Zombie Hunter Fire (Android)

WHAT IS IT?

Zombie Hunter Fire is yet another single-player offline Android game where you destroy waves of zombies, in between upgrading weapons and acquiring other items.

UI

The UI is…interesting. It’s very ugly, actually. I can’t put my finger on why, but it’s not very inviting to look at. Maybe the size of the lettering? The font? The fact everything else in the game is disgusting so it’s just guilt by association? 

The main menu

Navigating the menus is generally pretty easy. Weapons are displayed on the side of the main menu; tapping on any equipped item will take you to the weapons page to upgrade them or to purchase new ones. “Stage” can be selected to take you to where you left off in the single-player campaign. Alternatively, you can hit the red “Quick Start” button underneath the weapons on the right side of the screen to jump right into the heat of battle.

There are also options to get free gold (by watching ads), a menu for upgrading skills, and a “message center” that occasionally grants free coins and items. All of these are clearly labeled and easy to access. The only misleading one is the “gift” icon, which merely offers three additional games to download from the same studio.

Outside of its general tackiness, navigation is pretty clear and straightforward. That’s not always the case with mobile games, so I guess we will consider this a slight “win”.

GRAPHICS

The graphics just look and feel outdated. Actually, the whole game has the feel of being tossed together over a weekend for some 24-hour game competition. The zombies seem to float in the air rather than walk, and the ragdoll physics are just godawful. Destroyed monsters will contort themselves into impossible positions as they fall into their final death pose. Some even stay standing, making it seem as if they’re still “live” enemies.

The “blood” is cheap and generic, with odd glowing red orbs emanating from each bullet strike. Outside of that, there’s no other evidence of physical damage to attacking creatures.

Look at those convincing blood droplets.

Zombies aren’t the only things looking for some fresh meat; other monster types make frequent appearances, as well. There are fat chainsaw wielding maniacs; axe-wielding zombies - in both male and female variants; and shield-carrying undead whose exposed heads are their only weakness. And…well shit, that’s about it. Seeing the same creatures over and over again quickly wears as thin as everything else. 

The visuals combine to create a feeling of grunginess that rubs off on the player. It’s akin to the way I felt watching horrible old Italian zombie movies like Hell of the Living Dead and Burial Ground. While that might have sounded enticing to me prior to this experience, I can assure you that playing a Z-grade zombie game isn’t nearly as fun as watching one.

AUDIO

Proving the developer’s clear lack of commitment to every facet of the game’s design is the game’s godawful audio. The main menu music is ultra-corny rock music that doesn’t set any sort of appropriate mood. In fact, it feels out of place. I can almost guarantee it was lifted from some library of public domain tracks.

The in-game sounds don’t fare much better. During battle, there is no music at all. This could actually be an immersive decision, as it forces focus on the action. Except that the sound effects also feel incomplete. The gunshots in the game are basic and tinny, probably sound effects from a “free sounds” website. Outside of that, there’s the sound of metal when you hit an airborne ax launched from a zombie; a generic “uh” when your character dies…and that’s about it. 

No, literally, that’s it. The monsters themselves make no sounds whatsoever. It doesn’t matter what they are doing: attacking, moving, getting hit…they are completely silent. Including the chainsaw-wielding psychopaths, who swing their weapons around so quietly, you could hear a pin drop. Pro tip: If you know your game isn’t going to have the proper budget or time to add sound effects, you probably shouldn’t feature creatures carrying the loudest possible weapons. 

CONTROLS

The controls have a familiar setup to other games, with the left side controlling your character’s movements and the right side handling the weapons. The game uses a “stationary” mechanic where your character is apparently paralyzed; the movement pad moves the crosshairs in the direction specified. Movements beyond that are handled by the game. 

The controls are straightforward and marked on the bottom of the screen.

A large “fire” button handles gunfire. Firing the weapon is completely unsatisfactory, and feels too slow. I can’t tell if it’s a control issue, or if the gun just needs to be upgraded in order to perform better. Either way, I don’t even care.

Grenades and other items are centered in the middle of the screen. This is an awkward location that requires moving the hands to reach, lest you have a long thumb. The distance is especially obvious during the “heat” of “battle”.

Overall, the controls are sufficient, I suppose. But not enough to overcome any of the game’s other notable issues.

