CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Same Time, Next Christmas (2019)

Director: Stephen Herek
Writer(s): Karen Bloch Morse
Starring: Lea Michele, Charles Michael Davis, Nia Vardalos, and George Newbern

It's pretty well-known that the plots in these holiday movies are always awful; it almost seems as if the writers are trying to intentionally sabotage the material, attempting to come up with the most far-fetched ideas that can still follow the tried and true formulas required of these saccharine gagfests. (Why doesn't someone just go as far out as possible and make A Sharknado Christmas, or some shit? That's about where we're headed at this rate.) It's just an accepted piece of Christmas flicks: the plot will be horrible, and so will everything else...but you know it will end up happy. And I guess just that last part is all that's needed to ensure the crowds will flock to watch the dozens of holiday movies released every year.

Even despite this knowledge, there is the occasional movie that's actually done in by its stupid plot, and Same Time, Next Christmas is one of them. And that's a shame, because it actually offers up a great cast of characters, above par acting (even Lea Michelle, who I can't really stand, turns in a serviceable performance), and several moments of intended comedy. That's right, completely intentional! In other words, it's almost the perfect Christmas comedy, only held up by a plot that fails even under the lightest scrutiny.

Olivia Anderson has been going to the beach every year for Christmas with her family for as long as she can remember. Through these vacations, they become good friends with the Williams', another family that happens to do the same thing. Olivia hits it off with Jeff, the Williams' lone son, and the two look forward to seeing each other during their annual treks. But the annual visit after they share their first kiss, the Williams family is nowhere to be seen, and Olivia doesn't hear a word from the man she fell in love with. (Turns out he was dealing with some personal family issues, which completely excuses him ignoring her calls and texts for several months...right?)

Flash forward some odd years: Olivia is now grown up, and still doing the vacation routine with her family. And wouldn't you know it, after not seeing or hearing from him for years, he shows up with his family at that same vacation spot once again. But of course things have to be complicated: he is married, which kind of throws a wrench in their plans.

We fast forward to the next year, where another issue prevents them from getting together, and then another year, and then another year...there's at least the span of six years here, and with all of it taking place on the island, it strongly insinuates these people don't keep in contact at all outside of their annual trips. Maybe in the '70s this plot could have worked in a “shut your brain down and don't think about it” kinda way, but in this day and age when you can contact anyone you want with the press of a button, and considering just how "close" these people seem to be on vacations, it's just beyond the limits of acceptability (with Olivia's mom even pushing her to date Jeff; so they never ever talked about it at home?).

It also goes so far as to make Olivia a terrible character, as she strings along a man (who aside from being too caught up in work to an annoying degree, actually isn't that bad of a person at all) that she clearly doesn't have strong feelings for, just so she has someone in her life. Of course, given the season and the confines of this movie, it's supposed to be cute, but it doesn't really take much digging to see the darkness of a character who accepts a marriage proposal from a man she has no interest in being with, only so that she can back out of it a day before the wedding and for no other reason than she finally builds up the courage to tell him she would rather be with someone else. And of course, so that we can't tell she's a piece of shit person doing a really shitty thing to a not bad person, he takes it admirably and without so much as a question. Mmmm, okay.

In the end, part of me actually wants to recommend it for the interplay between the characters, which comes off as way more genuine than it should in a movie like this: the cast seems to be having fun, and the chemistry between the many couples is believable. Unfortunately, the thin thread connecting all these characters ruins what could have been a holiday “classic”, and it becomes one of those movies that's more grating than entertaining.

RATING: 5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas in the Heartland (2017)

Director: Harvey Lowry
Writer(s): Dave Matheny
Starring: Sierra McCormick, Brighton Sharbino, Bo Derek, and Shelley Long

Oh my…there’s a lot going on during Christmas in the Heartland’s overblown running time (nearly TWO FULL HOURS!) and none of it is really good. It starts with a flimsy foundation—a stupid story that only gets dumber and dumber the farther it goes along—adds in a few too many “twists” and diversions, and despite a convoluted story, still ends up every bit as dull as it was when it started.

Jessie Wilkins is a broke teenager who is meeting her grandmother for the very first time. Kara Gentry is also meeting her grandparents for the very first time, but she just so happens to belong to a rich family. The two of these opposite-sides-of-the-tracks girls—who just met seconds before, mind you--happen to sit next to each other on the plane, and concoct a harebrained scheme to pretend to be one another, for no other reason than complete and utter boredom.

But these aren't some cunning girls planning some in-depth, complex hijinx: they literally just swap their names, because the idea that no one in either family has seen pictures of their own granddaughter in this age of virtually boundless consumer technology, is pretty logical. Oh, and no one seems to notice the many times each girl answers to the “wrong” name—a pretty dead giveaway that would be a red flag to anyone, except the stupid characters in this movie.

