Christmas Capsules: A California Christmas (2020)

Director: Shaun Piccinino
Writer: Lauren Swickard
Starring: Lauren Swickard, Josh Swickard, Ali Afshar, and David Del Rio

This one is yet another tired entry into the “save the family farm” trope, but this one takes things to such ridiculous extremes that it can be difficult to watch at times. However, it’s (partially) saved by the two leads (spouses in real life), who deliver tour-de-force performances…at least, as far as cheesy holiday romances are concerned.

Josh Swickard is Joseph, a very attractive man who clearly has no trouble with the ladies. He works for his overbearing mother (surprise!), buying up land from people to---one can only presume—turn them into casinos, or resorts, or some other lofty venture. His latest task is to secure the land owned by Callie and her family, in exchange for some cold, hard cash. Now, in reality, this would probably be a very mutually beneficial situation: Callie’s family farm is wracked with debt, her fiancé and father died in the same car crash, and her mother is (voluntarily) dying of cancer—I’d say that would be the perfect time to just say “fuck it” and move on from the family business.

But good ol’ Callie (Lauren Swickard) is an “all-American” girl, and she’d rather join everyone else around her in death before she gives in to the greed of some land developer looking to make a few bucks at her expense, no matter how desperately she could actually use it.

Through a weird series of events, Callie confuses the all-white Joseph for Manny, a ranch hand who is supposed to start working on their farm. Joseph clearly has never worked manual labor a single day in his life, but Callie doesn’t really seem to notice, as she informs him that some “suit” is supposed to visit her to make her family an offer on the farm. Sensing her hostility, Joseph decides it’s best to just continue to pretend he’s someone he’s not, in order to eventually get what he thinks he wants (to get her to sell the land), but then realizes that it isn’t at all what he wants.

This trope-a-thon throws every sad cliché it possibly can toward the viewer, and it makes for a rather frustrating experience. While Callie is clearly made to look like the “tough family leader”, there just comes a point where you have to throw in the towel for her and tell her to move on. I get that she has “pride” in the farm, but when even your own (dying, may we remind you) mother is on-board with selling it, maybe it’s time to just take a little hint. Sure, it was once the family business, but times change—certainly your dead family members would realize that, and want you to be happy above living in poverty just to continue the family tradition.

Beyond the palpable yearning of the leads, the movie also finds some footing in the relationship between Joseph’s assistant, and the real Manny (who of course the assistant happens to stumble on, because the towns in these movies are so small that only the cast can fit in them). At first, it becomes merely a business proposition: the assistant pays Manny $3,000 to keep his mouth shut, and to not report to work, something he has little problem with. But despite making us believe the story is going to go one way (that Manny will continue to blackmail them to keep getting what he wants), it settles down; the assistant, who basically lives with him for the week, and the Americanized Mexican man become good friends. Their relationship is pretty familiar, thanks to lazy writing, but the cast helps elevate it into another bright point for a movie that sorely needs them.

In the end, this is a promising movie that is undone by the “throw everything and hope it sticks” method that was apparently undertaken by the filmmakers. However, some of it does manage to stick, and that - along with the outstanding lead performances (especially Lauren Swickard, as Callie) - are what elevate this above some similar fare. However slightly.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Beyond the tropes listed above, there’s also a kid involved, my least favorite of all tropes. Her character isn’t all that annoying, but she still feels pointless by default, the way kids usually are.
• Of course Callie’s dead fiance’s best friend—who wants desperately to court her now that his friend is out of the picture—is the one who pieces everything together, leading to the obligatory, completely misguided, fight.
• This one might set a record for “most interrupted attempts to tell a person the truth”, as Joseph tries three times to reveal his true identity to Callie, only to get cold feet each time.
• They bang! It’s amazing to me how many Christmas movies just want to be so “wholesome” that they neglect the inclusion of the most romantic, passionate act two lovers can engage in. (Although the fact they're married in real life also probably helped.)
• The strongest part of the movie is also its weakest link: Lauren Swickard (who, for the third time, plays Callie) also wrote the shitty script! Come on, Lauren! Next time write a story that matches your performance!

