A California Christmas: City Lights (2021)

Director: Shaun Paul Piccinino
Writer(s): Lauren Swickard
Starring: Lauren Swickard, Josh Swickard, Ali Afshar and David Del Rio

There are some things that should just be left alone. And yet, it seems to be human nature to mess with it until it becomes a steaming pile of shit. That extends even into the world of lame rom-coms, although generally to a much lesser extent considering the first one is usually pretty bad on its own. However, recent proof comes in the form of The Princess Switch trilogy, which actually had an entertaining first entry, but has steadily gotten worse with each release.

The latest example of this mystifying phenomenon is A California Christmas: City Lights. The first one was about as close to low-budget sappy romantic perfection as you can get. It came out of nowhere, delivered a solid premise with some likable characters and two perfect, attractive leads with a rare chemistry seen in these movies (it comes as no surprise they are married in real life); it all felt so…effortless. Sure, it was a basic, by-the-numbers premise, but it was executed well.

City Lights, however, doesn’t waste any time in dragging down the potential franchise. This isn’t just “lesser” than the first one, nor is it merely “inferior”; this one falls face first off a cliff. It reduces (or removes) everything that was great about the first one, while simultaneously increasing all the things the first one was missing that made it so good.

Like the story. In the first one, you may recall, Joseph stole the identity of a man named Manny in order to work at a farm he was hoping to acquire for his company. Well, he meets the owner of the land - an attractive girl named Callie who just so happens to be his age - and the two of them start a relationship so strong, that Joseph leaves his successful big city world behind.

But now it’s about to catch up with him. Flash forward a year from the events of the first one: The duo are still in love, living on the same land, where they run both a farm, and a winery. But as we know, things can never be smooth for long: Joseph gets a call from his mother, who runs Van Aston Enterprises - the family business - informing him that she is stepping down, effective immediately. Okay, why should he care? Because he’s next in line to run it, of course!

I love how in these movies no one can ever say no. He’s happy with his current life, and yet - when faced with this sudden thing he has no control over - he can’t just have his mom give the company to someone else? Or given the urgency, find someone to temporarily cover until he can figure out a plan? But no, he has to drop everything and take the first plane out to California, with his wife in tow. And boy does she learn a thing or two about her husband that she - presumably - didn’t already know. Like how he was a playboy, and lived his life in excess. You would think these things would get discussed before marriage, but they never seem to be in the movies.

Anyway, long story short, Joseph lets the big city life get to his head, while Callie starts spending more time with her former fiance’s (who died) brother, who runs a soup kitchen and plays the male lead in a two-person play involving the Virgin Mary (I forget who he plays…Jesus maybe? I don’t know.) The two share a weird connection, where you think it might turn romantic, but it never does…yet that doesn’t stop the two-faced snake Victoria (it’s always a Victoria), Joseph’s former colleague and romantic interest, from attempting to blow it out of proportion in order to get Joseph to leave her. Ho-fucking-hum.

This one is a misguided mess from the outset. When you have two married leads with a believable connection, you would think that’s something your story should focus on. After all, that’s the entire point of the whole romance subgenre. People don’t watch these tired retreads for the stories; they watch them to see two attractive people go through (lighthearted) hell to form some kind of ridiculously over-the-top bond that, presumably, lasts a lifetime. (A great plot for a spoof would be to follow a couple from a previous rom-com, faux-documentary style, as they’re now out of love and washed-up versions of their former selves.) A California Christmas: City Lights makes the unforgivable decision to shy away from the intense attraction the two stars have for each other, instead surrounding them with a bloated story that can’t help but steal the spotlight.

It also makes the mistake of giving the supporting castt nothing meaningful to do. While Manny and Joseph’s limo driver - two excellent, likable characters from the original movie - make a return, they are pretty much expendable. The limo driver is barely in it at all, and while Manny sees an increase in screen time, he literally spends it all trying to capture the attention, and the heart, of a woman who is helping him out on the farm. That’s great he gets a love interest, and the girl he falls for is cute, but it quickly becomes not only repetitive, but completely unnecessary. Especially considering the overblown plot, which gives Joseph and Callie far too much screen time already.

