A Christmas in the Pines (2021)

Director: Gary Wheeler

Writer(s): Natasha Baron
Starring: Jillian Murray, Dean Geyer, Leigh-Allyn Baker and Grant Godeve

Well I think we’re finally starting to round out the holiday season, and what a ride it’s been: After getting off to a great start, the quality of movies seemed to quickly decrease the closer to Christmas we got. Was it just a case of rom-com burnout, or just the way things worked out? I’m not sure the answer to that, but what I do know is that we’ve got a review of A Christmas in the Pines forthcoming. Will this end the streak of awfulness, or contribute to it?

You know how all these vapid holiday love stories have ridiculous plotlines? I mean, that’s part of the draw: escapism in its highest form. These movies aren’t just content to put the two leads in true love, but they have to run through every trope possible on their way to getting there. There’s the interrupted kiss; the misunderstanding that leads to a fight; the initial “hatred” of each other that soon blossoms into neverending passion (why do characters in these movies always have to hate each other in the beginning); the list goes on and on.

A Christmas in the Pines takes the creative license afforded these movies, and shoves it right out the window; it's almost a masterclass in the ludicrous. For some, that might be part of its appeal; for others, who like their love stories to be more straightforward and “traditional”, it might be a turn-off. Personally, I find myself somewhere in between the two camps.

Ariel Colt is a young(ish) woman looking to purchase a cottage, just because she wants one. (That’s a rather expensive impulse buy.) Right after she signs on the dotted line, another interested party enters the house…this is Mark, a young, handsome man who also has his heart set on buying it. Well, Ariel signed it first, so it belongs to her, right? Not exactly. Instead, through some weird glitch in the system, the buyer accepted both offers. That means the two of them own the same house.

In order to decide who “deserves” it, the realtors set up a little game: whoever goes beyond the land’s boundaries first loses, which then transfers the cottage to the remaining person. 

At first, Ariel seems to hate Mark, only we know she doesn’t. Why do these movies think it’s cute to have the characters hate each other at first? I mean, I get that people like the kind of dramatic, up-and-down relationships, and I can see it happening once in a while, but it seems like every holiday movie these days requires one lead to initially hate the other.That doesn’t seem very Christmaslike!

Well, are you following me so far? It’s pretty ridiculous, right? Well, buckle yourselves in, because it’s about to get even worse: Desperate to get Ariel to break, Mark calls in his family to come visit him, hoping their appearance will drive Ariel out. In an attempt to fight back, Ariel does the same…only to have both sets of parents get along famously. So now what do they do? Well, there’s nothing really left for them to do besides fall in love.

If it sounds like it’s entertaining, it’s not really; at least, not as much as it should be. The best thing in the whole movie: Mark’s dad’s terrifying smile, which he flashes at a couple different points. It’s so over-the-top we had to rewind it just to make sure we saw things correctly…we did. Outside of that, there’s not really anything all that interesting: the dynamics are okay between the two, but I wouldn’t say chemistry is a strong suit. It’s decent enough to be serviceable, but there’s definitely no “gotta have you” feeling radiating off either one.

Despite the dad’s creepy smile, the cast is actually pretty likable all-around, which makes what should be an irredeemably sappy story at least somewhat palatable. There really isn’t much in the way of humor, aside from the typical lame dad-style jokes that (I think) are supposed to fall flat; unfortunately, that just leaves an increasingly implausible love story as its central premise, with two leads who feel rather indifferent about each other.

Does it snap the streak of awful Christmas movies? Technically, but only because the past couple are the worst we’ve seen all season. This is a slight improvement over those, but given the ridiculous premise, isn’t anywhere near as entertaining as it should have been. The two lovebirds aren't the only ones that are indifferent about this.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

It's not enough to just read about the smile. You gotta see the smile.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 4.5/10

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A California Christmas: City Lights (2021)

Director: Shaun Paul Piccinino
Writer(s): Lauren Swickard
Starring: Lauren Swickard, Josh Swickard, Ali Afshar and David Del Rio

There are some things that should just be left alone. And yet, it seems to be human nature to mess with it until it becomes a steaming pile of shit. That extends even into the world of lame rom-coms, although generally to a much lesser extent considering the first one is usually pretty bad on its own. However, recent proof comes in the form of The Princess Switch trilogy, which actually had an entertaining first entry, but has steadily gotten worse with each release.

