Writer(s): Dave Matheny
Starring: Sierra McCormick, Brighton Sharbino, Bo Derek, and Shelley Long
Oh my…there’s a lot going on during
Christmas in the Heartland’s overblown running time (nearly TWO
FULL HOURS!) and none of it is really good. It starts with a flimsy
foundation—a stupid story that only gets dumber and dumber the
farther it goes along—adds in a few too many “twists” and
diversions, and despite a convoluted story, still ends up every bit
as dull as it was when it started.
Jessie Wilkins is a broke teenager who
is meeting her grandmother for the very first time. Kara Gentry is
also meeting her grandparents for the very first time, but she just
so happens to belong to a rich family. The two of these
opposite-sides-of-the-tracks girls—who just met seconds before,
mind you--happen to sit next to each other on the plane, and concoct
a harebrained scheme to pretend to be one another, for no other
reason than complete and utter boredom.
But these aren't
some cunning girls planning some in-depth, complex hijinx: they
literally just swap their names, because the idea that no one
in either family has seen pictures of their own granddaughter in this
age of virtually boundless consumer technology, is pretty logical.
Oh, and no one seems to notice the many times each girl answers to
the “wrong” name—a pretty dead giveaway that would be a red
flag to anyone, except the stupid characters in this movie.
Really, Christmas in the Heartland's
biggest flaw—besides sucking—is that it tries to pack too much
into a story that doesn't really need it. There's the rich stuck-up
mother who uses her husband and will do anything to gain more
attention; the stuck-up boyfriend who “loves” Jessie because he
believes she's rich; the black housekeeper (why does she have to be
black?) with a big heart; the bully kid who's “put in his place”
by one of the girls, who acts like “one of the guys” to do it;
the father searching for his daughter (and the only one that knows
what she looks like, apparently) that threatens to blow apart the
facade; the lead singer from Rascall Flats (yes, for real) who is
creepy and plays the “poor” girl's father; a poor family who has
to raise money to save the family farm, or something...I mean,
virtually any overplayed plot point can be found here, pulled off
with very little zest or emotion, and some overall terrible acting
that does it no favors.
Ironically, as bad as the whole thing
is, there are a couple of characters that avoid it from being
completely unwatchable (and no, neither of the leads are one of
them): Bo Derek's sleazy rich villainess, Elsa, is an unabashed piece
of shit, and plays the role with apparent ease; Christoper Rich
(Brock from the “Reba” sitcom I'll admit to enjoying in the past)
as Bob, Elsa's frustrated husband, lends some empathy and compassion
to his character, and gives the movie a good guy that's worth
cheering for; and Tisha Bradford manages to shine in a stereotypical
role as June, the rich family's black housekeeper.
The rest is just a terminal, bloated
bore that takes an already stupid idea, and somehow manages to make
it even stupider.
RATING: 3/10
TRAILER
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