Seriously Single (2020)

Directors: Katleho Ramaphakela, Rethabile Ramaphakela
Writer(s): Lwazi Mvusi
Starring: Fulu Mugovhani, Tumi Morake, Bohang Moeko and Yonda Thomas

We always knew rom-coms were popular in the United States, but like a typical self-centered American douchebag, I never even stopped to think that there are still close to 200 countries out there, and romance is an ideology in all of them. I mean, who doesn’t love being swept off their feet? Who can’t relate to the feelings of that first blossoming love? Who doesn’t have that special someone they keep letting back into their lives, no matter how much they ruin them? That’s true love. And that means no matter where you go, there are going to be movies about it.

Seriously Single is a South African (?) attempt at the subgenre. There are probably dozens - if not hundreds - of South African rom-coms, but this feels like the first one ever made: Even despite Netflix's backing, it's clumsy and awkward and rough around the edges. It often has the feel of a low-budget movie made by amateurs rather than the gloss of a big studio production. But it does have a certain charm about it, as well as an attractive cast, that helps to reign it in at least a little bit when all else fails.

Dineo is a woman who is desperate to get married. How desperate? So desperate that the local courier stays in business just from delivering her belongings from the house of the latest man to dump her (of course this begs a more serious question; why’d they let her move in in the first place?) At her rock bottom, that's when she meets Lunga, a charming, handsome man who quickly makes her his world. Certain this is the man she’s been waiting for, she falls into old patterns…and achieves the same results. Lunga, as it turns out, is getting married, something Dineo finds out the hard way after stumbling in on his bachelor party (long story). 

The antithesis to her obsessively monogamist ways (there always has to be an opposite) is Noni, her best friend and a woman who’s uninterested in long-term commitment. According to her, if you sleep with someone twice, it’s a relationship, so she goes out of her way to make sure her life is a series of string-free one night stands. She tries to get Dineo to embrace her inner self, rather than chasing a string of men who have no interest in settling down.

Then, in the midst of her singleness, Lunga steps back into her life (of course he does), with news that he has gotten divorced. The two get back together, and things are going well for the young couple. But are they really happy? Or has Dineo learned that she doesn't need a man to make her happy?

This is another rom-com that also aims to make the supporting character more "3-D", instead of just one who provides emotional support, by giving Noni a story of her own. After another casual one night stand, she develops a cat-and-mouse relationship with Max, a bar owner who sets his sights on making that wild cat settle down. Of course, she's at first reluctant because it goes against her "morals", but slowly, he starts to whittle down her defenses. Will she keep closing off, or will she learn that life can be improved by having a man?

Similar to Sounds Like Love, this is another “wom-com” where the men only serve as inspiration for the women to find themselves. Well, partially. Thankfully, it's not super preachy, and Tumi Morake is the perfect Noni, injecting some comedy thanks to her carefree ways and sage advice. Her interplay with Dineo is on-point; in fact, the chemistry between them is more believable than it is with any of the men.

In the end, the best I can grant this one is that it's "okay", and it's the worst of the foreign romance movies we’ve seen thus far. It’s just clunky and utterly predictable, deriving its laughs from tired situations and over-the-top scenarios. The cast is attractive - and convincing - enough to maintain interest during the slow parts, and they’re a likable bunch, but even they can’t overcome a weak script, and often poor execution. 

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 5.5/10

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Sounds Like Love (aka Fuimos Canciones) (2021)

Director: Juana Macias
Writer(s): Laura Sarmiento Pallares, based on the novel by Elisabet Benavent
Starring: Maria Valverde, Alex Gonzalez, Elisabet Casanovas and Susana Abaitua

After forcing our way through most of the lame American rom-coms - you know, those B-grade (or worse) flicks that turn predictability and “blah” into an art form - we’ve recently begun focusing our attention to foreign attempts at the subgenre. And, despite their questionably low IMDb scores, we’ve found them to be much more charming - and infinitely better - on the whole.

Sounds Like Love is a Spanish import that follows Maca, a 30-year-old who works as an assistant to a cold-hearted and cruel social media influencer. When she’s not at work, she’s either spending time with her two best friends, Jimena and Adriana, or hooking up with a man named Coque for some casual sex inside her car. 