GAMEPLAY

The base game is like any other zombie hunting game: You play in levels that consist entirely of killing all the monsters that appear on screen. That’s all there is to it. Once you complete a level, you are then tossed into the next one, which looks quite similar to the one before it. 

This is not an issue in and of itself. There are plenty of monotonous games that manage to be fun, at least for a little while. The issue with Zombie Hunter Fire, besides the nonsensical name, is that it has the feel of being thrown together in the dark. 

My new gun, which apparntly deals 14.4 damage per bullet...

Take the weapons system, for example. Newly purchased weapons are often way weaker than older upgraded weapons. Yet the cost to upgrade the “new”, “stronger” weapons is notably more expensive. This becomes more obvious in later levels, when it can take an entire clip to dispatch one zombie with weaker guns. 

...and my old gun, which deals 20 damage and is cheaper to upgrade.

Gold can be used to upgrade “skills”, like headshot damage and overall weapon power. The latter is incredibly expensive, and don’t really seem to have much of an effect. My main gun sucked before I upgraded, and still sucked after the upgrade. “Shields” are ridiculously cheap (1 gold bar) and block up to three strikes per round. These are a great deal and are really helpful; they represent the best value in the “upgrade” department.

The game is “beginner heavy”, which is a lame term I made up for games that are easy in the beginning, but then quickly ramp up difficulty. I’m stuck on level 53 because both of my guns suck, and my “skills” need upgrading. The problem is, upgrading requires playing the game to earn resources. And I have no further desire to play this game. 

Randomly, the game employs an “energy” mechanism, but it doesn’t work the way it does with most games. This is both a welcome change, and also an unnecessary annoyance. Instead of each level costing “energy” to play, it’s only the boss stages and “endless” game modes that require the use of batteries. Alternatively, you can use your available energy to open up supply boxes. Opening one costs 3 batteries, while 5 can be opened for 10. This is a much better “deal”, but the issue is, the contents are always underwhelming.

Wow, look at this great five-crate haul.

Coin amounts in each crate seem to max out at 1,000, but are often much less than that. That means it’s all too common to get fewer than 1000 coins in five crates. Total. The chests can also contain useful items like shields and XP boosts, but don’t feel worth it at all. (Especially since shields only cost 1 gold in the store). 

GAME MODES

To break up the monotony from the single player campaign, Zombie Hunter Fire offers up a couple of other monotonous game modes. The main one is “Survival”. This is a standard in many zombie games. Instead of playing short levels, you square off against endless waves of zombies, seeing how far you can progress before dying. I hate game modes (and games) like this. I don’t like knowing I’m going to die. That’s not something that’s interesting to me. Sure, I die all the time in regular games with an ending, but I like knowing that there’s the possibility of actually ending. Going on and on indefinitely does nothing for me.

Plus, the longer you survive, the longer the game goes. I like games where I can just pick up and put it down whenever. The idea of setting aside time just in case I make it far is another thing that doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest.

Test your tolerance for the game in "survival" mode.

The one plus is some games reward players handsomely for progressing far in this mode. Here, you get your score in coins (I believe it’s 20 coins for every zombie killed), and then have the option to triple that by watching ads. I made it to wave 21, and managed to bag over 16,000 coins for my effort. It can be used to raise funds in a pinch, and is helpful in earlier levels.

The problem is, once weapon upgrades start costing upwards of 48,000, even that amount won’t do much to help. And each “round” costs five “batteries” (representing the aforementioned energy). Since you only get 10, you can play twice before being required to wait 2.5 hours to earn enough to play again.

“Boss” levels are also handled similarly. Each boss takes five “batteries” to fight. Defeating these monsters results in higher cash payouts, but I nevertheless avoid them. Maybe that’s the reason I always find myself short on funds for everything.

ADS/GREED

You're always greeted with one of these first thing.

“Zombie Hunter Fire” is guilty of one of the most annoying practices in mobile games: Pop-up ads. And I’m not talking about third-party ads: I’m talking about the ones that offer upgrades requiring real cash. Right off the bat, every single time the application is loaded. Clicking out of them is easy enough, requiring a tap of the standard “X” in the top right corner, but it’s the principle. It’s the mobile equivalent of panhandling on a street corner. 

