CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Same Time, Next Christmas (2019)

Director: Stephen Herek
Writer(s): Karen Bloch Morse
Starring: Lea Michele, Charles Michael Davis, Nia Vardalos, and George Newbern

It's pretty well-known that the plots in these holiday movies are always awful; it almost seems as if the writers are trying to intentionally sabotage the material, attempting to come up with the most far-fetched ideas that can still follow the tried and true formulas required of these saccharine gagfests. (Why doesn't someone just go as far out as possible and make A Sharknado Christmas, or some shit? That's about where we're headed at this rate.) It's just an accepted piece of Christmas flicks: the plot will be horrible, and so will everything else...but you know it will end up happy. And I guess just that last part is all that's needed to ensure the crowds will flock to watch the dozens of holiday movies released every year.

Even despite this knowledge, there is the occasional movie that's actually done in by its stupid plot, and Same Time, Next Christmas is one of them. And that's a shame, because it actually offers up a great cast of characters, above par acting (even Lea Michelle, who I can't really stand, turns in a serviceable performance), and several moments of intended comedy. That's right, completely intentional! In other words, it's almost the perfect Christmas comedy, only held up by a plot that fails even under the lightest scrutiny.

Olivia Anderson has been going to the beach every year for Christmas with her family for as long as she can remember. Through these vacations, they become good friends with the Williams', another family that happens to do the same thing. Olivia hits it off with Jeff, the Williams' lone son, and the two look forward to seeing each other during their annual treks. But the annual visit after they share their first kiss, the Williams family is nowhere to be seen, and Olivia doesn't hear a word from the man she fell in love with. (Turns out he was dealing with some personal family issues, which completely excuses him ignoring her calls and texts for several months...right?)

Flash forward some odd years: Olivia is now grown up, and still doing the vacation routine with her family. And wouldn't you know it, after not seeing or hearing from him for years, he shows up with his family at that same vacation spot once again. But of course things have to be complicated: he is married, which kind of throws a wrench in their plans.

We fast forward to the next year, where another issue prevents them from getting together, and then another year, and then another year...there's at least the span of six years here, and with all of it taking place on the island, it strongly insinuates these people don't keep in contact at all outside of their annual trips. Maybe in the '70s this plot could have worked in a “shut your brain down and don't think about it” kinda way, but in this day and age when you can contact anyone you want with the press of a button, and considering just how "close" these people seem to be on vacations, it's just beyond the limits of acceptability (with Olivia's mom even pushing her to date Jeff; so they never ever talked about it at home?).

It also goes so far as to make Olivia a terrible character, as she strings along a man (who aside from being too caught up in work to an annoying degree, actually isn't that bad of a person at all) that she clearly doesn't have strong feelings for, just so she has someone in her life. Of course, given the season and the confines of this movie, it's supposed to be cute, but it doesn't really take much digging to see the darkness of a character who accepts a marriage proposal from a man she has no interest in being with, only so that she can back out of it a day before the wedding and for no other reason than she finally builds up the courage to tell him she would rather be with someone else. And of course, so that we can't tell she's a piece of shit person doing a really shitty thing to a not bad person, he takes it admirably and without so much as a question. Mmmm, okay.

In the end, part of me actually wants to recommend it for the interplay between the characters, which comes off as way more genuine than it should in a movie like this: the cast seems to be having fun, and the chemistry between the many couples is believable. Unfortunately, the thin thread connecting all these characters ruins what could have been a holiday “classic”, and it becomes one of those movies that's more grating than entertaining.

RATING: 5/10

TRAILER

Series Outro: Cop Rock

Well it might have only been eleven episodes, but “Cop Rock” felt like an incredibly-long journey: it took me over two months to watch them, with up to three weeks between some episodes because--and this is neither a joke, nor hyperbole--I was dreading it. There were times when I literally had to force myself to sit down to a viewing, just so I could make some forward progress. Seriously. Add to that the startling reality that all the episodes that filled my heart with fear were the first few (and by “few“ I mean half-dozen, which is more than half the total number), and it’s no wonder that it was axed when it was, after just eleven episodes.

I even mentioned in an episode review that, as the season wore on and I found myself warming up to the idea, I couldn’t tell if the show was legitimately getting better, or if it had just pummeled me into a reluctant acceptance of its idea. Aside from the last two episodes, which are actually very good (especially in comparison to the rest), this is a critique that I still maintain. Having a standard set of five songs per episode, which according to an Entertainment Weekly article from before its premiere, take up a whopping 12 minutes (out of approximately 47) per episode; about a quarter of an episode's total allotted length, didn't give much time to pursue actual storylines. It certainly gave the songwriters a legitimate enough workload to earn their paychecks, but the sheer number forced the music department into taking some real risks, in terms of the subjects it deemed worthy of being the focus of a song. It is no doubt thanks to the five-song standard that we were treated to such misguided duds as “Baby Merchant”, in which a man who sells babies (?) assures a couple (who happen to be undercover cops) that he will get them exactly the kind of baby they ask for; and “Lament of the Line-up Guys”, an aptly-titled, yet dud of a song in which a line-up of Latino men rap about being targeted by the police simply because of their race. I could keep going on and on, like the ditty with Chief Kendrick singing a country-themed tune while riding through the streets on a horse, or the many sung from the perspectives of pathetic characters, but I realized that I have just opened a can of worms, because the bad songs vastly outnumber the good ones.

"LAMENT OF THE LINE UP GUYS"

At the same time, the inclusion of musical numbers becomes a catch 22, because removing them would simply leave your standard cop show. While much of the blame can be laid at the feet of co-creator Stephen Bochco (yeah, THAT Stephen Bochco, he of “Hill Street Blues” fame before, and “NYPD Blue” fame ahead), I have to commend him for at least trying something new with the endless goodwill he had built up from the network. He could have just rested on his laurels and presented another straightforward police procedural, which I guess history maintains he still should have done, but he didn’t, and instead used his pull to create something that no one else would have been able to get greenlit. The one thing I learned that makes me respect Mr. Bochco even more, despite my overall dislike of this series, is his absolute dedication to the material: he helped write or co-write every episode (except for, curiously, the final one), and even balked at the network’s offer to continue the show without the musical numbers, something that almost certainly would have bought it at least one more season. Instead, he chose to take the high road, refused to sell out his co-vision (he created the series along with William M. Finkelstein), and watched it sputter and fail to attract an audience to the bitter end. Granted, an argument could be made that his clout was so great, he didn’t need to rely on its success to know that he would be afforded another chance (so admired was he that CBS offered him a job as president of the entertainment division; had he not turned it down, he would have been in charge of every show on the network, with the exception of news and sports), but even by that logic, this show couldn’t have possibly been made by anyone else. The network only attempted it given Bochcho’s name being attached to it, and even before the first episode aired, acknowledged that it was a huge risk. So any way you dice it, this is a show that lived and died on its own terms.

"I ACHE TO HEAR THE DOHGIES SING AGAIN"

I don’t watch much television at all, so I am far from any sort of reliable source on the medium, but the one thing I will give it is that its standing as one of the worst shows ever made feels pretty misguided. There’s no denying that I hated the first few episodes, and was ready to throw in the towel after number three, but the second half did pick up quite a bit. The problem is that it’s such an easy target: a show that couldn’t tell if it wanted to attract viewers with its grittiness, or with lighthearted comedic bits, or with its music. It was a constant push-and-pull, with some scenes that tried to wallow in all three bits at once, to expectedly disastrous results. Maybe I just have a different set of criteria than most, but I would take an epic, intriguing failure over a lazy, dull, uninspired bomb any day of the week; if you can’t at least acknowledge that “Cop Rock” is “intriguing”, then it wasn’t anywhere close to being down your alley to begin with.