The latest example of this mystifying phenomenon is A California Christmas: City Lights. The first one was about as close to low-budget sappy romantic perfection as you can get. It came out of nowhere, delivered a solid premise with some likable characters and two perfect, attractive leads with a rare chemistry seen in these movies (it comes as no surprise they are married in real life); it all felt so…effortless. Sure, it was a basic, by-the-numbers premise, but it was executed well.

City Lights, however, doesn’t waste any time in dragging down the potential franchise. This isn’t just “lesser” than the first one, nor is it merely “inferior”; this one falls face first off a cliff. It reduces (or removes) everything that was great about the first one, while simultaneously increasing all the things the first one was missing that made it so good.

Like the story. In the first one, you may recall, Joseph stole the identity of a man named Manny in order to work at a farm he was hoping to acquire for his company. Well, he meets the owner of the land - an attractive girl named Callie who just so happens to be his age - and the two of them start a relationship so strong, that Joseph leaves his successful big city world behind.

But now it’s about to catch up with him. Flash forward a year from the events of the first one: The duo are still in love, living on the same land, where they run both a farm, and a winery. But as we know, things can never be smooth for long: Joseph gets a call from his mother, who runs Van Aston Enterprises - the family business - informing him that she is stepping down, effective immediately. Okay, why should he care? Because he’s next in line to run it, of course!

I love how in these movies no one can ever say no. He’s happy with his current life, and yet - when faced with this sudden thing he has no control over - he can’t just have his mom give the company to someone else? Or given the urgency, find someone to temporarily cover until he can figure out a plan? But no, he has to drop everything and take the first plane out to California, with his wife in tow. And boy does she learn a thing or two about her husband that she - presumably - didn’t already know. Like how he was a playboy, and lived his life in excess. You would think these things would get discussed before marriage, but they never seem to be in the movies.

Anyway, long story short, Joseph lets the big city life get to his head, while Callie starts spending more time with her former fiance’s (who died) brother, who runs a soup kitchen and plays the male lead in a two-person play involving the Virgin Mary (I forget who he plays…Jesus maybe? I don’t know.) The two share a weird connection, where you think it might turn romantic, but it never does…yet that doesn’t stop the two-faced snake Victoria (it’s always a Victoria), Joseph’s former colleague and romantic interest, from attempting to blow it out of proportion in order to get Joseph to leave her. Ho-fucking-hum.

This one is a misguided mess from the outset. When you have two married leads with a believable connection, you would think that’s something your story should focus on. After all, that’s the entire point of the whole romance subgenre. People don’t watch these tired retreads for the stories; they watch them to see two attractive people go through (lighthearted) hell to form some kind of ridiculously over-the-top bond that, presumably, lasts a lifetime. (A great plot for a spoof would be to follow a couple from a previous rom-com, faux-documentary style, as they’re now out of love and washed-up versions of their former selves.) A California Christmas: City Lights makes the unforgivable decision to shy away from the intense attraction the two stars have for each other, instead surrounding them with a bloated story that can’t help but steal the spotlight.

It also makes the mistake of giving the supporting castt nothing meaningful to do. While Manny and Joseph’s limo driver - two excellent, likable characters from the original movie - make a return, they are pretty much expendable. The limo driver is barely in it at all, and while Manny sees an increase in screen time, he literally spends it all trying to capture the attention, and the heart, of a woman who is helping him out on the farm. That’s great he gets a love interest, and the girl he falls for is cute, but it quickly becomes not only repetitive, but completely unnecessary. Especially considering the overblown plot, which gives Joseph and Callie far too much screen time already.

