Cop Rock S1E3: Happy Mudder's Day

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and John Romano

Directed by: Charles Haid

It’s weird how quickly things have died down here on “Cop Rock”; the first episode crammed about three hundred plot points into a brief 48-minute episode, but many of them seem to have fallen by the wayside.  There are still eight episodes left (really, that many?!) so I suppose they might be saving some for a rainy day, but I have to be perfectly honest here: my interest is waning.  I literally feel like each episode is an entire season…it’s just getting too much to slog through.

Anyway, the writers made it simple on us (and themselves) by focusing on only two plot points for this entire episode: the ludicrous investigation by Captain Hollander into the shooting of a known cop-killer by Detective LaRusso, and a random side story about the mayor running for a Senate seat that has to be seen to be believed.

To recap for those just joining me on this headache-inducing adventure, Tyrone Powers was an African-American male who was arrested on drug charges, but was let go due to overcrowding in prisons.  Right after being released back into the general population, he shot and killed a cop named Gilbert Braden.  For this reason alone, he would be a wanted man, with a bounty put on his head.  Sure enough, cops discover his whereabouts and go to grab him, only there’s one little problem: they don’t have a warrant.  LaRusso realizes the situation, and that a known cop killer would be released back onto the streets, and so he shoots him dead, making the whole scene look like an act of self-defense.

But Hollander inexplicably thinks something is up right from the outset, and has spent the last two episodes trying to prove that LaRusso acted in the wrong.  Well, he might finally get the chance to prove it here, as he makes an offer to Officer Potter, LaRusso’s partner at the time and witness to the whole event in question: Hollander will grant him immunity in exchange for coming clean.

Meanwhile, the mayor, a homely old woman whose name escapes me (edit: Mayor Louise Plank), is approached by some political types who suggest that she run for a Senate seat.  They think she can get her elected, only there’s one problem: focus groups have declared that she is one of the ugliest women they’ve ever seen.  So she sees a plastic surgeon to try to fix some of her most glaring flaws.  As stupid as this plot point is, it’s the best one we’ve seen so far, as my wife and I have despised her character since day one, so hearing people rip into her appearance was a welcome surprise (and it’s bizarrely a situation that’s played for laughs.)

Some of the episode also focuses on LaRusso, as he does what any cop who’s being investigated by his captain would do: hang out in seedy locations as an undercover cop, just under his own accord.  Oh, and we also learn that he’s dating a mud-wrestler (!).  He nearly blows one undercover sting when the subject holds his girlfriend hostage--after pretending not to care about her, the man lets her go and accepts his arrest.  If only all hostage negotiations were this easy!

The songs in this episode are all trash.  There’s typically been at least one song per episode that’s been kinda good, but that streak comes to an end here.  The opening number finds the police chief singing a country song while riding through the rough streets on a horse--it’s actually a pretty catchy song, but the accompanying images only succeed in making it irredeemably cheesy, which is an exact 180 from what they were going for.  The next one belongs to LaRusso’s stripper girlfriend, whom he treats like trash.  In it, she wonders why she continues to put up with his attitudes toward her.  She might have legitimate claims, but, like many of the songs featured here, it never rises above third-rate melodramatic junk.

Then there’s the gag-inducing number between an African-American couple who had the police called on them during one of their loud arguments.  After the man steals the cop’s gun and threatens everyone in the room with it, he is eventually calmed down, which leads to a “tear jerking” song about how they still do truly love each other underneath all the pain.  Then, in the worst one yet, the surgeon assigned to fix the senator’s face breaks out in a song all about how he strives for “perfection”.  Oh, and there’s a final one between the cops and all the “low-lifes” that come in and out of the station.  Sigh.

I’ve got to be honest here: I’m having a hard time even feigning interest in, and building up the courage to, continue watching this series.  Just when it seems like it has hit a new low, it somehow manages to find a way to dig itself in deeper.  Even discounting the song and dance numbers--which of course is the entire point of the show--the plotlines are just absolutely terrible, giving the viewer nothing positive to even latch on to, making it an all-around failure.

