Christmas Movie Magic (2021)

Director: Robert Vaughn
Writer(s): Rickie Castaneda, from a story by James S. Blakeman and Caitlin English
Starring: Holly Deveaux, Drew Seeley, Jill Frappier and Jennifer Gibson

The first holiday movie of the season more or less sets the tone for all the rest that follow. If we get a bad one, then it’s a case of “bah-humbug” and that negativity follows into the next viewing. And the next. Until one of them finally breaks the cycle by being “good”. Last year we saw an unprecedented number of above-average Christmas rom-coms.

This year hasn’t gotten off to such a good start.

Actually Christmas Movie Magic does get off to a decent start. A man encounters a woman walking her pig in the middle of the street. Through some cheeky dialogue, the two seem to hit it off instantly. But we can tell from the intentionally stilted acting (even for this type of movie) that it’s not from this time period. Alas, it is not: This love story is actually a movie from the 1950s.

I was hoping the entire movie would be done in this style. It probably would have gotten a little tiresome, but at least it would have been unique. Unfortunately, the “movie-within-a-movie” is only glimpsed occasionally after the intro, despite playing an annoyingly protracted part in the main movie itself.

Alli is an entertainment writer hoping to earn a promotion to the news team. Of course, she thinks her talents are being underutilized, and wants a chance to prove herself. Her boss offers her the chance to do just that - provided she write an article about Christmas With You, that ‘50s movie we caught a glimpse of earlier. Starring Walter Andrews - Hollywood’s heartthrob of the time - it seems the movie had such a profound impact on the city it was filmed in, that it continues even today.

That city is White Falls. And that movie seems to have had no greater impact on anyone, than a man named Brad Westdale who, of course, is Alli’s age. This man is a walking encyclopedia of the movie - in fact, it’s all he fucking talks about. It’s “Christmas With You” this, and “Christmas With You” that. Sure, his history has something to do with it - his grandpa and grandma’s movie theater was the site of the film’s premiere - but come on, Brad, it’s been 65 years. You weren’t around, and only heard the stories through a third party, even if that third party was your grandparents. Seriously, his fascination with it veers into pure obsession.

There is some boring “mystery” involving a famous song that Walter wrote for the movie, which was inspired by a secret lover he had on set. Alli and Brad’s drive to solve that mystery forms the binding agent that brings the two would-be lovers together. (Is it a spoiler alert to reveal that the two leads get together in the end?) It’s rather yawn-inducing.

Christmas Movie Magic does have one welcome change: Alli and Brad never “hate” each other. There always seems to be friction between the two leads in the beginning, which slowly becomes admiration. Here, Alli seems to be intrigued by Brad from the outset, as curious as it is. I would think most women would be put off by a man whose only knowledgeable topic is an old romance movie, but what do I know?

There are also some other strengths: Holly Deveaux is attractive - and adept - as the lead, which helps to give an air of believability to the budding romance. (Brad, on the other hand, comes off as doofy, but I think that has more to do with the script.) The flashbacks to the “classic” movie that forms the backdrop to the modern tale is also done with an impressive level of detail. Even the central song - though it’s not the least bit catchy - does sound like it was recorded in the ‘50s.

Maybe it got us in the wrong mood. After all, reviews of this are above-average across the board (including a positive write-up in the Wall Street Journal, of all places). But Brad’s relentless, grating obsession with a movie that premiered 65 years ago was enough to sink it for us. Add in the final musical number, which takes place in the present day and feels woefully out of place - and a complete lack of chemistry between the two leads - and you have the perfect recipe for holiday drowsiness.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• As out-of-left-field and laughable as its placement is, I must admit the final musical number is actually well-done, thanks to some competent choreography.

• How in the hell has no one seen Walter’s revelatory identity of his real-life love interest prior to this? It’s spelled out and written in huge fucking letters!

• This movie might have actually been helped out by some initial friction, as Alli’s skepticism is never enough to challenge Brad and his annoyingly saccharine vision of life.

• It took me a Herculean effort just to make it through without falling asleep.

• It's telling when the two leads can't muster up more than an unemotional peck for their first kiss.