Of course, she has some troubles with love or we wouldn’t be watching a rom-com: Her romantic kryptonite comes in the form of Leo, her ex-lover and the one who got away. The two of them were inseparable, looking to get a house together, before he just up and split, without so much as a goodbye. Well, guess who reappears just as she seems to be getting her life back on track…and guess who’s also dating one of her colleagues?

At first, the two start trading jabs, with the jilted woman attempting to gain some revenge on the lover who did her wrong: she shows up to his college class and calls his itinerary out for being sexist. He, in turn, pretends to seduce her, before suddenly revealing it was just a game. But then, what appear to be hostile feelings between the two, somehow bloom into the possibility of true love.   

What separates Sounds Like Love apart from similar movies of its ilk is the narrative structure: Maca constantly breaks the fourth wall, talking to the viewer directly in between scenes to explain things in more elaborate detail; she’s visited by “angel” and “devil” versions of herself in a segment called “Crappy Decisions”; and the story doesn’t just focus on her own love life, but also those of Jimena and Adriana. This at least helps to give it more of a “complexity” missing from similar movies, where the main couple are essentially the only characters we’re supposed to be cheering for. 

Honestly, this isn’t a rom-com so much as a vehicle for “female empowerment”. I know, I know, you’re probably groaning at that statement; it’s become a catch-all for all sorts of preachy vehicles that attempt to force the independence of women down our throats. In fact, the rom-com itself might be a thing of the past soon, as female voices rebel against the idea of a woman’s sole purpose in life being in a committed relationship with a member of the opposite sex to begin with.

But before you go casting this aside for that reason, hear me out: This is done in a charming way. It’s about one woman who discovers that she can’t possibly love someone else, until she loves herself first. That idea might sound a little corny, if not cliched, but it presents that angle without ever being too heavy handed.

There are some flaws: For starters, this was based on the "Canciones y Recuerdos" two-book series from author Elisabet Benavent. The books take up 500 pages, of which Sounds Like Love had to cut down into a runtime under two hours. This means there were entire plotlines that had to be excised; it’s a shame Netflix couldn’t turn this into a two-movie deal to fully flesh out the books into movie form.

Another example: The change between Maca and Leo’s previously hostile relationship, into legitimate love is rather forced and unrealistic. The two spend the first half of the movie trading barbs with one another (some of which are actually quite brutal emotionally, especially for Maca), and then all of a sudden Leo becomes a good guy who falls back in love with his former flame. It's done without precedent, and so quickly that it seems like a more elaborate prank.

Despite those cons, I’m actually shocked at Sounds Like Love’s dismissal in reviews as a “predictable” rom-com; it makes me wonder if those people actually watched it. I mean, I guess I can’t really call it unpredictable, but within the realm of these movies, it has a few tricks up its sleeve.

Like the fleshing out of its side characters, Jimena and Adriana. The former is a woman obsessed with her dead lover, who searches for characteristics of him in every man that she dates. The latter is a woman in an unfulfilled marriage, who becomes attracted to the “other” woman in a threesome with her husband. Their stories blend in with Maca’s, and while they lead toward obvious conclusions, they have an element that is both human, and uplifting.

Then there’s Maca’s ending, in which she reveals what the ending would be like “if this were a rom-com”. In a refreshing change of pace, that’s not the way this story ends.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 8/10

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Desperados (2020)

Director: LP
Writer(s): Ellen Rapoport
Starring: Nasim Pedrad, Anna Camp, Lamorne Morris and Sarah Burns

You know what? I always complain about how lame most “rom-coms” are, following boring formulas to a “T” while barely interjecting any original ideas of their own. I mean, technically almost every movie (and every book, piece of music, etc.) is a retread of many others - there are so many existing pieces of media that it’s impossible to create something that’s entirely unique - but cheesy rom-coms are almost unwavering in their commitment to tired tropes.

But then I forget about the other side of the equation: Rom-coms that try to be “edgy”. These are almost worse in that they still follow the same cliches of Hallmark-style crapfests, but just throw in a few extra “fucks” or maybe some heightened sexual content, for no reason. 

Desperados is a good example of the latter, but it does manage to be slightly better than other such entries thanks to a good cast who work well together, and the occasional humorous moment that lands.

Wesley (yes, she’s a girl) is a mess of a woman whose life is a series of failed relationships. She’s that prototypical “edgy” girl: Promiscuous and willing to do anything in her quest to find true love because, you know, that’s funny. In the opening, she is on a blind date with Sean (Lamorne Morris, that likable dude from "New Girl"), who instantly shuts her down when he sees just how desperate she is.

