Reviewing media such as games and movies, from a wide variety of genres based on my wildly fluctuating moods and interest. CURRENT FOCUS: Android mobile games. More Roblox reviews coming soon.
Director: Fred Olen Ray Writer(s): Michael Varrati and Fred Olen Ray, based on a story by Jeffrey Schenck and Peter Sullivan Starring: Abigail Hawk, Chevy Chase, David O'Donnell, and Howard Hesseman
Here we have a movie produced by Fred Olen Ray, who directed softcore porn for two decades before making the sudden switch to Christmas movies (no joke!); he was also responsible for the Lifetime “thriller” Deadly Shores, which was somehow even worse than the average Lifetime movie—and that's saying a lot. It also stars a woman who is not conventionally attractive which—let's be honest here, and as shallow as it is—is sometimes the only thing that gets us through to the end of some of these holiday duds (never underestimate the strength of an attractive cast, a notion that's magnified when everything else around them is terrible). Then, there's the tired plot, in which said woman works for a heartless boss who wants to close down a business in a small Vermont town just days before Christmas. No way she'll have a change of heart and fall in love with the owner, who happens to be an attractive man around her age! Still not sold on its awfulness? Did I mention that the boss is played by Chevy Chase, who looks like a balloon version of himself, is notoriously difficult to work with (in general), and whose best comedic days are behind him? Clearly, this movie sucks...right?
But this is also the season of miracles, and that is the only explanation I can convince myself of as to why A Christmas in Vermont not only isn't groan-inducingly awful, but a genuinely good example of a holiday movie. I mean, sure, technically after watching it, I can tell you why it's not bad: The acting is uniformly above par all around, the characters are more fleshed out than normal, and Chevy Chase is genuinely hilarious in a role that he probably had no interest in doing. Even by the end, the “unattractive” (which, to be fair, I never actually said) female lead, Abigail Hawk (who I just discovered is known for her role as a lead character is the godforsakenly awful "Blue Bloods", a staple as background noise in the homes of those aged 65 and up) is adorable, thanks to the personality she lends her character, and the conviction with which she plays her part. It's not really any of those things that are shocking in and off themselves, but given the “talent” involved, it's baffling to me how all of those things came together on this set, resulting in a movie full of genuine charm that, at least on paper, shouldn't even be watchable.
It's definitely not perfect: Morgan Fairchild (yes, that one!) is completely wasted as the lead dude's mom, a role that there is absolutely no need for. I'm also still waiting for that Christmas movie that has the nerve to avoid some of the more annoying tropes, such as the “overheard quote taken out of context that leads to the sudden argument between the yuletide couple just as things seem to be going perfectly”; unfortunately, we're still treated to that here. But such moments are at least offset by caring characters, such as the “wise old man” (again, usually the most annoying character in every movie, but not so here), who come off less as the caricatures they've become from appearing in so many of these tired tales, and more like genuine people. Who knew it was actually possible to laugh at a Christmas movie when you're supposed to, and that there could be joy derived from means other than making fun of the incompetence in which they were made?
In the end, A Christmas in Vermont succeeds when it shouldn't, by showing what can happen when a mismatched cast and crew can come together to create a cohesive whole; it's mind-boggling, and perhaps an even more inspiring testament to the magic of the holiday season than the story itself.
Director: Fred Olen Ray Writer(s): Ray Starring: Carly Schroeder, Phillip P. Keene, Kristin Minter, and Hedley Harlan
Fred Olen Ray, director of 185 Z-grade movies, in genres ranging from softcore to horror, is one of the last people I would have expected to get
suckered into the Lifetime/Hallmark director rotation. And yet he has
directed several upbeat comedies for Hallmark’s ongoing series of
Christmas movies, as well as a heaping handful of Lifetime shockers,
which came right after his softcore porn phase of the early 2010s
(?). What he may lack in talent, he more than makes up for in sheer
work ethic…regardless of what you think of his movies, you have to
at least give him that.
Deadly Shores is one such film from the
Lifetime canon, and it fits right in with the director’s previous
schlock, both in tone, and in execution: It has the feel of a very
low-budget horror film, but without the sex or gore. “What’s the
point, then?” you may be thinking.
Good question.