Outside of that, the ad load is actually pretty standard. Completing levels results in the forced viewing of a skippable ad. Users can watch videos for additional gold bars. Past levels can be replayed to earn extra in-game currency (though at a reduced rate), which can further prevent the need to spend money for upgrades. Hell, there isn’t even a way to replenish energy “batteries” quicker, whether by watching ads or paying real money. 

The game might feel “scummy”, but at least it doesn’t feel scammy; at least, no moreso than similar games.

FUN

Here’s one of the few areas that truly matter; the one area where many downfalls can be redeemed. I’m sure we’ve all experienced those games that we have a strong affinity for, despite there being one glaring, or several minor flaws. That guilty pleasure we all turn back to, even though we know we shouldn’t. 

Get used to seeing these words.

This is not that game. Nowhere close. It’s a steaming pile of shit. It feels like a college student’s first attempt at coding their own game. Actually, if this were the case, it would be impressive. But as an “official” full release, it’s nothing short of embarrassing.

There’s nothing entertaining about it. The levels and enemies are ultra-repetitive. The weapons are often weak and underpowered. Maybe I played the game “wrong” and wasted gold on the wrong things. But that’s the thing: Even if I was easily blasting through every level, the game would suck. I made it to level 52, and the most exciting thing about the experience is the knowledge that, soon, I can delete it from my phone.

IN CONCLUSION

Zombie games seem to be pretty popular these days, and there are certainly many good ones. Zombie Hunter Fire is one of those copies that seem to be thrown together just to “cash in” on the popularity of such games. There is no imagination or inspiration behind it, besides earning money. But it even misses opportunities on that front. There’s no way to pay for extra “energy”, which is required for “boss” and “survival” modes. It’s so half-assed that it can’t even accurately succeed as a cash grab.

I really try avoiding this score. I really do. The cynic in me doesn’t mind giving them, but I want the ratings to at least have some sort of personal consistency. And if I’m giving zeroes left and right, that makes me seem like some person who can’t be impressed. Like some royalty scoffing at the peasants. That’s definitely not me. (Well, not usually, anyway).

Images can't convey how terrible this game truly is.

The issue is that I’m struggling to find something that I like; some aspect of the game I don’t entirely despise. And I’m coming up with nothing. Just the very thought of playing the game makes me cringe; that probably tells me everything I need to know. 

There are so many things wrong with the end result that you’d swear the point was to get people to avoid playing it. It’s hard to imagine making something this bad without intending to make something this bad. 

I got more satisfaction out of deleting it from my device than actually playing the game could ever provide.

OVERALL: 0/10.

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Coupon (2019)

Director: Daniel Knudsen
Writer(s): Knudsen
Starring: Courtney Mathews, Aaron Noble, Robert Laenen, Sheena Monnin

I'm just going to come out and say it: Christmas Coupon is the worst fucking Christmas movie ever made. Well, to be more technically accurate, it's the worst one I've ever seen, but the thought that there might be something worse out there is almost enough to make me never watch holiday movies again, lest I actually stumble upon one. It's the first movie I've ever seen that's also lead to physical side effects: my holiday-obsessed wife and I couldn't even get aroused for 12 hours after viewing. And, as she declared in all honesty immediately after we fast-forwarded through the final twenty minutes to get to the end: “This just completely sucked the holiday spirit from me.”

It follows a former world-champion figure skater named Alison Grant, who has now resorted to teaching figure skating lessons on a frozen pond. One day, her ex-boyfriend—a semi-handsome man named Ivan Hall—brings his niece to class, and they hit it off. Well, “hit it off” as in have a bitter argument with each other. Of course, by the end, they will fall for each other—even though I've seen more chemistry in police beatings, and, even though Alison already has a long-term boyfriend. Seriously, the dialogue and interactions are so baseless that it actually creates an unnerving atmosphere, rather than one of holiday happiness—like the two leads are being held at gunpoint off-camera, forced to make their relationship work, or else they will be blown to smithereens. I'm halfway tempted to give them the money to reshoot that version.

