A Castle for Christmas (2021)

Director: Mary Lambert
Writer(s): Ally Carter and Kim Beyer-Johnson
Starring: Brooke Shields, Cary Elwes, Lee Ross and Andi Osho

After going down the foreign rom-com rabbit hole for our last few movie viewings, we finally returned to the bland American trash that we have grown so accustomed to over the years. And there’s no bigger sign of impending blandness than seeing Brooke Shields starring in it.

Actually, I like Brooke Shields, so I hope she doesn’t take it the wrong way; I just mean that any holiday movie starring a formerly famous star who has been out of the spotlight for a while is a surefire sign that what we're dealing with is a B-grade rom-com (as does the mention of "Christmas" in the title). That goes double because the man that stars opposite her is none other than Cary Elwes, a male actor of similar career trajectory who I unfortunately always equate with Robin Hood: Men in Tights. (Seriously, I don’t know why, but I can’t name any other movie he’s ever been in without looking at IMDb.)

Yeah, there really isn’t much to say about this one: The atmosphere is kind of like The Princess Switch series - what with the royal castle and all - only without much of the charm, or careless fun. 

Shields is Sophie Brown, a best-selling author known for a series of books following the life of one woman whose name escapes me at the moment. I don’t know if you happened to read the synopsis, but virtually every description of the movie I can find mentions that she escapes New York to avoid a “scandal”. I was hoping for something juicy: a sex tape, or a murder perhaps, but do you want to know what salacious act she’s guilty of that warrants switching countries? Killing off a beloved character in one of her books. Seriously. (So I guess technically it was murder?) In the best scene of the movie, she appears on “The Drew Barrymore Show” to explain her reasonings for the controversial decision…but when Drew takes the side of the readers, she realizes that her life is in danger, or something, and decides to hightail it out of the country.

Figuring out her destination is simple, because of course Sophie’s father grew up in a castle somewhere in Scotland (named Dun Dunbar, of all things), so that’s where she escapes to, planning to wait until the fervor over her book series dies down. That’s where she meets Duke Myles, a grumpy man with a heavy Scottish accent who is known for avoiding…well everyone in town, actually. 

As it turns out, the castle that her father grew up in is for sale, and she jumps at the chance to buy it. But that crotchety old Duke isn’t a big fan of her, even though it’s pretty obvious from the outset that he really is, but must hide his feelings underneath a facade of constant anger and frowning. You know, because that’s the best way to get a girl.

Blah blah blah, they end up together and the movie ends, hopefully not making room for a sequel.

It’s all just…devoid of any substance. I mean, that (and various other phrases) are words I could use to describe many of these holiday gag-fests, but in this case, it’s really the only way to describe it. The comedy is based almost entirely on watching Elwes get mad at everything, with occasional shots of his dog, Hamish, thrown in for additional, basic laughs. I mean, virtually any time a movie resorts to deriving humor out of a pet - something that’s guaranteed to elicit an “awwww” and obligatory laugh from almost every member of the largely female viewer base - you know it’s cruising on autopilot.

Usually these movies have at least something to remind you that you saw it, even if it’s a funny scene - whether intentional or not - or some twisting of the holiday rom-com formula, no matter how slight. But A Castle for Christmas literally has nothing going for it. Nothing. I guess the two leads are decent enough together - though I wouldn’t say there’s a whole lot in the way of chemistry - and often look like they’re having at least a bit of fun, but unfortunately none of that is contagious. And the use of a mute man whose only line talks about the importance of true love just made me want to stick a shotgun to my head and squeeze the trigger.

I mentioned that the best scene is her appearance on "The Drew Barrymore Show", but there's actually one that tops it: The end credits sequence finds Sophie back on Drew's show to promote her new book (which of course is based on her time in the castle). What makes the scene so funny is it’s the first time the movie really embraces a carefree, comedic attitude, as the scene appears to be completely improvised, with multiple takes and behind-the-scenes moments thrown in. It’s refreshing because it’s not presented as a finished scene, but that’s what makes it completely unique; it’s obvious the two of them are friends in real life, and their interplay is easily the best example of chemistry in this whole godforsaken mess.

