CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Operation Christmas Drop (2020)

Director: Martin Wood
Writers: Gregg Rossen and Brian Sawyer
Starring: Kat Graham, Alexander Ludwig, Trezzo Mahoro, and Bethany Brown

Part U.S. military propaganda, part (well, mostly) cheesy holiday romance, Operation Christmas Drop tells the (true) story of the Department of Defense’s “longest running humanitarian mission, in which military personnel and civilians come together to gather supplies for people on isolated islands, and drop off large wooden crates full of food and other necessities. It provides a rather curious backdrop for a gag-inducing holiday romance in which Kat Graham (one of the most naturally beautiful actresses in Hollywood…or anywhere for that matter) plays Erica, a career-focused (!) woman trying to work her way up in Washington D.C.

She is sent on a mission from her superior, with the potential for promotion should her mission be successful: go to a beachside Air Force base, and—though it’s not really directly “spoken”—find enough reasons to justify shutting it down. Of course, this is over the Christmas holiday, which means she won’t be able to spend Christmas with her family; in a rare twist, she doesn’t really care, as she’s not too fond of her father’s new wife (of course, since parents can never just get divorced or separate in these movies—because that wouldn’t be Christian enough—her mother died three years ago).

Confident and hellbent on achieving her mission, she is caught off guard when her “escort” around the base is Andrew, an equally-confident, Christmas-obsessed Air Force captain who helps to oversee the annual Christmas Drop. As per usual, the two trade barbs at first, that quickly turn into sparks of romance; but will she choose to fight for what’s right, or phone in a report just to stay on the track to promotion?

Actually, fans of this type of cinematic endeavor might be a little disappointed, as the romance takes a backseat to Erica’s frantic attempts to save the campaign. Of course, the two do end up falling for each other, despite their initial misgivings, but chemistry-wise, they feel more like good friends rather than lovers destined to be together. And Erica’s sudden change from seeing the Christmas Drop as a waste of government resources, to being the main champion of the cause, is laughably abrupt, even for this kind of movie.

If there’s one thing we can count on from Netflix-produced romances, it’s that the acting will at least be above-average; Operation Christmas Drop doesn’t disappoint in that regard. The leads are charming and, even though I would say Alexander Ludwig (as Andrew) is not a very conventionally-attractive looking guy, he wins the viewer over with his laid-back personality. As I said, I don’t think they really explode chemistry, but they’re likeable and flow well together, even if it’s not in a lover kind of way.

Can I come back to the sustainability of Netflix as a whole? They’re dropping billions of dollars worth of money on content every year, but pulling in around $500 million in subscriber fees. There are no advertisements…how is this a sustainable business model? Just this movie alone cost $24 million to make—outside of the salaries for the cast and crew, I don’t see much more than $2 million on the screen.

At any rate, this is a rather ho-hum exercise in genre clichés that mostly manages to be cute, but does feature some anger-inducing clichés that would have been best left out. If this is your type of movie, you’ll probably find enough here to like. But thanks to its focus on an actual story rather than the relationship between its two main stars, this certainly won’t win over any Scrooge-types, and might not even win over most of its targeted demographic.

OVERALL RATING: 5.5/10

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• The random computer-generated gecko is probably the worst example of CGI since the early 2000s; clearly not enough was spent in areas where it was most needed.
• The “miracle” that occurs to save the day feels more like a quickly written cop-out, rather than an actual miracle.

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Hometown Holiday (2018)

Director: Justin G. Dyck
Writer: Amanda McNeice, based on the novel by Caro Carson
Starring: Sarah Troyer, Bradley Hamilton, Kevin McGarry, and Samantha Gracie

It happens every year: I forget a movie almost immediately after watching it. Most of the time, it’s because it’s instantly forgettable; sometimes, it’s just because I’m either tired, or have a lot on my mind. Hometown Holiday is such a movie, and it’s because it’s instantly forgettable.

The set-up of the movie is pretty weird, as it features a well-known country singer character, who is not the main love interest. Instead, it’s the agent trying to sign him to a lucrative deal (for both parties), who has traveled all the way from L.A. to a remote village in the hopes of getting him to sign his life away. That, along with the female side of the equation—one of two sisters who slowly falls head over heels with the talent agent, instead of the sister who knew the country singer back in high school—makes for a rather bizarre story.

At any rate, the first half of this schmaltzy crapfest is actually okay, with the unique story angle a nice change of pace. I actually felt like it was somewhat unpredictable—like we were watching the side stories of the characters in the millions of other “Country Christmas” movies where the “small town” country star is the one who falls for some beautiful woman that he used to know way back in the day, but whom he fell out of touch with (usually for a reason that’s his fault), and whom he must win back by writing an emotional song for, which he then performs in front of a large group of people to confess his love for said woman. Refreshingly, all that is kept to a minimum.

Unfortunately, the second half is just a rage-inducing mess that really is just frustrating beyond all measure. It’s like the characters are slipped a “retard” pill and completely act out of character just to fancy the whims of the poorly-written script. Because, of course, there has to be some drama, and this one has two instances of rather far-reaching drama: she gets upset because she finds out that he lied to her about being a rancher (no one knows he’s an agent from L.A. at first). But then—later on—we discover she wants to return to musical theater, a fact she keeps from him…that makes it seem like she’s just every other fame-hungry whore he’s ever dated. Come on peeps! Some communication would go a long way to eliminating these bad mix-ups!

