Christmas Capsules: Christmas on Ice (2020)

Director: John Stimpson
Writer: Stimpson
Starring: Abigail Klein, Ryan Cooper, Caroline Portu, and Will Lyman

The other day we saw Christmas with a Prince, a movie that was forgettable mainly because everyone outside of the two main characters were agonizing, for one reason or another. This one is bad in the opposite direction: the main star is a self-pitying, selfish little shit who does nothing but focus and talk about her own plights for almost the entire time. Making it to the end is like experiencing a first date that you know isn’t going any further, yet you’re too nice to just cut it off early and run.

That’s too bad, because the rest of the movie has a lot going for it: a cast of likable characters (outside of the main one), some genuine humor, and—somehow—even a little bit of chemistry between the two leads; it would have been interesting to see just how much more there could have been if the story didn’t consistently interfere with everything else.

Abigail Klein is Courtney, a cute, bubbly blonde who runs an outdoor ice rink known as “The Oval”. Not too far in, she learns that the mayor is planning on shutting down the long-standing citywide staple, and she spends every single minute of the remaining movie reminding us of that. Distracting her momentarily from how shitty and terrible her life is, she bumps into Noah Tremblay, a former NHL player for the Toronto Maple Leafs, who immediately takes a liking to her.

He’s not the only one, though (cue groans here): Noah’s young daughter, Grace, also takes to the soon-to-be-unemployed rink owner. Where’s Grace’s mom, you may be wondering (which the nosey little Courtney asks him, point-blank, on their first date)? (cue somber music) She died! Because the best way screenwriters have found to evoke pity without actually having to do anything to earn it, is to have a character’s backstory involve the death of a loved one.

Anyway, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to discover that these two people end up together in the end…that much everyone knows. The question here is…how? Maybe even “why?”

How could a romance even bubble up between these two people? You won’t necessarily be cheering them on because you want them to get together, but just because you hope she’ll at least be too smitten to think about her stupid rink being shut down. And why would this man—a good looking former star who would (presumably) have woman flinging themselves at him—stick to a woman who’s so one-dimensional that she literally comes across as if she’s using him, and his status, simply to save her beloved rink? Many of these movies defy logic, but not all of them take that liberty to such a blood-boiling degree.

I get that “The Oval” has been around for years and has sentimental value, and I get that the screenwriters just needed something to “save”, so my issue isn’t necessarily with the already tired plot retread, so much as how it’s executed. These kinds of stories can be cute, with the right balance of empathy and romance; you have to have both characters on board with the same goals, who are both driven to find a solution.

Here, the only linking factor they have is that Noah just opened a huge indoor skating facility nearby. (Thankfully she never attacks him for being the main reason she is being shut down—even though it could be argued that does play a big role in it—which is where I thought the story was headed.) And it is completely clear from the one-sided approach taken by Courtney, that she’s really the only one interested in saving it at all. Sure, Noah agrees with her and goes along with it—the way any loving pre-boyfriend would do in this situation—but even his face seems to register confusion and annoyance that every single conversation they have always seems to focus on her, and her stupid rink.

This is too bad, because almost everything outside of that has potential, with a gold award going to Caroline Portu as Beth, Courtney’s best friend. She is genuinely funny, laid-back, cool, fun, adorable…everything Courtney is not. Watching her, you can’t help but get the feeling that Christmas On Ice is focusing on the wrong person entirely: Courtney might make a decent side character, with her plight taking up little (or no) screentime, but just isn’t interesting, or two-dimensional enough to make it as the main focus.

Or, maybe even better yet, keep the actors but change the script. There’s no denying there’s some chemistry between the two leads, on the rare occasions there’s allowed to be, so why weren’t they given a story that could focus more on that, rather than a story that focuses on so much self-pity? Why would the screenwriters make the lead character so unlikable and so overbearing?

