collection of boundless stupidity. 

The rich girl whom no one ever noticed is Jade Butterfield, a blonde who would attract any high school boy regardless of social class. Actually, at least one boy was caught up by her looks: That boy is David Elliott, the son of a mechanic, which is the occupation that always seems to be the basic example used in media to represent a middle-class family. Of course, he didn’t have the nerves to talk to her throughout high school, but he finally does work up the nerve on graduation day; rather immediately, the two kids from opposite sides of the tracks form an almost inseparable bond.

This sits well with every single other character in the movie, except for Hugh Butterfield, Jade’s domineering father. You know how most romance movies have at least a few things that have to try to pull the two lovers apart so that their romance gets tested? Well this romance gets tested time and time again by Hugh’s increasingly sociopathic behavior. He takes an immediate disliking to David just based on his aforementioned social status, believing that since he helps his father work on cars, he has no dreams or aspirations. This is cemented when David admits during a conversation with the Butterfield family that he has no plans to attend college. No one else at the table cares, including Hugh's wife, or Jade's douchey-looking (but actually nice) frat-boy type brother. But for an old-fashioned asshole like Hugh, this is an inconceivable notion; life should be all about getting into a prestigious school, having a prestigious job, getting married, and living a prestigious life. Anything less than that is unacceptable.

And that’s why he goes through almost every conceivable avenue to prevent his daughter from seeing the man that she’s destined to be with. Despite the objections of his wife, his own son, and of course Jade herself, because why should her own opinions matter? After all, she’s just a young girl who doesn’t know the ways of the world, and it should be up to her dad to protect her, right? If this sounds terrifyingly creepy, it is. 

Honestly, a plot outline seems almost moot, given the number of tropes that get crammed into this one. It doesn’t feel like an actual story so much as a collection of them, presented one right after another. Considering this was based on a novel (by Scott Spencer), I would be more apt to blame him for the mess that transpires, except that - based on several sources I've read online (read: everyone) - this strays so far from the original novel that it's really only "loosely based" on it. 

In fact, about the only thing it seems to share with the source material is that, despite the name and marketing materials, it's not at all a charming love story. But whereas the book paints David as "obsessive" towards a more worldly Jade, the movie doesn't even have the slightest clue as to its identity. It focuses too much on the connection between the main stars to be considered a thriller, whereas Hugh's increasingly concerning behavior is completely unsuitable for a romance. It lives inside a grey area where it will only alienate fans of either genre.

At the end of the day, this is almost worse than those cheesy "off-brand" rom-coms, made by smaller studios; given the amount of resources that were no doubt granted to the filmmakers, it's baffling to me how they ended up churning out this bottom-of-the-barrel shit. It’s like they couldn’t decide between making a love story, or a thriller, so they ended up making neither

The ending only makes things worse, when - after ignoring his own family’s pleas to ease up on David for the entire running time - Hugh finally just "snaps out" of his evil streak to save an unconscious David from a burning building. Yep, that's how he makes up for months of abusing David and Jade so badly, that he literally tears his entire family apart. There, I just spoiled it for you so you don’t have to sit through this mindless garbage yourself.

Actually, “mindless” might be giving it too much credit.

RATING: 1/10

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Seriously Single (2020)

Directors: Katleho Ramaphakela, Rethabile Ramaphakela
Writer(s): Lwazi Mvusi
Starring: Fulu Mugovhani, Tumi Morake, Bohang Moeko and Yonda Thomas

We always knew rom-coms were popular in the United States, but like a typical self-centered American douchebag, I never even stopped to think that there are still close to 200 countries out there, and romance is an ideology in all of them. I mean, who doesn’t love being swept off their feet? Who can’t relate to the feelings of that first blossoming love? Who doesn’t have that special someone they keep letting back into their lives, no matter how much they ruin them? That’s true love. And that means no matter where you go, there are going to be movies about it.

Seriously Single is a South African (?) attempt at the subgenre. There are probably dozens - if not hundreds - of South African rom-coms, but this feels like the first one ever made: Even despite Netflix's backing, it's clumsy and awkward and rough around the edges. It often has the feel of a low-budget movie made by amateurs rather than the gloss of a big studio production. But it does have a certain charm about it, as well as an attractive cast, that helps to reign it in at least a little bit when all else fails.