And don’t even get me on the painful side story involving the agent and his girlfriend (who midway through becomes “ex” girlfriend), a fame-obsessed woman who constantly berates him for not sending in headshots like he promised, and leaves him for an older Asian man just because he will. Her scenes, I think, are meant to be over-the-top in a comedic way, but they’re actually “over-the-top” in a “I want to jump into the TV set and punch her in the face before jumping back out, breaking my TV with a hammer, and then throwing it out of a third story window” kind of way. I mean, it’s not like this movie really builds up much momentum to ruin it, but these scenes certainly deflate what little it does manage to save.

In one bright spot, thankfully, the main cast is good: Sarah Troyer (as Krista) has a natural beauty that creeps up on you—either that, or maybe the makeup artists did a better job understanding her face as the movie went on. Either way, I have to shallowly admit I was very disappointed in her casting choice in the beginning (“Ugh, couldn’t they have gotten someone hot if I have to stare at them for 90 minutes?!”) but by the end, she completely won me over in the looks department (her "too angelic for words" character, on the other hand, is another story altogether). Bradley Hamilton, as agent Ryan Rourke, meanwhile, has an understated “coolness” that works well for the part. He reminds me of a younger Josh Hartnett; not in looks, but in the cool, nonchalant way he delivers his lines. I suppose many may find his performance a little too one-note, or “bored”; I thought it was a unique interpretation of a popular L.A. agent, without resorting to the over-the-top antics that most of the characters in these movies would force on you (“Look at me, I’m popular and a douchebag and wearing sunglasses, and that’s how you know I’m supposed to be from L.A.!”)

Unfortunately, while separately they deliver solid performances, there really isn’t much chemistry between them; I think I’d believe them more as brother and sister than as two lovers meant to be together.

In the end, despite the star's best efforts, this one’s ultimately another dud; I don’t think it’s on par with some of the worst holiday shtick we’ve ever seen, but it’s got more in common with those than anything that I’d consider “good”.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Wait, didn't Krista inherit a family farm? How does she have time for, like, three different jobs and 10 different hobbies?
• In one scene so confusing that it almost comes off as brilliant, Ryan calls Krista after a disagreement, and then 30 seconds later claims he’s busy and that he has to go, as if she interrupted him.
•  The side story involving his headshot-obsessed girlfriend is as cringeworthy as they come.
•  So Krista was so popular in New York that fame “swallowed her up”, yet no one knows who she is, she doesn't feel the need to mention it until way later on, and she's so nervous in the teeny town of Buttfuck, New Jersey (or wherever this thing takes place) that she initially fails miserably?
• Note during the “party” scene, where the country star takes a kid’s drink away from him in order to put him to bed, and places it right next to four pre-filled cups of fruit punch that are untouched and available for people to take.
• Speaking of rage-inducing: That’s so fucking hilarious that the pregnant woman has such bad food cravings that she gets sidetracked in mid-thought; the "pussywhipped husband who supports his pregnant wife for fear of her sudden emotional outbursts" is also carried to vomit-inducing extremes here. 
• Have the writers ever actually seen a countryside, or met someone who owned a horse, in person before?
• Kids in these movies are almost always annoying. The one here is a little less so than most, but they're always the worst actors and usually impossibly ugly, yet people pretend like they're just the greatest little shits ever.

OVERALL RATING: 4.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Midnight at the Magnolia (2018)

Director: Max McGuire
Writers: Carley Smale
Starring: Natalie Hall, Evan Williams, Alison Brooks, and Steve Cumyn 

Midnight at the Magnolia is one of many variations on the standard “two people must pretend they’re together to accomplish something and then actually fall in love” theme that’s so prevalent during the holidays. Why are so many lame plotlines recycled over and over again almost verbatim? I get that studios want to churn them out as quickly as possible, but don’t these people get bored writing and directing and starring in the same movie over and over and over again? (Then again, I guess it’s all based on what audiences want, and apparently they never get sick of watching the same things over and over and over again.)

In this variation, Maggie and Jack are two radio DJ’s—and lifelong friends—who give dating advice on a wildly popular local radio show; so popular, in fact, that a satellite radio company is planning to pick them up and run them in syndication!

Long story short, the head of the satellite radio station wants to air a special show in which Maggie and Jack introduce their significant others to their parents (who both have also been lifelong friends and run a bar together called “Magnolia”), thinking that the potential drama could pull in massive ratings. But things quickly go south when both of their beau’s, a little put-off by being discussed so openly on radio, decide to call things off, leaving Maggie and Jack without anyone to introduce their parents to.

