MARVEL...OUS MARVISTA? Falling Star (aka Goyband) (2008)

Director: Christopher Grimm
Writer(s): Christa McNamee, Dan Bar Hava, and Grimm
Starring: Adam Pascal, Amy Davidson, Natasha Lyonne, and Zoe Lister-Jones

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Fresh off a screening of the surprisingly solid (but poorly titled) Friend Request (the 2020 version, not the 2016 slice of mega-cheese), we figured we had nowhere to go but down with whatever we chose to be our next movie. And we wouldn’t have even settled on this one were it not for the overly ridiculous plot (even for MarVista standards), in which a former boy band member—who is not Jewish—gets invited to play at the grand opening of a Kosher Casino (?), and falls for a Jewish girl—who is the daughter of the hotel’s owner, and arranged to be married to someone else (??).

“How did a movie like this even get made,” you may be thinking to yourself. I know I was, especially given its very low budget, which is immediately evident from the first frame (while subpar picture quality remains as a constant reminder throughout). By the time ten minutes rolled around, after the plot started unfolding and it quickly became evident that this movie is in on its own joke, those thoughts suddenly switched to, “Wait, how can this movie be any good?!”

I've asked for it many times before, and now I've gotten it: Behind the intriguingly over-the-top story is that rare movie that actually challenges MarVista's formula. Were they going through an identity crisis when they purchased the rights to distribute this film (changing the title from Goyband, to Falling Star in the process), or did they just purchase the rights based on a plot synopsis, without ever having seen the film? I ask because this plays out like an anti-MarVista production, rather than the “real” thing: those expecting the typical “underdog love tale” between a former star and a lifelong fan will be shockingly disappointed—and not in the way you might expect.

Adam Pascal (of “Rent” fame, both movie and play) is Bobby Starr, that disgraced former boy-bander, whose attempts at a solo career are...bad. Think “playing at a bowling alley to uncaring children” bad. Then, his manager books him for a potentially lucrative show: the grand opening of a kosher casino in the Catskills. How in the world did a non-Jew land such a gig? At the insistence of Rebekka, the daughter of the hotel's owner, who has followed his career from day one, along with her best friends Hani and Fani (Natasha Lyonne!). And while Bobby isn't at all enthused about the gig—especially when he learns he must tone down the sexuality in order to appeal to the conservative crowd—he isn't really in any position to refuse.

All that changes when he hears Rebekka singing one of his songs while passing by her room. His interest is immediately piqued when he sees her for the first time, and the two eventually start a hidden friendship that threatens to quickly blossom into true love. But if it gets out, it could spell trouble for everyone involved: Rebekka's hand in marriage has already been promised to Haim, who's the son of the Grand Rabbi, who happens to be the only person that can grant Rebekka's father's casino the kosher certification needed to operate...

While this is already enough plot for one movie, it still hasn't touched upon the janitor that Bobby befriends, who moonlights as a music producer (?) and who offers to give Bobby's music the “soul” that it's missing. Or the two gay hotel workers who help choreograph a “kosher” version of his routine. But unlike most MarVista flops, where more characters just mean more annoyances, would you believe it if I told you that every single one serve a purpose, and that all of them are likable?! (Except for the ones that aren't supposed to be, of course.)

There is a surprising amount of depth to each of them that caught me completely off guard: these aren't just your typical half-assed characters, but fully-fleshed out humans who are all trying their best to live their lives by the religious virtues that they believe in. And even though it's a “religious” movie at heart, there is no preachiness, or forced revelations, or sudden acts of God: in fact, every single character questions their own religious viewpoints at some point, wondering if they are doing what's best for themselves, and God, and even trying to find a happy medium between the two.

I sadly know nothing about Judaism (I wasn’t even entirely sure what “kosher” meant, despite having heard the term thousands of times before), but that’s one of the movie’s strengths: despite using a lot of Jewish terms, they’re utilized in such a way that it’s pretty obvious what the terms are in reference to, even for the unfamiliar. Credit must be given to the filmmakers, who present a realistic look into the religion without sugarcoating any of it, and who balance an interesting love story with natural, good-hearted characters.