Oh well, at least now I have two movies to equate Cary Elwes with.

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• Characters crossing over from different Netflix movies into others seems to be a thing these days: Look for Mrs. Donatelli and Frank de Luca, from The Princess Switch franchise, in a small cameo where they check in as guests to the castle. Does this mean that romance has finally blossomed between them?

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

TRAILER

Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Director: Ryûhei Kitamura
Writer(s): Jeff Buhler, based on the story by Clive Barker
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb, Vinnie Jones, and Brooke Shields

Well we’re just continuing down the Kitamura rabbit hole, aren’t we? After being moderately impressed—and in mostly different ways-- with the previous two efforts I’ve seen out of him (Downrange and No One Lives), I was somewhat looking forward to seeing his most well-known effort. After all, my biggest consistent complaint from the two movies I saw was related to the B-grade acting: I even wondered aloud in a previous review how much better his movies would be with a better cast.

You know, it’s funny how things work out sometimes, because he was finally given an A-list actor (in Bradley Cooper), and even some A-list material (it is based on a short story by none other than Clive Barker), only to let us down with a final product that’s relatively pedestrian, at least as far as Kitamura is concerned. It occasionally bubbles to life in fragments, hinting at something worthwhile that never fully develops, and ultimately leaving us with a disappointing final product that falls well short, especially given the considerable talent involved both in front of, and behind, the camera.

Cooper plays Leon, a wannabe photographer looking for his first big break. He’s referred to the owner of an art gallery (Susan Hoff, played by Brooke Shields), who sees promise, but is ultimately uninspired by the bland presentation of his photos. She urges him to get to the “heart of the city”, because that’s where she feels he will start to see success.

He does as suggested, wandering the streets—and eventually the subway—of New York at night (that’s a death wish) to find darker, more “raw” material. That’s when he eventually crosses paths with Mahogany, a brutal murderer who stalks a nightly train and offs its inhabitants with a meat hammer. Leon eventually becomes so obsessed with stalking the murderer that it creates more than a little tension between him and his girlfriend, Maya, a supportive gal who is being dragged beyond her breaking point.

The murders, while incredibly graphic, are placed sparingly and sporadically throughout, and also suffer from one of the worst fads of the 2000s: CGI blood. As much as I hate the stuff (it’s ruined many a movie), I feel like it almost works here, with such copious amounts of it that it looks like a digital painting—although probably unintentional, it certainly fits with the “artist” motif that surrounds Cooper’s character. But notice I said “almost”, because it’s still computerized, and it’s still completely hokey; I’d be interested to see just how much of an improvement practical effects would be. (Although in one ingeniously disturbing moment, a woman is decapitated in first person, her head laying to rest within sight of the rest of her body, before the camera pans out of her eye to reveal the disembodied head making one final groan.)

Unfortunately, outside of the kills, the rest of the story feels half-baked. There are no reasons offered up for why Mahogany does what he does; only vague “hints” that are never even lightly explored. On the “human” side of the equation, Leon’s descent into madness feels sudden and forced, and wastes the talents of both Cooper and Leslie Bibb as Maya, who would have been more than capable of putting more humanity into their roles. There's no gradual buildup in tension between the two: it's just her going from encouraging to disgusted by his actions, with no growing sense of alarm in-between. And while I’m a huge proponent of leaving as much to the imagination as possible in film, there are moments when it’s absolutely necessary; I would say centering a movie around a killer, and then even going through the trouble of offering up some clues as to why he’s doing what he’s doing, would be one of those cases. Instead, we’re just left out in the cold, with nothing to really even go off; it doesn’t feel so much a mystery as it does complete laziness.

In my opinion, this is Kitamura’s least engaging movie, and one that really shows more of his weaknesses as a director: he just doesn’t seem all that interested in developing the scenes in between the moments he can cause hell to break loose. And considering he doesn’t get as many chances to do that here as he does in his other films means Midnight Meat Train is every bit as bad as its title.

Okay, maybe not that bad, but pretty darn close.

RATING: 4/10

TRAILER

BONUS CLIP (Aforementioned POV Decapitation)