RATING: 5/10

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Christmas Capsules: A Beauty and the Beast Christmas (2019)

Director: Dylan Vox
Writer: Scotty Mullen
Starring: Leah Pipes, Donna Mills, Ryan Kelley, and Rob Raco

The Asylum is a production company that’s generally the horror equivalent to MarVista—actually, they may be even worse. While most MarVista movies are bland retreads of popular plotlines, they’re at least more or less ripping off their own stale formula; The Asylum tends to take their ripping off to a whole ‘nother level, frequently making movies with titles and box art that are very similar to popular blockbusters, at least partly in the hopes that unknowing people may stumble on their version instead of the real one and—settle for it, for some reason? I don’t know, doesn’t seem to be a very sound business model, but it’s suiting them well, so what do I know? (Supposedly they’ve never lost as much as a dime on a release) (As an example: Fast and Fierce, a movie featuring fast sports cars, is a current release, as is Battle Star Wars a film that has nothing to do with the wildly popular sci-fi franchise).

Well now they jump on another trend: the Christmas movie. I guess that’s actually kind of a good idea, because Christmas movies already suck, and “sucking” seems to be their entire mantra. They’ve made an entire company out of churning out uninspired, Z-grade schlock; since that describes many movies churned out during the holidays, then maybe it’s a better fit than it would initially seem to be on paper?

Well it isn’t…and it is; this is one of those movies that will remind you why you fell in love (ironically, of course) with holiday romance flicks to begin with. Actually, it probably won’t: if you actually watch these because you enjoy the love stories in them, chances are this one is sorely going to disappoint. The leads lack chemistry together, the writing and direction are wooden, the storyline is awful (and only weakly alludes to the title), and Leah Pipes’ sole method for dealing with every issue that arises seems to be to pout like a spoiled 7-year-old-brat. It’s pure, unadulterated crap from virtually every angle.

But—and perhaps it’s merely the spirit of Christmas infecting me—there’s just something inherently…enjoyable about it all. The jokes are frequently off-color and actually funny, the actors themselves seem to be having a good time (and deliver mostly good performances), and the atmosphere is imbued with a sense of freewheeling fun. It does go off the rail at times, and not all of the jokes land, but we found ourselves genuinely laughing out loud on several occasions.

I don’t want to bore you with the details, but I probably should: Pipes is Ginger Holiday, a social media influencer (that’s become the new go-to job in these movies, replacing “ad exec”) who lives and breathes Christmas every single day of the year. When her follower count starts plummeting as a direct result of a facial rash that won’t go away, Ginger finds that her endorsement stature with a popular global cosmetics brand is in immediate danger. To salvage her career, her grimy agent needs to act fast—and figures the best way to right the ship is to have the holiday queen “fall for someone who’s the complete opposite.

And that opposite is Beau Bradley, an aging skateboarding influencer who also is in need of a career boost. Can the two of them successfully use each other to get what they want, without true love getting in the way? Of course not.

The intro is over-the-top, but Pipes hits all the right notes (pun intended), perfectly encapsulating the ridiculousness of the idea to begin with; the results are surprisingly funny, and set a positive mood for the remainder to come. This is literally a woman whose entire being is indebted to a titular holiday; refreshingly, even though she’s a popular star because of her Christmas-themed videos, her actual love of the holiday is genuine.

Also perfect: Rob Raco as Derek, her shady agent. Really, he’s just a stereotypical sleazeball but, for the most part, seems to mean well (at least until a rather idiotic twist near the end). He strikes that tough balance between being a complete douchebag, and being a likeable guy, consistently landing somewhere in between. He also has good comedic timing and consistency, making him far funnier and more engaging than he probably should be.

I mean, really, this is an awful movie: the two leads fluctuate wildly between liking and hating each other; there is no chemistry between them; the writing is abysmal; the entire plot is godawful and bears little resemblance to the source material; and Ryan Kelley is pretty wooden as Beau. Yet, despite all those knocks, there's something that's just...entertaining about all of it. Sure, most of these cheesy holiday romps are "entertaining", the way watching old people fall down, or get hit by cars, is entertaining. But this one somehow manages to be entertaining in all the right ways: the atmosphere is upbeat and positive, the characters are likable (at least, in their own ways), and there are some genuine laughs to be had. 