The cast is great, especially Adam Pascal as the disgraced former star, who has the perfect look to match a character desperately clinging to the success of his past. Rebekka (Amy Davidson, known for her role in “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter”) is good as his obsessed fan, and while their chemistry together is wildly uneven (she goes from being in awe of his presence to acting like a casual fan almost instantly), it's cute and innocent enough to work.

As for the ending, well...I won't give away specifics, but let's just say it will no doubt serve as a gut punch for those expecting the typical lovey-dovey finish. But even that is done very well: once the initial shock dies down, that's when you realize that everyone gets what he or she wanted, and everything works out for the best. And that is something that I wouldn't have expected to ever learn from watching a MarVista movie: that sometimes what's best for us in life, isn't always the thing that we think we want.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Were they aware his character shares the name, and is just one changed letter away, from a porn star's?
• The world “goy” is Yiddish for “non-Jewish male”. Hence, the original title is a play on words.
• It's refreshing to me that the “villain” in the movie—the man to whom Rebekka is arranged to be married—is still acting within the parameters of his religion. Sure, his comments about “wanting her” and his constant attempts to consummate a future marriage come off as cringey, especially to Western audiences (and because Rebekka clearly doesn't want it), but it does feel as though he really likes her, and since she is to be his future wife, he is only trying to show her that. In the creepiest way possible, but hey, that's the way things are in more old-fashioned, male-dominated cultures.
• The re-titling of the movie to Falling Star, rather than Starr (which is the main character's last name), is rather curious. It could be referring to the “Star of David”, but considering the front cover art has no Jewish references, it seems like a rather odd omission.
• Despite the tone of this review, it's not a perfect movie, but I'm just going to bask in the afterglow of perhaps the only movie in MarVista's catalogue that attempts to have both a brain and a heart. Who knew they had it in them?

RATING: 9/10

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MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: Cradles for Cash (Maternal Instinct) (2019)

Director: Michael Feifer
Writer(s): Feifer
Starring: Adrienne Frantz, Christy Carlson Romano, Gabrielle Stone, and Scott Anthony Leet

Alright, now we're back on track here! After witnessing a couple MarVista movies that were actually good, we've been set back in our place with some that have been among the worst atrocities ever unleashed upon the world. And the latest example of that is Cradles for Cash, a movie so bad that you'll actually be rooting for the main characters to never get their stolen baby back.

Teen pop sensation Adrienne Frantz is annoying, but also Kelly, a nurse who has been trying to have a baby with her overacting husband Jonathan. They're the perfect couple because you want to punch both of them in the face every time you see them, either alone, or together. Kelly is pregnant, and just so happens to be “in charge” of the nursery wing. So knowledgeable she is in her field—nursing, mind you—that she manages to override a doctor's suggestion to perform a C-section on a mother experiencing a breeched pregnancy, by turning the baby around in utero. Then, she has the gall to explain to him how he may have had many years of extra schooling, but her lack of schooling allowed her to gain actual experience in the field, and that's why she's so good at what she does. Holy fuck, I hate her and this movie already. (I know I'm putting too much thought into it, but in no hospital would a nurse ever get away with acting like that towards a doctor making a completely logical, routine decision.)

To speed this up, babies are being stolen from local hospitals, courtesy of a Russian woman named Svetlana, who takes her (apparently) teenaged child with her during her frequent hospital runs, where she dresses like a nurse, and is allowed to walk out with any newborn of her choosing. Okay...whatever. Svetlana is part of a ring of baby stealers, who ship newborns overseas, where families pay large amounts of money for American children. Her latest one, however, turned out to be sick, and couldn't be sold, which should probably lead us to assume it was killed, but that's too dark a thought for a movie like this, so all we're informed is that she's in hot water with her boss, and has to deliver another baby to make up for the crap one she just offered them.