Rebounding from that, she meets Wes, a man with whom she shares an immediate attraction. She likes him so much that she even makes him wait a month before inviting him into her bedroom…and then doesn’t hear from him for five days. This leads her (and her two best friends) to get drunk and fire off a profanity-laden email in which no target is off limits…including his dead father.

But would you believe it if I told you that there was a good reason for his radio silence? Of course, right after her friends click “send”, she finally receives the call she’s been waiting for, but receives unexpected news: He was in a serious accident while traveling to Mexico and has been recuperating in a hospital. 

Once again desperate (see how much of a recurring theme this is in her life) she forces her two friends to accompany her to Mexico, with the idea that they will delete the incriminating message before he can read it. Of course, things do not go that simply. Also an “of course”: Sean happens to be there at the exact same time. Could she possibly find that the man of her dreams isn’t the one that she originally flew to Mexico for?

The comedy here is rather tired, such as a recurring joke involving a mother who thinks Wes is attracted to her 12-year-old son, and the increasingly extreme lengths Wesley will go in order to save a fledgling relationship. Yet the cast is pleasant enough together that it helps offset some of the failed humor and the obligatory fight between the self-centered Wesley and her friends when they realize their friend is so hung up on men, that she has no time to appreciate them. 

There really isn’t any form of sexual chemistry between the two eventual lovebirds - which, let’s be honest, is kind of a drag in a movie where we’re supposed to cheer for them to get together - but they do have a platonic compatibility that makes their scenes feel genuine, in a way. Maybe not the way the filmmakers - or us, as the viewers - were hoping, but it’s a small shred of authenticity in a movie otherwise surrounded by unnecessary excess.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 5.5/10

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#Alive (2020)

Director: Il Cho
Writer(s): Cho, based on an original screenplay by Matt Naylor
Starring: Yoo Ah-in, Park Shin-Hye, Jeon Bae-soo and Hyun Wook-Lee

Several years ago - I mean, we're probably talking about two decades at this point - the zombie subgenre was actually my favorite in horror. The shambling creatures first came to the forefront in George Romero’s seminal 1968 chiller Night of the Living Dead, was reinforced by its (overrated) sequel Dawn of the Dead a decade later, and then arguably came to further prominence thanks to a spate of mostly low-budget Italian knockoffs, like Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. There was just something about the idea of monsters that were really only effective in hordes (but that could easily multiply from one, into a whole army) that was just terrifying to me. Then Hollywood came, as usual, to ruin it all, putting them in the mainstream and overflooding theaters with subpar effort after subpar effort until I stopped caring altogether.

But #Alive seemed a little bit different, outside of the annoying recent trend to put a hashtag in front of its title. This one focuses on one man who is apparently the only survivor in a city that’s suddenly overrun with the living dead, when a random, unexplained event turns all the people in a city into bloodthirsty zombies. 

That’s essentially the entire setup. The man is Oh Joon-woo, a college-aged guy whose parents are away, leaving him alone in the high-rise apartment they own. Joon-woo doesn’t seem to have much in the way of aspirations or dreams, and seems perfectly content playing video games to pass the time. All that changes, though, when there are suddenly news reports of people randomly turning into violent, bloodthirsty creatures. He looks out the window and sees mayhem in the streets: people are being chased and attacked by waves of seemingly normal people turned violent. 

He panics, his first thought being his parents. They text to tell him they are okay, which relieves him for the time being. He barricades himself in, but then hears someone begging for help outside his door. Since we have to see that our main character is worth rooting for because he has a heart of gold, Joon-woo decides to let the man in…only to find that he has been bitten and is going to turn into a raging psychopath. After a struggle, Oh Joon-woo manages to kill him.

Soon, he discovers that the mounting number of the undead isn’t his only concern: the electricity and water in his building are turned off, and phone service becomes unreliable. He manages to send out a video through social media to his followers, asking for help, but it goes unanswered. Hunger and thirst are starting to play a role, and in a moment of weakness, he decides suicide is the best way out. But in the midst of his attempt, a laser pointer stops him as he dangles from the rope. He struggles to free himself from the noose and discovers another young survivor who lives in an adjacent building. This is Kim Yoo-bin, a female with whom he quickly forges a short-distance bond.