They initially suggest hiring actors, but figure that would get too messy. You know what won’t get too messy, though? Breaking the hearts of everyone around you, including your own parents (and even a dead mother!), when they find out that the only thing they’ve ever wanted turns out to be a fake event simply to boost ratings! Yeah, no way that could get out of hand, so let’s definitely pass on the more sustainable “paid actor” plan…

This is one of those movies that pushed and pulled me constantly in both directions, mainly because it’s just so stupid. Normally with these movies, I feel like that’s just par for the course and everyone gets what they deserve. But in this case, I actually kind of feel bad saying that, because the leads are adorable, especially Natalie Hall as Maggie (who has apparently already been pigeonholed as a romantic lead in cheesy holiday movies, and will thus never have a successful career outside of them). The two leads have good chemistry together, and actually feel like they’ve known each other for a long time.

Which also leads to the crux of my problems: for being so in tune with one another, they’re both apparently pretty stupid when it comes to picking up on signals. [Minor spoilers ahead] For example, one thing that haunts Maggie even to the present day was when Jack decided to take another girl to high school prom at the last second all those years ago. Why couldn’t she just tell him if they’re so comfortable with one another, and spend virtually every waking moment together? Or, even better yet, wouldn’t it be pretty obvious to even a complete idiot? [end minor spoilers]

Although working against that theory is Jack: like the movie’s script, he’s exceedingly dumb. This is a guy who needs everything spelled out for him in order to understand things—and even then he’s prone to obliviously missing the point. [More minor spoilers] Take, for instance, the aforementioned sequence where he dumped Maggie for another girl. His own parents told him how obvious it was that she was into him, and he never acted on it or took it seriously. Or the scene later when he stumbles on the girl he dumped Maggie for back in high school, and takes her up on an offer to have drinks together. Thankfully, she doesn't try to steal Jake away (surprisingly), but in fact, she's the one that has to explain to him just how heartbroken Maggie was, and how much she means to her. I mean, this girl knew that over a decade ago, but this moron couldn't figure it out for himself? [end more minor spoilers]

At any rate, the entire cast of characters are likeable, and they help to keep things tolerable at its worst, and entertaining at its peak. It's not a particularly good holiday movie, but if you just want an attractive cast and some background noise, this should set the appropriate mood.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Are the leftovers that Maggie offers Jack from the fridge early on really just lettuce and mashed potatoes, like it appears?
• Something I just realized: Do we ever even see Jack's girlfriend? We see her boyfriend/ex, but I don't think we ever even see the woman he was dating. (I could be wrong because it's been about 6 days since I've seen it, which is the equivalent of six years in normal movie years.)
• There really is some cute chemistry between the two leads; it's actually pretty believable they grew up together, for the most part.

OVERALL RATING: 5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Survival (aka Surviving Christmas With the Relatives) (2018)

Director: James Dearden
Writer: Dearden

Starring: Julian Ovenden, Gemma Whelan, Joely Richardson, and Michael Landes

Are we in a better mood than most holiday seasons, or are we just mentally imbalanced? This is the second movie that we’ve seen this holiday season that has gotten picked apart by critics (and, in most cases, audiences) that we have enjoyed.

The basic set-up of the plot, admittedly, is rather lazy: Rich relatives from America come to visit English relatives in a run-down cottage in the British countryside. Thankfully, though, the humor is (usually) much more than just watching rich characters complain about stepping in cow manure, or seeing live chickens running around (although there is plenty of that, too).

I will say that it does bite off a little bit more than it can chew: It feels as if writer/director James Dearden pictured a whole TV series based around it, and set out to fill the story with as many different intricacies as possible. That’s probably the movie’s weakest characteristic: for taking place on Christmas (and Boxing Day), there’s very little actual Christmas in it. Instead, it’s more the study of a dysfunctional family trying to keep things together, that just so happens to be based around Christmastime. And by having so many different characters involved in the plot, there are such large gaps between seeing some of them that we forget they're even a part of the movie.

The cast pulls things off marvelously, and once again, they’re the biggest reason we liked this movie as much as we did. Michael Landes is perfect as Trent, the rich douchebag who’s looking to sleep with anything he can—even if it’s not his wife; Joely Richardson is great as Lyla, Miranda’s sister, and a successful actress who may not be as successful—or as happy—as we originally think; and Gemma Whelan is great as Miranda, Lyla’s sister, and the beneficiary of the country house via her father’s will.

Maybe we’re just desensitized to cheesy holiday romance movies, and the sudden switch to a more straightforward comedy was a welcome change from the norm; whatever the reason, we enjoyed our time trying to survive this Christmas. There’s nothing new or unique—even a lot of the jokes are predictable—but but it’s all done pretty well, and sold by a cast that is uniformly above average.

With a little bit of trimmings (on the cutting room floor, not on the dinner table), this could have been a much more focused, much more enjoyable movie.

OVERALL RATING: 6/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Christmas Movie Christmas (2019)

Director: Brian Herzlinger
Writers: Brant Daugherty and Kimberly Daugherty
Starring: Brant Daugherty, Lana McKissack, Kimberly Daugherty, and Ryan Merriman

Here’s a movie with a promising plotline: A single woman obsessed with campy Christmas romance movies—and her grumpy sister—are magically transported to a town similar to the one in her favorite holiday picture, and then must join forces with the townsfolk to save Christmas when it’s threatened by…shit, I honestly don’t even remember. But it doesn’t really matter: all you need to know is that Christmas is being threatened.

