CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Cupcakes (2018)

Director: Dylan Pierce

Writer: Neil Chase, Nathan Usher

Starring: Cindy Busby, Erin Karpluk, Corey Loranger, and Fulvio Cecere

Christmas Cupcakes is the kind of Christmas movie that will appeal to the no doubt growing number of people that are either disgusted, or becoming so, at all the millions of holiday romances that come out every year. I mean, it started off modestly, with Lifetime and Hallmark being the main purveyors of that junk, but now it seems like every channel (and streaming services like Netflix) are jumping on the bandwagon—I feel like it’s becoming a bigger market than cocaine. And I guess it makes sense: People can’t seem to get their fill of them, while others are simply overstuffed on watching the same five stories play out over and over again.

But Christmas Cupcakes is different. Oh, there’s the haphazard story that seems like it was written and finalized in under three hours, and there’s also the occasional appearance of romance, just so it “fits” in with the genre, so all the typical earmarks of a holiday romance are here…there’s just no romance. It’s almost like the filmmakers wanted to tell their own story of a family struggling to maintain their bakery, kept getting their pitch denied, so they threw in a few Christmas references and a kiss, called it a Christmas movie…bingo! Instant greenlight!

For many, this idea will probably fall flat; it probably would have for me if it didn’t bring with it a certain sense of nolstalgia. You see, my wife and I watched dozens of Food Network shows while we were dating, and while we ran the gamut from cooking shows, to Guy Fieri’s latest adventure, we probably spent the most time on baking competitions. The aesthetic of the competition scenes are stellar for a (presumably) low-budget flick, as they get everything down from the lighting, camera angles, and even the cheesy jokes. (Unfortunately, that attention doesn't really translate well to the actual competition, which is completely devoid of any drama and doesn't even show any of the other contestants, outside the two main rivals.)

The Remo family is in a tough place: following the untimely death of the family patriarch, who also ran the bakery, sisters Kim and Gina are forced to decide whether to sell it, or continue its tradition. For maximum dramatic value, Gina is hesitant to take it over, because she has a well-paying job that she completely despises—all it takes is a bad day at work (and it seems all of them are) to convince her to give it a shot. But of course, it's not because she wants to, it's just because it's her best option.

While Kim has the drive to keep everyone together, she lacks the baking skills of her late uncle; that’s where Gina steps in. While she clearly isn't really all that into it, baking comes naturally to her, something that Kim somewhat resents. For her part, Gina resents the idea that Kim was always the “successful” one, while she was always seen as a failure and/or outcast (nothing like siblings bonding over perceived failures!). 

Then they learn of the “Grand Prix Dessert Challenge”, or something along those lines, which is a baking competition that awards the winner an astonishing $150,000 grand prize. Why, that’s almost exactly how far behind they are on payments for their bakery! Although Gina is once again reluctant to partake, she’s nudged ahead when she discovers that Kim went ahead and signed them up anyway, in a rather douche move. I hope they won't have a big fight that could threaten to derail their chances to win the dessert competition, thus giving them enough money to save the day and live happily ever after! Nah, I doubt that will happen, given their completely opposite demeanors.

Even outside of the overly clichéd “save the family bakery” story, there’s some good stuff here. The characters, for the most part, are solid, and there’s some pretty good interplay and (family) chemistry between them—it really feels like they could actually be related. Fulvio Cecere is perfect as the stereotypical Italian uncle, and provides some solid laughs. And of course, the performances are all heightened by the appearance of Cindy Busby, who is either adept at making poorly-written characters believable, or is just really good about selecting which holiday projects she pursues (no offense to her, but I’m thinking it’s the former).

Her character is actually an almost complete piece of shit, throwing temper tantrums when things don’t go her way, buckling at the first sight of pressure, and storming off over the stupidest little things. I could see where people would hate her, but things like that are the fault of the writers—she’s merely doing what she was hired to do--and she does it about as well as anyone else could do. There aren't too many other actresses I can think of that can almost guarantee a decent holiday movie, but she is certainly one of them.

The guy isn't really even worth mentioning, because he's in it more as a "rival" than a love interest. It's kind of a shame, because he's good-looking enough and also appears to be a decent actor, but there aren't really any sparks or chemistry between them. I'm honestly not sure if it's because they're in romance scenes so little, so their relationship isn't given enough screen time to "grow", or if it's just because they literally don't have the slightest bit of attraction to one another; either way, it will be a disappointment to the old-fashioned crowd that what little romance there is, is marred by two people who really don't seem to care about each other in the slightest.

In the end, if you're one of the few that like your cheesy holiday romances largely "romance free", (and a bonus if you're into televised baking competitions) Christmas Cupcakes is a great way to kill some time. It has funny characters, and a likeable cast, that all do their best to overcome the stale concept.

RATING: 7/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Runaway Christmas Bride (2017)

Director: David DeCoteau
Writer(s): Brian Skiba
Starring: Cindy Busby, Travis Milne, Mark Milburn, and Christos Shaw

Wow. One area that rarely fails to “impress” me (relatively speaking) in these mindless “merry” movies are the production values: say what you want about how terrible they are (and they are), but they're typically shot well, and have the polish and look of a “real” movie. Not this one: Runaway Christmas Bride is one of the most poorly shot anythings I've ever laid my eyes on; a fractured mess of godawful writing, acting, and directing that, were it not for the immensely appealing Cindy Busby, would probably give Christmas Coupon a run for its money as the worst holiday movie I've ever seen.