I can’t really recommend this show to anyone, but if you think you might possibly like it, I will still urge you to check it out. I mean, just the awkward blend of drop-dead serious plot points focusing on racism and homophobia, paired with the frequently-bizarre songs will be enough to make even the most ardent fans of musical theater cringe; I shouldn’t have to mention what that same pairing will do to fans of gritty police shows. I can’t even say that this is a show ahead of its time, which is usually a classic argument for risky older shows that fail to catch on and find viewers, because if kept within the same format as it was back then, I would argue that it would somehow manage to be an even bigger bomb today. Still, there are enough people out there in the world that odds are somewhere around 100% that this ugly combination might actually work for some.

"HE'S GUILTY"

Right as I’m posting this, the series has been quietly released to DVD (by Shout! Factory), so now there is a legal (and widely available) way to view them. There were a couple low-quality copies available on YouTube (which is how I viewed them), but those have since been taken down, probably by the studio to force you into buying their product. I find this to be a rather shortsighted attempt on their part, as the copies available on YouTube were of terrible quality, but at least the songs remain viewable online, so you can get a taste of what the series is like before you pony up to buy the discs. While we’re at it, props to Shout! for delivering an obviously very niche product to the masses. Who knows, maybe it will take off so much, we’ll be seeing a “Cop Rock” remake within the next few years, though I would hope that we’ll see Armageddon before that…

(Also, for the sake of a full disclaimer, I am in no way, shape, or form affiliated with Shout! Factory or their forthcoming DVD.)

SERIES RATING: 4/10

"COP ROCK" PROMO

"COP ROCK" PROMO 2

Cop Rock S1, E11: Bang the Potts Slowly

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Paul McCrane as Det. Bob McIntire
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Jeffrey Alan Chandler as Ray Rodbart
Teri Austin as Trish Vaughn
Dennis Lipscomb as Sidney Weitz

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Toni Graphia and John Romano

Directed by: Fred Gerber

Well here it is at last: the final episode of “Cop Rock”. I’m going to have a separate article detailing my overall impressions of the show and summarizing all my thoughts now that I have waded through all eleven episodes, so this will be business as usual as we take a look at episode eleven specifically.

In a minor note, this is the first episode that has started off with a recap of what’s already happened in the series. It’s kind of pointless, because it basically recaps the entire series in around two minutes, so if you hadn’t seen an episode up to this point, you still wouldn’t understand a whole lot of what’s going on.

From here, we get a new storyline, which is rather bizarre for a show to do in its final episode; a serial rapist is on the loose. The episode opens to a victim describing her ordeal with her attacker: he grabbed her, forced her into some brush, threatened her with a straight razor, and then cut off her clothes with said sharp object before sexually assaulting her. This is just one of a string of such attacks, which have targeted many sorority-type college girls over the span of the last two weeks (it is kind of bizarre, then, that the victim reciting the details doesn’t really seem to be college-age, nor a sorority type, but I suppose that’s just a minor quibble; after all, a crime is a crime).

Now we’re treated to our pre-credits song, which is sung by a bunch of female officers and focuses on how they want to catch the rapist. It’s a kind of bizarre little number, featuring such lines as “Hey, I got something for you/Come on, come and get it”, which is obviously a reference to them luring the subject to them, presumably using their bodies. I think that’s the gist of the song; unless I feel like a song is well-placed and “necessary”, I generally use the musical interludes as time to get caught up on my social media. In the grand scheme of things, though, this song wasn’t atrocious, nor was it anything even remotely resembling “good”; we’ll just say it’s slightly below-average and leave it at that.

"CHOOSE ME, BABY"

In an as-of-now unrelated plotline, Detective Bob McIntire, who I believe has top billing in every episode despite only appearing in a small handful and being one of the main focuses in only one, leads a team comprised of Vicki Quinn and her new partner, Officer Stillman, to shut down an alleged “chop shop” operating within the city. Remember, Stillman is a sexist who doesn’t feel like women should be allowed to be cops; ironically, this aspect of his character isn’t even touched upon in this episode, which merely focuses on how he’s an idiot.

As it’s explained to all participating officers beforehand, the chop shop is run by a guy known as Bruckner, who operates it out of an extension of his own home. Thus, his house, and the alleged chop shop, have two separate addresses. This little bit of vital information seems to be lost on Stillman who, desperate to find some kind of evidence to pin on Bruckner after nothing illegal is found in an initial search, heads into the house to see if he can find anything there. Out in the open, in a little case, is a white-handled straight razor, just like the one the rape victim mentioned seeing on her attacker! He presents this to the other officers, who get pissed because it’s inadmissible evidence; remember the whole different address thing? Well they only have a search warrant for the alleged chop shop and not the house. Uh oh, Stillman!

Meanwhile, Captain Hollander doesn’t want to let Bruckner get away, so he consults with some guy from some kind of legal counsel, who keeps shooting down Hollander’s suggestions for allowing the evidence to stick. Basically, since the razor was found during an illegal search, it’s inadmissible in court, and can’t even be used to apprehend him. According to the smart legal guy, the only way they can grab him is if one of his victims happens to identify him without the use of any of the evidence found illegally. It’s a tough order, but the Captain feels like Officers Frank Rose and Joseph Gaines are the perfect guys for the job.

They arrest Bruckner without just cause, making up a variety of “offenses” that are actually humorous (having right-hand tread on a left-side tire, floormats that aren’t “attached” to the floor, and an open box of tissues) and haul him into the station. There, Captain Hollander immediately requests that they let him go, to which Bruckner is thankful. Only, the rape victim is there, going over more details of the crime, and oblivious to their ultimate plan. Rose and Gaines lead Bruckner toward an exit through the offices, and once the victim sees Bruckner, she immediately breaks down and identifies him as the attacker. Way to go, guys!

Next, Campo talks to Quinn, who reveals to him that she and Ralph are getting divorced. Campo offers to be there for her, but she’s too upset to care what he has to say, and walks off. And oddly, just like that, that is Campo’s send-off from the show; he doesn’t appear again (well, until the finale, but we’ll have more on that later). The next time we see Vicki, she’s at home packing up; Ralph seems depressed about the whole situation that he has created by asking for a divorce, and keeps offering to help Vicki carry her bags out. Vicki keeps asking him to reconsider, but Ralph has no interest in that. It’s kind of a weird scene, made all the more weird by the ensuing song that Vicki sings about her feelings (“How do you make your feelings lay down and die/how do you say goodbye?”), which has an ‘80s pop feel. With that, Ralph is done.

"HOW DO YOU SAY GOODBYE?"

In the obligatory Mayor Louise Plank storyline, she is looking to get elected into the Senate, and even though the election is more than a year away, her close advisers feel that it’s never too early to get a head start. So they set about making some commercials for her, which end up angering the elderly actors, who start to revolt because the shooting schedule is affecting the time of their meals. It’s kind of a stupid, unnecessary development here, and it doesn’t come off as very funny, but oh well.

In one of the few songs that do make sense within the context of the show, they do produce a singing campaign advertisement for her, which feature locals singing and dancing to show their support for Mayor Plank (“She knows just what to do, so vote for her in 1992”). As we see this dance routine, it’s also being played for Louise, her assistant Ray, Eliot and Michael Weinstein (close advisers and the directors that pissed off the elderly people earlier), and Barney Rhoades, a distinguished man who has some kind of political connection to Louise, though I’m not sure what it is. He feels that she is ready for the Senate and will win a seat, which is the curious spot where this story ends.

