Writer(s): Blaine Chiappetta and Damon Tod Hill
Starring: Lexi Lawson, Mark Ghanimé, Beth Broderick and Cardi Wong
And the total landslide of shit holiday movies continues. How did I think we could have gotten away with having a whole season of “good” Christmas movies? Of course I should have known it would regress to the means at some point, but I didn’t know just how quickly things could backslide in such a short amount of time.
Admittedly, we were “forced” to watch this movie by accident, when my wife - who was just trying to read more information on it - accidentally “borrowed” it from hoopla. I mean, we could have easily just borrowed something else (our limit was recently upped to 14 borrows per month) and let this one go to waste, but we didn’t want to spend our library's hard-earned money for nothing, so we sucked it up and jumped right in. After all, it saved us several minutes of searching for something potentially better.
Spending that time would have been worth it, because this is one of those cheery movies that attempts to mask the irredeemable selfishness of its main character underneath the facade of holiday happiness. It asks us to care for a character that no one should care for, a bad actress, and a chemistry-less romance; any of those are potentially lethal combinations, but all of them together equals an unforgivable mess of cataclysmic proportions.
Lucy is a woman from L.A. (why is it always L.A.?) with a disappearing upper lip, who inherits her family's Christmas store following the death of her grandfather. So what does she plan to do with her grandfather’s pride and joy, which also happens to be the most beloved shop in the entire small town (why does it always have to be a small town?), and the one she used to help out with when she was a child? She’s going to sell it. All those precious memories down the fucking drain, with nary a second thought.
That’s the first fatal flaw: In any other movie, she would be presented as a selfish cunt who is only after her own interests. I mean, that’s exactly what she is. She’s selling the family heirloom simply because she loves her L.A. life and doesn’t want to give it up to take care of some shop that she has no interest in. Nevermind what everyone else thinks about it (including her grandfather, who must be rolling around in his grave): Her opinion is the only one that matters, and she wants to push this sale through as quickly as possible so she can get back to her busy California lifestyle. But since we are supposed to care for her and cheer for her to succeed, all of those negative traits are hidden under smiling faces and cheeriness.
So selfish is she that she never stops to even contemplate other options until the very end, like how she could hire someone to run the shop in her absence while she simply rakes in the dough as the owner while still living her best life in California. And, so dumb is she that she decides to create a website for a business that’s going to be closing down in two weeks. That's right: she puts all of the products online, giving them a web presence just in time for it to close down. Well, business clearly isn’t her strong suit. Great job, grandpa.
But of course things don’t go according to her plan. The year-round Christmas shop has a few tricks up its sleeve to prevent Lucy from selling, like Carol, the seasonal hire who seems to have some sort of magical powers (it doesn’t take long to figure out who she is). Oh, and the shop itself, which also harbors magical powers capable enough to ensure that every customer gets the perfect gift.
As if this isn't lame enough, there has to be the obligatory romance, which unfortunately isn’t all that interesting: Lucy’s beau here is Scott, the owner of a diner across the street. For whatever reason, he’s smitten by Lucy at first sight, and will do whatever he can to win her heart. Well, he’s willing to do everything except tell her how he feels. You know, because hiding your feelings is the best way to get a girl. She's also against the idea at first; remember she wants to get out of her hometown as quickly as possible, and doesn't have any time to entertain the thought of dating a smalltown boy!
Anyway, whatever. We all know how this one’s going to end. This is just another dull foray into the holiday romance subgenre that’s done in by a lead who’s not attractive enough to overcome her deeply-flawed personality, and a love story that takes second stage to the “drama” of her trying to sell the store. As if we're all on the edge of our seats wondering what will happen next.
Does anyone remember romance movies where love actually took center stage?
RANDOM OBSERVATIONS
- In the scene where Lucy’s mom gets out of the car at the end, why does she look like she’s in the middle of having a stroke?
- Why is everyone in town so cheery? Even though Lucy comes in simply to shut it down, and even though all of them are sad to see the store go, none of them harbor any ill will towards her. Even Randall, her co-worker, who knows he will be out of a job once the bitch’s deal goes through.
- The side story between Randall and the delivery girl is all sorts of cringe, adding another layer to a story that’s already cringe to begin with.
- Dig the Wix advertisement
- When yet another person questions her decision to create a website with the store closing in less than a month: “Why does everyone keep saying that?”
- How do ideas like this get greenlit?
- Have I mentioned how much I hate Lucy? She has to be one of the worst characters ever written in a holiday movie.
- I swear the director's only direction to all the elderly extras was: "Act as unconvincingly cheery as possible!" No person who's knocking on death's store is going to be filled with that much joy. Plus, we all know old people are entitled know-it-alls to think they deserve the world because they've lived in it for so long.
- That must be a pretty miserable closing sale: Despite their assurances to the contrary, there's a lot of inventory left on those walls.
ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10
TRAILER
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