Christmas Capsules: A California Christmas (2020)

Director: Shaun Piccinino
Writer: Lauren Swickard
Starring: Lauren Swickard, Josh Swickard, Ali Afshar, and David Del Rio

This one is yet another tired entry into the “save the family farm” trope, but this one takes things to such ridiculous extremes that it can be difficult to watch at times. However, it’s (partially) saved by the two leads (spouses in real life), who deliver tour-de-force performances…at least, as far as cheesy holiday romances are concerned.

Josh Swickard is Joseph, a very attractive man who clearly has no trouble with the ladies. He works for his overbearing mother (surprise!), buying up land from people to---one can only presume—turn them into casinos, or resorts, or some other lofty venture. His latest task is to secure the land owned by Callie and her family, in exchange for some cold, hard cash. Now, in reality, this would probably be a very mutually beneficial situation: Callie’s family farm is wracked with debt, her fiancé and father died in the same car crash, and her mother is (voluntarily) dying of cancer—I’d say that would be the perfect time to just say “fuck it” and move on from the family business.

But good ol’ Callie (Lauren Swickard) is an “all-American” girl, and she’d rather join everyone else around her in death before she gives in to the greed of some land developer looking to make a few bucks at her expense, no matter how desperately she could actually use it.

Through a weird series of events, Callie confuses the all-white Joseph for Manny, a ranch hand who is supposed to start working on their farm. Joseph clearly has never worked manual labor a single day in his life, but Callie doesn’t really seem to notice, as she informs him that some “suit” is supposed to visit her to make her family an offer on the farm. Sensing her hostility, Joseph decides it’s best to just continue to pretend he’s someone he’s not, in order to eventually get what he thinks he wants (to get her to sell the land), but then realizes that it isn’t at all what he wants.

This trope-a-thon throws every sad cliché it possibly can toward the viewer, and it makes for a rather frustrating experience. While Callie is clearly made to look like the “tough family leader”, there just comes a point where you have to throw in the towel for her and tell her to move on. I get that she has “pride” in the farm, but when even your own (dying, may we remind you) mother is on-board with selling it, maybe it’s time to just take a little hint. Sure, it was once the family business, but times change—certainly your dead family members would realize that, and want you to be happy above living in poverty just to continue the family tradition.

Beyond the palpable yearning of the leads, the movie also finds some footing in the relationship between Joseph’s assistant, and the real Manny (who of course the assistant happens to stumble on, because the towns in these movies are so small that only the cast can fit in them). At first, it becomes merely a business proposition: the assistant pays Manny $3,000 to keep his mouth shut, and to not report to work, something he has little problem with. But despite making us believe the story is going to go one way (that Manny will continue to blackmail them to keep getting what he wants), it settles down; the assistant, who basically lives with him for the week, and the Americanized Mexican man become good friends. Their relationship is pretty familiar, thanks to lazy writing, but the cast helps elevate it into another bright point for a movie that sorely needs them.

In the end, this is a promising movie that is undone by the “throw everything and hope it sticks” method that was apparently undertaken by the filmmakers. However, some of it does manage to stick, and that - along with the outstanding lead performances (especially Lauren Swickard, as Callie) - are what elevate this above some similar fare. However slightly.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Beyond the tropes listed above, there’s also a kid involved, my least favorite of all tropes. Her character isn’t all that annoying, but she still feels pointless by default, the way kids usually are.
• Of course Callie’s dead fiance’s best friend—who wants desperately to court her now that his friend is out of the picture—is the one who pieces everything together, leading to the obligatory, completely misguided, fight.
• This one might set a record for “most interrupted attempts to tell a person the truth”, as Joseph tries three times to reveal his true identity to Callie, only to get cold feet each time.
• They bang! It’s amazing to me how many Christmas movies just want to be so “wholesome” that they neglect the inclusion of the most romantic, passionate act two lovers can engage in. (Although the fact they're married in real life also probably helped.)
• The strongest part of the movie is also its weakest link: Lauren Swickard (who, for the third time, plays Callie) also wrote the shitty script! Come on, Lauren! Next time write a story that matches your performance!

RATING: 5/10

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Christmas Capsules: A Beauty and the Beast Christmas (2019)

Director: Dylan Vox
Writer: Scotty Mullen
Starring: Leah Pipes, Donna Mills, Ryan Kelley, and Rob Raco

The Asylum is a production company that’s generally the horror equivalent to MarVista—actually, they may be even worse. While most MarVista movies are bland retreads of popular plotlines, they’re at least more or less ripping off their own stale formula; The Asylum tends to take their ripping off to a whole ‘nother level, frequently making movies with titles and box art that are very similar to popular blockbusters, at least partly in the hopes that unknowing people may stumble on their version instead of the real one and—settle for it, for some reason? I don’t know, doesn’t seem to be a very sound business model, but it’s suiting them well, so what do I know? (Supposedly they’ve never lost as much as a dime on a release) (As an example: Fast and Fierce, a movie featuring fast sports cars, is a current release, as is Battle Star Wars a film that has nothing to do with the wildly popular sci-fi franchise).

Well now they jump on another trend: the Christmas movie. I guess that’s actually kind of a good idea, because Christmas movies already suck, and “sucking” seems to be their entire mantra. They’ve made an entire company out of churning out uninspired, Z-grade schlock; since that describes many movies churned out during the holidays, then maybe it’s a better fit than it would initially seem to be on paper?

Well it isn’t…and it is; this is one of those movies that will remind you why you fell in love (ironically, of course) with holiday romance flicks to begin with. Actually, it probably won’t: if you actually watch these because you enjoy the love stories in them, chances are this one is sorely going to disappoint. The leads lack chemistry together, the writing and direction are wooden, the storyline is awful (and only weakly alludes to the title), and Leah Pipes’ sole method for dealing with every issue that arises seems to be to pout like a spoiled 7-year-old-brat. It’s pure, unadulterated crap from virtually every angle.

But—and perhaps it’s merely the spirit of Christmas infecting me—there’s just something inherently…enjoyable about it all. The jokes are frequently off-color and actually funny, the actors themselves seem to be having a good time (and deliver mostly good performances), and the atmosphere is imbued with a sense of freewheeling fun. It does go off the rail at times, and not all of the jokes land, but we found ourselves genuinely laughing out loud on several occasions.

I don’t want to bore you with the details, but I probably should: Pipes is Ginger Holiday, a social media influencer (that’s become the new go-to job in these movies, replacing “ad exec”) who lives and breathes Christmas every single day of the year. When her follower count starts plummeting as a direct result of a facial rash that won’t go away, Ginger finds that her endorsement stature with a popular global cosmetics brand is in immediate danger. To salvage her career, her grimy agent needs to act fast—and figures the best way to right the ship is to have the holiday queen “fall for someone who’s the complete opposite.

And that opposite is Beau Bradley, an aging skateboarding influencer who also is in need of a career boost. Can the two of them successfully use each other to get what they want, without true love getting in the way? Of course not.

The intro is over-the-top, but Pipes hits all the right notes (pun intended), perfectly encapsulating the ridiculousness of the idea to begin with; the results are surprisingly funny, and set a positive mood for the remainder to come. This is literally a woman whose entire being is indebted to a titular holiday; refreshingly, even though she’s a popular star because of her Christmas-themed videos, her actual love of the holiday is genuine.

