Eerie, Indiana S1, E3: ATM With a Heart of Gold

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Gabriel Damon as Nicholas
Scott Weinger as Eddie
Andrew White as Derek
Gregory Itzin as The Mayor
Archie Hahn as Mr. Radford
Harry Goaz as Sgt. Knight

Written by: Matt Dearborn
Directed by: Sam Pillsbury

I didn't know what to expect going into this one, and with its lighthearted title, I was not looking forward to it in the least. I mean, I gathered that an ATM was going to be generous with its money—that much is obvious from its name—but how could that be made eerie, funny, or even remotely interesting? And after the debacle that was “The Retainer”, I was preparing for what could have been an early downhill slide for the entire series. Instead, it was the biggest surprise of its only season thus far, and while that might not sound like a huge accomplishment given that we are only three episodes in, I honestly mean that in the sincerest way possible.

Once again this story centers around the Teller family: The father, Edgar, has created an automated ATM that aims to be the friendliest such machine ever invented. To hammer this home, he gives it a computer-generated face, and some AI, allowing the smiling machine to offer up conversations and friendly banter with its users. The town doesn't really seem to care, though, as only a handful of people show up to its unveiling in a scene that would be sad if it weren't so funny.

Marshall has been spending a lot of time with kids his own age, which has left Simon all alone with no friends. Naturally, he turns to the talking ATM for companionship. The friendly machine, named Mr. Wilson, strikes up a friendship with Simon, and frequently hands him loads of bills, even though he does not have a bank account. This proves bad for the residents of Eerie, whose town goes bankrupt thanks to Mr. Wilson. But Simon doesn't care, because he's the one benefiting from the disaster. And why should he? He has everything he could ever want, the attention of older girls, and kids that were making fun of him now all want to be his friend. Can Marshall convince him to return his money and save the town? Or will Simon's obsession with the money be his downfall?

This episode plays its ridiculous premise for laughs, and that is why it manages to succeed. The (intentionally) cheesy scenes of Simon moving up the popularity ladder, simply because he has a virtually limitless supply of cash, function as spoofs of high school dramas and are well-executed. Mr. Wilson, on the other hand, is perfectly creepy, his nerdish computer-generated face and soothing, yet somehow haunting, voice suiting him very well. The way he “skips” is also a nice touch, and a rather realistic testament to early '90s technology. In other words, the effects are excellent in this one, and a large reason why it works at all.

I think the biggest drawback for me—and it's a big one--is that this episode breaks character for Marshall, by having him pick a group of popular jocks over his own friend. I understand that it's required for the rest of this episode to work, but considering how inseparable he and Simon are for the rest of the series, it just feels tacky, and not at all true to the series. Even after Marshall admits that the excitement of hanging out with them has worn off, he continues to hang out with them, despite getting nothing out of doing so...which paints him three episodes in as rather selfish and one-sided, something that couldn't be farther from the truth as the series wears on.

Overall, this one is still way better than I was anticipating, but is a far cry from the best this series has to offer.

EPISODE RATING: 6.5/10

FULL EPISODE

Perversions of Science S1, E3: Boxed In

Starring:
Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst as Emmy
Kevin Pollak as Pilot
Melanie Shatner as Dulcine
William Shatner as Admiral Kornfeld
Brian Phelps as Soldier
Mark Thompson as Soldier
Maureen Teefy as Chrome

Written by: Chris Miller & Kevin Rock, based on the "Weird Science" comic books, by William M. Gaines

Directed by: William Shatner


The first two episodes of “Perversions of Science” have really run the gamut in terms of quality. The first episode played to the show’s miniscule budget, and turned out to be a fantastic episode, while the second one was done in by a finale of bad special effects, and a rather sloppy excuse for a story. So, then, I suppose it’s pretty fitting that we would follow those up with an episode that varies wildly in quality just within its own 25-minute existence.