RATING: 3/10

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LAUGHABLE LIFETIME: Identity Theft of a Cheerleader (2019)

Director: Christie Will Wolf
Writer(s): Barbara Kymlicka
Starring: Maiara Walsh, Karis Cameron, Jesse Irving and Naika Toussaint

Now here we go! Just when it seemed Lifetime movies were starting to get better, we have a nice “throwback” feature to ground us back in reality; this is a perfect example of what the channel does best: make movies that simply just shouldn’t exist.

Identity Theft of a Cheerleader follows Vicky Patterson, who, as a teenager, failed to make the cheerleading squad. Flash forward ten years. She now works at what appears to be a mix between a Goodwill and a Sam’s Club (it’s even called something along the lines of “Big Box Store”) which, as we all know, is a way to show that she is “unmotivated” and “unsuccessful” in a movie world (because no one can be successful or happy being anything less than a six-figure salaried exec), and lives with her equally unmotivated, hideously creepy boyfriend, who loses money gambling for a living.

Through what can only be described as “fate”, she finds the dropped high school ID card of a fellow co-worker--who just so happens to be a cheerleader. She uses this moment of inspiration to…um…go back to high school, thus gaining a second chance to make the cheerleading squad. At thirty years old. Because that’s where she thinks her life went wrong. No, seriously…that’s the basic plot. And she’s not above resorting to dirty tactics, like using cooking oil to make the captain fall off the top set of bleachers (?), to see her ultimate plan through.

But it’s not just about the cheers—no, she wants the full experience of everything she feels she was deprived of, from wallowing in popularity, to being the leader of the squad, to sleeping with the popular jock. Which she does, despite the fact that the jock’s best friend, Heather, is the one that took an initial liking to Vicky and urged her to try out for cheer in the first place. And despite the fact there’s clearly sparks between the jock and Heather, even though neither one have ever discussed their mutual attraction to one another, as if each one is waiting for the other to make the first move.

Despite its brilliantly awful plot, ID Theft is done in by one of the most egregious of offenses possible in media: It has absolutely zero likable main characters. Heather is the best of the bunch, but she’s just too goodie two-shoes (and stupid) to rally behind. For example, there’s a scene where her, a friend, and Vicky are all getting ready to attend a party. While the other two girls are getting ready, Vicky sneaks off and opens a locked liquor cabinet, drinking half a bottle of vodka. When the parents come home, they automatically accuse Heather of doing it—and she never once suspects Vicky, even though she was the only one that logistically could have done it. And are we really supposed to get upset that Vicky slept with Heather’s non-man, since she is too much of a pussy to go and tell him how she feels? Sorry, but while that’s definitely a slimy and shady thing to do to a supposed friend, he’s technically fair game, and at least Vicky has the balls to go after what she wants…even if it is in a legal gray area where she’s, you know, not only not in high school, but almost twice as old as he thinks she is.

Meanwhile, Vicky’s current boyfriend is grade A sleazeball, and I’m not really sure why his character exists, or even what we’re supposed to think of him. He’s clueless, lazy and apathetic (at one point even using her own money to buy her a birthday gift), but most of the same things could also be said for Vicky, making it unclear whose “side” we’re supposed to be on. (A perfect scene that encapsulates this is when Vicky, freshly laid-off from her job and now attending high school, urges her good-for-nothing boyfriend to do something “productive”.)

His sole shining moment is the (brilliant) scene where he finally starts catching wind that something isn’t quite right with his girlfriend, leading to the obligatory scene where he follows her to see where she’s actually going, when she’s pretending to be at work. There’s just something perfectly hysterical in this sequence when, much to his surprise, she’s not daylighting as a high-end escort, or sleeping with drug dealers to get her fix of life-ruining drugs, or secretly having an affair with a married man, or any of the other sordid, low-grade hijinx you would typically expect to find in a Lifetime drama: Instead, she’s pulling into high school in a cheerleading outfit and pecking her high school boyfriend on the lips.