I’m shocked to discover that, like the first one, this mess was written by Lauren Swickard, who plays Callie. One would think she would tailor the story to suit the strengths of those involved, but instead she’s responsible for this one-note mess, which takes the series into a new direction that hopefully leads to no further movies.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• The “stitches” subplot involving Hannah is classically retarded. She’s also a shit actress.
• Speaking of which, what is the point of her anyway? Just to show up in a couple scenes and whine? Yet another example of unnecessary characters added to an overinflated story.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

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Always and Forever Christmas (2019)

Director: Siobhan Devine
Writer(s): Blaine Chiappetta and Damon Tod Hill

Starring: Lexi Lawson, Mark Ghanimé, Beth Broderick and Cardi Wong

And the total landslide of shit holiday movies continues. How did I think we could have gotten away with having a whole season of “good” Christmas movies? Of course I should have known it would regress to the means at some point, but I didn’t know just how quickly things could backslide in such a short amount of time. 

Admittedly, we were “forced” to watch this movie by accident, when my wife - who was just trying to read more information on it - accidentally “borrowed” it from hoopla. I mean, we could have easily just borrowed something else (our limit was recently upped to 14 borrows per month) and let this one go to waste, but we didn’t want to spend our library's hard-earned money for nothing, so we sucked it up and jumped right in. After all, it saved us several minutes of searching for something potentially better.

Spending that time would have been worth it, because this is one of those cheery movies that attempts to mask the irredeemable selfishness of its main character underneath the facade of holiday happiness. It asks us to care for a character that no one should care for, a bad actress, and a chemistry-less romance; any of those are potentially lethal combinations, but all of them together equals an unforgivable mess of cataclysmic proportions.

Lucy is a woman from L.A. (why is it always L.A.?) with a disappearing upper lip, who inherits her family's Christmas store following the death of her grandfather. So what does she plan to do with her grandfather’s pride and joy, which also happens to be the most beloved shop in the entire small town (why does it always have to be a small town?), and the one she used to help out with when she was a child? She’s going to sell it. All those precious memories down the fucking drain, with nary a second thought.

That’s the first fatal flaw: In any other movie, she would be presented as a selfish cunt who is only after her own interests. I mean, that’s exactly what she is. She’s selling the family heirloom simply because she loves her L.A. life and doesn’t want to give it up to take care of some shop that she has no interest in. Nevermind what everyone else thinks about it (including her grandfather, who must be rolling around in his grave): Her opinion is the only one that matters, and she wants to push this sale through as quickly as possible so she can get back to her busy California lifestyle. But since we are supposed to care for her and cheer for her to succeed, all of those negative traits are hidden under smiling faces and cheeriness. 

So selfish is she that she never stops to even contemplate other options until the very end, like how she could hire someone to run the shop in her absence while she simply rakes in the dough as the owner while still living her best life in California. And, so dumb is she that she decides to create a website for a business that’s going to be closing down in two weeks. That's right: she puts all of the products online, giving them a web presence just in time for it to close down. Well, business clearly isn’t her strong suit. Great job, grandpa. 

But of course things don’t go according to her plan. The year-round Christmas shop has a few tricks up its sleeve to prevent Lucy from selling, like Carol, the seasonal hire who seems to have some sort of magical powers (it doesn’t take long to figure out who she is). Oh, and the shop itself, which also harbors magical powers capable enough to ensure that every customer gets the perfect gift. 

As if this isn't lame enough, there has to be the obligatory romance, which unfortunately isn’t all that interesting: Lucy’s beau here is Scott, the owner of a diner across the street. For whatever reason, he’s smitten by Lucy at first sight, and will do whatever he can to win her heart. Well, he’s willing to do everything except tell her how he feels. You know, because hiding your feelings is the best way to get a girl. She's also against the idea at first; remember she wants to get out of her hometown as quickly as possible, and doesn't have any time to entertain the thought of dating a smalltown boy!