Also perfect: Rob Raco as Derek, her shady agent. Really, he’s just a stereotypical sleazeball but, for the most part, seems to mean well (at least until a rather idiotic twist near the end). He strikes that tough balance between being a complete douchebag, and being a likeable guy, consistently landing somewhere in between. He also has good comedic timing and consistency, making him far funnier and more engaging than he probably should be.

I mean, really, this is an awful movie: the two leads fluctuate wildly between liking and hating each other; there is no chemistry between them; the writing is abysmal; the entire plot is godawful and bears little resemblance to the source material; and Ryan Kelley is pretty wooden as Beau. Yet, despite all those knocks, there's something that's just...entertaining about all of it. Sure, most of these cheesy holiday romps are "entertaining", the way watching old people fall down, or get hit by cars, is entertaining. But this one somehow manages to be entertaining in all the right ways: the atmosphere is upbeat and positive, the characters are likable (at least, in their own ways), and there are some genuine laughs to be had. 

You also get the feeling that the creators are in on their own joke; nothing feels like it should be taken seriously at all.  That at least helps cancel out some of the downfalls (the terrible plot idea, for one), though the writing is still abysmally bad no matter how you cut it.

If you're one of those old-fashioned people looking for a cutesy holiday romance to get you into the Christmas spirit, this one ain't for you. But if you're a millennial looking for a trash holiday movie that's funny, entertaining, and terrible, then your search ends here.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• I have very limited experience in the matter, but this may be one of The Asylum's best movies.
• Ginger's black friend is funny. Black friends are always funny.
• The two leads' lack of chemistry is almost endearing on its own.
• Of course Ginger's mom is a supermodel still stuck in her former glory. She's funny, but also a little too stereotypical.

RATING: 6/10

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(only available on Facebook, for some reason.)

Christmas Capsules: Alone for Christmas (2013)

Director: Joseph J. Lawson
Writers: Nancy Leopardi, from a story by Naomi L. Selfman
Starring: David DeLuise, Kim Little, Davis Cleveland, and Gerald Webb

We must be in much better moods than usual this holiday season; although some of the movies we’ve seen have really sucked, there weren’t many (if any at all) that we truly hated. I mean, our relationship with these cheesy holiday flicks are pretty fickle: all it takes is one bad character, one forced plot twist, one obligatory argument started for a stupid reason, to take an otherwise enjoyable movie into “frustrating” territory.

I will freely admit that I picked this movie for one reason, and one reason only: I knew it would bomb. (Well, that, and to get a little break from the romance movies that permeate the atmosphere this time of year.) I mean, an homage (read: rip-off) of Home Alone, only with Macauley Culkin’s character replaced by a dog? There’s just no way possible that can’t be atrocious. Add to it the dad from “Wizards of Waverly Place” (a show my wife and I actually enjoyed, mostly without irony, during its run years ago), as well as the fact that this is a production of The Asylum, and that leaves you a recipe for catastrophic failure. 

It is, but most of it is enjoyably so: it’s not until the actual “defending the house” plotline starts that it veers off into “irredeemably bad” territory, with Bones the dog using everything at his disposal to rid his family’s large house of three bumbling would-be burglars. This is a combination of awkwardly bad special effects, a serious lack of comedic timing, and a rather startling level of violence (I wasn’t expecting a character to land face first onto a grill).

David DeLuise, the aforementioned dad from Waverly Place, plays a character known only as “Dad”, which really goes to show you the level of detail the writers paid to the story. He and his perfect family—which consists of the ideal combination of wife, husband, son, and daughter—are going on a trip to their grandparents’ house for the holidays. However, they are only able to take one of their two dogs with them on the trip, a notion that’s actually ass backwards (I feel like most families would either take both or none); so poor old Bone gets stuck going to the kennel.

In a scene that goes on for way too long, Dad has some reservations about the place, but the weird owner reassures him that he’s been doing this for a long time and will take good care of the dog while they are away. Reluctantly, Dad agrees—but before you know it, Bone breaks free and returns home after catching wind that some robbers might be targeting their house. Christ, whatever. The usual hijinx ensue, including lots of cartoon violence and overly inept criminals that frequently cross the line into unfunny territory.

It’s not without its plusses, though: Jonathan Nation as Anthony, the kennel owner, is genuinely hilarious in the role; so too is--and I’m not making this up--Kevin Sorbo, who clearly was in this just for the check (his character just up and leaves midway through for no reason), but still delivers a performance that’s way better than the material deserves. Once he leaves, the movie’s all pretty much downhill from there.

The end results are about what you’d expect, but despite a decent beginning, the knocks against it quickly start to accumulate: the effects are some of the worst I’ve ever seen (see: the scene where the family SUV backs into something, complete with computer-generated broken glass…despite the car not even touching what it was supposed to crash into), the writing is beyond inept, and the “twist” ending is so illogical that you’ll probably be screaming at the television set. I also hated the voice of the family’s other dog, Cleveland (cute name, though), who frantically tries getting home in time to give Bone a hand. He’s got a couple funny lines, but ultimately he’s an unnecessary side character that distracts from the overall story.

And the scenes of Bone defending the house are so poorly done that they defy logic. I'm even setting aside the idea that he's a dog that somehow manages to not only remember where a bunch of household items are, but also manages to grab them using just his paws (and without making a single bit of mess). I mean, I guess you kind of have to give it that pass, or else you wouldn't have much of a movie. My problem with all of it is that, like most of the jokes, there's no setup to the "punchline"...it just happens.

In Home Alone, you had a kid who slowly realized what was happening, and then sprung into action to defend his home. It isn't believable in the slightest, but of course it isn't really meant to be. Yet, it almost feels believable because of the way Kevin uses random everyday items to destroy the bumbling crooks; the traps feel like they were set up in a way a child of his age would think. In Alone for Christmas, there's no set-up to the defending of the home whatsoever: Bone finally makes it home shortly before the thieves make it there, and then just starts setting up random traps, which of course, the thieves all manage to hit, often with little to no coersion.

But beyond this instantaneous, ungratifying setup is yet another layer to why it doesn't work: the traps aren't really set up in a way befitting a dog. It would have been much..."cooler" (for lack of a better term) if the traps felt like they were actually conceived from the mind of a dog; instead, many of them are ripped off right from Home Alone. It's terrible, and the movie loses all of its remaining grip once these scenes start.

The leader of the thieves is actually pretty decent, and deserves to be in a better movie; the others, not so much. They're just your standard moronic young burglars who overact at everything and get their laughs out of saying stupid things and acting as dumb as possible. Yeah yeah, it's a low-budget movie marketed toward kids, so it's not all that surprising, but that fact doesn't make me hate it any less.

If you were planning on streaming this (and, let's be frank here: you weren't), then I'll make it easy for you: don't. There's nothing here for you. Even if you have kids, I'm sure you can find something that will hold their attention for longer, and that won't give you an intense headache from the stupidity of it all.

OVERALL: 3.5/10

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• In an odd marketing decision, the dog on the front cover isn't even the one who defends the home from invaders.
• This is the reason Asylum movies have such a bad rep.
• The "mouth moving" effects on the dogs are actually pretty good for a trash movie.

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Cupcakes (2018)

Director: Dylan Pierce

Writer: Neil Chase, Nathan Usher

Starring: Cindy Busby, Erin Karpluk, Corey Loranger, and Fulvio Cecere

Christmas Cupcakes is the kind of Christmas movie that will appeal to the no doubt growing number of people that are either disgusted, or becoming so, at all the millions of holiday romances that come out every year. I mean, it started off modestly, with Lifetime and Hallmark being the main purveyors of that junk, but now it seems like every channel (and streaming services like Netflix) are jumping on the bandwagon—I feel like it’s becoming a bigger market than cocaine. And I guess it makes sense: People can’t seem to get their fill of them, while others are simply overstuffed on watching the same five stories play out over and over again.