The movie careens from one idea to the next with no natural flow—it's as if the writer just wanted to cram in as many holiday tropes as possible, without even contemplating things like “believability” or “narrative”. Take the title, for example, which is one of the most hilariously ridiculous titles in holiday history; the inspiration for the title takes place in one scene, and is never recalled again until the end, where it, of course, plays a role in bringing the two feuding lovers back together. Again, did I mention that Alison already has a boyfriend? Typically in these movies, they make it "okay" for the main character to break up with their significant other, by portraying him as a monster, or a cheater, or someone who's no good. Here, though, they forget to even do that: sure, he's kind of a dick, and he doesn't really believe in her, but he actually comes off as more of the victim here, as Ivan is everywhere Alison is every time the boyfriend comes around. So he has every right to act angry, which he does so with all the conviction of someone to whom "anger" is a foreign concept.

Please, please, please, for the love of God, do not see this, unless you want your soul to be forever ruined. This isn't some “reverse psychology” thing, either: it's an honest-to-God plea. Jesus is probably rolling around in his...heaven. It's the worst holiday anything I've ever seen in my entire life. It's one of those movies that's too amateurish to even work as an unintentional comedy: the editing is poor (dig those jump cuts), the music is bland, and the writing is absolutely abysmal. That it comes from a “faith-based” studio is both the ultimate irony, and completely unsurprising.

RATING: 0/10.

TRIVIA: The incompetent director plays an equally incompetent priest, who gets minor points only for slightly resembling Rickety Cricket, the disgraced priest from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

TRAILER

MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: 911 Nightmare (aka Dispatch) (2016)

Director: Craig Moss
Writer(s): Bryan Dick
Starring: Fiona Gubelmann, John Lee Ames, Scott Bailey, and Scott Broderick

I probably sound like a broken record: there are only so many euphemisms and synonyms for “terrible”, and running through MarVista’s movie catalogue has certainly tested my vocabulary limitations in that regard. But the main issue at play here, and one that I keep learning the farther and farther I dip into this project, is just how many different layers, of “bad” there really are: Every time I think I’ve experienced the pinnacle of incompetence, another movie comes along that tests my limits even more.

Case in point: I have reamed many a-main character from the studio’s repertoire for being unlikable, but none of them have ever approached the reprehensible levels of Fiona Gubelmann’s Christine McCullers. Here’s a woman who has literally been directly responsible for all of the hardships she faces, yet still plays the pity card at every turn, as if she’s a victim of circumstances outside her control. And I guess we, as the viewer, are just supposed to support her as she never learns her lesson, continuing to dig herself in deeper; we’re supposed to find our solace in knowing that this is a MarVista movie, and that, by the end, we know all of her misfortunes will turn completely around.

But I didn’t. I hated her from the first moment I saw her, and I hated her more with each passing minute, to the extent that even finishing this movie became a blood-boiling chore. I have said before that there’s nothing worse than a movie that causes feelings of indifference over hatred, because at least hatred makes you feel something, whereas indifference is just…boring; here's a movie that surely pushes the truth of that theory to its absolute limits.

Christine is a cop on the “rough” streets of a small, unnamed city (the only kind in these movies), where she patrols with her father. One night, while driving a routine route, the cops see a hooded figure running down the sidewalk, a flailing woman frantically giving chase. With no idea of what’s going on, or even what crime (if any) has been committed, Christine jumps out of the car, ignores her father’s pleas to wait for backup (you'll quickly learn that listening to others is not her strong suit), follows the subject into the alley, and confronts him at gunpoint.

Her quick action results in the city's biggest bust to date: a 15-year-old kid who has stolen a bag of chips from a convenience store. He claims it’s because his mom hasn’t been home in days, and that he’s hungry, but Christine still informs him that she must arrest him. Huh? A kid? Over an item that couldn’t cost more than $2? Sure, lady. (Granted, she at least has an understanding, consoling tone, and doesn’t come off as some brash, trigger happy officer, but this is still pretty stupid.) In just one instance of many that makes Christine look like a bungling idiot—Mr. Magoo made flesh—the dumb bitch somehow lets a teenaged child squirm free of her grasp, grab her gun, and turn the tables. Of course now is when her dad joins the fray and takes charge of the situation, calming the subject down, who gives clear signs that he is about to surrender. And this is the moment—this very moment when the situation is under complete control--that Ms. McCunters decides is the perfect time to go for a backup gun she has hidden away; when her dad notices, he yells for her to stop (probably not the smartest thing he could do in that situation), the young kid panics, and shoots them both before getting shot himself. Both the victim, and Christine's dad die in the ensuing shootout; perhaps saddest of all is that Christine does not.