You also get the feeling that the creators are in on their own joke; nothing feels like it should be taken seriously at all.  That at least helps cancel out some of the downfalls (the terrible plot idea, for one), though the writing is still abysmally bad no matter how you cut it.

If you're one of those old-fashioned people looking for a cutesy holiday romance to get you into the Christmas spirit, this one ain't for you. But if you're a millennial looking for a trash holiday movie that's funny, entertaining, and terrible, then your search ends here.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• I have very limited experience in the matter, but this may be one of The Asylum's best movies.
• Ginger's black friend is funny. Black friends are always funny.
• The two leads' lack of chemistry is almost endearing on its own.
• Of course Ginger's mom is a supermodel still stuck in her former glory. She's funny, but also a little too stereotypical.

RATING: 6/10

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(only available on Facebook, for some reason.)

Christmas Capsules: Alone for Christmas (2013)

Director: Joseph J. Lawson
Writers: Nancy Leopardi, from a story by Naomi L. Selfman
Starring: David DeLuise, Kim Little, Davis Cleveland, and Gerald Webb

We must be in much better moods than usual this holiday season; although some of the movies we’ve seen have really sucked, there weren’t many (if any at all) that we truly hated. I mean, our relationship with these cheesy holiday flicks are pretty fickle: all it takes is one bad character, one forced plot twist, one obligatory argument started for a stupid reason, to take an otherwise enjoyable movie into “frustrating” territory.

I will freely admit that I picked this movie for one reason, and one reason only: I knew it would bomb. (Well, that, and to get a little break from the romance movies that permeate the atmosphere this time of year.) I mean, an homage (read: rip-off) of Home Alone, only with Macauley Culkin’s character replaced by a dog? There’s just no way possible that can’t be atrocious. Add to it the dad from “Wizards of Waverly Place” (a show my wife and I actually enjoyed, mostly without irony, during its run years ago), as well as the fact that this is a production of The Asylum, and that leaves you a recipe for catastrophic failure. 

It is, but most of it is enjoyably so: it’s not until the actual “defending the house” plotline starts that it veers off into “irredeemably bad” territory, with Bones the dog using everything at his disposal to rid his family’s large house of three bumbling would-be burglars. This is a combination of awkwardly bad special effects, a serious lack of comedic timing, and a rather startling level of violence (I wasn’t expecting a character to land face first onto a grill).

David DeLuise, the aforementioned dad from Waverly Place, plays a character known only as “Dad”, which really goes to show you the level of detail the writers paid to the story. He and his perfect family—which consists of the ideal combination of wife, husband, son, and daughter—are going on a trip to their grandparents’ house for the holidays. However, they are only able to take one of their two dogs with them on the trip, a notion that’s actually ass backwards (I feel like most families would either take both or none); so poor old Bone gets stuck going to the kennel.

In a scene that goes on for way too long, Dad has some reservations about the place, but the weird owner reassures him that he’s been doing this for a long time and will take good care of the dog while they are away. Reluctantly, Dad agrees—but before you know it, Bone breaks free and returns home after catching wind that some robbers might be targeting their house. Christ, whatever. The usual hijinx ensue, including lots of cartoon violence and overly inept criminals that frequently cross the line into unfunny territory.

It’s not without its plusses, though: Jonathan Nation as Anthony, the kennel owner, is genuinely hilarious in the role; so too is--and I’m not making this up--Kevin Sorbo, who clearly was in this just for the check (his character just up and leaves midway through for no reason), but still delivers a performance that’s way better than the material deserves. Once he leaves, the movie’s all pretty much downhill from there.