First things first – and I’m sure part of this issue stems from the fact I’m just coming off of watching a Netflix holiday movie – but are the production values in these movies always so generic? I guess I’d never really noticed before, but it looks like it was shot for $20 using the director’s closest friends and family.

The biggest problem with A Christmas Movie Christmas is that it seems to completely forget its own premise; rather than being a “spoof”, or even a “homage” to cheesy holiday fare, it literally just becomes another one. There’s the occasional self-awareness, but those moments are few and far between and aren’t nearly exploited as often as they should be. What’s the point of having this setting when even the main characters forget what it is?

That’s why, despite the promising setup, this one is a sobering reminder of just how fucking godawful these movies can be. Exhibit A: The main character. I hate her. She goes from squealing with delight at the sight of everything in the village, to suddenly forgetting it’s all a movie, and then looking sad about everything when she pushes away her man and thinks she ruined the town’s annual Christmas festival. Honestly, her biggest problem is that she has a very punchable face, a fact only exacerbated by her overuse of it.

The sister is annoying in her own way, too, but she’s much easier to look at, and doesn’t overuse her facial muscles to the point of annoyance.

Not helping matters are the “love” interests are two of the worst I may have ever seen in a romance movie. The main character’s, Dustin, looks like a middle-aged father of three who’s constantly out cheating on his wife, or running up a tab at a local bar. To say that there is no chemistry between them is a vast understatement—this is definitely one of those movies where you couldn’t care whether or not the two leads get together at all.

The sister’s love interest is a ridiculously over-the-top guy who my wife referred to as a “puppy man”: he starts by leaving her dozens of notes throughout the town, which she initially finds to be creepy. So he changes that up by stalking her until she realizes she isn’t going to get anything else, and just accepts his advances. But he’s so…childish that I literally think he would qualify as being clinically retarded. Of course, the movie is probably trying to exaggerate his “sense of wonder” (and I have to admit that it's absurdly entertaining), but especially to be paired up with a character who has none of the same feelings about Christmas, it’s a rather forced (mis)match.

The ending is cobbled together, and makes even less sense than most of these movies—it’s a threadbare, completely illogical excuse to have a happy ending that’s more or less literally formed out of nowhere. It’s like the writers couldn’t be bothered to think of anything that fit, so they just winged it during filming; “unsatisfactory” doesn’t even begin to describe it on the most basic of all levels.

I suppose it was only a matter of time, but after getting off to a strong start, our holiday movie season has run into its first snag.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• What was the point of having the grumpy boss character? He was just completely pointless.
• Being a movie-within-a-movie doesn't help here: This is just a bad movie within a terrible one.
• I thought this might be a clever subversion of the subgenre; instead, it's just shit.
• Apparently, these characters think self-loathing is a very attractive quality.
• You know you've done something wrong when the grandma character is by far the best one in the entire movie.
• Why does the dumb kid always sound like she has a cold?
• How come in almost every scene where there's a "famous musician" on stage in these movies, they're almost always alone on the stage with an acoustic guitar, yet the music that comes out features a full band? Where's the drummer and bassist hiding?
• For being obsessed with these kinds of movies, Eve is pretty clueless as to how they work.
• That explains some things: the writers of this mess are also two of the main stars.

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OVERALL RATING: 3/10

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Holidate (2020)

Director: John Whitesell    
Writer: Tiffany Paulsen
Starring: Emma Roberts, Luke Bracey, Kristin Chenoweth, and Manish Dayal

There was one thought consistently running through my head while watching Holidate, Netflix’s latest no-doubt overpriced holiday romp: Emma Roberts is beautiful. As one who tends to avoid mainstream Hollywood fare (what can I say, I’m a cinematic snob), I can honestly say that I haven’t seen her in anything else before, but she has a natural beauty that I just couldn’t take my eyes off of; it also helps that she’s easily the best part of the movie, which can’t decide if it wants to be an “edgy” take on the romantic comedy, or just a straightforward formula follower.

Emma (I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re on a first name basis now) plays Sloane (apparently a very popular name in cheesy holiday flicks these days), a woman who is afraid of commitment following a break-up. Through her promiscuous Aunt Susan, she hears about the idea of a “holidate”: that is, a person that you bring around only on holidays to at least give the appearance that your love life is together. 

At a coffeeshop, she meets Jackson, a man who has similar reservations about love; he agrees to be her holiday partner all year long. And that’s what happens: through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even the less popular ones, they seem inseparable. And yet, at the end of the night, they separate, only to fall out of touch until the next one. Of course, though, things don’t go as planned when they start falling for each other—a process that gets drug out for so long, that the movie threatens to become boring. 

I think the issue here is that these characters clearly have some chemistry together right from the outset: their initial scenes together seem effortless, and adorable. This would have worked better if it took the place over one night, and followed the two as they slowly came to grips with the feelings they have for one another. But then, of course, you wouldn’t have the chance to throw in Sloane shitting all over herself, or seeing Aunt Susan’s latest holiday conquest, or have the annoying backstory of Sloane’s ex-boyfriend, who she can’t seem to get over, yet who seems to turn up everywhere with his new girlfriend. 