When we next see her, a little while later, she is suffering a limp from a bullet that hit her upper torso. (Seriously, in the opening scene, she lays in a pool of her own blood, body only seen from the waist up; not once is a leg injury even hinted at. Even later on, when they replay the shooting, she is clearly shot above the legs.) Her disability prevents her from patrolling the streets (probably a good thing for all), and has instead confined her to a dispatcher role. As it turns out, she sucks at that, too.

One day, a kid calls in, claiming he’s seen a boogeyman, and that he needs help. Christine dismisses it as a prank call almost immediately, and urges the child, several times, to hang up, stressing that the line is for emergency calls only. She clearly sounds agitated, finding relief only after the kid finally complies with her request. A couple of days later she’s called into the office to speak with her bosses: turns out the child she ignored was actually pleading for help on behalf of another kid, a teen who was murdered that night. She’s placed on unpaid suspension barring the outcome of the ensuing investigation, then for another two months after they find her negligible, but somehow valuable enough not to terminate.

Despite her “suspended” status, though—and also in spite of the fact she hasn’t been an actual cop for months—the police station never takes her gun or her badge away. And do you know why that’s convenient? Because she doesn’t think the widely-accepted suspects, the boy’s parents, are the ones that carried out this heinous crime! So, after already getting her father, and another boy killed through her incompetence, and with a job she desperately needs on the line, she launches her own investigation into the murder that she herself failed to stop. Can you say “tone deaf”?

The aforementioned “investigation” consists of tracking down people that the police should have already talked to (but, in some cases, didn't), and either pulling out a gun and yelling at them to admit to things they didn’t actually do, or asking basic suspects basic questions that the police no doubt already asked. All this and for what? What’s her endgame? In order to truly care for a character, you have to understand and care for their goal. What does she honestly hope to accomplish by doing this, and, perhaps more importantly, why should we care? This isn't some woman who's been a victim of unfortunate circumstance: This is a woman so stupid, she’s already killed two people through her own selfish actions, actions which she never shows a shred of remorse or accountability over (and the one time she does, she's clearly seeking validation from a friend). Despite her assurance that it's all about justice, and the synopsis assuring us it's about her guilt, it never comes across that way: instead, the investigation just feels like a way for her to clear her name, despite actually having legitimate blood on her hands.

To cope with all of the bad luck that she has completely brought upon herself, she frequents a local bar, where she somehow meets an attractive man who takes an interest in her. She assures him that he shouldn’t be interested, and shows her the crutch she uses to get around, something that’s pretty goddamned obvious considering she stumbles around everywhere in the first few scenes like a baby duck trying to walk for the first time in the movie's initial post-injury stages; an injury that seems to change in location and severity by the minute. The man, who luckily for her happens to be an actual cop with real credentials, assures her it’s okay and that he still wants to be with her, even though she has absolutely no appealing characteristics whatsoever. (No joke, she smiles once the entire movie, and spends the rest of the time either pitying herself, or using other people for her own personal gain.)

There have been several other movies where I’ve been against the leads getting together: most of the time, it’s simply because the actors are awful, or lack the basic chemistry necessary to make me think they deserve each other. Other times, despite the writers’ insistence that you cheer for them to get with the other lead, they just seem to fit better with a different character. But this is the very first time where the thought of her with anyone made me physically ill: this is an abhorrent character, who has wreaked havoc on herself and everything around her, without so much as an apology, or a basic acknowledgment that she is a terrible person; the idea that we are supposed to cheer for her to do anything except die alone is one of the great miscalculations of the entire 21^st century. (Actually, the love story isn't necessary at all; it would still be an awful movie without it, but at least a little shorter and minus one overblown plot point.)

Anyway, her investigation picks up: she starts enlisting the aide of actual on-duty cops to help her, something that would get everyone involved fired if they found out. But why should she care how her terrible decisions and complete lack of moral awareness affect others? She's got a name to clear, and it's entirely her own. Oh, and the parents who are going to jail for murdering their kid, but they are just the lucky beneficiaries of her obsessive need to prove to everyone that she's right about everything, and everyone else is wrong.