I'LL CLEAN IT UP

Lastly, Chief Kendrick and his assistant Ozzie hold a meeting with Captain Hollander informing him that Detective LaRusso will essentially have his old job back. Hollander doesn’t want to be in charge of a man he views as a loose cannon, but he’s not given any kind of option. Everyone involved is against it, but the politics of the case (if they fire him, he will sue and have a good chance of winning, while also making the department look like they are out to get him) require this solution. Hollander eventually agrees, under the stipulation that he will treat LaRusso the way he sees fit, and the Chief, and the rest of the upper brass, have to back him up. Everyone agrees.

Hollander is also given the unenviable task of having to tell Potts that his former partner, who he was urged to testify against, will be coming back to the force. Potts handles this about as well as you would expect him to, going off on the Captain for encouraging him to testify and putting him in this predicament in the first place. Hollander and Ozzie offer to relocate him, or even put his name in for a promotion, but he’s not interested in any of that stuff; his concern is that, no matter where he goes or what he does, the cops will hate him for what he did. That’s probably a good point.

And in the final story arc, LaRusso is given some potential money-making options by his attorney, Sidney Weitz (paid speeches, optioning his story for movies, etc.), but all he wants to do is go back to being a cop. Oddly, Weitz temporarily becomes a bad guy, reminding him that if he had charged him what he would have charged anyone else for accepting his case, LaRusso would owe him $250,000. LaRusso just tells him to bill him and he’ll pay it off as he gets the money. Weitz retorts that neither of them have that much time remaining; LaRusso eventually storms out. Oddly, Trish (the attorney he had a fling with, and even tried to get pregnant in the previous episode) is also in the room, but says nothing the entire time, which is a weird way to send her off. Did she ever get pregnant? Is there any kind of a future at all between the two? We’ll never know; it’s also frustrating since the two were kind of set up in earlier episodes as a potential “odd couple”, so I’m surprised that whole thing was completely abandoned the way it was.

When LaRusso finally returns, he’s given a hero’s welcome (via a bad song) by a large group of the guys; Potts and Hollander are not amused. LaRusso then visits Hollander, which is merely to report for duty. The whole meeting here is cold, but that’s mainly because of Hollander…you can feel the tension in the room. For his part, LaRusso actually handles it pretty well, so maybe the whole situation he has gone through has matured him a bit after all, and opened his eyes to the fact that his actions can have dire consequences. But Hollander and LaRusso agree to just put the past behind them and move on as best that they can.

LaRusso then meets with Potts, who’s packing up his stuff. He tries getting Potts to be his partner again, but Potts doesn’t seem even remotely open to that possibility; the conversation reaches a head when LaRusso has the nerve to tell Potts he forgives him (for testifying against him), to which Potts responds by punching him in the face and storming off. LaRusso is absolutely pissed after that…that would have been a storyline to watch had the series continued, but that’s the way it ends. We can only assume Potts went through with his plan to quit the force after all.

Then that takes us to a scene where Kendrick and Ozzie are having a conversation in his office. Kendrick starts, “I can’t believe they canceled us,” to which Ozzie replies, “I know, I only got to sing one song.” It’s a smart, somewhat audacious breaking of the fourth wall, from a show that, by this point, literally had nothing else to lose. After arguing about who got to sing how many songs for a bit, Kendrick continues with: “I loved my character. I’m going to miss the people.” Then out comes every single one of the main characters, to sing a final song entitled “We’ll Rise Again.” It’s a very fun, laid-back musical number in which all of them are singing as their real-life counterparts, rather than their characters; but it’s also smart in that it’s brimming with an honesty and self-awareness (David Gianapolous, who played Andy Campo, sings “Lately we’ve been nervous, when the telephone rings,” an obvious reference to the cast and crew fearing the inevitable news of cancellation) that was missing from a lot of the stereotype-y lyrics (there‘s also a reference made to “ABC“, by Chief Kendrick‘s Ronny Cox, but I can‘t make out the line before it to see if it‘s playful or an attack).

Honestly, this is probably the best way the show could have ended, with everyone looking relieved and appearing to have an honest-to-God good time. The show might not have always known if it wanted to play it straight or go tongue-in-cheek, to often abysmal results that I have noted in several reviews, but it at least went out on its own terms, and hit all the right notes in the process. Overall, this was a good episode on its own, but the ending number really sealed the deal, making this far and away the best one of the entire series. It’s great that the series managed to get better as the season went on, and I’m happy that the series was able to end the way it did.

EPISODE RATING: 8/10

"WE'LL RIDE AGAIN" (FINAL SONG)

Cop Rock S1, E10: No Noose is Good Noose

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Jeffrey Alan Chandler as Ray Rodbart
Teri Austin as Trish Vaughn
Dennis Lipscomb as Sidney Weitz

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and Toni Graphia and John Romano

Directed by: Michael M. Robin

Who comes up with these damned titles?  I’ve complained about them before, but they really kind of help to cheapen the mood of the episode, as this one actually has a couple of bombs to drop.  They’re not all entirely unexpected, but I have to say this has by far been the best episode yet, and with only one episode to go, it will be interesting to see how they all pan out (and answering my question from the previous review, it would appear that they do tie up all the main storylines).

In the first one, LaRusso is being treated to a birthday party at a bar, which of course comes with a stripper!  He sings a song about how he’s becoming a “household name” when all he wants to do is be left alone.  It’s a jazzy number, but it doesn’t really work all that well; probably because seeing a “tough-as-nails” guy like LaRusso singing a song just seems so counter to his character.  It doesn’t matter how much he winces or what kinds of faces he makes, his whole allure just goes down the drain.

"TO LIVE AND DIE A COP"

But there are more pressing matters at hand for LaRusso in this episode, and for the latest, we will be taking you to the coutroom.  A weapons expert testifies that it would, in fact, be possible for a man with his hands cuffed behind his back to get his hands on a weapon and pull the trigger.  Despite prosecuting attorney Phalen’s (CCH Pounder) protests to the contrary, the judge allows the expert to prove his statements to the jury.  The expert, with his hands cuffed behind him, is facing a man with free hands, while two guns sit on a table within reach from both.  Sure enough, the weapons expert draws his weapon first and even has time to aim, thus winning a perceived point for LaRusso’s side.

In the next bit, Captain Hollander takes the stand, with Weitz out to prove that the Captain more or less coerced the witnesses to testify against LaRusso because of a personal vendetta against him.  I mean, all that is essentially true, and once again Weitz does a good job of presenting the facts.  He does get into trouble for rambling on a couple times, which also happened in the last one, but for the most part he hits all the right notes.  I am pretty impressed with the balance in the testimony…for the most part, none of the witnesses are made to look like bumbling idiots, so it’s sometimes hard to tell whose points are hitting the jury harder at any given time, which really makes it feel pretty realistic.  It also helps that, both wisely and curiously, there are no songs sung in the courtroom.  Gee, is it a coincidence that the best part of the show so far is music-free?

Next, LaRusso himself testifies, where he sticks to his story that he acted in self-defense, then has to withstand Phalen’s cross examination.  Her biggest point hinges on why his partner, Donnie Potts, would testify that LaRusso flat-out murdered Tyrone Powers if it wasn’t true.  LaRusso counters that he can’t know for sure, because he’s not Potts, but that he believes Potts was scared, which plays into Weitz’s earlier argument against Hollander.  Phalen gets the last word here, insinuating that he pulled the trigger because he knew he could lie his way out, so we’ll see what sticks with the jury.  Both sides state their closing arguments and all that’s left to do is wait for the verdict.