But Christmas Cupcakes is different. Oh, there’s the haphazard story that seems like it was written and finalized in under three hours, and there’s also the occasional appearance of romance, just so it “fits” in with the genre, so all the typical earmarks of a holiday romance are here…there’s just no romance. It’s almost like the filmmakers wanted to tell their own story of a family struggling to maintain their bakery, kept getting their pitch denied, so they threw in a few Christmas references and a kiss, called it a Christmas movie…bingo! Instant greenlight!

For many, this idea will probably fall flat; it probably would have for me if it didn’t bring with it a certain sense of nolstalgia. You see, my wife and I watched dozens of Food Network shows while we were dating, and while we ran the gamut from cooking shows, to Guy Fieri’s latest adventure, we probably spent the most time on baking competitions. The aesthetic of the competition scenes are stellar for a (presumably) low-budget flick, as they get everything down from the lighting, camera angles, and even the cheesy jokes. (Unfortunately, that attention doesn't really translate well to the actual competition, which is completely devoid of any drama and doesn't even show any of the other contestants, outside the two main rivals.)

The Remo family is in a tough place: following the untimely death of the family patriarch, who also ran the bakery, sisters Kim and Gina are forced to decide whether to sell it, or continue its tradition. For maximum dramatic value, Gina is hesitant to take it over, because she has a well-paying job that she completely despises—all it takes is a bad day at work (and it seems all of them are) to convince her to give it a shot. But of course, it's not because she wants to, it's just because it's her best option.

While Kim has the drive to keep everyone together, she lacks the baking skills of her late uncle; that’s where Gina steps in. While she clearly isn't really all that into it, baking comes naturally to her, something that Kim somewhat resents. For her part, Gina resents the idea that Kim was always the “successful” one, while she was always seen as a failure and/or outcast (nothing like siblings bonding over perceived failures!). 

Then they learn of the “Grand Prix Dessert Challenge”, or something along those lines, which is a baking competition that awards the winner an astonishing $150,000 grand prize. Why, that’s almost exactly how far behind they are on payments for their bakery! Although Gina is once again reluctant to partake, she’s nudged ahead when she discovers that Kim went ahead and signed them up anyway, in a rather douche move. I hope they won't have a big fight that could threaten to derail their chances to win the dessert competition, thus giving them enough money to save the day and live happily ever after! Nah, I doubt that will happen, given their completely opposite demeanors.

Even outside of the overly clichéd “save the family bakery” story, there’s some good stuff here. The characters, for the most part, are solid, and there’s some pretty good interplay and (family) chemistry between them—it really feels like they could actually be related. Fulvio Cecere is perfect as the stereotypical Italian uncle, and provides some solid laughs. And of course, the performances are all heightened by the appearance of Cindy Busby, who is either adept at making poorly-written characters believable, or is just really good about selecting which holiday projects she pursues (no offense to her, but I’m thinking it’s the former).

Her character is actually an almost complete piece of shit, throwing temper tantrums when things don’t go her way, buckling at the first sight of pressure, and storming off over the stupidest little things. I could see where people would hate her, but things like that are the fault of the writers—she’s merely doing what she was hired to do--and she does it about as well as anyone else could do. There aren't too many other actresses I can think of that can almost guarantee a decent holiday movie, but she is certainly one of them.

The guy isn't really even worth mentioning, because he's in it more as a "rival" than a love interest. It's kind of a shame, because he's good-looking enough and also appears to be a decent actor, but there aren't really any sparks or chemistry between them. I'm honestly not sure if it's because they're in romance scenes so little, so their relationship isn't given enough screen time to "grow", or if it's just because they literally don't have the slightest bit of attraction to one another; either way, it will be a disappointment to the old-fashioned crowd that what little romance there is, is marred by two people who really don't seem to care about each other in the slightest.

In the end, if you're one of the few that like your cheesy holiday romances largely "romance free", (and a bonus if you're into televised baking competitions) Christmas Cupcakes is a great way to kill some time. It has funny characters, and a likeable cast, that all do their best to overcome the stale concept.

RATING: 7/10

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Christmas Capsules: Christmas on Ice (2020)

Director: John Stimpson
Writer: Stimpson
Starring: Abigail Klein, Ryan Cooper, Caroline Portu, and Will Lyman

The other day we saw Christmas with a Prince, a movie that was forgettable mainly because everyone outside of the two main characters were agonizing, for one reason or another. This one is bad in the opposite direction: the main star is a self-pitying, selfish little shit who does nothing but focus and talk about her own plights for almost the entire time. Making it to the end is like experiencing a first date that you know isn’t going any further, yet you’re too nice to just cut it off early and run.

That’s too bad, because the rest of the movie has a lot going for it: a cast of likable characters (outside of the main one), some genuine humor, and—somehow—even a little bit of chemistry between the two leads; it would have been interesting to see just how much more there could have been if the story didn’t consistently interfere with everything else.

Abigail Klein is Courtney, a cute, bubbly blonde who runs an outdoor ice rink known as “The Oval”. Not too far in, she learns that the mayor is planning on shutting down the long-standing citywide staple, and she spends every single minute of the remaining movie reminding us of that. Distracting her momentarily from how shitty and terrible her life is, she bumps into Noah Tremblay, a former NHL player for the Toronto Maple Leafs, who immediately takes a liking to her.

He’s not the only one, though (cue groans here): Noah’s young daughter, Grace, also takes to the soon-to-be-unemployed rink owner. Where’s Grace’s mom, you may be wondering (which the nosey little Courtney asks him, point-blank, on their first date)? (cue somber music) She died! Because the best way screenwriters have found to evoke pity without actually having to do anything to earn it, is to have a character’s backstory involve the death of a loved one.

Anyway, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to discover that these two people end up together in the end…that much everyone knows. The question here is…how? Maybe even “why?”

How could a romance even bubble up between these two people? You won’t necessarily be cheering them on because you want them to get together, but just because you hope she’ll at least be too smitten to think about her stupid rink being shut down. And why would this man—a good looking former star who would (presumably) have woman flinging themselves at him—stick to a woman who’s so one-dimensional that she literally comes across as if she’s using him, and his status, simply to save her beloved rink? Many of these movies defy logic, but not all of them take that liberty to such a blood-boiling degree.

I get that “The Oval” has been around for years and has sentimental value, and I get that the screenwriters just needed something to “save”, so my issue isn’t necessarily with the already tired plot retread, so much as how it’s executed. These kinds of stories can be cute, with the right balance of empathy and romance; you have to have both characters on board with the same goals, who are both driven to find a solution.

Here, the only linking factor they have is that Noah just opened a huge indoor skating facility nearby. (Thankfully she never attacks him for being the main reason she is being shut down—even though it could be argued that does play a big role in it—which is where I thought the story was headed.) And it is completely clear from the one-sided approach taken by Courtney, that she’s really the only one interested in saving it at all. Sure, Noah agrees with her and goes along with it—the way any loving pre-boyfriend would do in this situation—but even his face seems to register confusion and annoyance that every single conversation they have always seems to focus on her, and her stupid rink.

