MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: Deadly Matrimony (aka He Loved Them All; aka Vows of Deceipt) (2018)

Director: Jake Helgren
Writer(s): Helgren, and Emily Nye
Starring: Katherine Bailess, Damon Dayoub, Ali Cobrin, and Tiffany Hines

The “best” Lifetime movies are the ones that look like they're not even trying. Whereas in most contexts where that's a positive thing, that would mean that the movie looks and feels great, but that everyone involved has a natural talent that just makes it look so smooth and effortless; in the world of Lifetime, where even the good movies suck, that just means that literally, no one involved looks like they knew what they were doing, and couldn't be bothered to figure it out.

Enter Deadly Matrimony (aka Vows of Deceipt, or He Loved Them All), which is certainly a contender for one of the “worst” Lifetime movies ever made: an idiotic labyrinth of twists and turns that nevertheless might still be gripping were they not executed with pitch-perfect incoherence, and a fundamental misunderstanding of basic logic. But while it may not be “gripping” in the sense that it's a thriller and we're supposed to be glued to our seat trying to figure it all out, it's a jaw-dropping exercise in moviemaking futility; a movie so near-perfect in its ineptitude that it functions as self-parody.

The nonsense starts off right away, when we learn that Sara has just tied the knot with the man of her dreams, a man whom she has known for a whopping three months. Okay...I guess quick marriages are a thing these days, so one can forgive an impressionable 18-year-old for falling in love for the first time and being taken along for a ride she thinks will last forever. Only, Sara is not 18...she looks to be in her thirties (but apparently is only 28). Oh. Even worse: she's an attorney who works on litigation cases. Okay, so she has a career where she has to research people, but never stops to look into the man she's marrying off-the-cuff? (PRO TIP: If you have to ask three different people if you're rushing into something, you've just answered your own question.)

That man is Leo, a suave and sophisticated con man who has an answer for everything. Unfortunately, he's also the type of con man who leaves incriminating evidence everywhere, and so it isn't long before another woman named Melinda appears at her doorstep, offering Sara some juicy information: Leo also goes by the name Sam. And Sam/Leo is also married to Melinda. Whoa, things are heating up pretty quickly here!

Apparently, our protagonist has a history of marrying woman under various names, drains their bank accounts, and then flees onto the next victim. Sometimes, he also kills them, presumably when they (rightfully) realize they've been used and confront him. I can't imagine a person who wouldn't notice that their accounts have been completely drained, nor could I imagine anyone not at least contemplating that it might be the person you don't know that you just married, who went on a vacation before you could even honeymoon, but hey, maybe he's that charming.

Conveniently, and true to his MO, Leo is out of town on business, giving Sara and Melinda plenty of time to network with Cindy, a model and another past wife of his who wants to see him stopped. So our wronged trio gather at Sara's house to put a plan in place, only to discover that the place where he currently “lives” probably isn't the best place to make a plan to capture him. Oh, they also discover that he isn't out of town after all, but watching their every move—sometimes from literally three feet away—and he will stop at nothing to ensure that his plan will continue until he is able to marry, and then steal from, every single woman in the world!

So, what is their brilliant plan? They track down yet another woman—apparently the only one that ever turned down his out-of-the-blue marriage proposal—and convince her to marry Leo/Sam, during which time they will exact their revenge. I'm sorry...what? Wouldn't that be a red flag to a conniving lifetime criminal that a random woman you proposed to months ago just suddenly changed her mind about marriage, and wants to go through with a ceremony without getting to know you again? Actually, wouldn't that be a red flag to anyone? Also, how do all of these women apparently live within a few miles of each other? Call me crazy, but wouldn't you want to spread your marriages out as far as possible in order to maximize the odds that you will get away with it, at least long enough to skip the country, or something? Why, I'm starting to think the reason he's gotten away with it for so long isn't because he's smart, so much as his victims are complete morons.

Oh man, where oh where do I even start? This is exhaustively bad in ways that I never imagined possible from a movie with a budget over $100. Each and every character is somehow stupider than the last, up to and including the suave conman who apparently is so smooth, he's constantly leaving incriminating evidence out in the open. In one unforgettable moment, he even shows how ruthlessly evil he is....by turning the thermostat up to 86 in someone's house. What kind of heartless person would leave a family sweltering in a temporary state of mild discomfort? That bastard!

Then there are the women, who are on such a heightened state of alert out of life-or-death fear that one of them somehow doesn't notice him watching her set the alarm through the front door from three feet away (no exaggeration, either). And, does not one of them ever stop to realize that staying in a house where he has a functioning key to gain entry to is probably the worst possible idea for them?  (Thankfully for him, though, they can't even be bothered to lock the door to begin with.) And, of course, let's not forget the initial fact that they all agreed to marry a guy that they literally knew nothing about.

It's a reverse masterpiece, a nearly “perfect” combination of inept writing and directing that doesn't come along very often. If you're even marginally interested in bad movies, this is one you should go out of your way to check out.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS 

• A necklace will strangle someone to death in all situations, no matter how much leverage a person on top of you with a complete death grip of your neck may have.
• Someone should alert characters in these movies that virtually all smartphones ever made come standard with the ability to block numbers. ("Why does this number that I keep ignoring keep calling me?")
• It's hard to look intimidating when you're holding a teeny gun. Even harder when the gun doesn't work.
• A character falls over with a gunshot wound despite there being no actual sound of the gun going off.
• Anyone can make a Lifetime movie in spirit. But no matter how bad they are, how the hell are they always shot well and look so polished? Isn't there a way to ensure that same quality across the remaining cast and crew members?