Dineo is a woman who is desperate to get married. How desperate? So desperate that the local courier stays in business just from delivering her belongings from the house of the latest man to dump her (of course this begs a more serious question; why’d they let her move in in the first place?) At her rock bottom, that's when she meets Lunga, a charming, handsome man who quickly makes her his world. Certain this is the man she’s been waiting for, she falls into old patterns…and achieves the same results. Lunga, as it turns out, is getting married, something Dineo finds out the hard way after stumbling in on his bachelor party (long story). 

The antithesis to her obsessively monogamist ways (there always has to be an opposite) is Noni, her best friend and a woman who’s uninterested in long-term commitment. According to her, if you sleep with someone twice, it’s a relationship, so she goes out of her way to make sure her life is a series of string-free one night stands. She tries to get Dineo to embrace her inner self, rather than chasing a string of men who have no interest in settling down.

Then, in the midst of her singleness, Lunga steps back into her life (of course he does), with news that he has gotten divorced. The two get back together, and things are going well for the young couple. But are they really happy? Or has Dineo learned that she doesn't need a man to make her happy?

This is another rom-com that also aims to make the supporting character more "3-D", instead of just one who provides emotional support, by giving Noni a story of her own. After another casual one night stand, she develops a cat-and-mouse relationship with Max, a bar owner who sets his sights on making that wild cat settle down. Of course, she's at first reluctant because it goes against her "morals", but slowly, he starts to whittle down her defenses. Will she keep closing off, or will she learn that life can be improved by having a man?

Similar to Sounds Like Love, this is another “wom-com” where the men only serve as inspiration for the women to find themselves. Well, partially. Thankfully, it's not super preachy, and Tumi Morake is the perfect Noni, injecting some comedy thanks to her carefree ways and sage advice. Her interplay with Dineo is on-point; in fact, the chemistry between them is more believable than it is with any of the men.

In the end, the best I can grant this one is that it's "okay", and it's the worst of the foreign romance movies we’ve seen thus far. It’s just clunky and utterly predictable, deriving its laughs from tired situations and over-the-top scenarios. The cast is attractive - and convincing - enough to maintain interest during the slow parts, and they’re a likable bunch, but even they can’t overcome a weak script, and often poor execution. 

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 5.5/10

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Sounds Like Love (aka Fuimos Canciones) (2021)

Director: Juana Macias
Writer(s): Laura Sarmiento Pallares, based on the novel by Elisabet Benavent
Starring: Maria Valverde, Alex Gonzalez, Elisabet Casanovas and Susana Abaitua

After forcing our way through most of the lame American rom-coms - you know, those B-grade (or worse) flicks that turn predictability and “blah” into an art form - we’ve recently begun focusing our attention to foreign attempts at the subgenre. And, despite their questionably low IMDb scores, we’ve found them to be much more charming - and infinitely better - on the whole.

Sounds Like Love is a Spanish import that follows Maca, a 30-year-old who works as an assistant to a cold-hearted and cruel social media influencer. When she’s not at work, she’s either spending time with her two best friends, Jimena and Adriana, or hooking up with a man named Coque for some casual sex inside her car. 

Of course, she has some troubles with love or we wouldn’t be watching a rom-com: Her romantic kryptonite comes in the form of Leo, her ex-lover and the one who got away. The two of them were inseparable, looking to get a house together, before he just up and split, without so much as a goodbye. Well, guess who reappears just as she seems to be getting her life back on track…and guess who’s also dating one of her colleagues?

At first, the two start trading jabs, with the jilted woman attempting to gain some revenge on the lover who did her wrong: she shows up to his college class and calls his itinerary out for being sexist. He, in turn, pretends to seduce her, before suddenly revealing it was just a game. But then, what appear to be hostile feelings between the two, somehow bloom into the possibility of true love.   