This is too bad, because almost everything outside of that has potential, with a gold award going to Caroline Portu as Beth, Courtney’s best friend. She is genuinely funny, laid-back, cool, fun, adorable…everything Courtney is not. Watching her, you can’t help but get the feeling that Christmas On Ice is focusing on the wrong person entirely: Courtney might make a decent side character, with her plight taking up little (or no) screentime, but just isn’t interesting, or two-dimensional enough to make it as the main focus.

Or, maybe even better yet, keep the actors but change the script. There’s no denying there’s some chemistry between the two leads, on the rare occasions there’s allowed to be, so why weren’t they given a story that could focus more on that, rather than a story that focuses on so much self-pity? Why would the screenwriters make the lead character so unlikable and so overbearing?

If you’re looking to find a reason to be a Grinch this holiday season, this is a good place to start.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• It seems like the “new wave” of Hallmark movies focus less on the romance angles, and more on the people themselves. Are Hallmark movies yet another thing millennials have ruined?!
• Given how many times Courtney leaves her cashier station in the few moments we see her there, it’s a wonder this place didn’t close down years ago. 
• The way Noah says, “Uh…we lost her,” when Courtney asked what happened to Grace’s mother, sounds like she was a toy that fell behind the couch. 
• Maybe tone things down a bit so it doesn’t look like all you’re using Noah for is to save the rink you won’t shut up about.
• "Yes dear, I do love you, but how about you use your pull with the mayor to save my rink? Oh, and after that, you want to help me with this fundraiser for my rink? A kiss? No time for that! My rink needs me!"
• That's so sweet how quickly the dead mother's memorial star atop the family Christmas tree is replaced by this stupid woman's new topper.
• Have I mentioned how much I hate kids in these movies? 
• I know these movies are supposed to be old-fashioned and simple, but there's no reason to do a fundraiser anywhere but GoFundMe these days.

RATING: 3.5/10

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Christmas Capsules: Christmas With a Prince (2018)

Director: Justin G. Dyck
Writers: Keith Cooper
Starring: Kaitlyn Leeb, Nick Hounslow, Josh Dean, and Melinda Shankar

Kaitlyn Leeb must be a terrible person; at least, that’s what I assume. Maybe she kicks dogs, or accidentally ran over a child with her car while drunk several years back. Or shot a cop. I don’t know, but she must have done something, and it must have been so heinously bad that it justifies keeping a naturally attractive and talented actress confined to a lifetime of short-term TV jobs and holiday movies.

She’s that rare type of actress—at least within the realm of cheesy holiday movies—that can just brighten a scene up with just her smile. But she’s a true double threat, because beyond that, she can actually act; that's a rare commodity in this subgenre, where the actors are either good-looking, or can act. There aren't many actresses that I can't take my eyes off of when they're on screen, but she is one of them (although, as much as I'd like to say I want to see her in more of these for my own personal benefit, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone's career).

Here she plays Dr. Tasha, a pediatrician whose main concern in life are the kids under her care (and, in true Hallmark form, to a completely annoying degree). But through a random series of events, she finds herself taking care of Prince Alexander, a prince (surprise!) who breaks his leg in a ski accident. Rather than take him to a typical hospital, which will be swarming with paparazzi, the royal family decides to send him to Dr. Tasha’s establishment, as the two of them were childhood friends who went their own separate ways after a disagreement. Uh oh, no way this well thought out plan could spell trouble!

Despite some good chemistry between the leads, this one is a dud for a rather surprising reason: everyone else is a piece of shit in one way or another. Seriously, I don’t recall another cast of characters that frequently pissed me off so much. Yes, of course the mean ones all do a complete 180 and change their tunes around by the end of the movie, but that still means about three-quarters of the movie are filled with people that you don’t really even want to see.

There’s Dr. Tasha’s boss, a black woman (because there’s an unwritten rule that you must specify race if not white) who clearly puts profits above the lives of children in her care; she’s terrible for obvious reasons already, but is actually so heartless and evil that she would be better suited as an action movie villain. Then, there’s the prince’s dad, who of course is an entitled piece of crap who uses his pull to basically force Dr. Tasha into caring for his son. Even the characters that aren’t mean are nearly unbearable: Jeff, Dr. Tasha’s best friend, is the obligatory over-the-top comedian who forcefully jabs jokes in your face until you just want to smash his against a wall. His eventual love interest is Bella, an always-angry young woman who basically functions as the prince’s spokesperson/bodyguard, and who spends half the movie in hysterics wondering where the prince has gone, or getting jealous that Dr. Tasha is getting close with him. It’s like a collection of characters that you would never want to spend even a minute with, and the filmmakers thought you would want to have as your best friends.

It's the chemistry between the two leads that carry this one as far as it goes; unfortunately, it’s the writing that ultimately prevents it from spreading its wings, keeping it grounded and never giving it even the remotest of chances to take off. At least the romance is largely the main focus, which isn’t the case with a lot of holiday movies we’ve seen recently, so if you’re part of the old-fashioned crowd who just wants to see two people fall in love, this would be a good option for you. If, however, you actually want to enjoy the time you spend watching two people fall in love, look somewhere else, in a land far, far away.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Kaitlyn Leeb just might be the most attractive Lifetime/Hallmark actress in existence; she also might be the most talented.
• She goes from being inconsolably angry to forgivable pretty quick.
• Why does the "sudden fiancé" have to be a plot point at all and, in this case, why is she so unattractive?
• This one gives us not only one example of the “pretend to hate this man but secretly am attracted to him” trope, but two! (Bella also does the same with Jeff).
• One formula that doesn’t typically work for movies in general, but especially not holiday ones: Having an entire cast of unlikable characters (outside of the two leads).

RATING: 4/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Operation Christmas Drop (2020)

Director: Martin Wood
Writers: Gregg Rossen and Brian Sawyer
Starring: Kat Graham, Alexander Ludwig, Trezzo Mahoro, and Bethany Brown

Part U.S. military propaganda, part (well, mostly) cheesy holiday romance, Operation Christmas Drop tells the (true) story of the Department of Defense’s “longest running humanitarian mission, in which military personnel and civilians come together to gather supplies for people on isolated islands, and drop off large wooden crates full of food and other necessities. It provides a rather curious backdrop for a gag-inducing holiday romance in which Kat Graham (one of the most naturally beautiful actresses in Hollywood…or anywhere for that matter) plays Erica, a career-focused (!) woman trying to work her way up in Washington D.C.

She is sent on a mission from her superior, with the potential for promotion should her mission be successful: go to a beachside Air Force base, and—though it’s not really directly “spoken”—find enough reasons to justify shutting it down. Of course, this is over the Christmas holiday, which means she won’t be able to spend Christmas with her family; in a rare twist, she doesn’t really care, as she’s not too fond of her father’s new wife (of course, since parents can never just get divorced or separate in these movies—because that wouldn’t be Christian enough—her mother died three years ago).

Confident and hellbent on achieving her mission, she is caught off guard when her “escort” around the base is Andrew, an equally-confident, Christmas-obsessed Air Force captain who helps to oversee the annual Christmas Drop. As per usual, the two trade barbs at first, that quickly turn into sparks of romance; but will she choose to fight for what’s right, or phone in a report just to stay on the track to promotion?