In a rather unexpected and bizarre setup, LaRusso tells his attorney, Trish, who he had a fling with in an earlier episode, that he wants to get her pregnant in case they find him guilty and he’s put away for a substantial amount of time.  He wants to know that there’s an extension of him on the outside, while he wastes away.  Oddly, she agrees, though we’re thankfully spared the sight of the baby’s conception.

Apparently, all the witnesses have testified and we’re just waiting on the verdict.  I have to admit that I was pretty nervous leading up to this…I had a feeling that I knew which way it was going to go, but there was no way that I could be sure.  The biggest misstep of this whole part, though, is taking a peak into the jury deliberation, where they’re arguing their cases, with the general consensus seeming to be that he is guilty.  Leave it to a black woman from the very same streets Tyrone was raised on to sing a song about how she believes there’s reasonable doubt, because people like Tyrone are everywhere out there and don’t deserve respect.  I really wish they would have left this part out, because after seeing this generic “12 Angry Men” scenario, I was pretty sure what way it was going to go.  It would have been a lot more effective had they left it out.

"JURY'S SONG"

The verdict is in!  And LaRusso is….

Andy Campo only gets about thirty seconds of screen time here, and it’s simply to announce that he has a new partner.  And of course, she’s hot.  And of course his former partner, Vicki Quinn, sees her and is jealous.  But Vicki has way more pressing issues than Campo’s new colleague: she has started marriage counseling with Ralph.  The first session doesn’t go too well, with Vicki admitting that she is sexually attracted to Andy, yet maintaining that nothing ever happened.  This doesn’t sit well with Ralph, who storms out; when Vicki accuses him of running away from his problems, he tells her that if he stays, he would get physical with her.  Ouch.

The next session doesn’t go any better, and that’s where the second-biggest bombshell is dropped, because Ralph announces that he doesn’t want to go through any of this.  Yes, that’s right, he wants a divorce!  On the one hand, I’m not very surprised, because I assumed the endgame of this plotline was always to get Campo and Quinn together, and with one episode left, there just isn’t any time for them to try to work anything out.  But on the other hand, for him to give up so easily is a little bizarre, especially since there is no way he’ll be able to ever land anyone as attractive as Vicki.  Wow.

Chief Kendrick, as usual, has the dumbest story of the episode: His assistant, Ozzie, prepares a statement for him to address the media in regards to his perceived racism.  The Chief refuses to do it, instead opting to show up during a drug sweep in a poor, African-American neighborhood to show the “blacks” that he’s willing to get his hands dirty, too.  He blows his cover because he’s an idiot, inviting all the poor passersby to come take a look at all the drugs and weapons they found and are taking off the street.  By calling attention to the scene, he also is calling direct attention to himself, and a couple people in the crowd call him out for being a racist.  Nervous, he flees.

This leads to a stupid nightmare he has in which his assistant Ozzie, who is black, tries him for “racial prejudice” in a courtroom made up entirely of African-Americans.  They immediately find him guilty, at which point they all start chanting “Hang him!” before breaking out into song.  They lead him up to the gallows and flip the switch, at which point he wakes up. Turns out, he was taking a nap in his office.  Anyway, he has a heart-to-heart with Ozzie, who feels like he’s not racist toward blacks so much as he just doesn’t understand them.

"YOUR NUMBER'S UP"

As I said earlier, this is far and away the best episode of the series so far.  With only one episode left, unless the final one is the greatest hour of television in history, this show is still going to go down as a misfire, and a justified cancellation, but at the very least it seems to be going out on an upward trajectory, something I had pretty much written off earlier in the series.  The songs here are pretty tolerable, save for a weird little section involving undercover hookers who sing about capturing bad guys, and then later, a man that’s caught soliciting one singing about how all he wants is attention and tenderness, that’s every bit as cringe-worthy as it sounds.  But as I said earlier, the decision to leave songs out of the courtroom make those scenes as engrossing as anything this show has ever done.  In the grand scheme of things, that might just be a small victory, but I’m sure it’ll take anything it can get.

EPISODE RATING: 6.5/10

NOTE: As expected, the release of the DVD has lead to full episodes being taken off YouTube, which, in my opinion, is a terrible call.  But business is business, I suppose!

Cop Rock S1, E9: Marital Blitz

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Jeffrey Alan Chandler as Ray Rodbart
Teri Austin as Trish Vaughn
Dennis Lipscomb as Sidney Weitz

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and Toni Graphia and John Romano

Directed by: Gilbert M. Shilton

This show has done something that I can’t recall many, if any, other shows or movies doing to me over the course of my life, and that’s to completely confuse me as to what’s “good” or “bad”.  If you’ve been following my reviews for this series as I’ve been posting them, then you’d know that I hated the first few episodes, but have given the couple since higher marks; the marks are still fairly low, but they represent more “average” fare, rather than the nearly “bottom-of-the-barrel” scores from earlier episodes.

But has the show really gotten any better?  Or has forcing myself to sit down and continue to watch it, long after my interest has waned, merely desensitized my emotions to the point that I no longer feel a strong hatred towards it, but instead a dulled acceptance?  Or was I maybe being a little too harsh on it at the beginning, have opened my mind to the idea a bit more, and now realize that it is, in fact, mediocre rather than an abject failure?  I honestly can’t say for sure, but “Marital Blitz” continues the trajectory of the previous episodes, firmly implanting the series in “average” territory, and digging itself out of the early hole I found it in.

It begins, as it always does, with a song: in this case, the setting is some auditorium somewhere, where Chief Kendrick is awarding several officers with a Medal of Valor.  Rather than merely walking to the podium and accepting the award, as people would normally do, the recipients all take turns singing about how they may be heroes, but so is everyone else that wears the blue and a badge (“You honor us with glory/we’re glad to heed the call/but if one of us is a hero, then we’re heroes all.”)  Lyrically, it’s really kind of a gag-inducing number, which relies on clichés and stereotypes (as many of these songs seem to do), but it does get some help from the theatrical stage lighting, which illuminates each cop as it’s their turn to sing.  This is common in theater, and I think this show has even done it before, but it works to good effect here.

"IF ONE OF US IS A HERO"

After the credits (God, what a terrible credit sequence and a joke of a theme) we continue with Chief Kendrick, who is bombarded by the press after leaving the medal ceremony, for his anti-gay and anti-Semitic remarks to the press in a previous episode.  He also faces more questions about his beliefs that Detective LaRusso is innocent, which he continues to defend, even though we know facts to the contrary.  Once again, he faces some backlash in the press for voicing his opinions, even though the criminal trial is currently ongoing.  When will he ever learn?

The latest outrage once again angers Mayor Louise Plank (who Kendrick is dating), who is disappointed in the way he carries himself and always seems to lose his cool when facing reporters.  So to start “mending fences” with the press before things get out of hand, the Mayor decides to have an apology speech prepared for him that he will recite at a press conference.  Right after excusing him from her office, she asks her assistant, the homosexual Ray Rodbart (sexual preference mentioned only as a reference to a forthcoming lame joke) if she was too hard on him, something she has done before.  He assures her that she wasn’t.  Her attention quickly shifts to his forthcoming birthday, and after discussing with Ray possible gift options, it is Ray (of course) who comes up with the idea to get him something “leather”.  The Mayor thinks this is a great idea, and decides to get him a saddle, for his horse.  After deciding on a color and style, of course that’s when Ray has to chime in with: “Would you like to see matching chap or spur options?”  Oh, where would we be without stereotypical gay jokes?