Good God let's cut to the chase: Of course, it turns out to be Kelly's, who went into labor shortly after the “breech” ordeal. She teams up with a woman named Gloria whose baby was stolen years ago, and who goes around offering help to mothers of stolen children, because apparently it happens with great frequency. Together, the two must get to the bottom of an intricate network that surprisingly lacks any security whatsoever, while shouting lines like, “These babies are STOLEN!” with such added emphasis on the 'stolen' that she sounds like a petulant child screaming at her mother for not getting her way.

Oh, and Doctor Lee is one of the people behind the operation, because of course Kelly's “maternal instincts” have to be correct about everything, and she can't just not like someone without them actually being a bad guy. Fuuuuuck. I hate this movie.

This is a tough movie to rate, because it's a movie that has to be seen to be believed, but not a movie that you should ever see. On one hand, there are several moments of pure unintentional brilliance, some of which were so good that we had to rewind them to make sure we actually witnessed what we thought we witnessed; I haven't experienced a movie like this in a long time. But on the other, I can't recall hating a main character with such unbridled ferocity before that those two things pretty much cancel each other out, leaving nothing but a frequently maddening movie in its wake; one where most of the characters die, except for the two you want to the most. (And I'm referring to the wife and husband, not the baby; you just hope she goes to a better family.)

STRAY OBSERVATIONS (SPOILER ALERTS) 

• After Svetlana is murdered, pay attention to how her daughter, who presumably is now going to be orphaned because her mother is all she had, is treated by both the paramedics—who say nothing to her as her dead mother's body is wheeled out—and the main characters, who literally just leave.
• Svetlana is so good at what she does, that the newborn babies never make a sound, even as they're being crammed into a duffel bag.
• Comedy gold: A scene where Gloria is driving a car, yet converses with Kelly without even looking at the road. 
• Poor Adrienne Frantz actually seems to give the role all she has. It's got to be the first instance I can recall where that somehow made me hate her character even more. 
• Can we ever have a movie where a mother can be a mother without rubbing in your face that she's a mother every five seconds? 
• If the husband had more screen time, I think I literally would have ripped my own eyes out.
• I know things like this actually happen, but hearing the way the children are described in terms of “inventory” is actually hysterical, at least in the context of incompetence like this. Try not to laugh at lines like, “They haven't loaded the babies yet!” or “The babies are not toys!” or “No, don't ever name the babies!” 
• On a serious note, Gabrielle Stone's performance as Svetlana is probably the most believable one in this whole mess, which is a shame since her character is a terrible, terrible person, and thus you hate her anyway. 
• There's a twist, but who gives a shit? 
• Adrienne Frantz released a horrible pop album in 2007. 

RATING: 1/10

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MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: Friend Request (2020)

Director: Roger M. Bobb
Writer(s): Angela Burt-Murray
Starring: Vicky Jeudy, Tosin Morohunfola, Marc Grapey, and Renelle Nicole

Holy hell, who would have seen this coming? I mean, I guess it was bound to happen at some point, coming from a studio that seems to release boatloads of movies every week, but it's still shocking: MarVista has accidentally produced a good movie! And, true to their form, they slap the most banal name on it that they could muster: Friend Request (also the name of another by-the-numbers “thriller” from 2016). Well, as usual, the “good” here is relative to other movies in their canon, as it’s still little more than a basic thriller, but it’s executed exceptionally well.

Malik is a successful lawyer who has aspirations of becoming a DA. He’s also married to his beautiful wife, Michelle, with whom they share a child, and who also has dreams of her own: she wants to open a catering business (it’s always a catering business). Things seem to be going well for the family—he’s on the fast track to getting a promotion that can put him another step closer to his ultimate goal; she gets her first catering job and blows people away—when a message comes through on Friendergram (yes, that’s what it’s really called). It’s from Rayna, Malik's high school sweetheart, who up and left him when he refused to follow her to college, and hasn't contacted him since.