Of course, the idea is that “holidating” brings very little pressure, and thus the two are free to be themselves; once feelings start working their way in, that’s when the whole set-up is ruined, because it feels too much like commitment. But rather than embrace the chemistry of its stars, the movie goes out of its way to refute it. To an impossible, frustrating degree. At what point does denying something obvious no longer come off as cute, but just obnoxious? I’d say around the one-hour mark here…maybe even earlier. 

It all combines to form a movie that’s unnecessarily tough to watch, mainly due to the excessive denial of Sloane’s character, who is so stubborn and hard-headed that not even Jackson’s impassioned confession of love can win her over. Eventually, of course, she comes to her senses, but Holidate seems to take pride in throwing one obstacle after another towards her; that’s par for the course in these tales, but the problem is, they are all obstacles we’ve seen a thousand times in a thousand different romantic movies, and—despite the movie desperately wanting to prove to us how “edgy” and “independent” it is by smattering in profanities and promiscuous characters—it has nothing new to add or say about them. It’s like when Lady Gaga first "burst" onto the music scene: Remember when she wore meat dresses and over-the-top attire (no doubt picked out by stylists) and everyone was saying how “edgy” and “experimental” she was even though all her music was on soft rock radio stations? That kind of sums this one up: it tries so hard to show you that it’s not like other movies by using the "f" word in its opening line (a tacky tactic), but then doesn’t have the guts to be different anywhere else. 

One thing that did kind of shock me is just how little spoofery or self-awareness there is: it’s just your typical schmaltzy love-fest, only with the occasional “fuck” added (oh, and a sex scene; admittedly I’d be fine with more of those in these kinds of movies) to trick you into thinking it’s something more. This would have actually been the perfect foundation for an “anti-Christmas romance” movie, that spoofs the subgenre while still paying affectionate homage to it; instead it’s just as limp in the story department as most others. 

Honestly, the movie is carried by Ms. Roberts and Luke Bracey, as Jackson, who have great chemistry together. It’s just a shame that a big part of the movie consists of denying that connection just for the sake of following a tired formula that’s begging to be subverted. I guess that’s the opposite problem many of these movies suffer from, and that’s forcing you to care for two characters who clearly have nothing between them in “real life”, but it certainly doesn’t feel like a good problem for viewers, who may find themselves tuning out for large stretches of time. 

OVERALL RATING: 5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Holly Star (2018)

Director: Michael A. Nickles    
Writer: Nickles
Starring: Katlyn Carlson, Brian Muller, Teya Patt, and Pamela Chabora

It’s only the second movie we’ve watched this holiday season, but it’s hard to imagine anything that follows topping Holly Star—this might just be the quintessential cheesy holiday movie; a near-perfect romp through formulaic territory that’s genuinely funny, legitimately charming, and that somehow feels fresh.

The plot is mostly typical: Sloan is a puppeteer (?) who is fired from her job; without a place to stay, she travels to her parents’ home—only to discover they’re out of town on a trip. No worries, though, because her old stomping grounds feature a large cast of characters that she grew up with, like best friend (and paintball aficionado) Kay K; her “young at heart and mind and body” grandmother, who lives in a senior care facility that she also apparently runs; and Andy, her childhood friend who returns home once a year to help his parent’s run a Christmas tree farm. Honestly, it’s my nightmare collection of characters (there aren’t many things I hate more in movies than the grandma character with boundless energy who acts like a young person for comedic effect; that’s up there with “fat person dancing” as the cheapest, laziest, and unfunniest of all clichés), but somehow they never become annoying; I think it also helps that—with the exception of Teya Patt’s Kay K—the overacting is kept to a bare minimum, which at least helps to ground it more in “reality”.

But there’s also another piece to Sloan’s puzzle: Every time she gets close to death (and it oddly happens more than once), she has flashbacks to her childhood, when she witnessed Santa Claus burying a bag full of money. She becomes virtually obsessed with finding the location of that bag, even going so far as to planning out her own near-death experience (with the help of Kay K), in an effort to stir up further memories. But is it the treasure that she’s really after? Or is Santa leading her to something that’s worth far more than money?

We all know how it’s going to end up: the refreshing part is how it goes about getting there. The story weaves its way through drunken Santa pub crawls, nursing home tango nights, and dickish impound lot managers, but never once loses its footing. It approaches—and perhaps even surpasses—“over-the-top” territory, but it never feels forced; it never feels like the material is getting out of control, the way it often does with these kind of movies, which seem to be quickly-produced in an effort to maximize earning potential.

The disparate, mismatched plot elements sound like they would be a certifiable mess (and they technically should be), but somehow, like most everything else, it just works: this is one of those ultra-rare holiday movies that isn’t just enjoyable for “what it is”; it’s enjoyable, period. The casting is spot-on, the writing is almost pitch-perfect, and the use of puppets (courtesy of Figures of Speech) is an inspiring, artsy gamble that will no doubt turn off as many as it impresses. Maybe most importantly: it’s actually funny, and with a unanimously likable cast.