I’m shocked to discover that, like the first one, this mess was written by Lauren Swickard, who plays Callie. One would think she would tailor the story to suit the strengths of those involved, but instead she’s responsible for this one-note mess, which takes the series into a new direction that hopefully leads to no further movies.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• The “stitches” subplot involving Hannah is classically retarded. She’s also a shit actress.
• Speaking of which, what is the point of her anyway? Just to show up in a couple scenes and whine? Yet another example of unnecessary characters added to an overinflated story.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

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Christmas Capsules: A California Christmas (2020)

Director: Shaun Piccinino
Writer: Lauren Swickard
Starring: Lauren Swickard, Josh Swickard, Ali Afshar, and David Del Rio

This one is yet another tired entry into the “save the family farm” trope, but this one takes things to such ridiculous extremes that it can be difficult to watch at times. However, it’s (partially) saved by the two leads (spouses in real life), who deliver tour-de-force performances…at least, as far as cheesy holiday romances are concerned.

Josh Swickard is Joseph, a very attractive man who clearly has no trouble with the ladies. He works for his overbearing mother (surprise!), buying up land from people to---one can only presume—turn them into casinos, or resorts, or some other lofty venture. His latest task is to secure the land owned by Callie and her family, in exchange for some cold, hard cash. Now, in reality, this would probably be a very mutually beneficial situation: Callie’s family farm is wracked with debt, her fiancé and father died in the same car crash, and her mother is (voluntarily) dying of cancer—I’d say that would be the perfect time to just say “fuck it” and move on from the family business.

But good ol’ Callie (Lauren Swickard) is an “all-American” girl, and she’d rather join everyone else around her in death before she gives in to the greed of some land developer looking to make a few bucks at her expense, no matter how desperately she could actually use it.

Through a weird series of events, Callie confuses the all-white Joseph for Manny, a ranch hand who is supposed to start working on their farm. Joseph clearly has never worked manual labor a single day in his life, but Callie doesn’t really seem to notice, as she informs him that some “suit” is supposed to visit her to make her family an offer on the farm. Sensing her hostility, Joseph decides it’s best to just continue to pretend he’s someone he’s not, in order to eventually get what he thinks he wants (to get her to sell the land), but then realizes that it isn’t at all what he wants.

This trope-a-thon throws every sad cliché it possibly can toward the viewer, and it makes for a rather frustrating experience. While Callie is clearly made to look like the “tough family leader”, there just comes a point where you have to throw in the towel for her and tell her to move on. I get that she has “pride” in the farm, but when even your own (dying, may we remind you) mother is on-board with selling it, maybe it’s time to just take a little hint. Sure, it was once the family business, but times change—certainly your dead family members would realize that, and want you to be happy above living in poverty just to continue the family tradition.

Beyond the palpable yearning of the leads, the movie also finds some footing in the relationship between Joseph’s assistant, and the real Manny (who of course the assistant happens to stumble on, because the towns in these movies are so small that only the cast can fit in them). At first, it becomes merely a business proposition: the assistant pays Manny $3,000 to keep his mouth shut, and to not report to work, something he has little problem with. But despite making us believe the story is going to go one way (that Manny will continue to blackmail them to keep getting what he wants), it settles down; the assistant, who basically lives with him for the week, and the Americanized Mexican man become good friends. Their relationship is pretty familiar, thanks to lazy writing, but the cast helps elevate it into another bright point for a movie that sorely needs them.

In the end, this is a promising movie that is undone by the “throw everything and hope it sticks” method that was apparently undertaken by the filmmakers. However, some of it does manage to stick, and that - along with the outstanding lead performances (especially Lauren Swickard, as Callie) - are what elevate this above some similar fare. However slightly.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Beyond the tropes listed above, there’s also a kid involved, my least favorite of all tropes. Her character isn’t all that annoying, but she still feels pointless by default, the way kids usually are.
• Of course Callie’s dead fiance’s best friend—who wants desperately to court her now that his friend is out of the picture—is the one who pieces everything together, leading to the obligatory, completely misguided, fight.
• This one might set a record for “most interrupted attempts to tell a person the truth”, as Joseph tries three times to reveal his true identity to Callie, only to get cold feet each time.
• They bang! It’s amazing to me how many Christmas movies just want to be so “wholesome” that they neglect the inclusion of the most romantic, passionate act two lovers can engage in. (Although the fact they're married in real life also probably helped.)
• The strongest part of the movie is also its weakest link: Lauren Swickard (who, for the third time, plays Callie) also wrote the shitty script! Come on, Lauren! Next time write a story that matches your performance!

RATING: 5/10

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