The two eventually meet up in person, and combine their wits to survive in a city where survival seems impossible. Kim suggests that they go to the 8th floor of his apartment building, which seems to be totally vacant; there they can at least relax a little bit and buy enough time to come up with a plan. They make it…only to discover nothing can be that easy. Meanwhile, hordes of the undead force their way into the building, giving them precious little time to hatch an escape plan. Can they make it out #alive, or will they just become more #victims for the #undead?

One thing I hate about the “only man alive” description that marketing materials use to describe it is that that’s rarely the case. It’s a great idea in theory to have one person against insurmountable odds, but unless it was pulled off perfectly, focusing on one person would get pretty boring pretty quickly. Besides, the trailer itself (and even the poster!) shows Kim Yoo-bin so we know he’s not the only one left right off the bat. Why do film descriptions have to be misleading in order to gain viewers? How would this movie be any different or less appealing if it acknowledged there was at least one other survivor? Even the idea of a small group of people would be terrifying when they’re still outnumbered 5,000 to 1. 

Ultimately, your appreciation for #Alive will depend directly on your level of patience. It often feels more like a character study that happens to have zombies in it; there are long moments of inaction, especially in the beginning as it focuses on Joon-woo and sets up its basic story. Once it gets going there are more tense moments spread throughout, but it doesn’t really hit its peak until the final 15 minutes, or so. That will pretty much alienate fans of blood and gore - two things that are frequently staples of the subgenre - as there really isn’t much bloodshed until toward the end (and even then, it's mostly your run of the mill blunt force trauma to the head of the undead). 

Then there’s the ending, which is absolutely awful. I can’t say too much without giving it away, but it almost feels like an antithesis to everything that came before it. It doesn’t quite ruin the entire film, but it comes damn close; a convenient finish that feels contrived and unearned. 

Balancing out the film’s potential weaknesses are the zombies themselves: They're actually some of the most terrifying zombies since 28 Days Later. The makeup effects are excellent, featuring shredded faces insinuating days of decay, pupils gone and replaced with nothing but white. Thanks to the sound design, the way they violently jolt and stumble around is chilling, as are their screams, which they use to communicate with other zombies. Oh, and just like the zombies in Danny Boyle’s horror opus, they can run. There’s not much original about them, but they are appropriately menacing and give off a feeling of danger in scenes where the main characters are forced to face them. 

It’s actually a shame this is a Netflix production; it has the look and feel of a low-budget horror film, and actually could have worked much better within the confines of a limited budget. A lower-quality picture full of graininess, and a smaller cast (of zombies) that could have heightened the intensity and given the sequences a greater sense of urgency. It just looks too polished for what it is, and that further helps to drag it down a bit.

Despite its flaws, though, #Alive is still a slightly above average example of a subgenre that has been done to death. It doesn’t exactly breathe new life into the zombie film as some have suggested, but it does make effective use out of its confined setting, and limited (living) cast. You just can’t help noticing there’s a much better film buried in there somewhere, just waiting to get out.

RATING: 5.5/10

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Love Hard (2021)

Director: Hernan Jiminez
Writer(s): Danny Mackey and Rebecca Ewing

Starring: Nina Dobrev, Jimmy O. Yang, Darren Barnet and Matty Finochio

Well here we are with our second holiday entrant of the year, and it’s yet another one produced by Netflix: Love Hard. 

Nina Dobrev is Natalie, an East-coaster who earns a living writing about her miserable dating life, which is a series of epic misfires. Then she swipes on Josh, and the two strike up an immediate connection. Without ever meeting in person, Natalie is certain she has found the man of her dreams. He’s intelligent, drop-dead gorgeous and single…what’s not to like? 

So smitten is Natalie that she does what any normal girl in her situation would do: Boards a plane and travels 3000 miles to surprise Josh around Christmastime. She immediately learns that Josh isn’t who he says he is - instead, he used the picture of his good looking friend, Tag, to lure women to his profile. The two strike up an uneasy agreement: They will pose as an engaged couple, as long as Josh hooks her up with Tag.

On the surface, Tag is the perfect guy, and Natalie is sure that he is the one for her. But should she follow the man she fell for over text - Josh - or the man who merely looks good? (Unfortunately here, she can’t choose both.)