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 8/10

TRAILER

MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: The Art of Murder (aka Paint by Murder) (2018)

Director: Alex Merkin
Writer(s): Travis Betz and Blaine Chiappetta
Starring: Alexxis Lemire, Mercer Boffey, Jordi Vilasuso, and Mark Krenik

At the risk of sounding snobbish, I would venture to say that much of the media we consume on a daily basis is meant to be forgotten. We watch the news, are bombarded with dozens upon dozens of stories (most of them probably depressing) and by the end, how many of them do you honestly remember or take to heart? Probably not many. We get online and are bombarded with ad after ad, or spend hours watching YouTube videos, and how many of those honestly have a positive effect on us long after we view them? Probably...well...none. For most “content creators”, the entire point of making content is to make money: they create a video or something else they can monetize, people watch it, and the more views it gets, the more they make. Aside from repeat views, there are no bonuses for making truly lasting emotional content, and so much of the drivel we are subjected to is “single serve” content, meant to be consumed instantly, then forgotten about: whether or not you enjoyed it doesn't matter.

Although The Art of Murder (aka the laughable Paint by Murder) was made by a studio as opposed to a social media star, the end result still feels the same: an instantly-forgetting “thriller” whose sole redeeming quality is its attractive leading lady. I will freely admit, I have a pretty bad attention span and a frustrating inability to remember even important things in life, but this movie was completely erased from my mind by the time I went to bed, not an hour after finishing it. But this time, as it turns out, it was not simply a case of my lackluster brain failing me: within 24 hours, my wife struggled to remember a single thing about it, taking about a minute before parts finally came back to her.

I (believe I) have said it before: The only thing worse than a bad movie is an indifferent one. A great movie can feel almost literally like a new love, setting your heart aflutter and giving you a unique sense of satisfaction; a bad movie may leave you in a terrible mood, with your blood boiling, but at least it gets a reaction. Hell, memories of it might even stay with you longer than some good movies, even if it is for all the wrong reasons (i.e. the “pancake” scene in Cabin Fever, one of the worst scenes of any movie ever made).

But a movie that causes feelings of “indifference” is...just there. It doesn't entertain you while you're watching it, and while it doesn't necessarily bore you either, it leaves absolutely no lasting impression upon you once over. It's like a straight line from beginning to end; a casual acquaintance in your life who could die and you would never even notice they were gone. And isn't being forgotten even worse than being despised? For many people, all that we leave behind once we're gone are memories; when those are gone, it's like we never even existed.

The plot involves the attractive girl, creatively named Kate Miller (and played by Alexxis Lemire, who is temptingly just one "x" short from a much more lucrative career), who is the assistant for an art gallery. She meets an older hunk who has a plethora of paintings painted by his grandfather, along with one rare piece: an original Vermeer for which there are no other known copies in existence. She becomes romantically entangled with him (read: they fuck), which leads to a moral dilemma: should an assistant be sleeping with a potential client? That question becomes even more loaded and urgent when it comes to light that the paintings—and some people involved—might not be what—or who—they are pretending to be...

If I have to say something positive, I will say the acting is slightly above-average overall: I mean, no one's putting on an acting clinic, but most do turn in performances that are way too good for the material...

...which is terrible. Even if you don't watch the trailer—which you probably shouldn't do if you want to watch it because it literally gives away absolutely everything about the plot—you'll still know pretty much the entire story, and who's responsible for what by the ten-minute mark. This is another problem with the MarVista “ecosystem”, where there seem to be just enough characters to take the plot from point A to point B. That might be great for reining in the budget (which, I assume, is the point), but it does mystery films no favors: there aren't even enough characters here to give you a red herring if the writers (yes, there are two) were motivated enough to even try (spoiler: they weren't). In fact, I'm pretty sure it's taken me longer to write this than it took them to come up with the complete cast of characters and storyline.

If, after reading this, you somehow—against all logic and fair warnings—still have the urge to experience this movie for yourself, all I ask is that you do yourself one favor: Don't. Watch the trailer instead, which functions as a two-minute recap and is even more entertaining than watching the idea being thinly padded out to 90 minutes.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Alexxis Lemire joins a small but distinguished list as one of the prettiest MarVista leads of all time. It's unfortunate her entire filmography (as of June, 2019) consists of three made for TV movies (including another one produced by MarVista), and two episodes of a family-oriented television series: while she's far from a great actress, she has the looks and enough talent that she should be able to land better roles (like on CW's latest vampire-themed show?)
• Why does MarVista include the entire movie in some of their trailers (including this one)? We're not just talking giving away one or two minor plot points: we're talking showing twists and all, pretty much in the order they occur. I just don't understand the reasoning behind that, business or otherwise.
• The IMDb lists the actors out of order; I literally don't remember who was who, and don't want to spend any more time on this than I already have, so hopefully I got the four most prominent actors.

RATING: 1/10.

TRAILER (SPOILER ALERT!)