Anna is a woman going to meet her
famous author husband, Richard Palmer, for the first time since being
married to him (?). She takes a thirty second ferry ride over to the
“isolated” island where he lives (later on, her husband uses the
excuse that she “must be tired” from the ride over): a sprawling
estate complete with a spiral staircase and lighthouse. And, of
course, both of those things play into the plotline: the author’s
previous wife, who was blind, was lured up the spiral staircase, and
then fell to her death down below. Many in the town secretly believe
he had her murdered (if he didn’t carry it out himself), but good
on Anna for being so desperate for a husband that she doesn’t care
about his sordid, potentially murderous past.
Oh, and did I mention Anna is rich?
Yeah, there’s the other obvious, crucial element to the puzzle, and the
only reason Richard decided to marry her at all: it seems he owes
lots of money to some bad people, and with his publisher balking on
sending him an advance, he basically just wants a way to fund his
endeavors. But of course, he doesn’t plan on keeping her around…he
has another woman on the side, Beth, who looks like an old washed-up
porn star from the ‘70s, complete with a mouth that seems unable to fully close. This, somehow, is the actual
love of his life, and the two concoct a plan to get their hands on
her money without raising suspicion, because, as it turns out, when
your wife dies under mysterious circumstances, people start to
question you and your motives.
Meanwhile, Anna stays oblivious to this
little plot against her, even though he never wants to be near her,
or touch her, or talk to her; and even as the ‘70s porn star starts
spending more and more time over, and with him alone behind closed
doors. Umm...was his last wife also this stupid?
Her only “ally” is Mrs. Argyle,
Richard’s maid and avid fan of his dead, previous wife. At first,
she resents Anna, simply for replacing her, but then gradually starts
to warm up to her, especially as Richard’s behavior grows more and
more worrisome. As it turns out, she’s had her own suspicions about
his involvement in his ex-wife’s murder, and is looking to find out
the truth about what happened to her old friend, even though she voluntarily stayed on his payroll and seems completely fine working with the man who might have murdered her former friend, but whatever.
It all builds up to a hilarious finish
that could have worked in a better movie, but just comes off as inept
here, in which Anna’s own past demons rise to the surface. As it
turns out, she might not be as fragile as she appears to be on the
outside…
I have to give Deadly Shores some
slight credit for being the rare movie where the victim is somehow
worth more alive than dead—so here, the point becomes trying NOT to
kill her, even though she’s apparently so...killable that it’s
very, very hard for the main protagonists not to do. Honestly, Anna is the perfect target, so completely gullible and desperate
that she's pretty much willing to overlook everything just to live in
a big house and be married to a semi-famous author, so why does
Richard even need to plot anything? All he'd really have to do is
give her some attention, pretend to like her, and she'd probably sign
her entire life savings over to him, and let him do whatever he
wants. It certainly wouldn't make for an exciting movie, but then
again neither does this one.
Deadly Shores
functions best as a clinic on how not to make a movie, with a poor
screenplay, bizarrely bad acting (despite having what should be at
least a semi-capable cast), and lackadaisical direction the names of
the game. That being said, the awfulness is “lighthearted” enough
(for lack of a better term) that it never really angers or
frustrates—it's so bad you actually feel pity for everyone
involved. There are much better
“so-bad-they’re-still-bad-but-at-least-entertaining” movies
within the MarVista canon, but I haven't encountered one quite like
this before, where you just want to hug the entire cast and crew and
assure them that everything's going to be all right.
STRAY OBSERVATIONS
-What’s with the ferry captain? He
talks to Anna in the beginning, making the author jealous, appears
later on to chide Richard behind his back, looks like he might factor
into the story in some way, and then never does. -The acting is on
another level of bad: Richard speaks as if they recorded his
rehearsals, while Anna gets to showcase her “sad face” a lot
toward the end of the movie: I can’t really describe it, but she
looks like a woman who was told how to look sad, without ever having
actually experienced the emotion herself. -The bar is pretty packed for being on an isolated
island. -It somehow has the look and feel of a schlocky no-budget
‘80s horror film, which honestly does appeal to my nostalgic side;
kudos to Fred for that! -This movie is from 2018?! It looks like
it was made in the early 2000s and then completely forgotten
about. -One of the few MarVista movies I've encountered that
doesn't have an alternate title, unless you count Marvista's misspelling of its own movie (referring to it as Deadly Shore, without the final "s") in the YouTube title and info (it appears under the correct title in the actual trailer).