Anyway, whatever. We all know how this one’s going to end. This is just another dull foray into the holiday romance subgenre that’s done in by a lead who’s not attractive enough to overcome her deeply-flawed personality, and a love story that takes second stage to the “drama” of her trying to sell the store. As if we're all on the edge of our seats wondering what will happen next.

Does anyone remember romance movies where love actually took center stage?

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• In the scene where Lucy’s mom gets out of the car at the end, why does she look like she’s in the middle of having a stroke?
• Why is everyone in town so cheery? Even though Lucy comes in simply to shut it down, and even though all of them are sad to see the store go, none of them harbor any ill will towards her. Even Randall, her co-worker, who knows he will be out of a job once the bitch’s deal goes through.
• The side story between Randall and the delivery girl is all sorts of cringe, adding another layer to a story that’s already cringe to begin with.
• Dig the Wix advertisement
• When yet another person questions her decision to create a website with the store closing in less than a month: “Why does everyone keep saying that?”
• How do ideas like this get greenlit?
• Have I mentioned how much I hate Lucy? She has to be one of the worst characters ever written in a holiday movie.
• I swear the director's only direction to all the elderly extras was: "Act as unconvincingly cheery as possible!" No person who's knocking on death's store is going to be filled with that much joy. Plus, we all know old people are entitled know-it-alls to think they deserve the world because they've lived in it for so long.
• That must be a pretty miserable closing sale: Despite their assurances to the contrary, there's a lot of inventory left on those walls. 

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

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Christmas in the Wilds (2021)

Director: Justin G. Dyck

Writer(s): Neal Kimmel
Starring: Kaitlyn Leeb, Laura Vandervoort, Victor Zinck Jr., Melinda Shankar

Well, well, well, I should have known I would end up jinxing us: After mentioning how many Christmas movies were above average this year, we started running into a couple snags. And that streak continues with Christmas in the Wilds, an adventure movie without action, and a romance movie without any actual romance.

Imagine Mr. Magoo trying to direct a movie, and that’s about what you end up with here: It’s a bumbling mess of a movie that tries to do too much and ends up accomplishing nothing. There’s not much in the way of humor, leaving the whole atmosphere just feeling dry and lifeless, kind of like the male lead. By the midway point, my wife turned to me and asked, “Are we supposed to be cheering for these people?” which is an excellent question that I had no idea how to accurately answer; a question that gets even harder to fathom by the end.

All this failure is a double-shame, considering it stars the usually-reliable Kaitlyn Leeb as Jessica, a woman who is going to meet her boyfriend’s family for the first time. Well, of course it’s not his entire family, because his father passed away. You see, having a relative be dead is the perfect way to avoid having to come up with any sort of heart-tugging backstory; death = automatic sadness. It's a shortcut these writers seem to fall back on with more and more frequency every year.

Anyway, her boyfriend is Buck, a man just about as unattractive as Leeb is stunning, which already gets things off on the wrong foot. He is a forest ranger, and one who’s known far and wide for his bravery and know-how. He’s also a pilot, because why not? Oh, and another thing you should know: his ex-girlfriend, Meg, is a former colleague, also because why not? AND he never told Jessica about working so close to his ex-colleague. Because...you guessed it: why not?

Even though Christmas plays a minor role in this garbage, our story actually starts around Thanksgiving, when Buck receives word, from Meg no less, that a huge storm is threatening their area, and they could use an extra set of hands to help with potential injuries. He assures Jessica it will only be temporary, and then leaves her there alone with his family, despite the fact his mom isn't really feeling her.

“A few days” turns into “a few more days”, which turns into “a couple weeks”, which turns into "a month". It’s now Christmas Eve: Buck finally starts to head home to Jessica, but needs to refuel his plane, and conveniently the roads are shut down from a terrible storm, even though the weather in every scene is mild, at best. At first, the two would-be lovers plan on seeing each other on New Years instead…until Jessica gets a wild idea: Instead of waiting for him to come home, why doesn’t she go to meet him instead? Buck likes the idea, and agrees to meet her halfway via snowmobile, taking his ex-girlfriend with him as a guide, in a decision that’s one of many that will leave you questioning whether the writers were concussed, or sniffing inhalants during the writing process. 