This was the only episode that I remembered bits of from my initial viewing, as a horny teenager in the late '90s babysitting some kids (yes, the children were long in bed by the time this came on). It's not that it's an overly memorable episode on its own, but I always liked it for its sheer stupidity; the way it blended late-night cable sexuality, with a completely over-the-top plotline (and some pretty awful effects) is what made it appeal to me back then.  Watching it now wasn't quite the fun experience it was the first time, but it's still an entertaining episode.

“Boxed In” starts off in space in what I would assume to be the faraway future, where Kevin Pollack is piloting a rickety spaceship in a war that he has been fighting for over two years. Traveling alone in the outer reaches of the galaxy with no one to talk to would be enough to drive any man insane, but thankfully Kevin (who has no name in the show, and is referred to only as “pilot” by his superior, and “dunglelips” by his girlfriend) has a helper: “Emmy”, an advanced sex-bot that he won in a card game. Conveniently, she’s also handy with tools (see the world they create, in which everything can be turned into a double-entendre?) and spends most of her time repairing the many things that Mr. Pollack is unable to.

She may only be a robot, but apparently even robots have needs; Emmy spends most of her time trying to seduce the pilot. But he’s an honest man of good integrity: he has a girlfriend back home who goes by the name Dulcine (a perfectly annoying Melanie Shatner), and he swore to her father (William Shatner, reprising his real-life role), who also happens to be his superior, that he would remain faithful (I guess even sleeping with robots counts as infidelity in the future). After two years of no booty, you can imagine how tough things get, but just when it seems like Emmy might finally break him, he receives word from the admiral that the war is over, and he can return home.

Home, in this case, is a bland futuristic set in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. All he can think about is consummating his relationship with Dulcine, but after the admiral drops her off, Pilot Pollack learns that she has been fitted with an electronic chastity belt that sends an electronic shock to any unauthorized personnel that happens to touch it--and the pilot learns the hard way that, until they get married, he’s one of the unauthorized ones. Frustrated with the situation herself, Dulcine leaves--and the pilot decides that it’s time to put together a little friend that he happened to bring home with him…

That's right, it's Emmy, and she has not lost her hots for the pilot!  A few minutes into their passionate lovemaking, he receives a video call (remember, it’s the future!) from a horny Dulcine, who successfully found a way to remove the belt without killing herself; she announces that she will be returning to his house in ten minutes for some intimate time. The abrupt stop angers Emmy, who shuts herself down--conveniently fastening herself to him and refusing to get off. Will he manage to free himself from the rejected sexbot, or will he be discovered by the love of his life?

What works in this episode is that the show never takes itself too seriously--it knows this idea is fully ridiculous, but commits to it, giving it an overall lighthearted feel with some genuine chuckles thrown in for good measure. It doesn’t work all the time, but this is “Perversions of Science” at its most playful, proving that it can still be entertaining even when its frustratingly non-existent budget rears its ugly head--the scenes of the pilot desperately struggling with a robot torso attached to his crotch manages to be humorous, even though the robot is obviously a dummy. Much like the last one we saw, though, and like many others that await us, it all builds up to a terrible conclusion that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and feels tacked-on.

The area that “Perversions” hasn’t quite let me down in are the performances, and this one continues that streak. Kevin Pollack is just fine as the pilot, while Melanie Shatner plays the idiotic Dulcine with a level of ease that seems a little alarming. William Shatner is good as the admiral, but it’s because he’s in on the joke, the kind of role that he tends to excel in. Unfortunately, the production, with its pretty bland and unconvincing sets, as well as the finale, mar what still manages to be an above-average episode that blends laughs with sex the way late cable TV shows were always attempting to do, to appeal to teenagers always trying to sneak viewings of late night cable TV shows, as I was always attempting to do.