The end results are about what you’d expect, but despite a decent beginning, the knocks against it quickly start to accumulate: the effects are some of the worst I’ve ever seen (see: the scene where the family SUV backs into something, complete with computer-generated broken glass…despite the car not even touching what it was supposed to crash into), the writing is beyond inept, and the “twist” ending is so illogical that you’ll probably be screaming at the television set. I also hated the voice of the family’s other dog, Cleveland (cute name, though), who frantically tries getting home in time to give Bone a hand. He’s got a couple funny lines, but ultimately he’s an unnecessary side character that distracts from the overall story.

And the scenes of Bone defending the house are so poorly done that they defy logic. I'm even setting aside the idea that he's a dog that somehow manages to not only remember where a bunch of household items are, but also manages to grab them using just his paws (and without making a single bit of mess). I mean, I guess you kind of have to give it that pass, or else you wouldn't have much of a movie. My problem with all of it is that, like most of the jokes, there's no setup to the "punchline"...it just happens.

In Home Alone, you had a kid who slowly realized what was happening, and then sprung into action to defend his home. It isn't believable in the slightest, but of course it isn't really meant to be. Yet, it almost feels believable because of the way Kevin uses random everyday items to destroy the bumbling crooks; the traps feel like they were set up in a way a child of his age would think. In Alone for Christmas, there's no set-up to the defending of the home whatsoever: Bone finally makes it home shortly before the thieves make it there, and then just starts setting up random traps, which of course, the thieves all manage to hit, often with little to no coersion.

But beyond this instantaneous, ungratifying setup is yet another layer to why it doesn't work: the traps aren't really set up in a way befitting a dog. It would have been much..."cooler" (for lack of a better term) if the traps felt like they were actually conceived from the mind of a dog; instead, many of them are ripped off right from Home Alone. It's terrible, and the movie loses all of its remaining grip once these scenes start.

The leader of the thieves is actually pretty decent, and deserves to be in a better movie; the others, not so much. They're just your standard moronic young burglars who overact at everything and get their laughs out of saying stupid things and acting as dumb as possible. Yeah yeah, it's a low-budget movie marketed toward kids, so it's not all that surprising, but that fact doesn't make me hate it any less.

If you were planning on streaming this (and, let's be frank here: you weren't), then I'll make it easy for you: don't. There's nothing here for you. Even if you have kids, I'm sure you can find something that will hold their attention for longer, and that won't give you an intense headache from the stupidity of it all.

OVERALL: 3.5/10

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• In an odd marketing decision, the dog on the front cover isn't even the one who defends the home from invaders.
• This is the reason Asylum movies have such a bad rep.
• The "mouth moving" effects on the dogs are actually pretty good for a trash movie.

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Cupcakes (2018)

Director: Dylan Pierce

Writer: Neil Chase, Nathan Usher

Starring: Cindy Busby, Erin Karpluk, Corey Loranger, and Fulvio Cecere

Christmas Cupcakes is the kind of Christmas movie that will appeal to the no doubt growing number of people that are either disgusted, or becoming so, at all the millions of holiday romances that come out every year. I mean, it started off modestly, with Lifetime and Hallmark being the main purveyors of that junk, but now it seems like every channel (and streaming services like Netflix) are jumping on the bandwagon—I feel like it’s becoming a bigger market than cocaine. And I guess it makes sense: People can’t seem to get their fill of them, while others are simply overstuffed on watching the same five stories play out over and over again.

But Christmas Cupcakes is different. Oh, there’s the haphazard story that seems like it was written and finalized in under three hours, and there’s also the occasional appearance of romance, just so it “fits” in with the genre, so all the typical earmarks of a holiday romance are here…there’s just no romance. It’s almost like the filmmakers wanted to tell their own story of a family struggling to maintain their bakery, kept getting their pitch denied, so they threw in a few Christmas references and a kiss, called it a Christmas movie…bingo! Instant greenlight!

For many, this idea will probably fall flat; it probably would have for me if it didn’t bring with it a certain sense of nolstalgia. You see, my wife and I watched dozens of Food Network shows while we were dating, and while we ran the gamut from cooking shows, to Guy Fieri’s latest adventure, we probably spent the most time on baking competitions. The aesthetic of the competition scenes are stellar for a (presumably) low-budget flick, as they get everything down from the lighting, camera angles, and even the cheesy jokes. (Unfortunately, that attention doesn't really translate well to the actual competition, which is completely devoid of any drama and doesn't even show any of the other contestants, outside the two main rivals.)

