Writer(s): Ally Carter and Kim Beyer-Johnson
Starring: Brooke Shields, Cary Elwes, Lee Ross and Andi Osho
After going down the foreign rom-com rabbit hole for our last few movie viewings, we finally returned to the bland American trash that we have grown so accustomed to over the years. And there’s no bigger sign of impending blandness than seeing Brooke Shields starring in it.
Actually, I like Brooke Shields, so I hope she doesn’t take it the wrong way; I just mean that any holiday movie starring a formerly famous star who has been out of the spotlight for a while is a surefire sign that what we're dealing with is a B-grade rom-com (as does the mention of "Christmas" in the title). That goes double because the man that stars opposite her is none other than Cary Elwes, a male actor of similar career trajectory who I unfortunately always equate with Robin Hood: Men in Tights. (Seriously, I don’t know why, but I can’t name any other movie he’s ever been in without looking at IMDb.)
Yeah, there really isn’t much to say about this one: The atmosphere is kind of like The Princess Switch series - what with the royal castle and all - only without much of the charm, or careless fun.
Shields is Sophie Brown, a best-selling author known for a series of books following the life of one woman whose name escapes me at the moment. I don’t know if you happened to read the synopsis, but virtually every description of the movie I can find mentions that she escapes New York to avoid a “scandal”. I was hoping for something juicy: a sex tape, or a murder perhaps, but do you want to know what salacious act she’s guilty of that warrants switching countries? Killing off a beloved character in one of her books. Seriously. (So I guess technically it was murder?) In the best scene of the movie, she appears on “The Drew Barrymore Show” to explain her reasonings for the controversial decision…but when Drew takes the side of the readers, she realizes that her life is in danger, or something, and decides to hightail it out of the country.
Figuring out her destination is simple, because of course Sophie’s father grew up in a castle somewhere in Scotland (named Dun Dunbar, of all things), so that’s where she escapes to, planning to wait until the fervor over her book series dies down. That’s where she meets Duke Myles, a grumpy man with a heavy Scottish accent who is known for avoiding…well everyone in town, actually.
As it turns out, the castle that her father grew up in is for sale, and she jumps at the chance to buy it. But that crotchety old Duke isn’t a big fan of her, even though it’s pretty obvious from the outset that he really is, but must hide his feelings underneath a facade of constant anger and frowning. You know, because that’s the best way to get a girl.
Blah blah blah, they end up together and the movie ends, hopefully not making room for a sequel.
It’s all just…devoid of any substance. I mean, that (and various other phrases) are words I could use to describe many of these holiday gag-fests, but in this case, it’s really the only way to describe it. The comedy is based almost entirely on watching Elwes get mad at everything, with occasional shots of his dog, Hamish, thrown in for additional, basic laughs. I mean, virtually any time a movie resorts to deriving humor out of a pet - something that’s guaranteed to elicit an “awwww” and obligatory laugh from almost every member of the largely female viewer base - you know it’s cruising on autopilot.
Usually these movies have at least something to remind you that you saw it, even if it’s a funny scene - whether intentional or not - or some twisting of the holiday rom-com formula, no matter how slight. But A Castle for Christmas literally has nothing going for it. Nothing. I guess the two leads are decent enough together - though I wouldn’t say there’s a whole lot in the way of chemistry - and often look like they’re having at least a bit of fun, but unfortunately none of that is contagious. And the use of a mute man whose only line talks about the importance of true love just made me want to stick a shotgun to my head and squeeze the trigger.
I mentioned that the best scene is her appearance on "The Drew Barrymore Show", but there's actually one that tops it: The end credits sequence finds Sophie back on Drew's show to promote her new book (which of course is based on her time in the castle). What makes the scene so funny is it’s the first time the movie really embraces a carefree, comedic attitude, as the scene appears to be completely improvised, with multiple takes and behind-the-scenes moments thrown in. It’s refreshing because it’s not presented as a finished scene, but that’s what makes it completely unique; it’s obvious the two of them are friends in real life, and their interplay is easily the best example of chemistry in this whole godforsaken mess.
Oh well, at least now I have two movies to equate Cary Elwes with.
RANDOM OBSERVATIONS
- Characters crossing over from different Netflix movies into others seems to be a thing these days: Look for Mrs. Donatelli and Frank de Luca, from The Princess Switch franchise, in a small cameo where they check in as guests to the castle. Does this mean that romance has finally blossomed between them?
ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10
TRAILER
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