Actually, fans of this type of cinematic endeavor might be a little disappointed, as the romance takes a backseat to Erica’s frantic attempts to save the campaign. Of course, the two do end up falling for each other, despite their initial misgivings, but chemistry-wise, they feel more like good friends rather than lovers destined to be together. And Erica’s sudden change from seeing the Christmas Drop as a waste of government resources, to being the main champion of the cause, is laughably abrupt, even for this kind of movie.

If there’s one thing we can count on from Netflix-produced romances, it’s that the acting will at least be above-average; Operation Christmas Drop doesn’t disappoint in that regard. The leads are charming and, even though I would say Alexander Ludwig (as Andrew) is not a very conventionally-attractive looking guy, he wins the viewer over with his laid-back personality. As I said, I don’t think they really explode chemistry, but they’re likeable and flow well together, even if it’s not in a lover kind of way.

Can I come back to the sustainability of Netflix as a whole? They’re dropping billions of dollars worth of money on content every year, but pulling in around $500 million in subscriber fees. There are no advertisements…how is this a sustainable business model? Just this movie alone cost $24 million to make—outside of the salaries for the cast and crew, I don’t see much more than $2 million on the screen.

At any rate, this is a rather ho-hum exercise in genre clichés that mostly manages to be cute, but does feature some anger-inducing clichés that would have been best left out. If this is your type of movie, you’ll probably find enough here to like. But thanks to its focus on an actual story rather than the relationship between its two main stars, this certainly won’t win over any Scrooge-types, and might not even win over most of its targeted demographic.

OVERALL RATING: 5.5/10

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• The random computer-generated gecko is probably the worst example of CGI since the early 2000s; clearly not enough was spent in areas where it was most needed.
• The “miracle” that occurs to save the day feels more like a quickly written cop-out, rather than an actual miracle.

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f

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Hometown Holiday (2018)

Director: Justin G. Dyck
Writer: Amanda McNeice, based on the novel by Caro Carson
Starring: Sarah Troyer, Bradley Hamilton, Kevin McGarry, and Samantha Gracie

It happens every year: I forget a movie almost immediately after watching it. Most of the time, it’s because it’s instantly forgettable; sometimes, it’s just because I’m either tired, or have a lot on my mind. Hometown Holiday is such a movie, and it’s because it’s instantly forgettable.

The set-up of the movie is pretty weird, as it features a well-known country singer character, who is not the main love interest. Instead, it’s the agent trying to sign him to a lucrative deal (for both parties), who has traveled all the way from L.A. to a remote village in the hopes of getting him to sign his life away. That, along with the female side of the equation—one of two sisters who slowly falls head over heels with the talent agent, instead of the sister who knew the country singer back in high school—makes for a rather bizarre story.

At any rate, the first half of this schmaltzy crapfest is actually okay, with the unique story angle a nice change of pace. I actually felt like it was somewhat unpredictable—like we were watching the side stories of the characters in the millions of other “Country Christmas” movies where the “small town” country star is the one who falls for some beautiful woman that he used to know way back in the day, but whom he fell out of touch with (usually for a reason that’s his fault), and whom he must win back by writing an emotional song for, which he then performs in front of a large group of people to confess his love for said woman. Refreshingly, all that is kept to a minimum.

Unfortunately, the second half is just a rage-inducing mess that really is just frustrating beyond all measure. It’s like the characters are slipped a “retard” pill and completely act out of character just to fancy the whims of the poorly-written script. Because, of course, there has to be some drama, and this one has two instances of rather far-reaching drama: she gets upset because she finds out that he lied to her about being a rancher (no one knows he’s an agent from L.A. at first). But then—later on—we discover she wants to return to musical theater, a fact she keeps from him…that makes it seem like she’s just every other fame-hungry whore he’s ever dated. Come on peeps! Some communication would go a long way to eliminating these bad mix-ups!

And don’t even get me on the painful side story involving the agent and his girlfriend (who midway through becomes “ex” girlfriend), a fame-obsessed woman who constantly berates him for not sending in headshots like he promised, and leaves him for an older Asian man just because he will. Her scenes, I think, are meant to be over-the-top in a comedic way, but they’re actually “over-the-top” in a “I want to jump into the TV set and punch her in the face before jumping back out, breaking my TV with a hammer, and then throwing it out of a third story window” kind of way. I mean, it’s not like this movie really builds up much momentum to ruin it, but these scenes certainly deflate what little it does manage to save.

In one bright spot, thankfully, the main cast is good: Sarah Troyer (as Krista) has a natural beauty that creeps up on you—either that, or maybe the makeup artists did a better job understanding her face as the movie went on. Either way, I have to shallowly admit I was very disappointed in her casting choice in the beginning (“Ugh, couldn’t they have gotten someone hot if I have to stare at them for 90 minutes?!”) but by the end, she completely won me over in the looks department (her "too angelic for words" character, on the other hand, is another story altogether). Bradley Hamilton, as agent Ryan Rourke, meanwhile, has an understated “coolness” that works well for the part. He reminds me of a younger Josh Hartnett; not in looks, but in the cool, nonchalant way he delivers his lines. I suppose many may find his performance a little too one-note, or “bored”; I thought it was a unique interpretation of a popular L.A. agent, without resorting to the over-the-top antics that most of the characters in these movies would force on you (“Look at me, I’m popular and a douchebag and wearing sunglasses, and that’s how you know I’m supposed to be from L.A.!”)

Unfortunately, while separately they deliver solid performances, there really isn’t much chemistry between them; I think I’d believe them more as brother and sister than as two lovers meant to be together.

In the end, despite the star's best efforts, this one’s ultimately another dud; I don’t think it’s on par with some of the worst holiday shtick we’ve ever seen, but it’s got more in common with those than anything that I’d consider “good”.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Wait, didn't Krista inherit a family farm? How does she have time for, like, three different jobs and 10 different hobbies?
• In one scene so confusing that it almost comes off as brilliant, Ryan calls Krista after a disagreement, and then 30 seconds later claims he’s busy and that he has to go, as if she interrupted him.
•  The side story involving his headshot-obsessed girlfriend is as cringeworthy as they come.
•  So Krista was so popular in New York that fame “swallowed her up”, yet no one knows who she is, she doesn't feel the need to mention it until way later on, and she's so nervous in the teeny town of Buttfuck, New Jersey (or wherever this thing takes place) that she initially fails miserably?
• Note during the “party” scene, where the country star takes a kid’s drink away from him in order to put him to bed, and places it right next to four pre-filled cups of fruit punch that are untouched and available for people to take.
• Speaking of rage-inducing: That’s so fucking hilarious that the pregnant woman has such bad food cravings that she gets sidetracked in mid-thought; the "pussywhipped husband who supports his pregnant wife for fear of her sudden emotional outbursts" is also carried to vomit-inducing extremes here. 
• Have the writers ever actually seen a countryside, or met someone who owned a horse, in person before?
• Kids in these movies are almost always annoying. The one here is a little less so than most, but they're always the worst actors and usually impossibly ugly, yet people pretend like they're just the greatest little shits ever.

OVERALL RATING: 4.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Midnight at the Magnolia (2018)

Director: Max McGuire
Writers: Carley Smale
Starring: Natalie Hall, Evan Williams, Alison Brooks, and Steve Cumyn 

Midnight at the Magnolia is one of many variations on the standard “two people must pretend they’re together to accomplish something and then actually fall in love” theme that’s so prevalent during the holidays. Why are so many lame plotlines recycled over and over again almost verbatim? I get that studios want to churn them out as quickly as possible, but don’t these people get bored writing and directing and starring in the same movie over and over and over again? (Then again, I guess it’s all based on what audiences want, and apparently they never get sick of watching the same things over and over and over again.)