The Remo family is in a tough place: following the untimely death of the family patriarch, who also ran the bakery, sisters Kim and Gina are forced to decide whether to sell it, or continue its tradition. For maximum dramatic value, Gina is hesitant to take it over, because she has a well-paying job that she completely despises—all it takes is a bad day at work (and it seems all of them are) to convince her to give it a shot. But of course, it's not because she wants to, it's just because it's her best option.

While Kim has the drive to keep everyone together, she lacks the baking skills of her late uncle; that’s where Gina steps in. While she clearly isn't really all that into it, baking comes naturally to her, something that Kim somewhat resents. For her part, Gina resents the idea that Kim was always the “successful” one, while she was always seen as a failure and/or outcast (nothing like siblings bonding over perceived failures!). 

Then they learn of the “Grand Prix Dessert Challenge”, or something along those lines, which is a baking competition that awards the winner an astonishing $150,000 grand prize. Why, that’s almost exactly how far behind they are on payments for their bakery! Although Gina is once again reluctant to partake, she’s nudged ahead when she discovers that Kim went ahead and signed them up anyway, in a rather douche move. I hope they won't have a big fight that could threaten to derail their chances to win the dessert competition, thus giving them enough money to save the day and live happily ever after! Nah, I doubt that will happen, given their completely opposite demeanors.

Even outside of the overly clichéd “save the family bakery” story, there’s some good stuff here. The characters, for the most part, are solid, and there’s some pretty good interplay and (family) chemistry between them—it really feels like they could actually be related. Fulvio Cecere is perfect as the stereotypical Italian uncle, and provides some solid laughs. And of course, the performances are all heightened by the appearance of Cindy Busby, who is either adept at making poorly-written characters believable, or is just really good about selecting which holiday projects she pursues (no offense to her, but I’m thinking it’s the former).

Her character is actually an almost complete piece of shit, throwing temper tantrums when things don’t go her way, buckling at the first sight of pressure, and storming off over the stupidest little things. I could see where people would hate her, but things like that are the fault of the writers—she’s merely doing what she was hired to do--and she does it about as well as anyone else could do. There aren't too many other actresses I can think of that can almost guarantee a decent holiday movie, but she is certainly one of them.

The guy isn't really even worth mentioning, because he's in it more as a "rival" than a love interest. It's kind of a shame, because he's good-looking enough and also appears to be a decent actor, but there aren't really any sparks or chemistry between them. I'm honestly not sure if it's because they're in romance scenes so little, so their relationship isn't given enough screen time to "grow", or if it's just because they literally don't have the slightest bit of attraction to one another; either way, it will be a disappointment to the old-fashioned crowd that what little romance there is, is marred by two people who really don't seem to care about each other in the slightest.

In the end, if you're one of the few that like your cheesy holiday romances largely "romance free", (and a bonus if you're into televised baking competitions) Christmas Cupcakes is a great way to kill some time. It has funny characters, and a likeable cast, that all do their best to overcome the stale concept.

RATING: 7/10

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Christmas Capsules: Christmas on Ice (2020)

Director: John Stimpson
Writer: Stimpson
Starring: Abigail Klein, Ryan Cooper, Caroline Portu, and Will Lyman

The other day we saw Christmas with a Prince, a movie that was forgettable mainly because everyone outside of the two main characters were agonizing, for one reason or another. This one is bad in the opposite direction: the main star is a self-pitying, selfish little shit who does nothing but focus and talk about her own plights for almost the entire time. Making it to the end is like experiencing a first date that you know isn’t going any further, yet you’re too nice to just cut it off early and run.

That’s too bad, because the rest of the movie has a lot going for it: a cast of likable characters (outside of the main one), some genuine humor, and—somehow—even a little bit of chemistry between the two leads; it would have been interesting to see just how much more there could have been if the story didn’t consistently interfere with everything else.