As expected, this one packs in as many holiday rom-com tropes as possible: Josh is in the shadow of his successful, and married, brother; he works for his parents, but is too afraid to tell them he wants to do his own thing; the “fake” engagement; Natalie’s final revelation; the woman who misses everything right under her nose; the jealous friend; and too many more to count. It’s as formulaic as they come, but then again, that’s what everyone is hoping for and expecting this time of year. 

At least this one is TV-MA, meaning it is only suitable for adults. However, before you get excited with thoughts of seeing Nina Dobrev naked, or a lesbian tryst that comes out of nowhere just because that’s more your style, the rating is solely for language. Still it’s nice to see this kind of cheesy junk upping the ante and becoming at least a little more envelope-pushing, probably in an attempt to sucker in people who normally wouldn’t care about holiday fare (though it’s at the risk of alienating grandma).

I know “progressive” is here to stay, and I’m all for it, but Natalie and Josh feel like a more awkward, unbelievable pairing that I may have ever seen in a romance movie. It’s not that Josh isn’t likable, it’s just that he’s…not attractive. I hate to say it, but come on, the biggest appeal of these movies is to watch two cute people fall in love. Remove the “cute” from the equation and you’re just left with a tired retread of millions of other movies that contain no reasons for you to even watch it. And as shallow as it makes me sound, think about it: You know I’m right. He does have a great personality, and I do enjoy his character, but there’s just no way this relationship would ever work in the real world, because not only is Josh out of her league, but he also doesn’t have any money.

The cast is uniformly likable, and turn in performances appropriate of this kind of genre fare. Unfortunately, Kerry, Natalie’s best friend from LA, is completely wasted: Her character is genuinely funny (and the main reason for the adult rating), but her appearances are mostly confined to the beginning before she’s completely forgotten about. What is it with these movies always having one good character who is confined to precious little screen time? It feels like that’s one of the prerequisites for getting green-lit for a romance movie these days.

At any rate, this is yet another upbeat holiday movie, although the TV-MA rating might scare away those who prefer their winter movies to be squeaky clean. Assuming you can take a little bit of language, Love Hard delivers some genuine laughs; a fun, laid-back atmosphere; and a likeable lead. It also has a charming message: That love isn’t always about looks, it’s about what’s on the inside. 

Keep that in mind as you force yourself to believe this pairing. 

RATING: 6/10

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In the Tall Grass (2019)

Director: Vincenzo Natali
Writer(s): Natali, from a short story by Stephen King and Joe Hill
Starring: Laysla De Oliveiri, Avery Whitted, Patrick Wilson and Will Buie Jr.

Usually, the movies my wife and I watch are carefully and meticulously chosen, sometimes too much so. We’ll spend several minutes switching between several different streaming services, until we finally find something that tickles our fancy. In a best case scenario, we will choose 3-5 movies and have the other person narrow it down to one. In almost all cases, the process takes way longer than it should. 

In the Tall Grass, however, was different in that it's one of the few movies that we just blindly picked. We knew nothing about it going in, but all it took was one view of the trailer to suck us in.  It's a horror tale written by Stephen King and his son Joe Hill that takes place in the titular setting: A seemingly neverending field of tall grass. 

The plot finds Becky, a pregnant woman who's traveling to San Diego with her nerdy brother, Cal. It is unclear at first why they're traveling such great distance, but becomes one of many revelations throughout the film. They are traveling through the fields of Kansas when Becky starts to feel sick. Naturally, Cal starts the car to give her time to recover. As they’re getting ready to continue their trek, they hear a voice calling out for help from inside the tall weeds. 

It sounds like a young boy who is trapped in there and begging for help. Cal seems slightly unfazed - “annoyed” might be a more appropriate term -  and wants to continue on but Becky decides that they should stay and help. She is pregnant, after all, so presumably the thought of abandoning a child is too much for her. In an effort to find the lost child, they enter the grass.

In case you weren't already clued in, the grass isn't all that it appears to be. It's an almost shape-shifting world that seems to decide the fates of those inside it. If it wants you to find someone, you will find them. If it wants you to get separated from someone, you'll get separated. It’s like it controls the motions and actions of everyone trapped inside. It sounds kind of stupid, but it's pulled off fairly well, for the most part.