Anyway, the whole thing unfolds as it often does in television shows: Kendrick awkwardly and disinterestedly delivers his pre-written speech to the press, and when his sincerity is questioned, launches into an impassioned speech about how he may occasionally let his emotions get the best of him and misspeak, but at the end of the day he’s as human as everyone else.  Now I guess we’re all supposed to stand up and cheer for him and his honesty.  The conference doesn’t quite go entirely smooth: he gets so worked up that he ends it by calling the gathered reporters “left-wing media jackals.”  Uh-oh.  But in true television fashion, this part doesn’t anger the Mayor…instead it turns her on (but then again, what doesn’t seem to?)

In Vicki news, she is keeping her promise from the end of the previous episode, and it is in this one that she informs her partner, Andy Campo, that she has put in for a new partner.  Of course, Andy is devastated and angry, but really has no choice but to accept it, which he reluctantly does.  She then goes to tell Captain Hollander, who, somewhat surprisingly, is in complete agreement with her, “given the situation.”  It’s good to see that he’s largely been a likable guy lately, rather than the heartless asshole he was portrayed as in the first couple episodes.

In predictable fashion, their new partners arrive the same day, and would you believe that both of them prove to be complete opposites from what they are used to?  Campo gets Officer Petrovich (I think this is her name; she is only credited as “cop”), a manly-looking woman who likes to highlight her masculine side.  But she comes undone after a stupid confrontation in a fast-food chicken restaurant requires her to use physical force, at which point she forces herself on Campo, and forces us to hear her sing a terrible, terrible song about how intense situations turn her on.  Okay.  Meanwhile Vicki’s new partner, Officer Stillman, just happens to be a sexist pig to openly tells her on their first shift together that he doesn’t think women should grow up to be officers.  Yawn.

"I WANNA GO BUMPTY BUMPTY"

Campo tells the Captain about his awkward experience of nearly being raped by his partner, and after Hollander initially accuses his hesitance to accept his new partner as sexism (even though he worked with Vicki Quinn for the previous three years, so it's an argument that holds no weight), eventually agrees to see what he can do.  Stillman enters the office a short while later, offering his complaint that he wasn’t expecting to be with a woman.  Hollander is having no part of this complaint and tells him that Vicki is twice the cop that he is, and will probably ever be, in another melodramatic, obligatory scene that we’re supposed to stand up and applaud.  This is where these parallel stories stop for now, so I’m kind of interested to see how they play out in the next episode.

And in the last bit of narrative, we find that the creators didn’t think it was enough to have part cop show and part musical…now they have added part courtroom drama into the mix!  Vincent LaRusso’s trial is finally underway.  Things get off to an interesting start when, in the middle of the hearing, a black man stands up and causes disorder in the courtroom by accusing LaRusso of being a “racist assassin”, apparently based on the testimony he had heard up to that point.  The judge orders him excused, and then grants a recess for everyone to clear their mind, which leads LaRusso to confront the man out in the hallway, as he sounds off to the gathered media.  In a rare bit of restraint, LaRusso handles himself well, sticking to words instead of losing his cool and wailing on the guy, which I thought was going to be the outcome.  Also unexpected is that the ensuing song, sung from the reporters’ points of view and titled “For the Record“, is actually kind of good.  It falls into the same trap that “Cop Rock” frequently does, and that’s that it relies on stereotypes and never really brings anything new to the table, but I guess that’s the standard confines of network television.  “For the Record” is about how the media focuses on sensationalism and public interest rather than actual news stories; the final shot of the reporters suddenly leaving, as if moving on to the next big story, thus leaving LaRusso and his accuser alone in the hallway is as strong--and complex--an image that this show has ever presented us.

After this, it’s back into the courtroom, free from interruption, musical or otherwise, as the trial continues.  Officers Gaines and Potts, as well as Detective Lieutenant Ralph Ruskin, all testify against LaRusso, with LaRusso’s defense attorney, Sidney Weitz, focusing on their ever-changing stories, and calling their characters into question.  These scenes don’t have much impact, because we already know what happened and whether or not he‘s guilty; to me, it’s a rather curious decision that the writers focused so much on the courtroom aspects.

In between the testimony, LaRusso has an uncharacteristically weak moment: he busts into the office of Trish, his attorney, and tells her that he’s going to skip town because he’s sure that he will be convicted.  He even goes so far as to inform her that he has a fake passport and identification already prepared, ensuring that he can skip town at any moment.  He is short on one thing, however: cash.  The ridiculousness of this situation is that it becomes clear that he’s hoping Trish would be his financier.  Why would she risk getting caught aiding a known fugitive if he were to run away?  Thankfully, she talks him down and assures him that once all the witnesses have spoken, the jury will take their side.  LaRusso doesn’t seem too confident in this assessment, but it’s enough to get him to halt his escape plans…at least for now.

The episode ends during Potts’ testimony. After he admits to Weitz that he changed his story (like the rest), tells him that he changed his story to clear his conscience (like the rest), and then faces a question involving possible bribery from Captain Hollander (like the rest), he goes on a verbal tirade about how, if he was truly doing this only to look out for his best interests, he could have just kept his mouth shut and there wouldn’t have been a trial.  He then discusses how he used to love being a cop, but because of his decision to testify, cops have turned on him and he, and his family, are in constant fear of their lives.  But despite this, his family is proud of him for deciding to do it, all because he‘s doing the right thing.  There’s a quick shot of LaRusso staring intently at him, though what emotion is running through him is kind of hard to read--anger? respect?--before we fade out on Potts’ dedicated, intense stare.

The songs in this one ranged from absolutely cringe-inducing (the terribly-named “I Wanna Go Bumpty Bumpty”, where ‘bumpty bumpty’ is a euphemism for sex), to somewhat palatable, with “For the Record” emerging as the best one.  Somehow, and despite the awful number, this episode still happens to be one of the better ones in terms of overall musical quality, and if someone (anyone!) could have had the presence of mind to pull the plug on “Bumpty”, it could have been even stronger.

The whole Chief Kendrick and Mayor Plank subplot seems to be running around in circles and going nowhere, but at least the remaining stories appear to be picking up some steam.  With only two episodes left (and, according to an article I found online, the network’s statement of cancellation announced over a month before the final episode aired), it will be interesting to see if they had time to alter storylines so that all the loose ends are tied up: if that’s the case, then the next episode should have them move toward a clear resolve.  Either way, it’s a ride that I certainly won’t be sad to see end when the time comes, despite the (perception of) gradual improvement here in the home stretch.

EPISODE RATING: 5/10

FULL EPISODE

Cop Rock S1, E8: Potts Don't Fail Me Now

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Jeffrey Alan Chandler as Ray Rodbart
Teri Austin as Trish Vaughn

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and Michael Graham and John Romano

Directed by: Brad Silberling

Let’s get things started this week with something that I have largely been ignoring, that also plays a big role in the conflicting emotions this series toys with, and that’s the episode titles, which tend to be puns involving the characters played to comedic effect.  While this week’s title is a pretty terrible pun (it’s a takeoff of “Feets, don’t fail me now”, which I had to look up to understand), it has a history that is actually befitting of this episode.  It was attributed to several African-American performers in the 1920s who went by names like Stepin Fetchit, or Sleep ‘n Eat…in other words, black performers who catered to the stereotype of the lazy Negro.  It is perhaps unsurprising that both of them went on to be two of the most famous black actors of their day, though it came at the cost of belittling their own race and heritage.