Abigail Klein is Courtney, a cute, bubbly blonde who runs an outdoor ice rink known as “The Oval”. Not too far in, she learns that the mayor is planning on shutting down the long-standing citywide staple, and she spends every single minute of the remaining movie reminding us of that. Distracting her momentarily from how shitty and terrible her life is, she bumps into Noah Tremblay, a former NHL player for the Toronto Maple Leafs, who immediately takes a liking to her.

He’s not the only one, though (cue groans here): Noah’s young daughter, Grace, also takes to the soon-to-be-unemployed rink owner. Where’s Grace’s mom, you may be wondering (which the nosey little Courtney asks him, point-blank, on their first date)? (cue somber music) She died! Because the best way screenwriters have found to evoke pity without actually having to do anything to earn it, is to have a character’s backstory involve the death of a loved one.

Anyway, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to discover that these two people end up together in the end…that much everyone knows. The question here is…how? Maybe even “why?”

How could a romance even bubble up between these two people? You won’t necessarily be cheering them on because you want them to get together, but just because you hope she’ll at least be too smitten to think about her stupid rink being shut down. And why would this man—a good looking former star who would (presumably) have woman flinging themselves at him—stick to a woman who’s so one-dimensional that she literally comes across as if she’s using him, and his status, simply to save her beloved rink? Many of these movies defy logic, but not all of them take that liberty to such a blood-boiling degree.

I get that “The Oval” has been around for years and has sentimental value, and I get that the screenwriters just needed something to “save”, so my issue isn’t necessarily with the already tired plot retread, so much as how it’s executed. These kinds of stories can be cute, with the right balance of empathy and romance; you have to have both characters on board with the same goals, who are both driven to find a solution.

Here, the only linking factor they have is that Noah just opened a huge indoor skating facility nearby. (Thankfully she never attacks him for being the main reason she is being shut down—even though it could be argued that does play a big role in it—which is where I thought the story was headed.) And it is completely clear from the one-sided approach taken by Courtney, that she’s really the only one interested in saving it at all. Sure, Noah agrees with her and goes along with it—the way any loving pre-boyfriend would do in this situation—but even his face seems to register confusion and annoyance that every single conversation they have always seems to focus on her, and her stupid rink.

This is too bad, because almost everything outside of that has potential, with a gold award going to Caroline Portu as Beth, Courtney’s best friend. She is genuinely funny, laid-back, cool, fun, adorable…everything Courtney is not. Watching her, you can’t help but get the feeling that Christmas On Ice is focusing on the wrong person entirely: Courtney might make a decent side character, with her plight taking up little (or no) screentime, but just isn’t interesting, or two-dimensional enough to make it as the main focus.

Or, maybe even better yet, keep the actors but change the script. There’s no denying there’s some chemistry between the two leads, on the rare occasions there’s allowed to be, so why weren’t they given a story that could focus more on that, rather than a story that focuses on so much self-pity? Why would the screenwriters make the lead character so unlikable and so overbearing?

If you’re looking to find a reason to be a Grinch this holiday season, this is a good place to start.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• It seems like the “new wave” of Hallmark movies focus less on the romance angles, and more on the people themselves. Are Hallmark movies yet another thing millennials have ruined?!
• Given how many times Courtney leaves her cashier station in the few moments we see her there, it’s a wonder this place didn’t close down years ago. 
• The way Noah says, “Uh…we lost her,” when Courtney asked what happened to Grace’s mother, sounds like she was a toy that fell behind the couch. 
• Maybe tone things down a bit so it doesn’t look like all you’re using Noah for is to save the rink you won’t shut up about.
• "Yes dear, I do love you, but how about you use your pull with the mayor to save my rink? Oh, and after that, you want to help me with this fundraiser for my rink? A kiss? No time for that! My rink needs me!"
• That's so sweet how quickly the dead mother's memorial star atop the family Christmas tree is replaced by this stupid woman's new topper.
• Have I mentioned how much I hate kids in these movies? 
• I know these movies are supposed to be old-fashioned and simple, but there's no reason to do a fundraiser anywhere but GoFundMe these days.