EPISODE RATING: 5.5/10

FULL EPISODE

Cop Rock S1E3: Happy Mudder's Day

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and John Romano

Directed by: Charles Haid

It’s weird how quickly things have died down here on “Cop Rock”; the first episode crammed about three hundred plot points into a brief 48-minute episode, but many of them seem to have fallen by the wayside.  There are still eight episodes left (really, that many?!) so I suppose they might be saving some for a rainy day, but I have to be perfectly honest here: my interest is waning.  I literally feel like each episode is an entire season…it’s just getting too much to slog through.

Anyway, the writers made it simple on us (and themselves) by focusing on only two plot points for this entire episode: the ludicrous investigation by Captain Hollander into the shooting of a known cop-killer by Detective LaRusso, and a random side story about the mayor running for a Senate seat that has to be seen to be believed.

To recap for those just joining me on this headache-inducing adventure, Tyrone Powers was an African-American male who was arrested on drug charges, but was let go due to overcrowding in prisons.  Right after being released back into the general population, he shot and killed a cop named Gilbert Braden.  For this reason alone, he would be a wanted man, with a bounty put on his head.  Sure enough, cops discover his whereabouts and go to grab him, only there’s one little problem: they don’t have a warrant.  LaRusso realizes the situation, and that a known cop killer would be released back onto the streets, and so he shoots him dead, making the whole scene look like an act of self-defense.

But Hollander inexplicably thinks something is up right from the outset, and has spent the last two episodes trying to prove that LaRusso acted in the wrong.  Well, he might finally get the chance to prove it here, as he makes an offer to Officer Potter, LaRusso’s partner at the time and witness to the whole event in question: Hollander will grant him immunity in exchange for coming clean.

Meanwhile, the mayor, a homely old woman whose name escapes me (edit: Mayor Louise Plank), is approached by some political types who suggest that she run for a Senate seat.  They think she can get her elected, only there’s one problem: focus groups have declared that she is one of the ugliest women they’ve ever seen.  So she sees a plastic surgeon to try to fix some of her most glaring flaws.  As stupid as this plot point is, it’s the best one we’ve seen so far, as my wife and I have despised her character since day one, so hearing people rip into her appearance was a welcome surprise (and it’s bizarrely a situation that’s played for laughs.)

Some of the episode also focuses on LaRusso, as he does what any cop who’s being investigated by his captain would do: hang out in seedy locations as an undercover cop, just under his own accord.  Oh, and we also learn that he’s dating a mud-wrestler (!).  He nearly blows one undercover sting when the subject holds his girlfriend hostage--after pretending not to care about her, the man lets her go and accepts his arrest.  If only all hostage negotiations were this easy!

The songs in this episode are all trash.  There’s typically been at least one song per episode that’s been kinda good, but that streak comes to an end here.  The opening number finds the police chief singing a country song while riding through the rough streets on a horse--it’s actually a pretty catchy song, but the accompanying images only succeed in making it irredeemably cheesy, which is an exact 180 from what they were going for.  The next one belongs to LaRusso’s stripper girlfriend, whom he treats like trash.  In it, she wonders why she continues to put up with his attitudes toward her.  She might have legitimate claims, but, like many of the songs featured here, it never rises above third-rate melodramatic junk.

Then there’s the gag-inducing number between an African-American couple who had the police called on them during one of their loud arguments.  After the man steals the cop’s gun and threatens everyone in the room with it, he is eventually calmed down, which leads to a “tear jerking” song about how they still do truly love each other underneath all the pain.  Then, in the worst one yet, the surgeon assigned to fix the senator’s face breaks out in a song all about how he strives for “perfection”.  Oh, and there’s a final one between the cops and all the “low-lifes” that come in and out of the station.  Sigh.

I’ve got to be honest here: I’m having a hard time even feigning interest in, and building up the courage to, continue watching this series.  Just when it seems like it has hit a new low, it somehow manages to find a way to dig itself in deeper.  Even discounting the song and dance numbers--which of course is the entire point of the show--the plotlines are just absolutely terrible, giving the viewer nothing positive to even latch on to, making it an all-around failure.

RATING: 2/10

FULL EPISODE