Director: Lucie Guest
Writer(s): Casie Tabanou and Alison Spuck McNeeley
Starring: Stephanie Bennett, Marco Grazzini, Brent Stait and Colleen Wheeler
It had been a while since a holiday movie got our blood boiling; in fact, you'd have to go back to last year to find one. Usually, it's all-too-common an occurrence for us, when plotlines become almost unbearably ridiculous, or characters become too annoying in their quest to find true love. And while these movies always toe that thin line, none that we've seen this year have crossed that line.
And then came Lonestar Christmas, which is a movie about an irredeemably annoying woman who falls in love with a man that is clearly too good for her.
She is the worst type of person, one that constantly harps on how independent she is, while simultaneously explaining to anyone who will listen about how she’s a single mom raising two kids, because her husband had the gall to go and die on her. Well, she doesn't mention that last part to everyone, but that's what happened.
The woman is Erin. She makes it pretty clear that she doesn’t “need” a man, but of course by the end of the movie she ends up with one anyway. Our story starts when the idiotic heroine straps Christmas presents to the top of her car (?) despite clearly having enough space to fit them inside (Also, why is she bringing so many presents to the house of a man she despises?). It should come as a surprise to no one that the gifts fall off, littering the street with wrapped goodies…and that is when Mateo comes in.
He’s a handsome young man, who owns a tamale shop in his small town that’s widely revered as the best one in the entire state. He happens to be the one to stumble on Erin’s crime scene of presents, and offers to help. Of course, being the “strong” “independent” woman that she is, she initially resists…before realizing that she actually does need some help after all. He helps her load them up, and follows her to her father’s house…where we discover that him and the father, Gary, are good friends.
But Erin doesn’t share that vision of her own father. You see, she harbors some deep resentment towards him for reasons that - at this point - are completely unclear. But whatever it is, it must be a pretty big deal, considering it took a lot of convincing to get her to agree to a visit in the first place. It was only seeing the excited look on her kids’ faces, who have no doubt been deprived of seeing their “Grandee” (which is apparently a stupid term for “Grandpa” that I have heard nowhere else) over a long period of time, that got her to cave.
So what is this terrible crime that he’s guilty of? Murdering her mother? Molesting her as a small child? Punching a handicapped child in the face? I mean, judging from the cold-hearted way she treats him, it has to be something like that. Nope…not being around enough when she was a kid, because he was busy going to school and working a full time job to help support his family. Yes, that’s it. It’s hinted at around the midway point of the movie, which leads you to think there’s more to the story…but there’s not. What’s even more frustrating: She’s planning on doing the exact same fucking thing! Good God.
Sure, not having your grandfather around would be tough, especially for a younger child. But once you grew up, wouldn’t you understand their sacrifice? Apparently not this sack of shit, who spends the entire movie avoiding discussions with her father, and scoffing at anyone who likes the genuinely nice guy.
These scenes are somewhat heartbreaking, because the guy clearly regrets not being there for her. There's even a scene where Erin walks away, scoffing at his latest attempt at redemption, while he stands there with a shattered look on his face, as if he's about to cry. And even despite her hard-headedness, he clearly harbors no hard feelings towards her, which makes Erin’s reluctance to see that so great, that you want to just punch her in the face. Honestly, nothing else in the movie even matters: Her romance with Mateo is just a sidebar to the elephant in the room, which is the terrible relationship with her father that's pretty much entirely her fault.
I’ll admit that my wife and I missed the final 15 or so minutes, because we were…busy doing other things, and we definitely didn’t feel even the slightest need to go back and see what we missed. I’m sure we can fill in the blanks: Somehow she sees what an irredeemable piece of garbage she was, and finally accepts her father's apologies, while getting a man who could do so much better.
This is one of those Christmas movies where no one gets what they deserve.
ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10
TRAILER
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