A Christmas in the Pines (2021)

Director: Gary Wheeler

Writer(s): Natasha Baron
Starring: Jillian Murray, Dean Geyer, Leigh-Allyn Baker and Grant Godeve

Well I think we’re finally starting to round out the holiday season, and what a ride it’s been: After getting off to a great start, the quality of movies seemed to quickly decrease the closer to Christmas we got. Was it just a case of rom-com burnout, or just the way things worked out? I’m not sure the answer to that, but what I do know is that we’ve got a review of A Christmas in the Pines forthcoming. Will this end the streak of awfulness, or contribute to it?

You know how all these vapid holiday love stories have ridiculous plotlines? I mean, that’s part of the draw: escapism in its highest form. These movies aren’t just content to put the two leads in true love, but they have to run through every trope possible on their way to getting there. There’s the interrupted kiss; the misunderstanding that leads to a fight; the initial “hatred” of each other that soon blossoms into neverending passion (why do characters in these movies always have to hate each other in the beginning); the list goes on and on.

A Christmas in the Pines takes the creative license afforded these movies, and shoves it right out the window; it's almost a masterclass in the ludicrous. For some, that might be part of its appeal; for others, who like their love stories to be more straightforward and “traditional”, it might be a turn-off. Personally, I find myself somewhere in between the two camps.

Ariel Colt is a young(ish) woman looking to purchase a cottage, just because she wants one. (That’s a rather expensive impulse buy.) Right after she signs on the dotted line, another interested party enters the house…this is Mark, a young, handsome man who also has his heart set on buying it. Well, Ariel signed it first, so it belongs to her, right? Not exactly. Instead, through some weird glitch in the system, the buyer accepted both offers. That means the two of them own the same house.

In order to decide who “deserves” it, the realtors set up a little game: whoever goes beyond the land’s boundaries first loses, which then transfers the cottage to the remaining person. 

At first, Ariel seems to hate Mark, only we know she doesn’t. Why do these movies think it’s cute to have the characters hate each other at first? I mean, I get that people like the kind of dramatic, up-and-down relationships, and I can see it happening once in a while, but it seems like every holiday movie these days requires one lead to initially hate the other.That doesn’t seem very Christmaslike!

Well, are you following me so far? It’s pretty ridiculous, right? Well, buckle yourselves in, because it’s about to get even worse: Desperate to get Ariel to break, Mark calls in his family to come visit him, hoping their appearance will drive Ariel out. In an attempt to fight back, Ariel does the same…only to have both sets of parents get along famously. So now what do they do? Well, there’s nothing really left for them to do besides fall in love.

If it sounds like it’s entertaining, it’s not really; at least, not as much as it should be. The best thing in the whole movie: Mark’s dad’s terrifying smile, which he flashes at a couple different points. It’s so over-the-top we had to rewind it just to make sure we saw things correctly…we did. Outside of that, there’s not really anything all that interesting: the dynamics are okay between the two, but I wouldn’t say chemistry is a strong suit. It’s decent enough to be serviceable, but there’s definitely no “gotta have you” feeling radiating off either one.

Despite the dad’s creepy smile, the cast is actually pretty likable all-around, which makes what should be an irredeemably sappy story at least somewhat palatable. There really isn’t much in the way of humor, aside from the typical lame dad-style jokes that (I think) are supposed to fall flat; unfortunately, that just leaves an increasingly implausible love story as its central premise, with two leads who feel rather indifferent about each other.

Does it snap the streak of awful Christmas movies? Technically, but only because the past couple are the worst we’ve seen all season. This is a slight improvement over those, but given the ridiculous premise, isn’t anywhere near as entertaining as it should have been. The two lovebirds aren't the only ones that are indifferent about this.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

It's not enough to just read about the smile. You gotta see the smile.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 4.5/10

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