Really, Christmas in the Heartland's biggest flaw—besides sucking—is that it tries to pack too much into a story that doesn't really need it. There's the rich stuck-up mother who uses her husband and will do anything to gain more attention; the stuck-up boyfriend who “loves” Jessie because he believes she's rich; the black housekeeper (why does she have to be black?) with a big heart; the bully kid who's “put in his place” by one of the girls, who acts like “one of the guys” to do it; the father searching for his daughter (and the only one that knows what she looks like, apparently) that threatens to blow apart the facade; the lead singer from Rascall Flats (yes, for real) who is creepy and plays the “poor” girl's father; a poor family who has to raise money to save the family farm, or something...I mean, virtually any overplayed plot point can be found here, pulled off with very little zest or emotion, and some overall terrible acting that does it no favors.

Ironically, as bad as the whole thing is, there are a couple of characters that avoid it from being completely unwatchable (and no, neither of the leads are one of them): Bo Derek's sleazy rich villainess, Elsa, is an unabashed piece of shit, and plays the role with apparent ease; Christoper Rich (Brock from the “Reba” sitcom I'll admit to enjoying in the past) as Bob, Elsa's frustrated husband, lends some empathy and compassion to his character, and gives the movie a good guy that's worth cheering for; and Tisha Bradford manages to shine in a stereotypical role as June, the rich family's black housekeeper.

The rest is just a terminal, bloated bore that takes an already stupid idea, and somehow manages to make it even stupider.

RATING: 3/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Sweet Mountain Christmas (2019)

Director: David Weaver
Writer(s): Brian Sawyer and Gregg Rossen
Starring: Megan Hilty, Marcus Rosner, Teryl Rothery, and Kate Isaac

What’s with the sudden influx of music-themed holiday movies? Or have they always been around, and I’m just starting to notice them all at once?

Laney Blu (a name more befitting of a porn star than a country musician) is a former country star whose last two albums have flopped; as a result, she’s being “rebranded” as a pop star, in a desperate attempt to reconnect with her dwindling audiences. Given the fact she appears to be pushing forty, it’s both sadder and more pathetic than it probably should be. She wants to visit her mother—whom she hasn’t seen for quite some time—for Christmas, but her strict schedule only allows for a single night stay a couple days before the holiday. Oh, and of course, it’s in a very, very small town.

While there, she bumps into an old flame, who now pretty much happens to run the entire village, and learns the hard way that true love never peters out. Conveniently—and despite no actual footage of falling snow to be found anywhere—a massive snowstorm renders an escape from her past impossible…but also threatens to derail her hopes to stay relevant in the music industry. Will she forego all the fame and stardom for another chance at love? Or decide that…eh, I’m not even going to waste the time coming up with another option.

This one doesn’t have the required laughs and charm contained in the “best” examples of these kinds of movies, but the two leads are cute together, and—in an absolute rarity—there aren’t really any characters that are super annoying (save for Janine, who basically despises Laney just for being successful, but is thankfully rarely around). Even the two ones that would have some reason to: Lori, Laney’s former singing partner (and the love interest’s sister), who Laney suddenly left once her own career started taking off; and Danny, Laney’s long-time manager, go against type, and are surprisingly warm-hearted characters who both genuinely seem to care about Laney, albeit in different ways (what, no love triangle?).

The “side” plot where Laney decides to find talent for the local talent show, which not only happens to be taking place while she’s staying there, but also in an apparent snowstorm so bad that she can’t even leave the city, adds an unnecessary layer of absurdity and ridiculousness to a movie that already had plenty of it. In other words, this one is as stupid as the rest of them, at least from a writing perspective. And it seems to take itself way too seriously, which is a dangerous game when it comes to these types of movies, where most people are just going to pick it apart to make fun of it.

But these issues aside—which are typically fatal flaws in the hands of other movies—still take a backseat to the cast, who are competent—and believable--enough to inject the film with a contagious sense of holiday happiness, despite being caricatures caught up in one big, all-too-familiar cliché.

RATING: 6/10

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NOTE: Literally no trailers of this movie exist, so here's a video of the stars attempting to see who can create the cutest holiday wreath.

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: A Christmas in Vermont (2016)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer(s): Michael Varrati and Fred Olen Ray, based on a story by Jeffrey Schenck and Peter Sullivan
Starring: Abigail Hawk, Chevy Chase, David O'Donnell, and Howard Hesseman

Here we have a movie produced by Fred Olen Ray, who directed softcore porn for two decades before making the sudden switch to Christmas movies (no joke!); he was also responsible for the Lifetime “thriller” Deadly Shores, which was somehow even worse than the average Lifetime movie—and that's saying a lot. It also stars a woman who is not conventionally attractive which—let's be honest here, and as shallow as it is—is sometimes the only thing that gets us through to the end of some of these holiday duds (never underestimate the strength of an attractive cast, a notion that's magnified when everything else around them is terrible). Then, there's the tired plot, in which said woman works for a heartless boss who wants to close down a business in a small Vermont town just days before Christmas. No way she'll have a change of heart and fall in love with the owner, who happens to be an attractive man around her age! Still not sold on its awfulness? Did I mention that the boss is played by Chevy Chase, who looks like a balloon version of himself, is notoriously difficult to work with (in general), and whose best comedic days are behind him? Clearly, this movie sucks...right?