What separates Sounds Like Love apart from similar movies of its ilk is the narrative structure: Maca constantly breaks the fourth wall, talking to the viewer directly in between scenes to explain things in more elaborate detail; she’s visited by “angel” and “devil” versions of herself in a segment called “Crappy Decisions”; and the story doesn’t just focus on her own love life, but also those of Jimena and Adriana. This at least helps to give it more of a “complexity” missing from similar movies, where the main couple are essentially the only characters we’re supposed to be cheering for. 

Honestly, this isn’t a rom-com so much as a vehicle for “female empowerment”. I know, I know, you’re probably groaning at that statement; it’s become a catch-all for all sorts of preachy vehicles that attempt to force the independence of women down our throats. In fact, the rom-com itself might be a thing of the past soon, as female voices rebel against the idea of a woman’s sole purpose in life being in a committed relationship with a member of the opposite sex to begin with.

But before you go casting this aside for that reason, hear me out: This is done in a charming way. It’s about one woman who discovers that she can’t possibly love someone else, until she loves herself first. That idea might sound a little corny, if not cliched, but it presents that angle without ever being too heavy handed.

There are some flaws: For starters, this was based on the "Canciones y Recuerdos" two-book series from author Elisabet Benavent. The books take up 500 pages, of which Sounds Like Love had to cut down into a runtime under two hours. This means there were entire plotlines that had to be excised; it’s a shame Netflix couldn’t turn this into a two-movie deal to fully flesh out the books into movie form.

Another example: The change between Maca and Leo’s previously hostile relationship, into legitimate love is rather forced and unrealistic. The two spend the first half of the movie trading barbs with one another (some of which are actually quite brutal emotionally, especially for Maca), and then all of a sudden Leo becomes a good guy who falls back in love with his former flame. It's done without precedent, and so quickly that it seems like a more elaborate prank.

Despite those cons, I’m actually shocked at Sounds Like Love’s dismissal in reviews as a “predictable” rom-com; it makes me wonder if those people actually watched it. I mean, I guess I can’t really call it unpredictable, but within the realm of these movies, it has a few tricks up its sleeve.

Like the fleshing out of its side characters, Jimena and Adriana. The former is a woman obsessed with her dead lover, who searches for characteristics of him in every man that she dates. The latter is a woman in an unfulfilled marriage, who becomes attracted to the “other” woman in a threesome with her husband. Their stories blend in with Maca’s, and while they lead toward obvious conclusions, they have an element that is both human, and uplifting.

Then there’s Maca’s ending, in which she reveals what the ending would be like “if this were a rom-com”. In a refreshing change of pace, that’s not the way this story ends.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 8/10

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Good on Paper (2021)

Director: Kimmy Gatewood
Writer(s): Ilina Schlesinger

Starring: Ilina Schlesinger, Ryan Hansen, Margaret Cho and Rebecca Rittenhouse

Good on Paper is somewhat of a misnomer, because it’s actually kind of weird on paper: A comedian meets an unattractive man, hangs out a lot with unattractive man, falls in love with unattractive man, and then finds out she was duped by unattractive man. It’s almost like an anti-romance; a movie where love isn’t the endgame, but rather a small part of the journey.

It was written by Ilina Schlesinger - a comedian in real life - and was also based off of an actual incident that happened to her. She changes her name to Andrea Singer, for the purpose of the story, and presumably also changes the name of the man who would win her heart under false pretenses. 

Said unattractive man (those are her words, not mine) is Dennis, a nerdy hedge fund manager who ends up in the seat next to Angela during a plane trip. He recognizes her immediately, and the two hit it off during the plane ride. This eventually leads to a long-term, platonic friendship…until Dennis wants to take things further. While Andrea is initially against the idea, one drugged up night on ‘shrooms suddenly changes her mind, and the two start a whirlwind romance. 

It plays out kind of like a Lifetime thriller with a dash of Hallmark romance thrown in, only with more moments of (intentional) comedy and less of a focus on the thriller aspects. The characters aren’t ever really in any danger, but the gradual revealing of who Dennis really is takes up virtually the whole running time. It’s like one small section of a Lifetime thriller dragged out to feature length.

But it’s not quite as bad as that description makes it sound, thanks largely to Ilina, who is great in the lead role (as well she should be given the personal attachment she had to the film), as well as her supporting cast, including Margaret Cho as Ilina’s best friend, who’s the first to suspect something isn’t right with good ol’ Dennis. 