RATING: 2/10

FULL EPISODE

Cop Rock S1E2: Ill-Gotten Gaines

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Sidney Weitz as Dennis Lipscomb

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and John Romano

Directed by: Gregory Hoblit

The first episode seemed to want to cram too many things in at once, with absolutely no “easing in” for the viewer; thankfully, here we have a chance to gather our senses.  Unfortunately, the plot that seems to be standing out in the spotlight is the most frustrating of the bunch: Capt. Hollander’s attempt to get to the bottom of what really happened to drug dealer, and known cop-killer, Tyrone Powers.

Powers, you will recall, was the cop-killing drug pusher from the first episode, who was killed by Officer LaRusso after he learned Tyrone was being detained without a warrant.  Rather than risk letting him go a second time (it was after he was released due to prison overcrowding the first time, that he ended up shooting a cop), he simply shot him dead, then made sure it looked like a shooting in self-defense.  And that’s how it looked to anyone who might have wandered into the crime scene, as LaRusso planted a machine gun on Powers’ body to make it look like he might have opened fire first.

It’s a little ridiculous that Captain Hollander would have even been able to tell just from looking at things that it was a homicide, rather than self-defense, and even stupider that he would keep pursuing it even after Internal Affairs ruled that LaRusso was correct in his actions.  If this were just a juvenile on a marijuana charge, I could understand his vendetta against LaRusso; but a cop-killer?  Come on…anyone in that department would just be happy he’s dead.  It’s just an ignorant storyline to have, and one that rings hollow, especially since police have long covered-up the “accidental” murders of people who have done far less.

“Ill-Gotten Gaines” starts off with the funeral service for Officer Braden, who was the cop killed by Powers.  Of course, his partner, Officer Rose, has to deliver a eulogy, and of course that eulogy has to come in the form of a song.  The shot of a saxophonist delivering the first few notes of the song is just another in a long-line of legendarily awful scenes; despite this false start, I have to admit that the song actually has a certifiable melody and some decent lyrics, automatically making it one of the better ones we’ve seen thus far (and by far the best one in this episode).

Meanwhile, Frank is returned to active duty patrolling the streets, and is given an awkward white cop as a partner who likes to sing Motown while they’re cruising the streets.  This upsets Frank, who simply wants to ride in peace, and he begs Hollander to find him a new partner.  Hollander refuses, though watching the way the rookie calmly and efficiently diffuses a potentially-dangerous situation wins him over, just as we knew something would.  There’s also a minor subplot involving a break-in at a rich house, but I’m thinking the only reason that’s thrown in there is so the show can provide us with two additional song-and-dance numbers: the first features Vicki and her partner Andy singing about how great it would be to be rich together, while the second is a cringe-inducing number featuring a gang of Cubans standing in a police lineup; it’s by far the worst of a bad bunch.

We’re only two episodes in, and the urge to throw in the towel is becoming more and more tempting with each passing minute spent watching this.  There are still nine episodes left.  At the current rate, that’s 36 mostly-intolerable musical sequences, and at least 9 more inane subplots that we’re going to have to slog through.  What’s amazing is that this show somehow still attempts to deal with real issues--there’s a sequence where a black cop is referred to as a “monkey” (though the derogatory term comes from another black man, which I guess lessens the impact some) that caught me completely off guard, but there’s just no room for a movie with dancing policemen to make any kind of serious statement whatsoever, and that‘s its biggest problem.  It’s nothing short of a complete failure overall, though at its best, which is incredibly rare, it at least manages to be a slightly interesting one.

EPISODE RATING: 3/10

FULL EPISODE

Cop Rock, S1E1: Pilot

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco

Directed by: Gregory Hoblit

It all begins with a drug raid.  I suppose that’s as good as any way to start the first episode to a cop show: offer a bit of action to pull the viewer in, and just hope that they come back for more, time and time again.  The inside of the raided house features at least a half-dozen junkies, probably more, and all of them are arrested.  Two of the house’s inhabitants are Tyrone Weeks, a tenacious local drug dealer, and Patty Spence, a user who lives in the house with her baby daughter.

But let’s be honest here: action isn’t the first thing on the minds of most people sitting down to a viewing of “Cop Rock”.  Most people are looking forward to the first choreographed musical number, and thankfully it doesn’t take long; right after Tyrone is arrested in the raid, he rapspeaks lyrics that, among other things, clearly state that he will be let go of his charges.  It is amusing, and actually kind of cool, how bystanders also chime in to many of the songs, creating a choir effect--in this case, it’s in the form of several black gang members, as they join in Tyrone’s chorus of “In these streets, we have the power, we have the power, we have the power!”  The cops finally manage to toss him into the car and drive off.