In this variation, Maggie and Jack are two radio DJ’s—and lifelong friends—who give dating advice on a wildly popular local radio show; so popular, in fact, that a satellite radio company is planning to pick them up and run them in syndication!

Long story short, the head of the satellite radio station wants to air a special show in which Maggie and Jack introduce their significant others to their parents (who both have also been lifelong friends and run a bar together called “Magnolia”), thinking that the potential drama could pull in massive ratings. But things quickly go south when both of their beau’s, a little put-off by being discussed so openly on radio, decide to call things off, leaving Maggie and Jack without anyone to introduce their parents to.

They initially suggest hiring actors, but figure that would get too messy. You know what won’t get too messy, though? Breaking the hearts of everyone around you, including your own parents (and even a dead mother!), when they find out that the only thing they’ve ever wanted turns out to be a fake event simply to boost ratings! Yeah, no way that could get out of hand, so let’s definitely pass on the more sustainable “paid actor” plan…

This is one of those movies that pushed and pulled me constantly in both directions, mainly because it’s just so stupid. Normally with these movies, I feel like that’s just par for the course and everyone gets what they deserve. But in this case, I actually kind of feel bad saying that, because the leads are adorable, especially Natalie Hall as Maggie (who has apparently already been pigeonholed as a romantic lead in cheesy holiday movies, and will thus never have a successful career outside of them). The two leads have good chemistry together, and actually feel like they’ve known each other for a long time.

Which also leads to the crux of my problems: for being so in tune with one another, they’re both apparently pretty stupid when it comes to picking up on signals. [Minor spoilers ahead] For example, one thing that haunts Maggie even to the present day was when Jack decided to take another girl to high school prom at the last second all those years ago. Why couldn’t she just tell him if they’re so comfortable with one another, and spend virtually every waking moment together? Or, even better yet, wouldn’t it be pretty obvious to even a complete idiot? [end minor spoilers]

Although working against that theory is Jack: like the movie’s script, he’s exceedingly dumb. This is a guy who needs everything spelled out for him in order to understand things—and even then he’s prone to obliviously missing the point. [More minor spoilers] Take, for instance, the aforementioned sequence where he dumped Maggie for another girl. His own parents told him how obvious it was that she was into him, and he never acted on it or took it seriously. Or the scene later when he stumbles on the girl he dumped Maggie for back in high school, and takes her up on an offer to have drinks together. Thankfully, she doesn't try to steal Jake away (surprisingly), but in fact, she's the one that has to explain to him just how heartbroken Maggie was, and how much she means to her. I mean, this girl knew that over a decade ago, but this moron couldn't figure it out for himself? [end more minor spoilers]

At any rate, the entire cast of characters are likeable, and they help to keep things tolerable at its worst, and entertaining at its peak. It's not a particularly good holiday movie, but if you just want an attractive cast and some background noise, this should set the appropriate mood.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Are the leftovers that Maggie offers Jack from the fridge early on really just lettuce and mashed potatoes, like it appears?
• Something I just realized: Do we ever even see Jack's girlfriend? We see her boyfriend/ex, but I don't think we ever even see the woman he was dating. (I could be wrong because it's been about 6 days since I've seen it, which is the equivalent of six years in normal movie years.)
• There really is some cute chemistry between the two leads; it's actually pretty believable they grew up together, for the most part.

OVERALL RATING: 5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Survival (aka Surviving Christmas With the Relatives) (2018)

Director: James Dearden
Writer: Dearden

Starring: Julian Ovenden, Gemma Whelan, Joely Richardson, and Michael Landes

Are we in a better mood than most holiday seasons, or are we just mentally imbalanced? This is the second movie that we’ve seen this holiday season that has gotten picked apart by critics (and, in most cases, audiences) that we have enjoyed.

The basic set-up of the plot, admittedly, is rather lazy: Rich relatives from America come to visit English relatives in a run-down cottage in the British countryside. Thankfully, though, the humor is (usually) much more than just watching rich characters complain about stepping in cow manure, or seeing live chickens running around (although there is plenty of that, too).

I will say that it does bite off a little bit more than it can chew: It feels as if writer/director James Dearden pictured a whole TV series based around it, and set out to fill the story with as many different intricacies as possible. That’s probably the movie’s weakest characteristic: for taking place on Christmas (and Boxing Day), there’s very little actual Christmas in it. Instead, it’s more the study of a dysfunctional family trying to keep things together, that just so happens to be based around Christmastime. And by having so many different characters involved in the plot, there are such large gaps between seeing some of them that we forget they're even a part of the movie.

The cast pulls things off marvelously, and once again, they’re the biggest reason we liked this movie as much as we did. Michael Landes is perfect as Trent, the rich douchebag who’s looking to sleep with anything he can—even if it’s not his wife; Joely Richardson is great as Lyla, Miranda’s sister, and a successful actress who may not be as successful—or as happy—as we originally think; and Gemma Whelan is great as Miranda, Lyla’s sister, and the beneficiary of the country house via her father’s will.

Maybe we’re just desensitized to cheesy holiday romance movies, and the sudden switch to a more straightforward comedy was a welcome change from the norm; whatever the reason, we enjoyed our time trying to survive this Christmas. There’s nothing new or unique—even a lot of the jokes are predictable—but but it’s all done pretty well, and sold by a cast that is uniformly above average.

With a little bit of trimmings (on the cutting room floor, not on the dinner table), this could have been a much more focused, much more enjoyable movie.

OVERALL RATING: 6/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Christmas Movie Christmas (2019)

Director: Brian Herzlinger
Writers: Brant Daugherty and Kimberly Daugherty
Starring: Brant Daugherty, Lana McKissack, Kimberly Daugherty, and Ryan Merriman

Here’s a movie with a promising plotline: A single woman obsessed with campy Christmas romance movies—and her grumpy sister—are magically transported to a town similar to the one in her favorite holiday picture, and then must join forces with the townsfolk to save Christmas when it’s threatened by…shit, I honestly don’t even remember. But it doesn’t really matter: all you need to know is that Christmas is being threatened.

First things first – and I’m sure part of this issue stems from the fact I’m just coming off of watching a Netflix holiday movie – but are the production values in these movies always so generic? I guess I’d never really noticed before, but it looks like it was shot for $20 using the director’s closest friends and family.

The biggest problem with A Christmas Movie Christmas is that it seems to completely forget its own premise; rather than being a “spoof”, or even a “homage” to cheesy holiday fare, it literally just becomes another one. There’s the occasional self-awareness, but those moments are few and far between and aren’t nearly exploited as often as they should be. What’s the point of having this setting when even the main characters forget what it is?

That’s why, despite the promising setup, this one is a sobering reminder of just how fucking godawful these movies can be. Exhibit A: The main character. I hate her. She goes from squealing with delight at the sight of everything in the village, to suddenly forgetting it’s all a movie, and then looking sad about everything when she pushes away her man and thinks she ruined the town’s annual Christmas festival. Honestly, her biggest problem is that she has a very punchable face, a fact only exacerbated by her overuse of it.

The sister is annoying in her own way, too, but she’s much easier to look at, and doesn’t overuse her facial muscles to the point of annoyance.