But I was a little surprised - and disappointed - at just how straightforward it all is. This is a personal story that’s almost too bizarre to be believable, and yet it’s buried underneath the typical tropes of a mystery/thriller. Thanks to Ilina’s screenplay, it’s never boring, but it’s also not terribly interesting; the way it’s presented here, it comes off as the kind of throwaway story you tell to your friends over dinner, instead of a story with actual meat and substance. It's like eating potato chunks with not enough seasoning: They're passable, but mostly just dry and not nearly as worthwhile as they could be.

I would have expected some personal flourishes to give it more of its own identity, but it all just builds up to an ending that seems almost too obvious and unsensational to be true. I guess it’s kind of refreshing that it’s (mostly) grounded in reality, so we don’t get any cheesy attempted murder scenes or pointless violence (aside from one mostly silly sequence near the end). 

Instead, it's just a derivative film that borrows from several different genres, but pulls off none of them convincingly. If you want a romantic comedy, there's not enough of that here to satisfy you; if you want a mystery/thriller, that's confined mostly to the background and is largely predictable. The comedy is easily the strongest part - there are several scenes of genuine laughs - but the remainder of the story is shockingly flat.

RATING: 5.5/10

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MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: Sightless (2020)

Director: Cooper Karl
Writer(s): Karl

Starring: Madelaine Petsch, Alexander Koch, Lee Jones and December Ensminger

I’m tempted to say that Sightless is one of MarVista’s “better” efforts - and it may very well be - but it’s kind of hard to take anything they do seriously at this point. It straddles the line between being just another formulaic thriller for which they are known, and a movie with aspirations of actually being good. The end result is a thriller with no thrills; a mystery with a payoff that is as asinine as it is improbable.

Sightless follows Ellen Ashland, a former violinist who was left blind in a brutal attack. As she is coming to grips with the news that she will never see again, she is given a fancy apartment - paid for by her terrible ex-husband - and a young caretaker named Clayton, who we immediately suspect of being shady simply because he seems nice, and nice people are always evil in this type of movie. The two of them quickly form a bond together, which is also expected considering the protagonist always has to fall for the person in charge of taking care of them.

Through flashbacks and her newly discovered extrasensory sense of hearing, we follow Ellen as she tries to piece together the events that led her to her current state. Who was the gas masked villain whose attack left her blind? Who is the sobbing woman who lives next door and whom Ellen is convinced is being abused by her husband? Why won’t her friend ever answer when she calls? Is Clayton really who he says he is? And what is the deal with the car alarm that she hears every single day at the same exact time? Will you even really care about the answers to any of these questions? The answer is a resounding "no".

Admittedly, Sightless utilizes some pretty clever effects to insinuate things aren’t as they seem, something we already knew considering we’re watching a thriller. For example, in one scene Ellen is looking at a green bird, and asks Clayton to describe it to her. He tells her it’s blue, and the bird changes colors from blue to green in an instant, right before our eyes. In another scene a woman talking to Ellen has no visible wounds, but one suddenly appears after Ellen touches her face and notices a stitched-up gash. It does an interesting job of making us feel about as blind as a piece of visual-oriented media can.

Unfortunately, that - and Madelaine Petsch as Ellen - are really the only two things that stand out here. Actually, I guess that’s kind of a compliment, because in a lot of MarVista productions, nothing stands out at all, except for maybe just how terrible certain aspects are. And, to be clear, there’s also plenty of terrible: The plot “twist” is abysmal, and the movie’s use of a single setting does it more harm than good, by calling attention to just how boring the story is.

This is one of those movies that falls in the black hole of my own ratings system: Despite the occasional flourishes that elevate it above the typical mindless drivel of MarVista, it’s still very much a B-movie at its core. Its aspirations to be so much more than that are somewhat admirable, but unfortunately also prevent it from being entertaining; it’s got all the predictability of similar Lifetime-style productions, but without the self-aware ridiculousness. 

And that, unfortunately, gives one virtually no reason at all to sit through this predictably boring mess.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2.5/10

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