Seriously, the movie is shot almost entirely in unflattering, in-your-face close-ups, with characters' noses almost popping through the TV screen. It's absolutely jarring the first time it happens, and one of those things that's no less jarring by the hundredth time. It wasn't until about halfway through that I think I pieced together why: it apparently was shot either in a tropical climate, or in the dead middle of summer, and the close-ups—which almost always take place outside—are the filmmakers' sad attempts to cover for the fact there's not a drop of snow to be found. There are digital snowflakes that were clearly added in post-production, along with unconvincing backdrops that appear to be painted in certain scenes to give the illusion that we're looking at a snowy ski lodge, instead of a normal building in a tropical climate. (For proof of my theory, scope out the final tracking shot, which clearly reveals there's some kind of poorly-utilized filter being used to give the illusion of snow that isn't there.)

These are interspersed with scenes taking place on an actual ski slope, so it seems the production had only a limited time (somewhere around three hours, it would seem) to shoot in actual snow, and then had to fake everything else to fit those scenes. I don't know the actual backstory behind it, so this is all speculation on my part, but there's just something about this whole production that's...unnerving.

Terrible visual effects aside, it gets even worse once the story is introduced: Busby is Kate Paulson, a woman who is getting ready to marry the man of her dreams. Only, the moron reveals right before they walk down the aisle that he's basically only marrying her to get his hands on family money that pays out once he gets married. Not liking the idea of being married solely for money, she leaves him at the altar—without explaining that to anyone else, mind you, and also after the marriage is made official--and runs away to the pre-paid honeymoon suite at the ski resort that happens to be right down the road to gather her thoughts, while both sets of family members try to piece together what's happening.

Through a rather improbably series of events, all of the members of both wedding parties end up staying at the ski lodge, where they continue to hurl insults at one another, all while the freshly (and technically officially married) “bride” falls in love with a ski patrol rescuer, who seems to be made out of wood and desperately wanting to become a real man, but I think that was just his acting. It doesn't take long to see where it's all headed, with her mysterious (immediate) past as a bride eventually coming to light and throwing wood boy for a loop, before everything is happily resolved, all in the name of Christmas.

Seriously, avoid this one like the plague, lest you want to be subjected to a checklist of how not to make a Christmas movie: the jokes fall flat, there's no chemistry between anyone, Kate's dad looks like a living corpse, and the gay “roommate” provided solely for comedic relief is so annoying, you just want to see him get shot in the face. Or eaten by snow wolves. Or dropped off the highest peak of the ski lift.

Anyway, unless you're a movie masochist who derives joy out of watching the cinematic dreams of an entire cast and crew deflate before your very eyes, stay far, far away from this one.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS 

• If anyone tries arguing that this movie is good during everyday conversation, try to ease up...you must be talking to one of the cast/crewmembers relatives.
• The more I think about it, I wonder if this was shot as a non-holiday movie, and then re-purposed into one, for whatever reason; that would definitely explain the appalling shooting style.
• You know a movie's bad when the actors aren't even sure how to throw a punch.

RATING: 2.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Puppy for Christmas (2016)

You would think the addition of a dog (or any animal, for that matter) to a sentimental Christmas story would be a guaranteed home run, but leave it up to those fine folks at MarVista to find a way to screw it up.

Noelle is a grown woman who has always been obsessed with the idea of owning a dog, but has never been able to get one, because, you know, dogs are ultra-rare and hard-to-find. Her latest dog-prevention obstacle is that the man she's been seeing for five years, ultra-douche extraordinnaire Todd, is allergic to them—until she learns that some dogs are hypo-allergenic, so she goes out and buys one. Turns out, Todd is not allergic to them, but is afraid of commitment, so he dumps her.

Meanwhile, for being so obsessed with dogs, it turns out Noelle has never actually researched anything about them; she takes the puppy to work with her, apparently thinking they come pre-trained. Of course, the puppy gets into adorable mischief that captures the attention of Liam, the rugged hunk that writes the “Adventure” column for the newspaper. After sleeping in her office overnight since she has nowhere else to go (?) she is caught by Liam, who invites her to his remote house for the weekend. This is perfect timing, because he's awaiting the arrival of his fiance, who no one in his family has ever met, and having the woman you're going to marry come home to you alone with a strange woman is probably a really great idea.

Thankfully, it's not so awkward because his family is there to surprise them with a surprise engagement party! After explaining that Noelle is not his fiance (thank God it at least avoided that trope), the two settle down with family, as Liam's real fiance keeps postponing the trip, eventually making it obvious she's never coming back. Good thing sparks are flying between him and Noelle! But it can't just be that easy—after an incredibly lame party, Todd realizes that he gave up a good gal, and tries to woo her back. Which man will she choose?

Really, it all comes down to the characters: Noelle is annoying as shit, and seems completely mismatched in all facets against the good-looking Liam. There was no part of me that felt they were a good match or wanted them to get together, and that's kind of the whole point of the movie. Then there's the whole point of the dog: I didn't even want it to get stuck with Noelle, who never seems to have any time for it amidst trying to fall in love and screwing up at every turn. Again, she shows no signs of anyone who has ever wanted a dog for a minute, let alone her whole life, as the narrative assures us is the case.

It's watchable by the slimmest of margins, and didn't fill me with the level of holiday rage that some of these movies do, but it's one that both animal lovers, and good movie lovers should skip altogether.

RATING: 3/10

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