Unsurprisingly, there’s a murder in there somewhere, and of course, her true identity is finally discovered in the end; we even discover the “reasoning” behind her high school obsession, and although it’s a pretty well-worn trope (hint: it involves her mother!) I must admit it’s kind of (genuinely) sad when you think about it…but mostly it’s still just weird and pathetic, especially given the ridiculous lengths she goes to accomplish her delusional dream.

Identity Theft succeeds in being entertaining drivel, but despite a couple moments of unintentional brilliance, it doesn’t come anywhere close to capitalizing on the perfect absurdity of its title. Though I suppose with a title so succinct, how could it?

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• “But you couldn’t make Dad stay,” Vicky to her mom after she goes on and on about herself, and how successful she’s been in life; a truly biting, unexpected zinger.
• If, for whatever reason, you ever find yourself wanting to go back to high school, enrolling is as easy as filling out a request online, then telling the superintendent that you forgot your photo identification.
• Want to look ten years younger? Just cut your hair and give yourself bangs.
• It’s much easier to fit in with high schoolers as a thirty year old, when all the other high schoolers around you are played by people in their mid-20s.
• For being a movie about cheerleading, there are very few actual cheers.
• You know the writers are trying too hard to make a character likable if they are so nice, they can’t even bring themselves to badmouth their teachers.
• Movies always seem to have non-copyright infringing names for their fake social media sites and search engines, and this one delivers two classics: Spyder Finder, and Face Bubble. Who would ever sign up to a social media site named Face Bubble?!
• One of the best fall-down funny lines in Lifetime movie history: “What, you’re a teenager now?!” as delivered with incredulity by Vicky’s boyfriend after catching her secretly going back to high school.
• One of the scenes that eventually lead to Vicky’s downfall—of all things—is mispronouncing the word “meme”, which no one under the age of 60 has ever done.

RATING: 6/10

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LAUGHABLE LIFETIME: Mommy Group Murder (2018)

Director: Nick Everhart
Writer(s): Everhart, from a story by Samantha Shear, Michael Shear, and Dave Hickey
Starring: Helena Mattsson, Leah Pipes, Nichole Galicia, and Ryan Carnes

Wow…in ten years, will we look back on 2019 as the “breakout” year for Lifetime movies? Sure, they’ve been around for a couple of decades now, and been “popular” for much of that time, but I would imagine (and hope) that most of their appeal has been from people who love to laugh at the straight-faced absurdity of their increasingly-bizarre plots, and idiotic titles (exhibit A: this one).

Lately, though, there seems to be a rather alarming trend threatening to muck all of that up: actual talent has been seeping in to more and more of these projects. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me and we’ve been blessed with enough good luck to pick all of the good ones out of 2019’s releases. But when even a movie called Mommy Group Murder can actually be pretty good, I would say there’s a good chance the talent is rolling through all of them.

Leah Pipes (a career in porn is never too far away with a name like that) plays Natalie, a woman who suffers from postpartum depression after giving birth to her baby. Her hunky husband, Ryan, seems to be too busy with his new career to handle a crying child, and so she is left to her own devices, struggling to maintain the façade of happiness while balancing the needs of her child, and mounting feelings of loneliness.

All that changes when, through a rather horrifying (read: actually hilarious) accident involving a runaway stroller headed for a body of water, she meets Grace, a blonde woman who eventually invites her to join her “mommy group”, which is just her and two other mothers, in various stages of unhappiness, who lean on each other for support. There’s Roz, the token black woman whose husband is curiously never seen, and Maria, a nurse who suspects her husband, Tony, is cheating on her.

Despite following the Lifetime formula for the most part, this one actually seems to have enough self-awareness to throw in some red herrings: by the midway point, we really had no idea where it was headed. Sure, in hindsight it’s still the same ol’ linear Lifetime murder mystery, but there are enough twists and turns and unexpected surprises that it’s worth a watch…for about three-quarters of it, anyway.

Unfortunately, once the typically overprotective Natalie gets so obsessed with finding answers that she leaves her baby at home—with the back door left ajar (because apparently she doesn’t have an extra set of keys and can’t wait for her husband to get home)—that’s when it reverts back to the expected collection of groan-inducing clichés. It really feels like the final twenty minutes were written and filmed by someone else entirely; gone is the enticing unpredictability, in favor of a by-the-numbers psycho-stalker finish that, by the time you get there, delivers exactly what you know it’s going to, and nothing else. It’s a shame it has to end on its weakest note, especially considering it had quite a bit going for it before it hit the wall.