I noted that the last episode started dealing with topics of racism and homophobia--this episode continues that trend by sticking mostly to racism.  Ironically, though, it all begins with some white people drama: Ralph confronts Vicki and encourages her to find another partner, which she refuses to do, simply because she won‘t allow her husband to bully her.  It seems like a scene like this is now required in every episode going forward; it’s quickly becoming the least interesting plotline of the entire series.  This scene also leads to the pre-theme song, in which Vicki and some friends sing “Why Can’t a Man Be More Like a Woman?” in the ladies’ locker room.  Pretty painful stuff.

"WHY CAN'T A MAN BE MORE LIKE A WOMAN?"

But this isn’t the only time it rears its ugly head: later on, at a bar, Campo (Vicki’s partner for those not in the know) approaches Ralph, hoping to find a way to set aside their differences.  Ralph assures him there is a way to do that, and then proceeds to punch him in the face.  A fight ensues, but is quickly broken up by other bar patrons.  This leads to a visit to the captain’s office, who encourages them to settle their differences amongst themselves, because if Captain Hollander has to do it for them, they won’t like the consequences.

To round out this plot development, at least as far as this episode is concerned, Vicki visits Ralph at the office and encourages him to go to counseling with her.  He is reluctant, but he strikes up a compromise: if he goes to counseling to help save their marriage, she has to get another partner.  I have a feeling Ralph will end up doing further damage to his marriage in some way, thus pushing Vicki right into Campo’s arms at some point in the near future…we’ll see if I’m right!

Moving onto the race aspects, which dominate almost all the other storylines for the week: The white cops assigned to watch the Potts residence (reminder: Potts is the black cop scheduled to testify against is white partner, Detective LaRusso, who shot and killed a known cop-killer for no reason) “capture” three men on Potts’ lawn who are attempting to speak to him.  One of whom, Omar, is played by Tony Todd, who you may remember as either Ben from the Night of the Living Dead remake, or as the Candyman in the eponymous film (or any one of his other 192 film and television credits)!  The cops play their tough guy routine, but Potts wants to hear what the men, who are from a Muslim organization, have to say.  They are concerned that he has white officers watching him and his family, and offer their protection, believing that blacks would better protect one of their own.  He denies this and sends them on their way.

Continuing on with Potts, who gets a lot of screen time in this one, he is “pre-screened” by Sidney Weitz and Trish Vaughn, who as you may remember are the attorneys for Detective LaRusso.  They just want to know roughly how he is going to respond to the questions on the stand, to see if he will make a good witness for them; he answers the questions truthfully, and then gets his words twisted around by Trish, which frustrates him and causes him to storm out of the room.

For a second opinion, Potts goes to a black lawyer who either seems to specialize in, or merely has a lot of experience with, police cases.  The lawyer tells him to support LaRusso’s claim, much to Potts’ shock, with the explanation that if he testifies against him, as he is planning to do, all the white cops on the force will see LaRusso as a martyr, while they’ll see him as a rat, and want to make life hell for him.  This leads Potts to have a change of heart, so he goes to tell Captain Hollander that he’s changed his mind, and that he is not going to testify.  This disappoints Hollander, mainly because he wants to see LaRusso behind bars, but there’s really nothing he can do about it.  At the end of the episode, he is approached by Commander Warren Osborne, also a black man and the right-hand man of the Chief of Police, who tells him that his fellow officers already see him as a traitor, and that they’re going to give him a tough time even if he steps down, so he might as well do the right thing.  This gives him some food for thought for the next ep.

In the other racially-tinged plotline, a six-year-old African-American child is gunned down, by accident, after getting caught in the crossfire of a drive-by shooting.  He is the only casualty.  For dramatic effect, there’s the required scene that the mother, who seems to always have to be a larger black woman, runs out screaming and crying that her baby has been taken from her.  Of course, “Cop Rock” can take it one step further, and they do, by giving her a song, with lyrics such as: “Why God must the innocent suffer, Lord? How many must die, Lord, before we know why, Lord?”  It’s an admirable attempt, I suppose, but the minimalist music and bland lyrics do in what could have been a much more powerful song.

"WHY LORD?"

Officer Frank Rose is disgusted by the scene of a dead six-year-old kid in a rough neighborhood, but is bothered even moreso by the lack of concern from Detective Miller, who is the white cop tasked with overseeing the investigation.  At one point, Rose approaches Miller at a bar, giving him a list of partial tags and descriptions of vehicles that were spotted at the scene.  Obviously, Rose is merely doing this out of interest in the case, but Miller sees this as a personal attack; his response is to sing a song to Rose’s partner, Joe Gaines, about how Rose can’t be trusted, simply because he’s black (“When you need a man to watch your back, blue is blue and black is black” are some example lyrics, with an emphasis on, and a look of utter contempt during, the last part).  As expected, an unswayed Gaines calls him a “jerk” and leaves.

Later on, Rose follows up on the case again with Miller, who storms into the Captain’s office and tells him that if the Captain won’t “take care” of Rose, then he will.  This doesn’t seem to sit too well with Cap’n Hollander, but things go south even quicker when, later on, Miller tells Rose that he sees black-on-black crime merely as a “thinning of the herd”.  Officers are quick to hold back both Rose and Miller, thus preventing a black-on-white crime, but he’s immediately called to Hollander’s office, where he is essentially told to either retire, or he’ll eventually be fired.

In yet another racist-tinged narrative, Chief Kendrick comes under fire at the courthouse that will be hearing the Vincent LaRusso case: he goes on a tirade to the media about how just the fact that LaRusso is being tried makes him sick to his stomach, and that the only people that are questioning his character are “rich west side leftists, negro con merchants“, and the “entertainment industry”, which he feels is mostly made up of “drug addicts, crybabies, and homosexuals who are intent on tearing down all our traditional American values.”  As if this wasn’t enough, he calls LaRusso’s own lawyer “one smart Jew.”  The journalists there couldn’t get to their computers quickly enough after being bombarded with all those sound bytes.

In her only appearance in this episode, Louise Plank chastises him for his behavior, while he thinks that the only people that were angered by his comments, were those that already hated him.  She counters that, as the mayor, she will be called upon to answer to any uproar that this may cause, and that they need to enact some immediate “damage control” to prevent the whole thing from becoming a political liability.  The scene is kind of lost when, despite her impassioned speech just two seconds ago, she still says she wants to have sex with him.  Thankfully, Kendrick isn’t in the mood, and leaves her office.

And to wrap everything up, Captain Hollander runs into trouble of his own when he gets caught up in work and is late to his son’s piano recital; so late, in fact, that he completely missed his son’s turn.  His wife angry, this turns into the clichéd, obligatory cop show storyline where she reprimands him for making promises to his son that he can’t keep, while Captain Hollander defends himself by saying he’s so busy, things are bound to slip through the cracks.  He then goes into his sleeping son’s room and sings a song about how he wants to be there for him, or some such trite nonsense.

All-in-all, this was yet another episode that didn’t completely suck.  While a lot of it is understandably bland--understandable because this aired on network television in the early ‘90s, so it can only push the envelope so far--the scene in which the black lawyer tells him why he should back away is sadly logical, and no doubt genuine, from a society that still can’t accept humans at face value.

EPISODE RATING: 5.5/10

FULL EPISODE

Cop Rock S1, E7: Cop-a-Felliac

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Jeffrey Alan Chandler as Ray Rodbart
Teri Austin as Trish Vaughn

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and Michael Graham and John Romano

Directed by: Arlene Sanford

Once again we have a lot on the docket in this week’s episode of “Cop Rock”, and no time for formalities, so let’s get going right away.