Now, by this point, we are still on the fence about this whole project: it’s stupid, but still kind of cool.  That is, until Randy fuckin’ Newman is shown sitting at a piano, singing the show’s terrible theme, called “Under the Gun”, while several out-of-character cast members watch and nod their heads in approval.  It’s an awfully misconceived introduction that, aside from the gun at the beginning, has nothing to do with either “cops”, nor “rock”, and lead to some unintentional guffaws from my wife and I.  It’s the first moment where just how dumb of an idea this is suddenly hits you, and unfortunately for the show, it starts around the three minute mark.  It also reflects poorly on the Emmy’s, who actually gave this piece-of-shit song an award.  Just one of many reasons to proudly say: Fuck the Emmy’s.

After that bit of embarrassment, we’re back to the main story.  Sure enough, Tyrone is returned to the streets thanks to a lack of evidence, and overcrowded jails…that same day, he ends up killing a police officer who was giving chase to his van.  The fallen officer is Gilbert Braden, partner to Frank Rose, who stands over his body and screams for help.  Much to my relief, there are no songs sung here.

Now we go back to check on Patty, whose daughter is being taken away from her.  For reasons unknown, female officer Vicki Hill, who pities the young addict, pulls some strings and has her baby daughter returned to her.  Despite this nice gesture, Patty still refuses to cut drugs out of her life, instead reassuring Vicki that she will “cut back”.  I’m sure that’s just what she wanted to hear.  But Vicki herself is battling personal issues--namely an attraction to her partner, and a marriage to a rather fat and unattractive man, who belts out a song about how, out of all men, “she chose me”.  It’s every bit as bad and as misplaced as you would think it would be.

Jesus, the plot points are so ridiculous that I’m just going to bullet-point them in an effort to summarize them way quicker:

• The mayor of the city, who wants to build a new jail thanks to overcrowding in the prison system, accepts a bribe, via song, and gives the contractor the job to build the jail.
• Detective LaRussso fakes an injury while testifying against a drug dealer to give his story more weight…sure enough, it works.
• Patty offers information on Tyrone in exchange for drug money, because she is desperate.  She is initially given $50, but is quickly cut off when her leads turn out to be false.  So she does what any struggling mother would do: sell her baby for a whopping $200 (complete with song)., even though she spends the rest of the episode fighting to keep it (?)
• LaRusso and his partner, Potts, discover where Tyrone is hiding, and grab a warrant to bust him, only to find that other cops have already nabbed him, meaning he is being held on his property illegally, thus canceling the warrant.  Angered, LaRusso shoots and kills Tyrone, planting a machine gun on him to give the appearance of self-defense.  But Captain Hollander isn’t convinced of the “self-defense” theory, and insinuates that he would like to bring LaRusso to justice.

Phew!  And all this happens in a scant 48 minutes!  Even without the nonsensical dance routines this would be a lot to stomach--but with them, it’s way too much.  Really, this first episode, while no doubt laying the foundation for the entire season, bites off way more than it can chew--many characters are in and out within two minutes of screen time, which doesn’t give you much time to get to “know” any of the cops-turned-theater-stars.  This, even moreso than the bizarre blend of singing, and police procedural, is probably the biggest turn-off of the pilot, as no single person or plot point is given any time to resonate.

I also made the mistake of being turned on to this series thanks to the track “He’s Guilty”, which is actually pretty badass.  The more I learn about this show, however, it’s quickly becoming apparent that good songs are more the exception than the rule.  To wit, the gospel-tinged “I’m Guilty” is far and away the best (with jurors donning gospel choir garb and adding background vocals), while “The Bribery Song” is forgettable, the opening “In These Streets” is okay, and “She Chose Me” is so terrible and ill-timed that words have not yet been created that can accurately summarize it.

I’m hoping with eleven episodes total, that the stories will be spread out and given more time from here on out, which would at least fix the problem of an absolute plot overload.  Even with that problem out of the way, however, we still have the song and dance numbers…

EPISODE RATING: 3.5/10

FULL EPISODE