Not helping matters are the “love” interests are two of the worst I may have ever seen in a romance movie. The main character’s, Dustin, looks like a middle-aged father of three who’s constantly out cheating on his wife, or running up a tab at a local bar. To say that there is no chemistry between them is a vast understatement—this is definitely one of those movies where you couldn’t care whether or not the two leads get together at all.

The sister’s love interest is a ridiculously over-the-top guy who my wife referred to as a “puppy man”: he starts by leaving her dozens of notes throughout the town, which she initially finds to be creepy. So he changes that up by stalking her until she realizes she isn’t going to get anything else, and just accepts his advances. But he’s so…childish that I literally think he would qualify as being clinically retarded. Of course, the movie is probably trying to exaggerate his “sense of wonder” (and I have to admit that it's absurdly entertaining), but especially to be paired up with a character who has none of the same feelings about Christmas, it’s a rather forced (mis)match.

The ending is cobbled together, and makes even less sense than most of these movies—it’s a threadbare, completely illogical excuse to have a happy ending that’s more or less literally formed out of nowhere. It’s like the writers couldn’t be bothered to think of anything that fit, so they just winged it during filming; “unsatisfactory” doesn’t even begin to describe it on the most basic of all levels.

I suppose it was only a matter of time, but after getting off to a strong start, our holiday movie season has run into its first snag.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• What was the point of having the grumpy boss character? He was just completely pointless.
• Being a movie-within-a-movie doesn't help here: This is just a bad movie within a terrible one.
• I thought this might be a clever subversion of the subgenre; instead, it's just shit.
• Apparently, these characters think self-loathing is a very attractive quality.
• You know you've done something wrong when the grandma character is by far the best one in the entire movie.
• Why does the dumb kid always sound like she has a cold?
• How come in almost every scene where there's a "famous musician" on stage in these movies, they're almost always alone on the stage with an acoustic guitar, yet the music that comes out features a full band? Where's the drummer and bassist hiding?
• For being obsessed with these kinds of movies, Eve is pretty clueless as to how they work.
• That explains some things: the writers of this mess are also two of the main stars.

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OVERALL RATING: 3/10

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Holidate (2020)

Director: John Whitesell    
Writer: Tiffany Paulsen
Starring: Emma Roberts, Luke Bracey, Kristin Chenoweth, and Manish Dayal

There was one thought consistently running through my head while watching Holidate, Netflix’s latest no-doubt overpriced holiday romp: Emma Roberts is beautiful. As one who tends to avoid mainstream Hollywood fare (what can I say, I’m a cinematic snob), I can honestly say that I haven’t seen her in anything else before, but she has a natural beauty that I just couldn’t take my eyes off of; it also helps that she’s easily the best part of the movie, which can’t decide if it wants to be an “edgy” take on the romantic comedy, or just a straightforward formula follower.

Emma (I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re on a first name basis now) plays Sloane (apparently a very popular name in cheesy holiday flicks these days), a woman who is afraid of commitment following a break-up. Through her promiscuous Aunt Susan, she hears about the idea of a “holidate”: that is, a person that you bring around only on holidays to at least give the appearance that your love life is together. 

At a coffeeshop, she meets Jackson, a man who has similar reservations about love; he agrees to be her holiday partner all year long. And that’s what happens: through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even the less popular ones, they seem inseparable. And yet, at the end of the night, they separate, only to fall out of touch until the next one. Of course, though, things don’t go as planned when they start falling for each other—a process that gets drug out for so long, that the movie threatens to become boring. 

I think the issue here is that these characters clearly have some chemistry together right from the outset: their initial scenes together seem effortless, and adorable. This would have worked better if it took the place over one night, and followed the two as they slowly came to grips with the feelings they have for one another. But then, of course, you wouldn’t have the chance to throw in Sloane shitting all over herself, or seeing Aunt Susan’s latest holiday conquest, or have the annoying backstory of Sloane’s ex-boyfriend, who she can’t seem to get over, yet who seems to turn up everywhere with his new girlfriend. 

Of course, the idea is that “holidating” brings very little pressure, and thus the two are free to be themselves; once feelings start working their way in, that’s when the whole set-up is ruined, because it feels too much like commitment. But rather than embrace the chemistry of its stars, the movie goes out of its way to refute it. To an impossible, frustrating degree. At what point does denying something obvious no longer come off as cute, but just obnoxious? I’d say around the one-hour mark here…maybe even earlier. 

It all combines to form a movie that’s unnecessarily tough to watch, mainly due to the excessive denial of Sloane’s character, who is so stubborn and hard-headed that not even Jackson’s impassioned confession of love can win her over. Eventually, of course, she comes to her senses, but Holidate seems to take pride in throwing one obstacle after another towards her; that’s par for the course in these tales, but the problem is, they are all obstacles we’ve seen a thousand times in a thousand different romantic movies, and—despite the movie desperately wanting to prove to us how “edgy” and “independent” it is by smattering in profanities and promiscuous characters—it has nothing new to add or say about them. It’s like when Lady Gaga first "burst" onto the music scene: Remember when she wore meat dresses and over-the-top attire (no doubt picked out by stylists) and everyone was saying how “edgy” and “experimental” she was even though all her music was on soft rock radio stations? That kind of sums this one up: it tries so hard to show you that it’s not like other movies by using the "f" word in its opening line (a tacky tactic), but then doesn’t have the guts to be different anywhere else. 

One thing that did kind of shock me is just how little spoofery or self-awareness there is: it’s just your typical schmaltzy love-fest, only with the occasional “fuck” added (oh, and a sex scene; admittedly I’d be fine with more of those in these kinds of movies) to trick you into thinking it’s something more. This would have actually been the perfect foundation for an “anti-Christmas romance” movie, that spoofs the subgenre while still paying affectionate homage to it; instead it’s just as limp in the story department as most others. 

Honestly, the movie is carried by Ms. Roberts and Luke Bracey, as Jackson, who have great chemistry together. It’s just a shame that a big part of the movie consists of denying that connection just for the sake of following a tired formula that’s begging to be subverted. I guess that’s the opposite problem many of these movies suffer from, and that’s forcing you to care for two characters who clearly have nothing between them in “real life”, but it certainly doesn’t feel like a good problem for viewers, who may find themselves tuning out for large stretches of time. 

OVERALL RATING: 5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Holly Star (2018)

Director: Michael A. Nickles    
Writer: Nickles
Starring: Katlyn Carlson, Brian Muller, Teya Patt, and Pamela Chabora

It’s only the second movie we’ve watched this holiday season, but it’s hard to imagine anything that follows topping Holly Star—this might just be the quintessential cheesy holiday movie; a near-perfect romp through formulaic territory that’s genuinely funny, legitimately charming, and that somehow feels fresh.

The plot is mostly typical: Sloan is a puppeteer (?) who is fired from her job; without a place to stay, she travels to her parents’ home—only to discover they’re out of town on a trip. No worries, though, because her old stomping grounds feature a large cast of characters that she grew up with, like best friend (and paintball aficionado) Kay K; her “young at heart and mind and body” grandmother, who lives in a senior care facility that she also apparently runs; and Andy, her childhood friend who returns home once a year to help his parent’s run a Christmas tree farm. Honestly, it’s my nightmare collection of characters (there aren’t many things I hate more in movies than the grandma character with boundless energy who acts like a young person for comedic effect; that’s up there with “fat person dancing” as the cheapest, laziest, and unfunniest of all clichés), but somehow they never become annoying; I think it also helps that—with the exception of Teya Patt’s Kay K—the overacting is kept to a bare minimum, which at least helps to ground it more in “reality”.