It doesn’t take long for things to go awry: Becky and Cal are separated almost immediately, and are unable to find each other. He stumbles onto Tobin, the boy whose cries for help are the ones that lured them out in the first place; he’s a creepy-looking, ominous child who seems to be hiding more than he’s letting on. Meanwhile, Becky stumbles onto Ross, Tobin’s father, who has also been separated from Natalie, his wife. He promises Becky to help her find a way out.

Since this is based on a story co-written by Stephen King, we know things can’t just be this straightforward. As if the setting wasn’t strong enough, we’re introduced to a magical fucking rock that has some sort of weird powers. Alright, whatever. I’m a big fan of ambiguity, which the film already had in spades, so to place some of the outcome of the story on a magical rock just kind of ruined some of the momentum for me. Sure, it’s mysterious, as well, but come on…it’s a magical fucking rock. 

Aside from the setting, the best feature of In the Tall Grass is the way it plays with time: We already know things aren’t what they seem inside the grass, but the scope of it slowly becomes evident. I’ll admit the “twist”, where we start to understand what’s going on, is appropriately trippy and also adds to the cryptic feel. Eventually, it breaks down into a hallucinatory nightmare that reminded me a lot of the excellent horror film The Dark and the Wicked. The line between fantasy and reality blurs, leaving not only the characters confused as to what’s going on, but the viewers as well. 

I’ve not read the short story by King and Hill, but turning any novel into a film is hard work; stretching a short story into a feature length film might be even harder. Personally, I felt like there’s too much going on, especially when the setting itself is strong enough to stand out on its own. It’s like the chef who ruins a perfect dish by adding too many spices. The villain is rather ho-hum and, admittedly, doesn’t really feel necessary to the story; after all, it’s more or less the grass who’s the main antagonist. And by the time the magical rock was introduced, I'll admit I partially lost interest in the story.

It doesn't always entirely work, and it leads up to a predictable and slightly corny finish, but overall, In the Tall Grass makes just enough use of its setting to deliver a creepy enough atmosphere that limps across the finish line. It won't top any lists of noteworthy horror films - not even for the year it was made - but it’s not one that should top your list of regrets.

RATING: 5.5/10

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There's Someone Inside Your House (2021)

Director: Patrick Brice
Writer(s): Henry Gayden, from a novel by Stephanie Perkins
Starring: Sydney Park, Theodore Pellerin, Asjha Cooper, and Dale Whibley

If there is one thing my 37 years on this earth has taught me, it's that there's nothing worse than a horror movie with no characters to root for. Or maybe it’s that the worst thing in a slasher film is a tired explanation of the killer and their motivation for killing. Or maybe it’s a movie where all the characters are so dumb they might be considered “clinically retarded”. So, which one is it? It doesn’t matter, because There’s Someone Inside Your House has all three.

The foundation of There’s Someone Inside Your House is a bland “by-the-numbers” plot that you’ve seen before: someone is killing high school students who harbor deep, dark secrets. Okay, well, that’s basic, but with every simple idea comes a lot of wiggle room for writers to improvise and make it their own. I mean look at all the classic films of any genre: chances are they took an existing, familiar plot, but eschewed expectations by delivering a dash of originality.

So, what are the unique twists that There’s Someone Inside Your House adds to the tired formula? Absolutely nothing. That’s literally the entire plot. The individual plights of the characters are the only things that are filled in (and even they feel contrived and pointless).

It all centers on Makana, a girl who’s running away from her past and trying to move on after a terrible incident at a previous school. She moves to a different state with her “gam” (grandma), changes her last name to her mother’s maiden name, and hopes for a fresh start. Despite this, she knows that her secret - and the truth - could be revealed with a simple Google search…aaaah, the joys of the internet.

Meanwhile, several other classmates around her are being killed off, one-by-one, each one protecting an incident that they don’t want anyone else to know about. During most kills, the killer sends out texts to the entire student body (who all seem to have their phones in their hands at all times) showing the reasons that person is being targeted. Then, they swoop in and finish off their victim, who somehow always ends up alone no matter how many other people were around them just a few seconds prior. It’s lazy writing at its laziest.

Anyway, Makana knows that her time is coming, but how can she escape the grasp of a killer hellbent on destroying her? And just who is the person committing these heinous acts of terror? Is it Ollie, the creepy boy that everyone assumes is a sociopath, yet with whom Makana is having a fling? Is it someone in her close-knit group of mismatched friends? Is it one of many other people who are made to look suspicious at one point or another? Really, in the end, it doesn’t matter, because the vast majority of viewers will probably turn it off before making it that far.