Halfway to the halfway point (?) of her journey, Jessica loses control of her Jeep on an icy patch, getting it stuck in a snowbank off the side of the road. Unable to get it out, she stumbles on the house of a black man dressed as Santa Claus, who is getting ready for the town’s Christmas parade (?). His truck is being worked on, so he’s unable to offer her a ride, but what he does happen to have are sled dogs. Yes, for real. And even more insane: He lets her “borrow” them without so much as a second thought, and without even testing her abilities to control them.

So Jessica sets out with the man’s sled dogs to make the remainder of the trek to Buck’s location. She finally tracks them down, just in time to see them getting cozy together next to a fire, which starts the obligatory argument between the two. Buck assures her nothing has happened between them, and finally gets her to trust him…just as one of the sled dogs gets its leg stuck in an old fox trap. That’ll teach Black Santa to hand his dogs out to any rando who asks to borrow them next time!

Buck suggests that the three of them head to the cabin together, probably hoping for a threesome, but that idea is quashed by Jessica, who exclaims “She’s coming with us?!” Thankfully, the would-be homewrecker senses she’s not wanted, and offers to head back to the base, taking the wounded sled dog with her to get it some much-needed treatment.

And we’re supposed to be cheering for this stupid primate, who is too ignorant to realize that inviting his ex-girlfriend to what was supposed to be an intimate one-on-one getaway to a cozy cottage with his current girlfriend, is a big no-no? And, even more unforgivable, Jessica not only tolerates this behavior, but is still somehow enamored with him? Holy mother of fuck. 

Unfortunately the trek isn’t quite over yet: The only way to get to the cabin is to cross a treacherous, raging creek. Somehow, the 100 pound woman has no issues crossing, but the large gorilla man gets swept away by the current, finally managing to pull himself out of the freezing-cold water several hundred feet downstream. Jessica helps him get out, where he tosses his wet and freezing clothes away, and then they finally make it to the cabin where he’s able to warm up, and put on the ugliest, most ill-fitting fucking pajamas imaginable. 

A reminder: This isn't some couple who's been together for years and have a deep, undying love for each other: This is a couple that has only been together for “a few” months. Essentially, these are just two people who barely know each other, going through more than most married couples would do, just to give each other the most unromantic peck on the lips in movie history at the end. 

I think this is all supposed to show the great lengths two lovers will go to reunite, even in the face of danger, but it's closer in appearance to "the lengths two highly desperate people will go to just to have something to live for." There's not one moment of one scene anywhere that's even borderline romantic: I think Buck would fuck his job before he would get intimate with Jessica, as that's all the hideous beast will talk about the entire time. It's like fate is a magnet that 

I rate these haphazard movies on an “entertainment rating” scale, which is different from the ratings I give to “normal” movies. Usually, a movie like this - where one unconvincing thing happens right after another - would score relatively high, because watching a mess like that is the very definition of entertaining. But this one just…isn’t. Kaitlyn Leeb is always cute in whatever role she’s in, but aside from being likable, she still comes off as a complete moron. Who’s going to go to these great lengths just to see some unattractive baboon after six months of dating? 

If you like watching love stories totally devoid of any emotion whatsoever, and enjoy movies where you cheer against seeing the two leads getting together - even though you know they will - you might enjoy this one. However, I’m in both camps, and this was still a raging waste of my time. 

Fuck. 