RATING: 3.5/10

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Christmas Capsules: Christmas With a Prince (2018)

Director: Justin G. Dyck
Writers: Keith Cooper
Starring: Kaitlyn Leeb, Nick Hounslow, Josh Dean, and Melinda Shankar

Kaitlyn Leeb must be a terrible person; at least, that’s what I assume. Maybe she kicks dogs, or accidentally ran over a child with her car while drunk several years back. Or shot a cop. I don’t know, but she must have done something, and it must have been so heinously bad that it justifies keeping a naturally attractive and talented actress confined to a lifetime of short-term TV jobs and holiday movies.

She’s that rare type of actress—at least within the realm of cheesy holiday movies—that can just brighten a scene up with just her smile. But she’s a true double threat, because beyond that, she can actually act; that's a rare commodity in this subgenre, where the actors are either good-looking, or can act. There aren't many actresses that I can't take my eyes off of when they're on screen, but she is one of them (although, as much as I'd like to say I want to see her in more of these for my own personal benefit, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone's career).

Here she plays Dr. Tasha, a pediatrician whose main concern in life are the kids under her care (and, in true Hallmark form, to a completely annoying degree). But through a random series of events, she finds herself taking care of Prince Alexander, a prince (surprise!) who breaks his leg in a ski accident. Rather than take him to a typical hospital, which will be swarming with paparazzi, the royal family decides to send him to Dr. Tasha’s establishment, as the two of them were childhood friends who went their own separate ways after a disagreement. Uh oh, no way this well thought out plan could spell trouble!

Despite some good chemistry between the leads, this one is a dud for a rather surprising reason: everyone else is a piece of shit in one way or another. Seriously, I don’t recall another cast of characters that frequently pissed me off so much. Yes, of course the mean ones all do a complete 180 and change their tunes around by the end of the movie, but that still means about three-quarters of the movie are filled with people that you don’t really even want to see.

There’s Dr. Tasha’s boss, a black woman (because there’s an unwritten rule that you must specify race if not white) who clearly puts profits above the lives of children in her care; she’s terrible for obvious reasons already, but is actually so heartless and evil that she would be better suited as an action movie villain. Then, there’s the prince’s dad, who of course is an entitled piece of crap who uses his pull to basically force Dr. Tasha into caring for his son. Even the characters that aren’t mean are nearly unbearable: Jeff, Dr. Tasha’s best friend, is the obligatory over-the-top comedian who forcefully jabs jokes in your face until you just want to smash his against a wall. His eventual love interest is Bella, an always-angry young woman who basically functions as the prince’s spokesperson/bodyguard, and who spends half the movie in hysterics wondering where the prince has gone, or getting jealous that Dr. Tasha is getting close with him. It’s like a collection of characters that you would never want to spend even a minute with, and the filmmakers thought you would want to have as your best friends.

It's the chemistry between the two leads that carry this one as far as it goes; unfortunately, it’s the writing that ultimately prevents it from spreading its wings, keeping it grounded and never giving it even the remotest of chances to take off. At least the romance is largely the main focus, which isn’t the case with a lot of holiday movies we’ve seen recently, so if you’re part of the old-fashioned crowd who just wants to see two people fall in love, this would be a good option for you. If, however, you actually want to enjoy the time you spend watching two people fall in love, look somewhere else, in a land far, far away.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Kaitlyn Leeb just might be the most attractive Lifetime/Hallmark actress in existence; she also might be the most talented.
• She goes from being inconsolably angry to forgivable pretty quick.
• Why does the "sudden fiancé" have to be a plot point at all and, in this case, why is she so unattractive?
• This one gives us not only one example of the “pretend to hate this man but secretly am attracted to him” trope, but two! (Bella also does the same with Jeff).
• One formula that doesn’t typically work for movies in general, but especially not holiday ones: Having an entire cast of unlikable characters (outside of the two leads).

RATING: 4/10

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