In what seems to be the new par for the course, the cast is uniformly strong, but special kudos must be granted to Leah Pipes, who carries much of the early picture on her shoulders. Considering the whole first ten or so minutes consists of her going through her daily routine, looking sad and crying a bunch, it could have easily been a laughingstock from the start, but she gives it her all, lending some surprising credence to her character. (The intense cheesiness of the slow-motion “runaway stroller” scene notwithstanding, but that’s not entirely on her.)  Ditto for Kate Mansi as Megan, who has a couple scenes requiring her to break down, and does so believably.

While the guys don’t have the same level of acting chops, nor the same level of emotional requirements, they manage to be an attractive bunch, giving those Lifetime-obsessed women something to marvel at as the story develops. As is usually the case, it’s the uniformly solid cast that carries the story from point A to point B and, for the most part, prevents it from devolving into (easy) self-parody.

Again, if it weren’t for a below mediocre ending, this would have been a solid contender as one of the best Lifetime movies we’ve seen; as it stands, it will just have to settle as an above-average entry that is worth a watch if you’re bored.

RATING: 6/10

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• We saw this about two weeks ago, and I didn't take my usual set of notes; it's amazing just how little I remember of this entire experience.
• The runaway stroller scene has to be seen to be believed--it's peak Lifetime.
• When viewed in hindsight, the story is too obvious, but credit to the cast and crew for doing their best to sell it.
• The titular murder scene is surprisingly bloody for this kind of fare.
• The marketing for these movies is very inconsistent: some seem to get full-length trailers and talk show appearances, while others (like this one) are confined to :30 trailers on Lifetime's Facebook page.

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This is the only one I could find.

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Sweet Mountain Christmas (2019)

Director: David Weaver
Writer(s): Brian Sawyer and Gregg Rossen
Starring: Megan Hilty, Marcus Rosner, Teryl Rothery, and Kate Isaac

What’s with the sudden influx of music-themed holiday movies? Or have they always been around, and I’m just starting to notice them all at once?

Laney Blu (a name more befitting of a porn star than a country musician) is a former country star whose last two albums have flopped; as a result, she’s being “rebranded” as a pop star, in a desperate attempt to reconnect with her dwindling audiences. Given the fact she appears to be pushing forty, it’s both sadder and more pathetic than it probably should be. She wants to visit her mother—whom she hasn’t seen for quite some time—for Christmas, but her strict schedule only allows for a single night stay a couple days before the holiday. Oh, and of course, it’s in a very, very small town.

While there, she bumps into an old flame, who now pretty much happens to run the entire village, and learns the hard way that true love never peters out. Conveniently—and despite no actual footage of falling snow to be found anywhere—a massive snowstorm renders an escape from her past impossible…but also threatens to derail her hopes to stay relevant in the music industry. Will she forego all the fame and stardom for another chance at love? Or decide that…eh, I’m not even going to waste the time coming up with another option.

This one doesn’t have the required laughs and charm contained in the “best” examples of these kinds of movies, but the two leads are cute together, and—in an absolute rarity—there aren’t really any characters that are super annoying (save for Janine, who basically despises Laney just for being successful, but is thankfully rarely around). Even the two ones that would have some reason to: Lori, Laney’s former singing partner (and the love interest’s sister), who Laney suddenly left once her own career started taking off; and Danny, Laney’s long-time manager, go against type, and are surprisingly warm-hearted characters who both genuinely seem to care about Laney, albeit in different ways (what, no love triangle?).

The “side” plot where Laney decides to find talent for the local talent show, which not only happens to be taking place while she’s staying there, but also in an apparent snowstorm so bad that she can’t even leave the city, adds an unnecessary layer of absurdity and ridiculousness to a movie that already had plenty of it. In other words, this one is as stupid as the rest of them, at least from a writing perspective. And it seems to take itself way too seriously, which is a dangerous game when it comes to these types of movies, where most people are just going to pick it apart to make fun of it.