The only genuinely unique twist is that the killer prints off masks of its victims (I’m trying to avoid eliminating suspects based on gender), which they use while killing. The idea that the last thing a person sees before dying is their own face is the stuff nightmares are made of. While it is a cool addition, it still feels wasted here, because the filmmakers seem unwilling to flesh it out any further; the idea that it’s caught in a horror film with comedic aspects also eliminates some of the genuine terror that could have been derived from such an idea.  

At the end of the day, all we’re left with is a movie that aspires to be just that: a movie. It exists only because Netflix is willing to throw large amounts of money at seemingly any idea that they feel can build (or at least maintain) their subscriber base. Maybe that’s what’s most frustrating of all: In all their virtually endless resources, they have the power to put unique, boundary-pushing films on their platform, giving a voice to talented filmmakers who would otherwise go unnoticed in the hustle and bustle of Hollywood. They can do whatever they want…and this is the type of project that they see potential in? Someone looked at this script and thought they had a winner on their hands?

God help us all.

RATING: 2/10.

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Holidate (2020)

Director: John Whitesell    
Writer: Tiffany Paulsen
Starring: Emma Roberts, Luke Bracey, Kristin Chenoweth, and Manish Dayal

There was one thought consistently running through my head while watching Holidate, Netflix’s latest no-doubt overpriced holiday romp: Emma Roberts is beautiful. As one who tends to avoid mainstream Hollywood fare (what can I say, I’m a cinematic snob), I can honestly say that I haven’t seen her in anything else before, but she has a natural beauty that I just couldn’t take my eyes off of; it also helps that she’s easily the best part of the movie, which can’t decide if it wants to be an “edgy” take on the romantic comedy, or just a straightforward formula follower.

Emma (I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re on a first name basis now) plays Sloane (apparently a very popular name in cheesy holiday flicks these days), a woman who is afraid of commitment following a break-up. Through her promiscuous Aunt Susan, she hears about the idea of a “holidate”: that is, a person that you bring around only on holidays to at least give the appearance that your love life is together. 

At a coffeeshop, she meets Jackson, a man who has similar reservations about love; he agrees to be her holiday partner all year long. And that’s what happens: through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even the less popular ones, they seem inseparable. And yet, at the end of the night, they separate, only to fall out of touch until the next one. Of course, though, things don’t go as planned when they start falling for each other—a process that gets drug out for so long, that the movie threatens to become boring. 

I think the issue here is that these characters clearly have some chemistry together right from the outset: their initial scenes together seem effortless, and adorable. This would have worked better if it took the place over one night, and followed the two as they slowly came to grips with the feelings they have for one another. But then, of course, you wouldn’t have the chance to throw in Sloane shitting all over herself, or seeing Aunt Susan’s latest holiday conquest, or have the annoying backstory of Sloane’s ex-boyfriend, who she can’t seem to get over, yet who seems to turn up everywhere with his new girlfriend. 

Of course, the idea is that “holidating” brings very little pressure, and thus the two are free to be themselves; once feelings start working their way in, that’s when the whole set-up is ruined, because it feels too much like commitment. But rather than embrace the chemistry of its stars, the movie goes out of its way to refute it. To an impossible, frustrating degree. At what point does denying something obvious no longer come off as cute, but just obnoxious? I’d say around the one-hour mark here…maybe even earlier. 

It all combines to form a movie that’s unnecessarily tough to watch, mainly due to the excessive denial of Sloane’s character, who is so stubborn and hard-headed that not even Jackson’s impassioned confession of love can win her over. Eventually, of course, she comes to her senses, but Holidate seems to take pride in throwing one obstacle after another towards her; that’s par for the course in these tales, but the problem is, they are all obstacles we’ve seen a thousand times in a thousand different romantic movies, and—despite the movie desperately wanting to prove to us how “edgy” and “independent” it is by smattering in profanities and promiscuous characters—it has nothing new to add or say about them. It’s like when Lady Gaga first "burst" onto the music scene: Remember when she wore meat dresses and over-the-top attire (no doubt picked out by stylists) and everyone was saying how “edgy” and “experimental” she was even though all her music was on soft rock radio stations? That kind of sums this one up: it tries so hard to show you that it’s not like other movies by using the "f" word in its opening line (a tacky tactic), but then doesn’t have the guts to be different anywhere else. 