But there’s also another piece to Sloan’s puzzle: Every time she gets close to death (and it oddly happens more than once), she has flashbacks to her childhood, when she witnessed Santa Claus burying a bag full of money. She becomes virtually obsessed with finding the location of that bag, even going so far as to planning out her own near-death experience (with the help of Kay K), in an effort to stir up further memories. But is it the treasure that she’s really after? Or is Santa leading her to something that’s worth far more than money?

We all know how it’s going to end up: the refreshing part is how it goes about getting there. The story weaves its way through drunken Santa pub crawls, nursing home tango nights, and dickish impound lot managers, but never once loses its footing. It approaches—and perhaps even surpasses—“over-the-top” territory, but it never feels forced; it never feels like the material is getting out of control, the way it often does with these kind of movies, which seem to be quickly-produced in an effort to maximize earning potential.

The disparate, mismatched plot elements sound like they would be a certifiable mess (and they technically should be), but somehow, like most everything else, it just works: this is one of those ultra-rare holiday movies that isn’t just enjoyable for “what it is”; it’s enjoyable, period. The casting is spot-on, the writing is almost pitch-perfect, and the use of puppets (courtesy of Figures of Speech) is an inspiring, artsy gamble that will no doubt turn off as many as it impresses. Maybe most importantly: it’s actually funny, and with a unanimously likable cast.

It also doesn’t hurt that Katlyn Carlson’s Sloan is absolutely adorable. It can’t be easy hiring the leads for a holiday romance, because I’m finding in order for them to “work” the best, they have to be attractive, but not overly so; they must also balance the looks with a certain level of “girl (or boy) next door” innocence. Again, it can’t be too much (I loathe the movies where the filmmakers go out of their way to make the main character too perfect, and too oblivious to everything), which is why it’s actually tougher than it would seem, and why a large portion of these movies disappoint upon execution. There needs to be something good to look at, almost as a distraction while you swallow the same plot lines and one-dimensional characters for the millionth time.

Sloan strikes that perfect balance: she’s attractive by looks alone, but not in a way that I would consider “conventional”: she’s not a supermodel, but nor is she “plain”. She has a look that’s all…her. Factor in her laid-back attitude, and she becomes a woman that even I would marry; that certainly makes it a lot easier to root for characters when you actually feel some kind of connection.

If I had to pick the “weakest link” of the story, I would say this probably isn’t one that will cater to true fans of Christmas romances; there are so many plot devices that the romantic element feels like a recurring theme, moreso than the focus. There aren’t really true “sparks” between the characters, either, because they are given shockingly little screentime together; there were more than a couple parts where I legitimately forgot I was watching a romance, simply because that part of the story frequently seems to be on the backburner. That being said, though, the romantic elements don’t feel “forced”, and the two leads are cute together—while there might not be mind-blowing chemistry, their personalities fit well, and they seem like they would be a good match.

I guess that’s why this movie worked for me: I’m certainly not the main demographic for these movies, because I often find the romance parts to be the least compelling. Holly Star has enough plot for two or three typical romance movies, and because of that, the “love” story seems to be put on the backburner more often than not. I’d assume this viewpoint was just limited to me if my wife—who legitimately does find excitement in the “romantic” aspects of these movies—loved it just as much as I did.

So why the lower-than-average rating on IMDb? I’m not quite sure, but it leads me to believe you have to have an open-mind, and a tolerance for a movie that’s willing to mess around with the straightforward linear formula expected of these movies. It doesn’t tweak it much, but enough that it might turn off diehard fans of the gag-inducing straightforwardness of the romance movies of old. And in its wake, it leaves a refreshing holiday romance that might be light on “romance”, but that makes up for it with loads of charm, humor, and puppets.

Who knew that combination could ever combine to form the best cheesy holiday romance movie we’ve ever seen?

RATING: 9/10

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SIDE NOTE: The film's director breaks down the shooting of this movie, which was - like many other holiday productions - shot on a low budget. This article from Moviemaker.com is a fascinating read for those interested on topics from the other side of the camera; he also doesn't come off as an irritating douchebag like I thought he might.

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Catch (2018)

Director: Justin G. Dyck
Writer: Patrick McBrearty
Starring: Emily Alatalo, Andrew Bushell, Franco Lo Presti, and Genelle Williams

It’s the holiday season, which means it’s about time to decorate the tree, listen to festive music, drink hot chocolate, and of course, cuddle up in front of the television to watch some horrible Christmas movies! Which one would get the honors of kicking off the 2020 season for us? It was a rather lengthy process, but we decided to skip the more popular recent releases to find one that sounded so absolutely awful that it had a greater chance of dampening our Christmas spirit, rather than heightening it.

And that one we settled on was Christmas Catch, about a rather inept female police detective nicknamed Mack (short for McKenzie), who is literally ordered by the FBI to date a man suspected of stealing a valuable jewel (when was this story written, the 1920’s?) Considering she’s desperate for Mr. Right (we’re talking “desperate” to a level almost unmatched by any other Christmas movie character in history), she revels at the chance—but then starts to question her motives when she genuinely falls for him. Much of the common holiday romance hijinx ensue in a story that should be mostly familiar to anyone who’s ever seen one.

But Christmas Catch does have a couple tricks up its yuletide sleeve, including a twist that I admit caught me totally off guard, and that briefly takes the material into Lifetime mystery territory. It’s also notable for allowing two main characters of the opposite sex to just be friends: in this case it’s Mack and her partner Reid, an attractive, straight male whom she is forced to live with while they stake out the suspected diamond bandit. Not once are there ever romantic overtures from either, which is both unexpected and refreshing.

The performances are pretty good overall: Emily Alatalo has acting chops to match her looks, and dominates the picture as Mack, the bumbling detective-turned-dater. While much of her performance is standard fare, she does have a couple of emotional breakdowns toward the end that are startlingly  realistic; so much so that they almost feel out of place in an otherwise silly, lighthearted romp. Yanic Truesdale, who many may remember as Michel Gerard, the hotel owner from a little show called “Gilmore Girls”, also deserves some praise, delivering a noteworthy performance within a limited amount of screentime.

It’s not all snowshowers and rainbows, though: Captain Bennett, who is Mack’s boss, also happens to be her mother. She is one of those insufferable mother characters so pervasive in these movies; so nosey in her daughter’s life that it becomes creepy. The movie also milks jokes about Mack’s hapless dating life well beyond the point of normalcy; it doesn’t ever come off as cruel (mainly because she’s a good sport about the ribbing), but it’s a pretty redundant topic for the first half-hour that thankfully dies down once the story gets rolling. And Genelle Williams (as FBI Special Agent Robertson) is completely miscast, failing to deliver the grit and confidence that her character requires.

However, Christmas Catch actually defies those odds to become an above-average example of the genre: it’s charming enough to overcome most of its faults, tweaks the predictability formula enough to include some genuine surprises, and actually features some genuinely funny moments. It takes longer to get going than it should, but once it does, it’s a solid example of the "holiday cheese" subgenre.

RATING: 6/10

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SIDE NOTE OF PERTINENT INTEREST TO ME: The director of this, who's filmography reads like he's the son of the president of Hallmark, has completely broken mold, crafting a horror movie titled Anything for Jackson, about a Satanist couple who try to bring back their dead son...with horrifying consequences. Just tossing that out there, in case there are fellow lovers (or avid haters) of cheesy romance movies that also happen to love the horror genre.