Although it’s been years, Malik has never forgotten about her, and is happy to learn she will be at an upcoming reunion of some sort with her husband, as he will be with his wife. Well, a sudden catering job eliminates Michelle from the picture, at which point Rayna randomly informs him, through Friendergram, that her husband can’t make it. Left to battle his wills all alone—but feeling like he still has to go since he's receiving an award (what reunion gives out awards?)--the two pick up where their relationship left off, spending the night catching up, before he follows her to her hotel room. He apparently has every intention of leaving, but ends waking up in her hotel room the following morning, with no recollection of what went down. One thing's for certain: it ain't good.

Malik tries being honest with Rayna upfront, informing her that he wants no part of a life with her, but Rayna won’t take no for an answer, and before long, she’s firmly embedding herself into his life…any way she can (remember Michelle’s catering business…?) And before long, the consequences of his actions have far-reaching implications beyond anything he ever would have expected (remember that job promotion he’s virtually guaranteed…?) as the cunniving femme fatale knows how to play dirty...

There are some poor writing/character decisions (if he didn't plan to sleep with her, why did he go all the way to her apartment to begin with?), and many of the plot points are well-tread in similar stalking tales (especially Rayna's overly seductive behavior), but the occasional mistake is more than covered by surprisingly B+/A- list acting, and a trail of (mostly) believable twists and turns that caught us off guard more than once, leading up to an ending that refreshingly isn’t clearly foreshadowed at any point.

And while that mysterious ending isn’t great—it’s a little too clean and happy for my tastes—there’s no denying that this is one of Marvista’s finest 90 minutes, and a brief glimpse of what the studio is capable of when all of the pieces accidentally fall into place.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• This is one of MarVista's first releases of 2020, and it sets an impossibly high bar for the rest of the year. Are they finally growing up? Or have they reached their peak two weeks into the new year? Only time will tell....
• Seriously, how did they land this cast?
• They still haven't changed their trailer tactics: the one below reveals the entire movie in two-and-a-half minutes. Don't watch it if you plan on seeing it!
• This is the same writing/directing team from Holiday Heist, which we also found to be above-average. Keep it up, Bobb-Burt Murray!

RATING: 8.5/10

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Tammy and the T-Rex (Gore Cut) (2019)

Director: Stewart Rafill
Writer(s): Rafill, and Gary Brockette
Starring: Denise Richards, Paul Walker, Theo Forsette, and Terry Kiser

There are idiotic movies, and then there are movies like Tammy and the T-Rex, which was reviled upon its release as a “family-friendly” PG-13 movie in 1994, but has just been re-released in an uncut R-rated version that adds quite a bit of gore (and is, in fact, referred to as the “gore cut”.). Actually, in an interesting side note to the tastes of particular regions, it stayed in its uncut version in other countries (most notably Italy), while U.S. executives thought the best way to peddle the movie was to strip it of virtually all of its violence in order to appeal to the masses (cue facepalm). I've never seen the PG-13 cut (though I intend to), but the uncut Tammy is a dazzlingly laughable movie that's completely in on its own joke, and the end result is, despite its one-joke premise, consistently hilarious and damn-near brilliant.

Denise Richards is the titular Tammy, a popular high school girl who falls for Paul Walker's Michael. However, her ex-boyfriend—bad boy Billy (why are all bad boys named Billy?)--isn't willing to let her go so easily. One night, Billy and his goons catch Michael with Tammy, and end up entrapping him in an open-air safari (?) where they beat him and leave him to be mauled by a lion (??).

Meanwhile, a scientist who has created a working, full-scale replica of a tyrannosaurus, is disgusted at the idea that it must be controlled remotely, and longs for a way to give it a life of its own. He, along with his trusty assistant Helga, decide the best way to do that would be to give it a human brain! The evil duo end up hovering around a local hospital to find suitable candidates, where he stumbles upon Michael, who is barely clinging to life. They feign his death so that they can steal his brain (in a rather impressive and graphic sequence; it's also the point Michael's "feigned" death becomes real), and transplant it into the head of the T-rex. Lo and behold, it works! But, much to the chagrin of the mad scientist, Michael the T-Rex has only two things on his mind: continuing his relationship with Tammy, and getting revenge on those responsible for his horrific state.