One thing that did kind of shock me is just how little spoofery or self-awareness there is: it’s just your typical schmaltzy love-fest, only with the occasional “fuck” added (oh, and a sex scene; admittedly I’d be fine with more of those in these kinds of movies) to trick you into thinking it’s something more. This would have actually been the perfect foundation for an “anti-Christmas romance” movie, that spoofs the subgenre while still paying affectionate homage to it; instead it’s just as limp in the story department as most others. 

Honestly, the movie is carried by Ms. Roberts and Luke Bracey, as Jackson, who have great chemistry together. It’s just a shame that a big part of the movie consists of denying that connection just for the sake of following a tired formula that’s begging to be subverted. I guess that’s the opposite problem many of these movies suffer from, and that’s forcing you to care for two characters who clearly have nothing between them in “real life”, but it certainly doesn’t feel like a good problem for viewers, who may find themselves tuning out for large stretches of time. 

OVERALL RATING: 5/10

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Bad Match (2017)

Director: David Chirchirillo

Writer(s): Chirchirillo

Starring: Lili Simmons, Kahyun Kim, Noureen DeWulf, and Jack Cutmore-Scott

David Chirchirillo’s Bad Match is the kind of thriller where you just get the feeling that nothing is as cut and dry as it seems. The tale at its center—about a woman who “falls victim” to a completely consensual one-night stand and then won’t let go—is as conventional as they come, yet gradually we begin to realize there might be more to the story. The inevitable twist is both shocking, and—like the best of them—logical upon review, ending the film on a strong note. And while its strength can’t overpower a few weak scenes, Bad Match is still a movie that is way better than we were expecting.

Harris is a twentysomething hipster who works at a marketing agency. When he’s not at work, he’s either playing online video games, or using online dating apps to source some new pussy. Harris is the perfect kind of douchebag for the millennial era: good-looking and suave, he has bagging women down to a science. He is also the master of escape, sneaking out in the middle of the night to return home in time for a couple hours of sleep before having to get ready for work.

One night, he “matches” with a girl named Riley. Upon waking up to find him sneaking out, she attempts to get him to stay the night. When he refuses, she is more persistent than the others, although he still manages to worm his way out of it. That persistence is a little bit of foreshadowing that she’s not like the other girls, and sees dating apps more for what the name implies, rather than for what guys like Harris use them for.

The following morning, Harris wakes up to texts from Riley—they don’t stop when he’s at work, either. Or when he’s at home trying to get stuff done for a big project he’s working on…a project that’s forgotten once she sends him a suggestive picture. That’s all it takes for his annoyance to disappear, and he invites her over to his place this time, to have another session of wild intercourse. Bad move.

He has to get up for work. She turned off the alarm. He has a big meeting that day and is late. Too late, it turns out. She apologizes. He doesn’t have time to wait for her to leave, so he bolts off to work in a hurry, assuming she will follow through on her plan to take an Uber home. But we know things aren’t going to be that easy for poor Harris; we’re probably the only ones not shocked when Riley is still at his house when he returns home.

She continues to call him in the ensuing days, and he continues to ignore her. Things reach a fever pitch when she catches him at a bar—on a day he said he was sick—with a couple of friends, and overhears him describing her as sad and pathetic, among other things. Understandably, this doesn’t sit well with her, and she curses him out, swears him off, and storms out of the door. And this is when things really start to spiral out of control for poor Harris. He loses his job. He’s arrested on child pornography charges. Desperate for a confession from Riley to clear his name, he decides to take matters into his own hands.

Bad Match been declared an attack on toxic masculinity and dating apps; to agree to the former argument, one would have to dismiss some truly psychotic behavior from our “heroine”, yet merely calling it a takedown of dating app culture oversimplifies the film, calling to mind any number of tired attacks on the current climate of millennials and internet dating. Bad Match at least strives to be more than just your typical “woman goes crazy” thriller, and it largely succeeds, thanks to great performances from the cast, and the twist that brings it all together in the end. It’s slightly undone by some truly unbelievable sequences—as in, completely illogical actions that detract from the overall believability of the story—but these are thankfully kept to a minimum.

We had no ideas of what to expect going into it, with the movie being lumped in the “You May Also Like” section of Netflix with low-grade Lifetime-style schlock, but this is at least a suspense film with a brain.

RATING: 6/10

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