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• How in the fuck does Buck keep the meteorite rock that Jessica gives him, which he then eventually proposes with? It’s in the pocket of his coat, which gets soaked in water after he falls in, and that he removes outside in a bid to stay warm. Or maybe it was in his backpack, which gets swept away by a current and is never recovered. Then, he somehow has it in the pocket of the ugly pajamas he puts on. Great awareness saving that fucking worthless rock.
• I didn’t even touch on Buck’s PTSD from fighting in the war, which crops up when Meg starts a snowmobile (something he equates with bombs going off even though he rode one himself earlier), and the howling of wolves (which would remind him of…what, the whistling sound of incoming bombs? I don’t fucking know.)
• Astonishingly, this is a sequel to Romance in the Wilds, in which the same two leads play the same characters, only they get stuck in a forest wildfire. I’m sure there’s plenty of “romance” to go around in that one, too.
• I also haven’t mentioned Roma, a girl apparently named after a tomato, which is Buck’s sister, and whom Jessica entrusts to watch her dog despite Roma’s aversion to dogs. She even gets a sidestory, in which she searches for her one true love: A soldier who went MIA in Afghanistan.
• I'm still at a loss for words how Justin G. Dyck goes from directing several sappy love-fests, to directing the solid horror film Anything for Jackson, and then immediately goes back to directing another series of these insipid gag-fests. That guy clearly has some talent, and it's being squandered on this junk. 

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 1/10

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A Winter Romance (aka Colors of Love) (2021)

Director: Bradley Walsh
Writer(s): Emily Golden
Starring: Jessica Lowndes, Chad Michael Murray, Dennis Andres and Michael Brown

Taylor Harris (it’s a she) is a librarian who loves to research boring historical topics, as we learn in the over-the-top opening scene where she disproves some kind of historical theory just from reading excerpts from a book, while exchanging over-the-top cringe-smiles with her research partner. But that campy happiness is short-lived,when her boss informs her - in the middle of the library and rather nonchalantly - that funding for the library has been cut, and she is being let go.

She turns to her brother for support, and that’s when he offers her the chance to stay with him and his wife, in Forest Ridge, or whatever the dumb small town is called. She is initially reluctant, but thankfully (is that the right word) agrees to go just so that we have something to watch, besides her looking for jobs during the day, and crying herself to sleep every night.

Tragedy strikes poor Taylor immediately, when during her trek - on dry pavement and during a very mild autumn day - she somehow hits “black ice” and is thrust off the road. Common sense dictates that whoever shows up first is the one she will end up falling for: If that’s the case, it’s Chad Michael Murray! Well, it’s technically Joel, but he is played by Chad Michael Murray. 

Joel is a man who has made millions in the tech industry of California, and is in Forest Ridge to turn one of their antiquated hotels into a popular tourist destination. This could potentially be a good idea for a number of reasons - bringing extra jobs to the city, as well as loads of extra money - but of course the old-fashioned townsfolk are quick to refuse the idea. That hotel, the Graff, holds so many good memories that they don’t want to see it turned into some sort of fancy resort.

But why is Joel targeting Forest Ridge out of all the other podunk villages in the world? Why, because he himself was raised there! Gasp! 

Taylor takes a liking to Joel, obviously unaware of both his status as a “tech bro” - namely, a douchebag who makes a vast majority of his money in the technology sector (and the type of person Taylor randomly swears off, unprovoked, in a conversion to her friend) - and as the man looking to renovate the beloved hotel. Why would she care? Well, because her own brother works at the Graff as a maintenance man, of course! And he is certain that Joel will wipe out the entire staff if he gets his way. 

The only way to save the hotel? To prove that it has past significance to the town, which will then allow it to be registered as a “historical landmark”, thus allowing the city to protect its status and block Joel from gutting it. Hmm…remember when I said Taylor was good at researching things, and how she works at a library? I wonder if she might be the one to find some kind of tie between history and the Graff!

But this puts her in an odd predicament, where she must test her loyalty to her brother, while simultaneously trying to appease the man whom she’s falling in love with. And as these bits of disgustingly escapist entertainment never allow for even a shred of negativity, we know it's all going to end with all of the characters getting exactly what they want, and living a (presumably) happy life together.

Chad Michael Murray is likable as Joel, but this one is just a wayward mess, taking itself far too seriously than it should, and relying far too much on Lowndes's forced smile to carry things along. It's not great, but there's enough here to warrant at least a viewing, assuming either nothing else is available, or you're just looking for some mindless background noise.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 5/10

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