Denise Richards is a perfect Tammy, Paul Walker is appropriately Paul Walker as the popular jock, and Theo Forsett stands out as Tammy's gay best friend Byron. Speaking of which, was it common to have such an over-the-top gay character in 1994? And one that was black? Those are actual sincere questions, because characters like that are so commonplace today, but homosexuals weren't as well regarded as they were back then...in fact, this was still during the whole HIV/AIDS scare that was casting gay men in a negative light. Sure, his character covers the stereotypes of being both black and gay, but his character is well-liked by everyone, and he's otherwise never treated as the “token”. The movie feels almost revelatory in that regard; his character should feel even more at home now than he did in the '20s.

As you can probably tell by now, this is one of those things that you're either going to love, or hate; you can even probably already tell just from that synopsis which category you're going to fit in. It's basically just a one-joke premise, combining teen rom-coms with Jurassic Park (in fact, the dinosaur is supposedly an actual model used during the filming of that movie, and the movie was written entirely around it), but thanks to a dedicated cast , intentionally ham-fisted acting (that legitimately makes it feel like a family film) as well as a meager run-time (90 minutes, which includes the roughly 10 minutes of gore footage excised from the original cut), it never overstays its welcome.

And even though the added violence is rather strong, none of it is disturbing, given the overall silly tone of everything that surrounds it. It would have been interesting to see just how its legacy would have fared here in the U.S. had they opted to release it in this original cut back in '94, rather than watering it down for mass consumption—it certainly couldn't have been forgotten any quicker than the PG-13 cut was—but at least those of us in the U.S. can finally see it the way it was meant to be seen. In this iteration, Tammy and the T-Rex is an entertaining, incredibly moronic yet self-aware film that's a strong reminder even stupid movies can be not just genuinely entertaining, but genuinely good. In the most ridiculous way possible.

RATING: 8.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas in Mississippi (2017)

Director: Emily Moss Wilson
Writer(s): Marcy Holland
Starring: Jana Kramer, Wes Brown, Faith Ford, and Trace Masters

I was just thinking about how this holiday season has been pretty good to us in terms of movie selection—Christmas Coupon notwithstanding—and so of course it was time to run into one that tests the limits of human patience like Christmas in Mississippi.

In this one, a photographer named Holly (Jana Kramer) goes back to her hometown for Christmas, several years after a horrific storm demolished most of it. She volunteers to help out with the town’s annual Christmas light show—the first time they will be doing it since that terrible hurricane. However, she has second thoughts when she learns her high school boyfriend is running the show…typical hijinx ensues. Oh, and this stupid bitch is also randomly looking for the owner of a stuffed reindeer she finds on a street, a plot point that is frequently forgotten about, at least by the audience, who will have a hard enough time handling the rest. Besides, who in the hell would care to find the owner of a random crusty-ass toy that they found in the middle of a busy street?!

This one blows, thanks to incredibly stupid characters who go around assuming everything (at one point, Holly nearly breaks apart a relationship because she completely makes up a story surrounding an innocent event); an annoying mom character (Faith Ford!) who tries hooking up her own daughter, yet is somehow completely oblivious to the fact a man from town (Richard Karn!) likes her; and an annoying kid character who can’t act, and is unfortunately a big part of the stupid story (“Oh, look how great Mike is for taking care of his brother’s child while he’s serving in the military!”). I mean seriously, I wanted to punch the kid in the face and throw him off a roof every time he appeared on screen.

It also commits the most foul of all offenses, at least as far as I’m concerned: I can’t stand it when they jam the perfection of the main character down your throat so far that you virtually choke, just so you understand how “special” and “selfless” they are. For example, when characters volunteer at soup kitchens, or help an elderly woman across the street, or visit sick kids at a hospital. Here, they do that with both characters, cramming all of their accomplishments and selflessness in your face every chance they get, as if the filmmakers couldn’t find any other way to naturally present two good-hearted people without rubbing your face in it. It's never cute: it's positively gag-inducing.

