Christmas in the Wilds (2021)

Director: Justin G. Dyck

Writer(s): Neal Kimmel
Starring: Kaitlyn Leeb, Laura Vandervoort, Victor Zinck Jr., Melinda Shankar

Well, well, well, I should have known I would end up jinxing us: After mentioning how many Christmas movies were above average this year, we started running into a couple snags. And that streak continues with Christmas in the Wilds, an adventure movie without action, and a romance movie without any actual romance.

Imagine Mr. Magoo trying to direct a movie, and that’s about what you end up with here: It’s a bumbling mess of a movie that tries to do too much and ends up accomplishing nothing. There’s not much in the way of humor, leaving the whole atmosphere just feeling dry and lifeless, kind of like the male lead. By the midway point, my wife turned to me and asked, “Are we supposed to be cheering for these people?” which is an excellent question that I had no idea how to accurately answer; a question that gets even harder to fathom by the end.

All this failure is a double-shame, considering it stars the usually-reliable Kaitlyn Leeb as Jessica, a woman who is going to meet her boyfriend’s family for the first time. Well, of course it’s not his entire family, because his father passed away. You see, having a relative be dead is the perfect way to avoid having to come up with any sort of heart-tugging backstory; death = automatic sadness. It's a shortcut these writers seem to fall back on with more and more frequency every year.

Anyway, her boyfriend is Buck, a man just about as unattractive as Leeb is stunning, which already gets things off on the wrong foot. He is a forest ranger, and one who’s known far and wide for his bravery and know-how. He’s also a pilot, because why not? Oh, and another thing you should know: his ex-girlfriend, Meg, is a former colleague, also because why not? AND he never told Jessica about working so close to his ex-colleague. Because...you guessed it: why not?

Even though Christmas plays a minor role in this garbage, our story actually starts around Thanksgiving, when Buck receives word, from Meg no less, that a huge storm is threatening their area, and they could use an extra set of hands to help with potential injuries. He assures Jessica it will only be temporary, and then leaves her there alone with his family, despite the fact his mom isn't really feeling her.

“A few days” turns into “a few more days”, which turns into “a couple weeks”, which turns into "a month". It’s now Christmas Eve: Buck finally starts to head home to Jessica, but needs to refuel his plane, and conveniently the roads are shut down from a terrible storm, even though the weather in every scene is mild, at best. At first, the two would-be lovers plan on seeing each other on New Years instead…until Jessica gets a wild idea: Instead of waiting for him to come home, why doesn’t she go to meet him instead? Buck likes the idea, and agrees to meet her halfway via snowmobile, taking his ex-girlfriend with him as a guide, in a decision that’s one of many that will leave you questioning whether the writers were concussed, or sniffing inhalants during the writing process. 

Halfway to the halfway point (?) of her journey, Jessica loses control of her Jeep on an icy patch, getting it stuck in a snowbank off the side of the road. Unable to get it out, she stumbles on the house of a black man dressed as Santa Claus, who is getting ready for the town’s Christmas parade (?). His truck is being worked on, so he’s unable to offer her a ride, but what he does happen to have are sled dogs. Yes, for real. And even more insane: He lets her “borrow” them without so much as a second thought, and without even testing her abilities to control them.

So Jessica sets out with the man’s sled dogs to make the remainder of the trek to Buck’s location. She finally tracks them down, just in time to see them getting cozy together next to a fire, which starts the obligatory argument between the two. Buck assures her nothing has happened between them, and finally gets her to trust him…just as one of the sled dogs gets its leg stuck in an old fox trap. That’ll teach Black Santa to hand his dogs out to any rando who asks to borrow them next time!

Buck suggests that the three of them head to the cabin together, probably hoping for a threesome, but that idea is quashed by Jessica, who exclaims “She’s coming with us?!” Thankfully, the would-be homewrecker senses she’s not wanted, and offers to head back to the base, taking the wounded sled dog with her to get it some much-needed treatment.

And we’re supposed to be cheering for this stupid primate, who is too ignorant to realize that inviting his ex-girlfriend to what was supposed to be an intimate one-on-one getaway to a cozy cottage with his current girlfriend, is a big no-no? And, even more unforgivable, Jessica not only tolerates this behavior, but is still somehow enamored with him? Holy mother of fuck. 

Unfortunately the trek isn’t quite over yet: The only way to get to the cabin is to cross a treacherous, raging creek. Somehow, the 100 pound woman has no issues crossing, but the large gorilla man gets swept away by the current, finally managing to pull himself out of the freezing-cold water several hundred feet downstream. Jessica helps him get out, where he tosses his wet and freezing clothes away, and then they finally make it to the cabin where he’s able to warm up, and put on the ugliest, most ill-fitting fucking pajamas imaginable. 

A reminder: This isn't some couple who's been together for years and have a deep, undying love for each other: This is a couple that has only been together for “a few” months. Essentially, these are just two people who barely know each other, going through more than most married couples would do, just to give each other the most unromantic peck on the lips in movie history at the end. 

I think this is all supposed to show the great lengths two lovers will go to reunite, even in the face of danger, but it's closer in appearance to "the lengths two highly desperate people will go to just to have something to live for." There's not one moment of one scene anywhere that's even borderline romantic: I think Buck would fuck his job before he would get intimate with Jessica, as that's all the hideous beast will talk about the entire time. It's like fate is a magnet that 

I rate these haphazard movies on an “entertainment rating” scale, which is different from the ratings I give to “normal” movies. Usually, a movie like this - where one unconvincing thing happens right after another - would score relatively high, because watching a mess like that is the very definition of entertaining. But this one just…isn’t. Kaitlyn Leeb is always cute in whatever role she’s in, but aside from being likable, she still comes off as a complete moron. Who’s going to go to these great lengths just to see some unattractive baboon after six months of dating? 

If you like watching love stories totally devoid of any emotion whatsoever, and enjoy movies where you cheer against seeing the two leads getting together - even though you know they will - you might enjoy this one. However, I’m in both camps, and this was still a raging waste of my time. 

Fuck. 

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• How in the fuck does Buck keep the meteorite rock that Jessica gives him, which he then eventually proposes with? It’s in the pocket of his coat, which gets soaked in water after he falls in, and that he removes outside in a bid to stay warm. Or maybe it was in his backpack, which gets swept away by a current and is never recovered. Then, he somehow has it in the pocket of the ugly pajamas he puts on. Great awareness saving that fucking worthless rock.
• I didn’t even touch on Buck’s PTSD from fighting in the war, which crops up when Meg starts a snowmobile (something he equates with bombs going off even though he rode one himself earlier), and the howling of wolves (which would remind him of…what, the whistling sound of incoming bombs? I don’t fucking know.)
• Astonishingly, this is a sequel to Romance in the Wilds, in which the same two leads play the same characters, only they get stuck in a forest wildfire. I’m sure there’s plenty of “romance” to go around in that one, too.
• I also haven’t mentioned Roma, a girl apparently named after a tomato, which is Buck’s sister, and whom Jessica entrusts to watch her dog despite Roma’s aversion to dogs. She even gets a sidestory, in which she searches for her one true love: A soldier who went MIA in Afghanistan.
• I'm still at a loss for words how Justin G. Dyck goes from directing several sappy love-fests, to directing the solid horror film Anything for Jackson, and then immediately goes back to directing another series of these insipid gag-fests. That guy clearly has some talent, and it's being squandered on this junk. 

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 1/10

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