So she breaks into house after house, and follows suspect after suspect, and falls down from her slight knee bruise that's made to sound like an amputation-worthy injury (no joke) time and time again, all without police credentials or a search warrant, and all without the department's knowledge that she's going behind their backs to find a killer that they don't seem to have any interest in finding. If only they all had selfish reasons to dig deeper into the evidence like Ms. Child Killer does here, maybe they would have seen the errors of their ways and tried to find the real perpetrator a little harder.

Really, it all comes down to three words: fuck this movie. Fuck everything about it. It's alarming in its tone-deaf sincerity, in which we're supposed to cheer for a former police officer to avoid accountability for her own actions. So heartless is this cunt, that the only time we ever hear her apologize is to a man with whom she had a one night stand, and then kicked him out the following morning—and only because she needs his help. She doesn't apologize to her father's grave, or even to the mother of the child she so carelessly allowed to be killed, who she visits in prison simply to tell her she believes she's innocent; she doesn't apologize to the janitor she holds at gunpoint, screaming at him to admit to murders he never committed. This is a woman who finds her entire life in hot water thanks to a series of bad decisions, and the only way she can fathom getting out is by making a series of even worse decisions.

And of course, it works, because by the end, she solves the murder and gets her old job back. She also gets the officer to fall for her, despite having the personality of a fucking napkin (actually, that's not true, because napkins clean up messes instead of constantly creating them). Nevermind that she trespassed and gained every bit of evidence illegally, and that she risked the jobs—and lives--of others to achieve her own goal...all that matters is that she managed to prove that for every two lives she murders, she's able to save the only one that matters to her: her own.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS (POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD)

• The scene where a superior makes fun of her limp while making a crying face is both politically incorrect, and absolutely fucking hilarious; in fact, it's the only scene that isn't genuinely infuriating in the entire movie (although the scene right after, in which Christine is so enraged by it that she throws her cane away and walks down the stairs perfectly fine, is.)
• DRINKING GAME: Every time that stupid bitch falls, take a drink.
• If you're going to have a movie where the main character has to alternate between limping and crying all the time, shouldn't you make sure to hire an actress that can consistently do both?
• DRINKING GAME: Every time her limp changes, take a drink. In the beginning it's cartoonishly overblown, and by the end it's very nearly forgotten, yet we're notified she's very close to needing it removed because it's so badly damaged, and she falls over in dangerous situations no fewer than four times.
• She's broken into that suspect's house so many times at this point, that I think she owes him rent money.
• NOTE: If you're ever going to break into someone's house, it's probably a good idea not to touch their mail.
• How does she get to call the shots all the time? Her “partner's” a cop who doesn't have blood on his hands, and is actually still a credentialed cop, for God's sake, and yet she's ordering him around like she isn't the worst officer ever to don a uniform.
• If you're building a case around someone, it's probably not a great idea to do it in a car parked right in front of their house.
• It's also probably not a great idea to use the same car, parked directly in front, for several days, either.
• She calls an officer friend to warn him of impending danger; he doesn't get notification of the call or texts despite literally using his phone to take pictures at the exact same time.
• Example of her outstanding police ability: (Subject far away at night) “Freeze!” (subject runs; she takes one step forward and falls down).

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 0/10.

TRAILER

CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas Wedding Planner (2017)

Okay, it's probably unfair to even rate this, considering we only made it about ten minutes in before we canceled our Netflix subscription, smashed our television set, and gouged out our eyes to prevent ourselves from ever having to witness something so cruel and unusual again; don't consider this a “review” so much as a warning.

This is awful. It's the kind of movie that thinks all it takes to make people laugh are to have two characters run into each other, something that honestly happens three times in the small window of time we were watching. It's the kind of movie that somehow wants to overcome you with holiday cheer, yet throws in characters so despicable that you want to murder them. Of course, I'm sure by the end said characters realize the errors of their ways and make a complete 180, but you shouldn't make your movie feel like an obstacle course to get that far.