It also doesn’t hurt that Katlyn Carlson’s Sloan is absolutely adorable. It can’t be easy hiring the leads for a holiday romance, because I’m finding in order for them to “work” the best, they have to be attractive, but not overly so; they must also balance the looks with a certain level of “girl (or boy) next door” innocence. Again, it can’t be too much (I loathe the movies where the filmmakers go out of their way to make the main character too perfect, and too oblivious to everything), which is why it’s actually tougher than it would seem, and why a large portion of these movies disappoint upon execution. There needs to be something good to look at, almost as a distraction while you swallow the same plot lines and one-dimensional characters for the millionth time.

Sloan strikes that perfect balance: she’s attractive by looks alone, but not in a way that I would consider “conventional”: she’s not a supermodel, but nor is she “plain”. She has a look that’s all…her. Factor in her laid-back attitude, and she becomes a woman that even I would marry; that certainly makes it a lot easier to root for characters when you actually feel some kind of connection.

If I had to pick the “weakest link” of the story, I would say this probably isn’t one that will cater to true fans of Christmas romances; there are so many plot devices that the romantic element feels like a recurring theme, moreso than the focus. There aren’t really true “sparks” between the characters, either, because they are given shockingly little screentime together; there were more than a couple parts where I legitimately forgot I was watching a romance, simply because that part of the story frequently seems to be on the backburner. That being said, though, the romantic elements don’t feel “forced”, and the two leads are cute together—while there might not be mind-blowing chemistry, their personalities fit well, and they seem like they would be a good match.

I guess that’s why this movie worked for me: I’m certainly not the main demographic for these movies, because I often find the romance parts to be the least compelling. Holly Star has enough plot for two or three typical romance movies, and because of that, the “love” story seems to be put on the backburner more often than not. I’d assume this viewpoint was just limited to me if my wife—who legitimately does find excitement in the “romantic” aspects of these movies—loved it just as much as I did.

So why the lower-than-average rating on IMDb? I’m not quite sure, but it leads me to believe you have to have an open-mind, and a tolerance for a movie that’s willing to mess around with the straightforward linear formula expected of these movies. It doesn’t tweak it much, but enough that it might turn off diehard fans of the gag-inducing straightforwardness of the romance movies of old. And in its wake, it leaves a refreshing holiday romance that might be light on “romance”, but that makes up for it with loads of charm, humor, and puppets.

Who knew that combination could ever combine to form the best cheesy holiday romance movie we’ve ever seen?

RATING: 9/10

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SIDE NOTE: The film's director breaks down the shooting of this movie, which was - like many other holiday productions - shot on a low budget. This article from Moviemaker.com is a fascinating read for those interested on topics from the other side of the camera; he also doesn't come off as an irritating douchebag like I thought he might.

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Catch (2018)

Director: Justin G. Dyck
Writer: Patrick McBrearty
Starring: Emily Alatalo, Andrew Bushell, Franco Lo Presti, and Genelle Williams

It’s the holiday season, which means it’s about time to decorate the tree, listen to festive music, drink hot chocolate, and of course, cuddle up in front of the television to watch some horrible Christmas movies! Which one would get the honors of kicking off the 2020 season for us? It was a rather lengthy process, but we decided to skip the more popular recent releases to find one that sounded so absolutely awful that it had a greater chance of dampening our Christmas spirit, rather than heightening it.

And that one we settled on was Christmas Catch, about a rather inept female police detective nicknamed Mack (short for McKenzie), who is literally ordered by the FBI to date a man suspected of stealing a valuable jewel (when was this story written, the 1920’s?) Considering she’s desperate for Mr. Right (we’re talking “desperate” to a level almost unmatched by any other Christmas movie character in history), she revels at the chance—but then starts to question her motives when she genuinely falls for him. Much of the common holiday romance hijinx ensue in a story that should be mostly familiar to anyone who’s ever seen one.

But Christmas Catch does have a couple tricks up its yuletide sleeve, including a twist that I admit caught me totally off guard, and that briefly takes the material into Lifetime mystery territory. It’s also notable for allowing two main characters of the opposite sex to just be friends: in this case it’s Mack and her partner Reid, an attractive, straight male whom she is forced to live with while they stake out the suspected diamond bandit. Not once are there ever romantic overtures from either, which is both unexpected and refreshing.

The performances are pretty good overall: Emily Alatalo has acting chops to match her looks, and dominates the picture as Mack, the bumbling detective-turned-dater. While much of her performance is standard fare, she does have a couple of emotional breakdowns toward the end that are startlingly  realistic; so much so that they almost feel out of place in an otherwise silly, lighthearted romp. Yanic Truesdale, who many may remember as Michel Gerard, the hotel owner from a little show called “Gilmore Girls”, also deserves some praise, delivering a noteworthy performance within a limited amount of screentime.

It’s not all snowshowers and rainbows, though: Captain Bennett, who is Mack’s boss, also happens to be her mother. She is one of those insufferable mother characters so pervasive in these movies; so nosey in her daughter’s life that it becomes creepy. The movie also milks jokes about Mack’s hapless dating life well beyond the point of normalcy; it doesn’t ever come off as cruel (mainly because she’s a good sport about the ribbing), but it’s a pretty redundant topic for the first half-hour that thankfully dies down once the story gets rolling. And Genelle Williams (as FBI Special Agent Robertson) is completely miscast, failing to deliver the grit and confidence that her character requires.

