CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Christmas Movie Christmas (2019)

Director: Brian Herzlinger
Writers: Brant Daugherty and Kimberly Daugherty
Starring: Brant Daugherty, Lana McKissack, Kimberly Daugherty, and Ryan Merriman

Here’s a movie with a promising plotline: A single woman obsessed with campy Christmas romance movies—and her grumpy sister—are magically transported to a town similar to the one in her favorite holiday picture, and then must join forces with the townsfolk to save Christmas when it’s threatened by…shit, I honestly don’t even remember. But it doesn’t really matter: all you need to know is that Christmas is being threatened.

First things first – and I’m sure part of this issue stems from the fact I’m just coming off of watching a Netflix holiday movie – but are the production values in these movies always so generic? I guess I’d never really noticed before, but it looks like it was shot for $20 using the director’s closest friends and family.

The biggest problem with A Christmas Movie Christmas is that it seems to completely forget its own premise; rather than being a “spoof”, or even a “homage” to cheesy holiday fare, it literally just becomes another one. There’s the occasional self-awareness, but those moments are few and far between and aren’t nearly exploited as often as they should be. What’s the point of having this setting when even the main characters forget what it is?

That’s why, despite the promising setup, this one is a sobering reminder of just how fucking godawful these movies can be. Exhibit A: The main character. I hate her. She goes from squealing with delight at the sight of everything in the village, to suddenly forgetting it’s all a movie, and then looking sad about everything when she pushes away her man and thinks she ruined the town’s annual Christmas festival. Honestly, her biggest problem is that she has a very punchable face, a fact only exacerbated by her overuse of it.

The sister is annoying in her own way, too, but she’s much easier to look at, and doesn’t overuse her facial muscles to the point of annoyance.

Not helping matters are the “love” interests are two of the worst I may have ever seen in a romance movie. The main character’s, Dustin, looks like a middle-aged father of three who’s constantly out cheating on his wife, or running up a tab at a local bar. To say that there is no chemistry between them is a vast understatement—this is definitely one of those movies where you couldn’t care whether or not the two leads get together at all.

The sister’s love interest is a ridiculously over-the-top guy who my wife referred to as a “puppy man”: he starts by leaving her dozens of notes throughout the town, which she initially finds to be creepy. So he changes that up by stalking her until she realizes she isn’t going to get anything else, and just accepts his advances. But he’s so…childish that I literally think he would qualify as being clinically retarded. Of course, the movie is probably trying to exaggerate his “sense of wonder” (and I have to admit that it's absurdly entertaining), but especially to be paired up with a character who has none of the same feelings about Christmas, it’s a rather forced (mis)match.

The ending is cobbled together, and makes even less sense than most of these movies—it’s a threadbare, completely illogical excuse to have a happy ending that’s more or less literally formed out of nowhere. It’s like the writers couldn’t be bothered to think of anything that fit, so they just winged it during filming; “unsatisfactory” doesn’t even begin to describe it on the most basic of all levels.

I suppose it was only a matter of time, but after getting off to a strong start, our holiday movie season has run into its first snag.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• What was the point of having the grumpy boss character? He was just completely pointless.
• Being a movie-within-a-movie doesn't help here: This is just a bad movie within a terrible one.
• I thought this might be a clever subversion of the subgenre; instead, it's just shit.
• Apparently, these characters think self-loathing is a very attractive quality.
• You know you've done something wrong when the grandma character is by far the best one in the entire movie.
• Why does the dumb kid always sound like she has a cold?
• How come in almost every scene where there's a "famous musician" on stage in these movies, they're almost always alone on the stage with an acoustic guitar, yet the music that comes out features a full band? Where's the drummer and bassist hiding?
• For being obsessed with these kinds of movies, Eve is pretty clueless as to how they work.
• That explains some things: the writers of this mess are also two of the main stars.