It starts in a meeting room, something we haven’t seen too often in this show, if at all before.  This intro was actually the best one yet, with the lead officer (haven’t seen him before, to my knowledge, and couldn’t locate him in the credits; he might be Mike Finnegan, playing a Lt. Kellogg) running through a list of all the current topics.  The sequence is lighthearted, and overall pretty dumb, but it exhibits a playfulness that tends to be sorely missing from many of the episodes up through this point.  But, as is required, it’s pretty much ruined when he breaks into song, singing “Let’s Be Careful Out There”, which is obviously about the perils they face on a nightly basis.

"LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE"

I’ve mentioned this many times before, but I’m going to do it again: Randy Newman’s theme song is godawful.  It’s really a piece of garbage masquerading as music, and it becomes an even greater annoyance given the show’s formula of always having a song before the opening credits.  This means we’re always bombarded with two back-to-back songs, one from the show, which then leads right into Newman’s staggeringly awful theme song attempt that, may I remind you lest you forget about the incompetence of the selection process behind major award shows, won a fucking Emmy.  Gimme a break.

The show finally steps up to deal with some real heavy-hitting issues here, and no I’m not being facetious: Right from the outset, we get Donnie Potts going to his captain with a newspaper clipping with the headline “LaRusso Partner to Testify”.  Next to that, Potts’ photo is “X”-ed out in red marker with the words “Die Nigger” scrawled underneath.  That’s some pretty hefty stuff for network television in the early ‘90s, so I kind of have to applaud it for that.  The captain assures Potts that they will guard his house around the clock to make sure nothing happens to him or his family, but things take a little racist turn when Potts points out the way he’s treated in the office, to which the captain responds: “Well that part we got to expect”, before telling him that he’s just “going to have to tough it out.”  I’m not going to hold the political-correctness against the show, though, simply because that may have been the mindset in the early ‘90s--hell, it's no doubt the same mindset even today.

This storyline comes to a head when two out of the three officers assigned to patrol Potts’ house leave to investigate a suspicious vehicle, and in that time whoever’s behind the threats has time to light a cross on fire on their lawn (the third officer is the one tasked with guarding the back, so he doesn't see the perpetrators).  Potts’ wife and kids come out on the lawn, followed up by all the other blacks in the neighborhood, as the wife sings “But It's Not Going to Happen Here”, a pretty effective song about racism that persists, but how they won’t let it get to them.  One of the better songs of the entire series so far, and one of the most powerful.

"BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN HERE"

To round out this section of the storyline, LaRusso hears about the threat to Potts and his family, and pays a visit to tell Potts that he’ll take care of anyone that threatens him.  Potts is not happy to hear this, though, (rightfully) claiming that LaRusso murdering Tyrone Powers is the thing that put a target on him in the first place.  LaRusso still sticks to his tough-guy shtick: when Potts asks him why in the world he would ever call him, LaRusso responds with, “Because you know I’m the only guy that will get things done,” before coolly walking off the way characters always do in movies when their words are supposed to stick with you.

Speaking of LaRusso, his storyline begins when he freely admits to his legal team that he killed Tyrone Powers without any cause whatsoever.  The only fallout from this, is that it turns on Trish Vaughn, the attorney that he’s banging, who comes onto him at a local bar, but who refuses to go home with him.  Something’s pretty fishy about this one, so we’ll see if she has some ulterior motives that will eventually come out in future episodes. (She does brutally turn down Officer Gaines, who asks her out, right before he loses his car in a 9-story parking garage and spends the whole time he’s looking singing a song about how nothing’s going right for him, which wins the prestigious “Most Pointless Scene of the Week” award).

Not dissuaded by his admittance in guilt, his legal team tries setting him up to be a hero, by staging an event that he would be in on, like stopping a robbery, or saving a child in a deep hole, that would get the public on his side.  He angrily turns down these options, but accepts an opportunity to speak to a gathering of bail bondsmen.  In a surprise, an all-girl band (named, and I am not kidding, “Brenda and the Bus Monsters”) opens for him, which I think was just a way for them to hit their five-song quota.  During his ensuing speech, he basically admits to murdering Tyrone Powers to the packed room, but their standing ovation clearly shows that he has their support.

"I'M OK" (complete w/ lyrics in description...they're kinda bad)

Meanwhile, the whole “love triangle” between Andy Campo, his partner Vicki Quinn, and her overweight, middle-aged husband (and forensic expert) Ralph Ruskin comes to a head.  You will remember that Quinn was shot while trying to diffuse a hostile situation at a bank, which Ralph blames Andy for allowing to happen.  Things don’t get any easier for him to take when he overhears Andy singing to her while she’s in the hospital, essentially about how much he loves her; not something that’s going to ease the mind of a jealous husband.

Well now is her first day back on the force after recovering from the injury, and Ralph is not happy about that.  So he does what any fellow cop would do, and follows them while they’re patrolling the streets on active duty.  When they stop at a hotel and enter a room, he panics, and as he goes to confront them, pulls out his gun before kicking the door in.  Of course, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess that they are merely on a call--one that apparently involves a dead man in a bra and women’s underwear (again, no joke), but a call nonetheless.  Furious, Quinn confronts him, to which he apologizes, while she assures him that she still loves him and that there’s nothing between her and Andy.  Ralph tells her that if she can look him in the eye and tell him that, he’ll believe her; she does, but he still accuses her of lying before storming off.  Well that’s not a good look there, Ralph.  Obviously, he’s doing more harm than good to the relationship, and will more than likely end up pushing her away.  I will say he does actually have something to worry about, because they do seem to be a little closer than just partners, but the show is probably allowing Ralph to ruin the relationship himself so that viewers can cheer Andy and Vicki finally getting together.

In the second bit of hard-hitting topics, Mayor Louise Plank is having a one-on-one meeting with her trusty assistant, Ray Rodbart.  Ray is turning in his resignation, because he has gotten word that a local reporter is going to write an article “outing” him as gay; Ray doesn’t want the potentially-negative publicity to affect his job, or Louise, and sees this as the only option.  Louise, however, won’t have any of it, claiming that she has his back and that they will go through whatever happens together.  This is one of the few scenes of the entire series that is genuinely strong, without any melodramatic overtones--it probably also helps that no song comes out of it.

Upset by the notion of this article, the Mayor arranges a meeting with Lyle Barry, the reporter breaking the story on Ray.  In a kind of surprising twist (at least to me), Lyle is gay himself, and so the article is not meant to be an attack on Ray, but rather an inspirational piece to show the gay community that there are plenty of other gay role models in the city.  Yet still, the fact that Ray doesn’t want to be “outed” is still a valid point of contention, and one that Louise uses to ask Lyle to leave him out of the story.  At first, Lyle is insistent on continuing with the article, at which point the Mayor reveals some dirty info she has on Mr. Barry: namely that his partner of eight years is an illegal immigrant with no green card.  Lyle accuses her of blackmail, to which she agrees that’s what it is, to which he stupidly retorts something along the lines of, “You have no right to dig up stuff about me,” leaving her wide open to declare that he also has no right to do the same to Ray.  This scene ratchets up the melodramatic quotient a little bit, but it’s still an effective scene, one that’s made even moreso when you realize that, in the early ‘90s when this show was released, gays weren’t nearly as accepted as they are now.  For the show to take a strong, pro-gay angle at that time was a pretty gutsy decision; the fact that the scenes are actually well done make them all the more effective.