However, Christmas Catch actually defies those odds to become an above-average example of the genre: it’s charming enough to overcome most of its faults, tweaks the predictability formula enough to include some genuine surprises, and actually features some genuinely funny moments. It takes longer to get going than it should, but once it does, it’s a solid example of the "holiday cheese" subgenre.

RATING: 6/10

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SIDE NOTE OF PERTINENT INTEREST TO ME: The director of this, who's filmography reads like he's the son of the president of Hallmark, has completely broken mold, crafting a horror movie titled Anything for Jackson, about a Satanist couple who try to bring back their dead son...with horrifying consequences. Just tossing that out there, in case there are fellow lovers (or avid haters) of cheesy romance movies that also happen to love the horror genre.

The Mortuary Collection (2019)

Director: Ryan Spindell
Writer: Spindell
Starring: Clancy Brown, Caitlin Custer, Christine Kilmer, and Jacob Elordi

Anthologies are one of those things that tend to get a bad rap, but are no worse than any other horror subgenre. Maybe that’s an old-fashioned thought, because there have been quite a few lately that have released to strong acclaim, but overall, they still seem like the red-headed stepchild of the horror world.

As seems to be the case with the “modern” anthology, all of the four story threads are interlinked by one underlying segment about an undertaker whose normal day is interrupted by a young female looking for a job. Or is she? Or is he? Unsurprisingly, nothing is what it seems…but then again, this is a horror movie, so between that fact and the brief synopsis, we pretty much know that going in.

In the “warm up” segment, a sea monster lives in someone’s medicine cabinet. While this one is ultimately very pointless (it’s less than ten minutes in length and has no narrative set up whatsoever), it does end up being the best story of the bunch. Make of that what you will.

The second one concerns a handsome fraternity brother who gets his kicks by sleeping with women. One day he meets a mysterious one who seems to be his match, but it’s obvious that things aren’t right with her. Before you know it, they meet at a party where they hit it off; before you know it they’re getting down and dirty in an upstairs bedroom. She gives him a condom to put on, but in true douchebag fashion, he fakes it—only to discover that was the worst mistake of his life.

So, what happens to our poor lad? Does he get some kind of deadly STD? Turn into some kind of monster, so that his physical appearance matches his inner persona? No, no, you’re still way off; the reality is much, much stupider than anything you could probably come up with, which certainly does set a fitting tone for the remaining stories. I’m sure this story is getting praised for reversing gender stereotypes, and having a womanizing man put in his place, but a bad story is still a bad story, no matter who the perpetrator is.

In the third one, a man who loves his wife is devastated by the mounting debt and frustrations of caring for her after she suffers head trauma in an accident. Looking for an easy way out, he is given some pills by her caring physician, capable of putting her out of her misery. But things don’t quite go as planned for the man, who is trapped with her body in a malfunctioning elevator…

The fourth and final story is different in that it is told not by the mortician, but by the woman visitor; if you didn’t suspect something was up with her by now, the fact she’s telling a story of her own is…well…telling. In it, she recounts the story of a child’s corpse (which, for the squeamish out there, is never shown) and the role she played in it: she was the babysitter the night the child was murdered. Her over-the-top battle with the serial killer is the focus of this one, which ends with a twist that’s as tired as it is rather impractical and uninteresting.

The last one has to deal with our mortician, as we learn his true identity. What? He’s not what he seems to be? What? Neither is she? Wow, could not see either of those things coming from the opening setup. Oh, wait…that was it? That’s the reason we sat through the whole thing? Christ.

The stories are high in production quality but rather low in entertainment value: the focus on laughs rather than chills gives it all a more “lighthearted” feel that mostly just feels like a copout to the material. There’s some rather dark subject matter at play here, such as child murders and assisted suicides, but it’s all handled so sheepishly so that none of it has any impact whatsoever. Seriously, if you have a story in which a child is killed, and my wife is not the slightest bit affected, you have done something completely wrong.

It's not that tackling these issues or obliterating taboos is wrong; in fact, I quite support it (within reason). However, why make them the focus when you’re too soft-hearted to go for the gut? These stories could be just as impactful (which is to say, not at all) without the directors trying to pretend that they’re edgier and more hardcore than they have any interest in actually being; it’s like the schoolyard bully, who can talk a good game, but then gets his ass kicked whenever someone steps up to face him.

I must say though, even as the stories failed to hold my interest, the visuals stepped up; it’s not really flashy in its visual approach, but it just…looks like a legitimate movie. That might sound like a knock to the genre, but let’s be real here, many horror movies are produced as kind of an afterthought; an easy attempt to cash in on the teenaged audiences looking to cuddle up with their boyfriends or girlfriends and have a good scare in the process. For being a movie that went straight to video (or rather, straight to Shudder), this one has all the quality of a big-budget studio movie. It looks like it belongs in a theater; maybe that was the plan before the world took a turn to shit, but regardless, this is a movie that looks like no expense was spared.