But these issues aside—which are typically fatal flaws in the hands of other movies—still take a backseat to the cast, who are competent—and believable--enough to inject the film with a contagious sense of holiday happiness, despite being caricatures caught up in one big, all-too-familiar cliché.

RATING: 6/10

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NOTE: Literally no trailers of this movie exist, so here's a video of the stars attempting to see who can create the cutest holiday wreath.

MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: Nanny Cam (2014)

Director: Nancy Leopardi
Writer(s): Brian McAuley
Starring: India Eisley, Laura Allen, Cam Gigandet, and Farrah McKenzie

It's been said, I'm sure somewhere, that the opening shot is the one chance you have to suck in your audience, and to give them an enticing taste of what's to come. The opening scene of Nanny Cam does a perfect job of that, by essentially showing you all the film's flaws right from the outset: Linda and Mark, the main couple of this mess, leave their 8-year-old daughter Chloe—who's a terrible actress, by the way-- with an elderly woman—also a terrible actress-- while they plan to have a romantic evening out together. As it turns out, the old biddy has dementia (c'mon Linda, you should have done a little more research!), and ends up dropping a pot of burning water on Chloe. At least, I think that's what happens...she never shows any signs of actual injury and never gets taken to a hospital, but it's made out to be a big deal, with Linda informing the old woman she can't watch Chloe anymore.

Well now what can the upper-middle-class couple do when they want to go somewhere, as apparently no one in these movies have any friends or family? The search for a replacement is about to begin when lo and behold, an option falls right into their laps! Enter Heather (India Eisley), a creepy teenager who happens to wander onto the property in time to prevent disaster; Chloe has found Mark's nailgun, which was conveniently placed out in the open and within reach of a curious 8-year-old. Just based on this random encounter, Mark thinks she'd be perfect for the job, but Linda is reluctant—after all, they did just get burned (pun intended) by not properly researching the last babysitter—so she goes the extra mile to really make sure Heather is who she says she is: by calling the one reference on her resume. When the reference checks out (and it should, since it's Heather herself, not even disguising her voice), the two stop the search immediately, having found the perfect replacement! (Now we're starting to see how they ended up with a dementia-addled oldie).

But things aren't right with the new nanny, something Linda discovers not from all the red flags we've seen up to this point, but after watching video footage in which Heather talks to Chloe for three straight hours. “What could an 18-year-old and an 8-year-old possibly have to talk about for three hours?” she wonders aloud, and becomes obsessed with finding out, hitting up the local electronics store clerk and asking him about in-depth set-ups, an area he's creepily adept at.

Soon, Chloe starts acting strangely toward her mother, as if she wants Heather to be her new mommy, and Heather really starts clamping down on Mark. Will boring ol' Linda pull her family back away from the bizarre clutches of evil? Or will Heather get rid of her competition so that she can have the family she so desperately craves?

This one is worse than most MarVista productions, with terrible acting, consistently awful dialogue, and infuriatingly-illogical plot twists. I know, I know, those are the qualities you're actually looking for in a Lifetime movie, but there's a fine line between a “bad-good” movie, and a “bad-bad” movie, and this one typically entrenches itself in the latter category, with an almost exhausting number of inconsistencies and stupid moments that it would be virtually impossible to remember them all.

Its one “saving grace”- in this case meant as the sole thing that saves it from an even lower score—is Heather's backstory, which is legitimately devastating. Usually Lifetime movies seem to skirt away from truly disturbing material, but her origins add a slight layer of complexity, and empathy, missing from many Lifetime villains. And while her motives still end up being hilariously basic and laughable, it still helps to understand why she acts the way she does, rather than just having her be some one-dimensional caricature. On the downside, the sudden burst of seriousness does underscore some of the (unintentional) goofy fun, by injecting a real underscore of sadness, though it's still so bad that the laughs resume shortly after the shock wears off.

If you're a purveyor of trashy made-for-TV movies, Nanny Cam might have what you're looking for, but for me, I learned the hard way that too much of a bad thing can be...well, just bad.

RATING: 3/10

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