But this is also the season of miracles, and that is the only explanation I can convince myself of as to why A Christmas in Vermont not only isn't groan-inducingly awful, but a genuinely good example of a holiday movie. I mean, sure, technically after watching it, I can tell you why it's not bad: The acting is uniformly above par all around, the characters are more fleshed out than normal, and Chevy Chase is genuinely hilarious in a role that he probably had no interest in doing. Even by the end, the “unattractive” (which, to be fair, I never actually said) female lead, Abigail Hawk (who I just discovered is known for her role as a lead character is the godforsakenly awful "Blue Bloods", a staple as background noise in the homes of those aged 65 and up) is adorable, thanks to the personality she lends her character, and the conviction with which she plays her part. It's not really any of those things that are shocking in and off themselves, but given the “talent” involved, it's baffling to me how all of those things came together on this set, resulting in a movie full of genuine charm that, at least on paper, shouldn't even be watchable.

It's definitely not perfect: Morgan Fairchild (yes, that one!) is completely wasted as the lead dude's mom, a role that there is absolutely no need for. I'm also still waiting for that Christmas movie that has the nerve to avoid some of the more annoying tropes, such as the “overheard quote taken out of context that leads to the sudden argument between the yuletide couple just as things seem to be going perfectly”; unfortunately, we're still treated to that here. But such moments are at least offset by caring characters, such as the “wise old man” (again, usually the most annoying character in every movie, but not so here), who come off less as the caricatures they've become from appearing in so many of these tired tales, and more like genuine people. Who knew it was actually possible to laugh at a Christmas movie when you're supposed to, and that there could be joy derived from means other than making fun of the incompetence in which they were made?

In the end, A Christmas in Vermont succeeds when it shouldn't, by showing what can happen when a mismatched cast and crew can come together to create a cohesive whole; it's mind-boggling, and perhaps an even more inspiring testament to the magic of the holiday season than the story itself.

RATING: 7.5/10

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CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Coupon (2019)

Director: Daniel Knudsen
Writer(s): Knudsen
Starring: Courtney Mathews, Aaron Noble, Robert Laenen, Sheena Monnin

I'm just going to come out and say it: Christmas Coupon is the worst fucking Christmas movie ever made. Well, to be more technically accurate, it's the worst one I've ever seen, but the thought that there might be something worse out there is almost enough to make me never watch holiday movies again, lest I actually stumble upon one. It's the first movie I've ever seen that's also lead to physical side effects: my holiday-obsessed wife and I couldn't even get aroused for 12 hours after viewing. And, as she declared in all honesty immediately after we fast-forwarded through the final twenty minutes to get to the end: “This just completely sucked the holiday spirit from me.”

It follows a former world-champion figure skater named Alison Grant, who has now resorted to teaching figure skating lessons on a frozen pond. One day, her ex-boyfriend—a semi-handsome man named Ivan Hall—brings his niece to class, and they hit it off. Well, “hit it off” as in have a bitter argument with each other. Of course, by the end, they will fall for each other—even though I've seen more chemistry in police beatings, and, even though Alison already has a long-term boyfriend. Seriously, the dialogue and interactions are so baseless that it actually creates an unnerving atmosphere, rather than one of holiday happiness—like the two leads are being held at gunpoint off-camera, forced to make their relationship work, or else they will be blown to smithereens. I'm halfway tempted to give them the money to reshoot that version.

The movie careens from one idea to the next with no natural flow—it's as if the writer just wanted to cram in as many holiday tropes as possible, without even contemplating things like “believability” or “narrative”. Take the title, for example, which is one of the most hilariously ridiculous titles in holiday history; the inspiration for the title takes place in one scene, and is never recalled again until the end, where it, of course, plays a role in bringing the two feuding lovers back together. Again, did I mention that Alison already has a boyfriend? Typically in these movies, they make it "okay" for the main character to break up with their significant other, by portraying him as a monster, or a cheater, or someone who's no good. Here, though, they forget to even do that: sure, he's kind of a dick, and he doesn't really believe in her, but he actually comes off as more of the victim here, as Ivan is everywhere Alison is every time the boyfriend comes around. So he has every right to act angry, which he does so with all the conviction of someone to whom "anger" is a foreign concept.

Please, please, please, for the love of God, do not see this, unless you want your soul to be forever ruined. This isn't some “reverse psychology” thing, either: it's an honest-to-God plea. Jesus is probably rolling around in his...heaven. It's the worst holiday anything I've ever seen in my entire life. It's one of those movies that's too amateurish to even work as an unintentional comedy: the editing is poor (dig those jump cuts), the music is bland, and the writing is absolutely abysmal. That it comes from a “faith-based” studio is both the ultimate irony, and completely unsurprising.

RATING: 0/10.

TRIVIA: The incompetent director plays an equally incompetent priest, who gets minor points only for slightly resembling Rickety Cricket, the disgraced priest from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

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