The acting is also a strong suit: I didn’t really find myself caring for any of the characters, but that has nothing to do with the actors themselves, who no doubt do as they were told to do. Again, it’s nice to see that the horror genre seems to be gaining momentum with audiences. It used to be that actors would take the roles for easy cash, knowing they could just phone it in, and no one would really care.

Now, though, actors seem to be taking horror movie roles because they want to; that might also have to do with horror’s recent trend of giving female characters more to do than just bare their tits, or scream as loud and high-pitched as they possibly can. Good for them. It’s a change that’s long overdue, and one that should lead to even more positive attention shed on a genre that’s certainly deserving of it.

Now if only the brunt of that attention could be focused on movies that aren’t this one, that would be even better.

OVERALL: 3.5/10

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The Cleansing Hour (2019)

Director: Damien LeVeck
Writer(s): LeVeck and Aaron Horwitz, from a story by Horwitz
Starring: Ryan Guzman, Kyle Gallner, Alix Angelis, and Chris Lew Kum Hoi

Maybe it’s a little unfair, but nothing is more disappointing than a movie sucking that you had high hopes for. Of course, critique is supposedly all about being as unbiased as possible, but it’s impossible to go into every single viewing with the same mindset: some movies we know a lot about heading into it, while others we know nothing but the title. Modern trailers are becoming an increasingly big factor—what once seemed to exist to give the viewers a taste of what they could expect, modern trailers seem to either give away too much, or to mislead people into believing they’re getting something they’re not.

It was with excitement we sat down to a viewing of The Cleansing Hour, a Shudder original film. Shudder originals, like anything else, can be hit or miss, but based on the few I’ve seen, I’d say they have a higher success rate than other companies: at the very least, they seem to have their finger on the pulse of their fanbase. Unfortunately, The Cleansing Hour is one of those “misses”—one where I spent almost the entire final hour wishing for it to be over (sure, I could have just stopped it, but where’s the honor in that?) It’s not nearly as clever as it thinks it is, nor is it even remotely funny; it’s just a blending of several horror standards into one equally clichéd monstrosity. It’s kind of like the film equivalent of watching your best friend awkwardly try to hit on some girl you know you could get: you just watch helplessly from afar, cringing at each stupid decision, unable (or unwilling) to help him out because he’s in so deep, nothing could dig him back out. You know full well nothing good will come of it, yet you’re unable to look away.

Ryan Guzman is Max, a preacher who performs exorcisms on a popular online video platform to thousands of adoring fans. His sidekick is Drew, a lifelong friend who, along with his fiancé Lane, run the behind-the-scenes while Max glows in the spotlight. It doesn’t take long to see why he’s so popular, as he looks closer to a supermodel than a man of the cloth; it’s not surprising to learn that he’s a hit with the ladies. It also doesn’t take much to see why Lanie is quitting the show, and urging her soon-to-be-husband to do the same; he seems to be too caught up in himself, and his own affairs, to consider anyone else. Oh, and he’s also a fraud, something that is reiterated to us time and time again, whether he’s setting up another elaborately staged exorcism, or sleeping with one of the women following him around (so much for a vow of celibacy, eh?)

Anyway, as you can also tell from the brief synopsis, things go from bad to gradually worse: the actor in tonight’s exorcism is a no-call no-show (actually attacked in an alley by a monster, I guess?), leaving the duo scrambling to find a replacement. And that replacement is a reluctant Lanie, who has no interest in performing in front of the camera on her last day. Alas, true love prevails, as her fiancé coaxes her into doing it.

But things quickly go off the rails as Lane is actually possessed by a demon, who holds the duo captive, and forces them to admit their deepest secrets if they want to make it out alive. It all leads up to a ridiculous CGI confrontation with an evil entity hellbent on destroying the duo, all in the name of Satan!

If that sounds ridiculous, that’s because it is. If that sounds good, well then I’m sorry for misrepresenting it.

I guess we have to give director Damien LeVeck credit for ambition: the story spans several countries and tries to make social statements about everything from televangelists to social media stars; the issue is, the targets are already so well-known and overdone, that it all feels tired right out of the gates. Pair that up with the standard exorcism staples (telekinesis, vomiting, foul mouth, infinite knowledge…at least there’s no head spinning), and you have a movie that tries to deliver way more than it comfortably can. Even the “admit all your sins” approach the demon takes feels like a stale retread of countless other films; it botches itself even further by offering no real revelations worth a damn, instead making it all feel like the pointless waste of time that it is. Wow, so he’s a fraud? We already know that from reading the basic plot outline included in the marketing materials, or by watching the trailer. There’s also some muck dredged up about a past relationship that is supposed to be a bombshell revelation—but that merely comes across as a slight fizzle.

The one area where Cleansing Hour excels are in the performances. Not all of them are good, but the main cast deliver some solid chops that feel out of place here, given the oftentimes amateurish material.  Alix Angelis as Lane steals the show—she’s required to strike a balance between aggressor and victim, and manages to do so without looking stupid. That’s a pretty big feat. Ditto that for Kyle Gallner as Drew, Lane’s boyfriend, who is forced to watch helplessly from the sidelines as the unfortunate situation plays out right in front of his very eyes.

It’s a feeling the viewer knows all too well.

OVERALL RATING: 4/10

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