I have to say that, while this episode still had its fair share of awful (the main culprits once again being, surprise!, the music), it’s been the closest thing we’ve seen yet to a step in the right direction.  The themes are getting meatier, by focusing on a couple that remain strong and relevant even today (racism and homophobia), and while the songs remain largely unnecessary and forgettable, the “Burning Cross” number is one of the best ones the show has produced.  Unlike most of the musical moments from the series, this one doesn’t seem to be forcing itself upon the viewer, instead letting the heavy message speak for itself.  Sure, the song doesn‘t really have much to say that you haven‘t heard before, but the minimalist music underneath is a smart decision, which allows the vocals and lyrics to take center stage, as they should.

To say that I’m looking forward to watching the next one is still a huge overstatement, but knowing that this show is actually capable of being even “average” is a small victory in and of itself.  Oh, and I have to admit that I have zero ideas what the title is a play-on-words for, so if anyone else might know, feel free to toss it out there and make me look stupid (hemophiliac comes to mind, but that's spelled very differently, and this episode has nothing to do with blood; searching "felliac" in Google comes up only with this episode title, so no help there, either).

EPISODE RATING: 5/10

FULL EPISODE

Cop Rock S1E6: Oil of Ol' Lay

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Teri Austin as Trish Vaughn

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and Tony Graphia and John Romano

Directed by: Michael Fresco

This episode begins with a “homeless sweep”, in which officers make a large group of homeless people pack up, and move to a nearby city.  In fact, as we learn later, that’s their only plan on dealing with the overpopulation of such people--the Captain refuses to do anything more than just flip them to a different precinct so that they become a “nuisance” for a different set of cops than his own.  Sometimes, it would seem, that “Cop Rock” actually gets something right; passing the buck always seems to be the way problems like this are handled.  It just happens to be a “plus”, I guess, that the mass-deported homeless sing a song about how they have “Nowhere to Go”.

After this, LaRusso meets with the attorney that he’s banging; she has just returned from a trip to New York, where she refused to let him accompany her.  She’s a free spirit and refuses to let anyone bog her down, but it seems as if this quality is foreign to LaRusso, who apparently gets any woman that he so desires.  The fact that she doesn't cower at his feet and is able to stand up to him seems to make him want her even more…I wouldn't be surprised if, down the road, we’re going to see them fall in love, because I think that’s what the writers are going for with this story?

But there’s more to this episode for LaRusso than just a love interest--he is also grilled by another attorney, Willa Thalen (or maybe Falen? Hard to decipher on network TV-quality audio, but either way, played by the great CCH Pounder*) who is merely attempting to see how suitable he is to take the witness stand for himself.  As is expected, he doesn’t just sit there and take her barbs, which at first seems to be a bad thing--except that attorney Sidney Weitz feels that, with a little advertising, they can make him into an American hero and get the public on his side, whether or not he ever takes the stand.

Meanwhile, Vicki and Andy, the two cops who are partners, head to a bank, where an angry customer seems to be boiling over.  At first, everyone is convinced the situation can be easily resolved by bank staff, until the unhinged old man pulls a gun out of his jacket, and ends up shooting Vicki in the thigh.  Andy immediately tackles the guy, and nothing further is ever mentioned about his fate.  But Ralph, the forensic expert and Vicki’s husband, is quick to cast the blame on Andy for allowing his wife to get shot.  His opinion certainly isn’t altered when he hears Andy singing (?) to Vicki in the hospital about how their relationship, as partners, is greater than friendship, and he essentially admits that he loves her.

YOU'RE MY PARTNER

Ralph lays low and doesn’t let Andy see him in the hospital, but he eventually does a little digging himself, breaking into the women’s locker room and gaining entry into Vicki’s personal locker, fully expecting to find proof of infidelity (women must not go in there very often, as it remains empty long enough for him to sing a song about why he‘s in there).  This whole side plot is also just the second time that Captain Hollander actually sounds like an intelligent human being, rather than a police show caricature: When Ralph tries bringing up his concerns that Andy was responsible for his wife’s shooting, the Captain is quick to shoot him down, saying none of the evidence supports that theory; for this reason, he shoots down Ralph’s request to find Vicki a different partner.  On the one hand, this kind of makes sense, but we’ll see what the implications are for the Captain, or even the whole department, if this partnership leads to something more.

“Cop Rock” seems to be desperate to offset the negative storylines, with in-your-face positive ones, and this time it comes courtesy of Officer Potts.  As you may remember, he’s the white cop that became Officer Rose’s partner following the shooting death of Rose’s previous one--of course, in that episode he hated Potts, but finally grew to like him.  In an extension of that plot, Potts starts caring for the plight of the homeless people that they are just driving out of the city, and offers to take one of them to lunch.  As usual, Rose chastises him for the idea, but even after the idea seems to fail, praises him for having a “good heart”.

While we’re at it, the lunch scene itself is rife with a number of errors and pointlessness, from the homeless man starting his order with a “small orange juice”, going into the food, and then the waitress asking if he “wants a drink with that.”  Or the fact that Potts leaves the restaurant before his food is even served…the whole scene just feels very fake, but I have to give it some marks for not having any of that god-awful singing or dancing that haunts my dreams.  I am kind of interested to see how this will impact Potts for the remainder of the series…since his attempt to “rehabilitate” a homeless man failed miserably (in a scene that’s actually pretty patronizing; all he does is tell the man to clean up and get a job) will he still be the same kind-hearted cop that he’s always been, or will this whole situation harden his heart a little bit?  Hard to say where this one is headed, if anywhere at all.

In the last bit we’ll touch upon, the police chief is starting to fall for the mayor, a plot point that has started developing ever since she had facial reconstruction surgery to make her not so ugly (?).  As is usual for television shows, Chief Kendrick asks his loyal black assistant Ozzie if he’s being foolish for falling for this woman.  Ozzie responds by starting a dance number about how he should follow his heart, or something.  I’m just guessing, because I’ve honestly started blocking a lot of these out; all the song numbers seem to do is just reinforced tired television tropes, but through song instead of normal dialogue.  No matter how you dress up predictability, it’s still predictable.

HOW TO LOVE A WOMAN

Meanwhile, the mayor is also questioning her decision to go on a date with this man.  This actually leads to one of the film’s rare genuinely funny moments: After the mayor asks her assistant if she looks good, he responds with how great she and her outfit looks.  When she responds with the requisite: “Are you lying?”, the man (who’s clearly gay, if that will make this funnier) looks at her and in all seriousness says, “I never lie about clothes”.  Maybe it’s just me, but it elicited an earnest chuckle from me, which is one of the few times in this series I’ve laughed at something that was actually supposed to be humorous.

The two end up going on a date out in the wilderness in front of a campfire, with the Chief singing a song utilizing his trusty guitar (the same one he used in the opening song a couple of episodes ago).  Before we know it, they’re kissing, and the mayor is asking him to take her virginity, something the Chief seems more than willing to do.  All I could help thinking during this is, “Why is the police chief doing everything except actual police-y things?”  Seriously, he’s always with the mayor and never actually tending to the needs of the police department, but maybe that will change in future eps.

Well, another episode down!  And the series is still struggling to find its footing.  Judging from its swift cancellation after just eleven episodes, I’m highly doubting that it ever does, but join us next week when I subject myself to additional cruel and unusual punishment, and absorb another episode so you lucky devils never have to!

EPISODE RATING: 3/10, which has become standard, more or less.

*And it's "Phelan". Close.

**The videos I was originally watching on YouTube were made private, but after some digging I found alternate copies.  Note that the quality seems much worse, and with the series coming to DVD next month (May), there's a chance these may get pulled down at any time.

FULL EPISODE