I gotta admit, Jana Kramer grew on me as the movie went on—she has a warm, attractive smile, and is the best actor in this whole mess—but her character was so stupidly written that I just couldn’t like her at all. This movie puts the “miss” in “Mississippi”, that’s for sure.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Wow, how romantic these two are, lugging the dumbass kid with them everywhere so he can ruin everyone’s mood.
• How is it so hard for actors to pretend to take drinks out of cups, or for propmasters to fill a cup with liquid? Pay close attention to cups in any of these movies, because usually they’re either empty, or characters won’t even accurately go through proper drinking motions.
• Also, dig that “milkshake” Mike makes for Holly, which literally comes out looking like chocolate milk. WHO’S IN CHARGE OF THESE GODDAMNED LIQUIDS ON SET?!
• Those are some depressing-ass photos to fill up a family diner with.
• Wow, Holly's a moron. Who agrees to hang out with someone the day they know they’re leaving, just to spare someone’s feelings? And if she cares about him so much, why didn’t she tell him the moment she found out?
• So glad you moved two tables out of the way so you could slow-dance in the same two-fucking-foot area.

OVERALL: 2.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Cupid's Arrow (aka The Christmas Cupid) (2018)

Director: Michael D. Sellers
Writer(s): Brian Marchetti, Jack Marchetti, and Jamie R. Thompson
Starring: Elisabeth Harnois, Jonathan Togo, Chad Michael Collins, and Sasha Jackson

Well shit, isn't that a goddamned stupid title? What the hell does it even mean? Now that I've sat down and watched the entire movie, I can tell you that...I still have no idea. Especially considering the alternate title is the much more sensical A Christmas Cupid—why not just stick to that one?

Anyway, assuming you can get past the horrible first ten minutes, and then get past the horribly half-baked plot, this one is actually fairly enjoyable. Resident Christmas movie actress, and former child star Elisabeth Harnois is once again the lead here, playing a college professor named Holly (how original!) who is looking for love. So, of course, her friend signs her up for an online dating service, where she meets a good-looking man who also happens to be a complete moron. Lacking the words necessary to appeal to the scholarly woman (and also ignoring the fact that, even aside from that, they have no chemistry together whatsoever), he enlists the help of his ol' college buddy David—who's a writer with a dead wife and young child—to help him find the words that will help him get in her pants.

But the “twist” here is that David is falling for Holly himself, being paired up with her to help design the company's winter formal dance...and he has no idea that Holly is the woman he's writing love poems to on behalf of his douchy friend! Wow these plots just keep getting worse and worse...

Anyway, this one is a "winner" (in the loosest sense of the term) thanks to the cast, who are all uniformly solid in career-destroying roles. Sasha Jackson is adorably hilarious as Holly's right-hand woman, Emily, delivering perfectly-timed zingers and elevating her character to a level that few holiday supporting actresses can match. Seriously, she's damn near brilliant, and singlehandedly makes this movie way more enjoyable than it should be in every scene she's in.

Jonathan Togo is likable as “the man behind the words”...although he does sometimes go a little bit overboard in later scenes, delivering his lines with an intensity more fit for a real movie, rather than one of these half-baked holiday turds. Ms. Harnois, being a seasoned vet, seems to have this whole Christmas movie acting thing down pat, and proves to be a reliable leading lady.

As the saying goes, you can't polish a turd, and Christmas Cupid's Arrow is still one of those thanks to its ignorant title, and equally stupid plot, that would have been an utter disaster with a different cast. But these are people you wouldn't mind spending a little bit of time with—and 90 minutes is the perfect length to ensure that, unlike your family, they don't stick around and completely overstay their welcome.

STRAY OBSERVATION 

• I must say this has one of the more believable “this guy that I think is great is actually a complete douchebag and I should probably break up with him” reveals of any generic holiday movie I've ever seen.

RATING: 5.5/10

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