If you’re looking to find a reason to be a Grinch this holiday season, this is a good place to start.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• It seems like the “new wave” of Hallmark movies focus less on the romance angles, and more on the people themselves. Are Hallmark movies yet another thing millennials have ruined?!
• Given how many times Courtney leaves her cashier station in the few moments we see her there, it’s a wonder this place didn’t close down years ago. 
• The way Noah says, “Uh…we lost her,” when Courtney asked what happened to Grace’s mother, sounds like she was a toy that fell behind the couch. 
• Maybe tone things down a bit so it doesn’t look like all you’re using Noah for is to save the rink you won’t shut up about.
• "Yes dear, I do love you, but how about you use your pull with the mayor to save my rink? Oh, and after that, you want to help me with this fundraiser for my rink? A kiss? No time for that! My rink needs me!"
• That's so sweet how quickly the dead mother's memorial star atop the family Christmas tree is replaced by this stupid woman's new topper.
• Have I mentioned how much I hate kids in these movies? 
• I know these movies are supposed to be old-fashioned and simple, but there's no reason to do a fundraiser anywhere but GoFundMe these days.

RATING: 3.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Christmas Kiss (2011)

Stop me if you've heard this one before: A career-oriented doormat that answers to “Wendy” wants to look for love, but is too busy being controlled by her boss to find time to make that happen. Oh, if only a man could fall into her lap! Well, one does, when she meets a mystery man in an elevator and shares a passionate, life-changing kiss. The problem is, she doesn't know the identity of the man. Is she going to meet him again and fall in love, or will the story take a realistic turn and leave her empty and alone during the holidays?

Of course she'll meet him again, and she doesn't even have to exert any effort to look far, because all of these movies seem to take place in a bubble consisting only of eight people. As it turns out, the man is the boyfriend of her controlling boss, Ms. Ward! Just so there's nothing like complex feelings or emotions to sort out, it's clear that Ms. Ward is only using him for his social status, and is too focused on how a marriage to him could increase her exposure.

This becomes even more apparent when the man (who I'll just keep nameless because, in these movies, it's the male who's the meat) comes to Ms. Ward with a request: that she design a holiday-themed party for his organization's fundraiser. Of course, this is a problem for the controlling, materialistic woman, who doesn't know the first thing about him; naturally, he is disappointed in her ideas. But like all manipulative women, Ms. Ward has no limits to the lengths she will go to keep what she wants, and before you know it, she's claiming the creepily-personal plans that Wendy drew up, as her own!

The familiar-yet-still-ridiculous premise, and insanely meek lead woman (I think at least 60% of the final 40 minutes of the film's running time consists of friends urging her to reveal to him that she was the designer of the plans, while she inexplicably—and maddeningly—finds reasons not to) should hint at a movie that should be avoided at all costs. But you know what? Like the impossible odds faced by the characters in these kinds of movies, this one is actually enjoyable (at least, for what it is).

Laura Breckenridge is beautiful as Wendy, and while her character is a wimp, she still shows off a diverse range of acting chops, nailing the requisite crying scenes with believability and gusto, while maintaining a level of innocent charm that still makes you like her (or, at the very least, not hate her) no matter how dumb she is. Meanwhile, Brendan Fehr as the leading man might not have the effortless looks of his leading lady (no, he's not at all ugly; I just mean he's not what most women would consider “beautiful” at first glance), but wins over the audience with a great balance of charisma and cockiness that blends perfectly with Wendy's hapless romantic. Together, their chemistry is undeniable: this doesn't feel like most romance films, where you only want to see them get together because you know they will and they should, but because they generally seem to want to.

Lastly, even Elisabeth Rohm as the domineering boss—a character that I would normally despise for all the wrong reasons—is perfect, delivering her demeaning, over-the-top lines with such relish and gusto that you'll find yourself laughing at them, despite how unbelievably cold and exaggerated they are. It all comes together to form a movie that is better than it has any right to be, and that should be required viewing for fans of mindless holiday romances.

RATING: 7.5/10

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