Eerie, Indiana S1, E2: The Retainer

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Patrick LaBrecque as Steve Konkalewski
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Vincent Schiavelli as Dr. Eukanuba
Lou Cutell as Old Man Dithers

Written by: Jose Rivera and Karl Schaefer
Directed by: Joe Dante

The story structure for “Eerie, Indiana” takes an interesting twist in this second episode, which is a story relayed to us by lead character Marshall Teller. In the introduction, told in the present time, Marshall’s parents are confused when Marshall is terrified of getting a retainer. As we soon learn, it has nothing to do with the fear of pain, or the fear of being made fun of, but rather because of what happened to the last friend of his that got one…

That friend was Steve Konkalewski, whose teeth refuse to straighten after five years of visits to a mad dentist. The evil tooth-doctor makes for him a “special” retainer, one that gives him the “gift” of hearing what dogs are thinking. In a rather interesting twist, dogs only appear to be friendly on the outside, a front because they are eventually planning to take over the world, something Steve figures out thanks to his newfound ability.

Marshall and Simon, his closest friends, quickly put two-and-two together after a series of odd occurrences, and develop a hunch that he can read the mind of dogs. To test this, Marshall uses a rather absurd experiment: He places a paper bag over Simon's head, then flips a coin and shows it to a dog. Once Steve is able to accurately read the outcome of the coin flip—via the dog's eyes—they are convinced of his superpower. (Would a dog really have an understanding of “heads” and “tails”? Am I putting way too much thought into this?)

This is a minor breakthrough, but Marshall is more intelligent than most kid's show heroes: He understands the absurdity of the whole situation, and realizes that no one will believe them without proof. And so he creates a recording device so that he can capture the sounds that Steve picks up via his retainer (the scenes of them trying to move him around like an antenna to get better reception is pretty clever stuff, despite the obvious outdatedness of it all). Well he also inadvertently picks up some nearby chatter, which leads him to a dog pound known for a high rate of euthanasia. (This is a show for kids?)

Earlier in the episode, an evil kennel warden is attacked by a lone dog who doesn't take kindly to the way the man treats the mutts (he even threatens to “toss them into the chamber”, which looks eerily like a cremation chamber). When our heroes arrive to find the source of the chatter (which are chants of “Freedom!”, by the way), there is a lone bloody bone propping open the door...obviously the bone of the warden, who was picked clean by the dogs. This is a show for kids?

Anyway, the canines don't appreciate Steve being able to monitor their thoughts, so they demand he gives them his retainer. The only problem? It's stuck to his face and he can't get it off. The flashback ends with the dogs chasing him out into the streets, at which point they presumably attack him, kill him, and forcibly take the retainer for themselves. I arrived at this conclusion because we flash back to the present, where Marshall has his own retainer, and calmly explains to a familiar dog that his retainer doesn't allow him to hear the dog's thoughts...and the dog responds by coughing up Steve's old retainer, leading Marshall to contemplate the possible fate of his friend.

It's not a very good episode overall, mainly because it lacks the joyful absurdity of the premiere.  There are precious few laughs, and none of the off-the-wall fascination from the first one, making this one feel like a complete dud. Steve just isn't really all that fascinating of the character to center an entire story around, and the retainer idea—while it's clearly going for the offbeat—never gets its feet off the ground. On the flipside, I'd say that Marshall's blandness is already starting to grow on me...it's a welcome change from the over-the-top characters in most such shows.

Regardless, I'd file this one under “sophomore slump” for sure.

RATING: 4/10

FULL EPISODE

Cop Rock S1E2: Ill-Gotten Gaines

Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Sidney Weitz as Dennis Lipscomb

Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Stephen Bochco and John Romano

Directed by: Gregory Hoblit

The first episode seemed to want to cram too many things in at once, with absolutely no “easing in” for the viewer; thankfully, here we have a chance to gather our senses.  Unfortunately, the plot that seems to be standing out in the spotlight is the most frustrating of the bunch: Capt. Hollander’s attempt to get to the bottom of what really happened to drug dealer, and known cop-killer, Tyrone Powers.

Powers, you will recall, was the cop-killing drug pusher from the first episode, who was killed by Officer LaRusso after he learned Tyrone was being detained without a warrant.  Rather than risk letting him go a second time (it was after he was released due to prison overcrowding the first time, that he ended up shooting a cop), he simply shot him dead, then made sure it looked like a shooting in self-defense.  And that’s how it looked to anyone who might have wandered into the crime scene, as LaRusso planted a machine gun on Powers’ body to make it look like he might have opened fire first.

It’s a little ridiculous that Captain Hollander would have even been able to tell just from looking at things that it was a homicide, rather than self-defense, and even stupider that he would keep pursuing it even after Internal Affairs ruled that LaRusso was correct in his actions.  If this were just a juvenile on a marijuana charge, I could understand his vendetta against LaRusso; but a cop-killer?  Come on…anyone in that department would just be happy he’s dead.  It’s just an ignorant storyline to have, and one that rings hollow, especially since police have long covered-up the “accidental” murders of people who have done far less.

“Ill-Gotten Gaines” starts off with the funeral service for Officer Braden, who was the cop killed by Powers.  Of course, his partner, Officer Rose, has to deliver a eulogy, and of course that eulogy has to come in the form of a song.  The shot of a saxophonist delivering the first few notes of the song is just another in a long-line of legendarily awful scenes; despite this false start, I have to admit that the song actually has a certifiable melody and some decent lyrics, automatically making it one of the better ones we’ve seen thus far (and by far the best one in this episode).

Meanwhile, Frank is returned to active duty patrolling the streets, and is given an awkward white cop as a partner who likes to sing Motown while they’re cruising the streets.  This upsets Frank, who simply wants to ride in peace, and he begs Hollander to find him a new partner.  Hollander refuses, though watching the way the rookie calmly and efficiently diffuses a potentially-dangerous situation wins him over, just as we knew something would.  There’s also a minor subplot involving a break-in at a rich house, but I’m thinking the only reason that’s thrown in there is so the show can provide us with two additional song-and-dance numbers: the first features Vicki and her partner Andy singing about how great it would be to be rich together, while the second is a cringe-inducing number featuring a gang of Cubans standing in a police lineup; it’s by far the worst of a bad bunch.

We’re only two episodes in, and the urge to throw in the towel is becoming more and more tempting with each passing minute spent watching this.  There are still nine episodes left.  At the current rate, that’s 36 mostly-intolerable musical sequences, and at least 9 more inane subplots that we’re going to have to slog through.  What’s amazing is that this show somehow still attempts to deal with real issues--there’s a sequence where a black cop is referred to as a “monkey” (though the derogatory term comes from another black man, which I guess lessens the impact some) that caught me completely off guard, but there’s just no room for a movie with dancing policemen to make any kind of serious statement whatsoever, and that‘s its biggest problem.  It’s nothing short of a complete failure overall, though at its best, which is incredibly rare, it at least manages to be a slightly interesting one.

EPISODE RATING: 3/10

FULL EPISODE