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OVERALL RATING: 3/10

REPETITIVE ROMANCE: Runaway Romance (2018)

Director: Brian Herzlinger
Writer(s): Emily Golden and John-Eliot Jordan, from the novel by Miralee Ferrell
Starring: Danielle C. Ryan, Trevor Donovan, Galadriel Stineman, and Tatum O'Neal

I feel like I’m starting to become a lame holiday movie, because reviewing them has made me feel like the repetitive robot all of them aspire to be: I find myself using the same words and phrases, trying to convey just how bland and repetitive they all seem to be.

For example, I could open every single plot synopsis with “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before,” because they all follow the same ten or so basic plot outlines, with just enough minor variations to slightly distance themselves from one another. And Runaway Romance is certainly not one to buck that trend. In it, Danielle Ryan plays Ann Stanway, a popular reality star on the popular reality show, “Life With the Adsons”, where she plays the girlfriend opposite Beau Davidson’s Scott Adson, while wearing a godawful wig.

Behind the scenes is Veronica Adson (Tatum O’Neal), Scott’s domineering mother who also controls the show, under the guise of wanting to do “what’s best” for her son—assuming it improves ratings, that is. So when numbers are staying stagnant with Ann, Veronica feels it’s time to replace her with another up-and-coming star, a notion that doesn’t seem to bother Scott one bit. (At least until the idea fails, but we all knew that was coming.)

In response to this, Ann flees L.A., winding up in Cave City, KY after her car breaks down, which is much closer to her hometown of Pennsylvania than the spotlights of LA. She bumps into an inn owned by Sarah Miller, a young Amish woman who annoyingly never uses contractions, and whose sentences seem to take a full decade to fully spit out (do the Amish really speak like that these days?) Annoying traits aside, she is kindhearted, allowing Ann to stay there until she can get her situation worked out, which of course, she can’t reveal to anyone because she has to hide her true self. (Thankfully, though, she loses the wig, which makes her look much more natural.)

The first character she meets is Jimmy, an awkward little man who is clearly interested in Ann from the outset, although Ann seems (rightfully) apprehensive. Just when I thought this might be a chore to wade through, I learn this is about the closest thing to a red herring you’ll ever find in a Hallmark-ish movie: he’s not the love interest after all! Instead, that honor goes to Hunter, an architect who checks all the boxes of a male lead: single, attractive, and successful. And who wouldn’t want a piece of that? As it turns out, even reality stars can be wooed by normal peasants!

Ann and Hunter’s blossoming relationship takes a hit, though, when that little weasel Jimmy—who himself dreams of being a reality star—takes her rejection a little too personal, and rats out her location to the press! Oh Jimmy, that’s not the way to a girl’s heart! Mild, family-oriented hijinx ensue.

This movie is actually one of the better non-funny holiday movies that we’ve seen up to this point, thanks to a good cast, who all band together to help detract from an idea we’ve all seen a thousand different times. Beau Davidson is perfectly douchey as Scott, while Tatum O’Neal’s Veronica is slimy as his domineering mother. The main stars are likable enough to cheer for, and the remaining cast manages to be competent, which can’t always be said for these clichéd love tales.

Ken Strunk, though, deserves special mention in a thankless role as Abraham Troyer, the old bishop, or whatever the hell Amish “masters” are known as; he rides around on his horse, chastising Sarah for wasting her time and energy running a failing inn when she should be married and settled down, and threatening to close the joint down after she takes in the non-Amish Ann. Although he could be seen as a villain, Strunk injects just enough humanity into his caricature that he merely seems like what he is: an old man steadfast and unwavering in his beliefs, rather than a one-note character who’s merely out to create obstacles for the main stars to overcome. (There’s a scene later on where the media, tipped off by Jimmy (which I guess could count as a spoiler, but you should already know that was going to happen), descends upon the small Amish town. Abraham’s reaction—one of complete devastation and disbelief—is so genuine that you actually feel bad for him, despite the culture-based “crudeness” of his character.)

Even though this was better than some, it’s still little more than a by-the-numbers romp through formulaic territory that certainly won’t port any new fans over to these saccharine gag-fests. There are much better out there no matter your thoughts, but you can do worse if this is what you (or, more likely, your significant other) decides to force down your throat.

RATING: 6/10

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