It's a shame, too, because lead Jocelyn Hudon is beautiful—one of the cutest girls I've ever seen in a schmaltzy holiday role--but is completely lost amongst the schticky acting and tired story. In this, Hudon is Kelsey, an up-and-coming wedding planner whose first job is also her biggest: Planning her cousin's extravagant wedding. But when she runs into a slightly attractive mega-douche Connor (who even has the douchiest name imaginable!), her world is overturned. Well, not at first, because they hate each other, but something tells me the spirit of Christmas will help change their tune! 

Lots of Disney-grade acting (in the defense of those, they are for pre-pubescent children), coincidences (oh, the man that bought the last scone at the coffeeshop is the cousin's ex-boyfriend?), and totally illogical scenes follow, such as when Kelsey is tasked with removing the mega-douche from a wedding party, even though the guy seems amicably there by all counts. And it's all within the first ten minutes. The idea that this could go on for almost 9 times that length something that most humans cannot fathom. For die-hard, unassuming fans of this kind of movie only.

RATING: 0.5/10 

TRAILER

A Serbian Film (2010)

Director: Srdjan Spasojevic
Writer(s): Spasojevic and Aleksandar Radivojevic
Starring: Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic, Jelena Gavrilovic, and Slobodan Bestic

There are generally two kinds of horror movies I like to watch:  Those that are scary, and those that are gory, which I guess kind of summarizes everyone who enjoys watching horror movies, except that I search for the most extremes of each kind.  The only caveat:  My gore movies have to have some kind of redeeming quality, which is why I stay away from straight-up gore films, like Faces of Death, or August Underground, or Slaughtered Vomit Dolls.  Hearing that A Serbian Film was insanely gross, but at least had some artistic merit and was well-made, I excitedly popped it in the DVD player.

Following along is very simple:  Milos (played by Srdjan Todorovic) is a retired porn star who is eventually talked into making one final film, by creepy film director Vukmir (Sergej Trifunovic).  He is told it will be an “art house” film, though it doesn’t take long for Milos, or the viewer, to realize that something is not quite right.  It starts off when he is forced to brutalize a woman while ejaculating in her face…and then it’s even further downhill from here.

Co-writer/director Srdjan Spasojevic is content with spending the entire running time throwing one poorly-conceived, juvenile gross-out scene after another at the audience.  It truly has the feel of two high school kids trying to come up with the sickest things they can, in an attempt to outdo each other.  Only, instead of staying in the back of a classroom, it’s up on a screen for all to see.  However, the cumulative effect of the constant string of shocks wore off for me about midway through, until the whole thing just became laughably atrocious.  By the time the infamous “newborn rape” scene rolled around, the movie had completely lost me; it had lost its power to provoke, or shock, and I actually laughed at the ignorance required to even think of including such a scene, not to mention the awkward staging of it.  There’s no build-up or lead-in (besides watching the woman give birth to it moments prior)…it’s just there.  Which aptly explains the whole existence of this movie in the first place. 

Ditto for a sequence near the end in which Milos and his brother are raping two hooded people…if you are seriously caught off-guard by the big reveal in this scene, as many people seem to have been, then you must not have been paying attention; both my wife and I called the victims’ identities way before they were revealed.  Who knew entering the mind of a hack could be so darn easy?

Of course, Spasojevic takes the easy route by claiming this is an allegory for political unrest in Serbia, and claims that by watching this movie, you feel how Serbs feel every day that they live in their country.  Political statements have long been used to explain difficult films; the other most notable example (at least off the top of my head) is Salo, directed by Pier Paolo Pasolini.  As difficult as that movie is to stomach, it wouldn’t be far-fetched to believe that there may be political motivations behind it; after all, Pasolini was known for making political statements, both in his own life, and in his movies.  Even the mysterious events surrounding his death, which went in the books as a romantic rendezvous gone wrong, have been described as an assassination.

With nothing else in Spasojevic’s filmography to go off of, it’s hard to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Of course, any movie scene can be spun to fit any agenda, but the only feeling I got from the frames of “A Serbian Film” was desperation; it has only a desperate need to shock and provoke.  Once that wears off, about thirty minutes in, all you're left with is the exact type of movie I was trying to avoid; one that has nothing to say beyond the shallow violence it depicts on the screen.

RECAP: A shallow movie with nothing to offer besides scenes of violence that get gradually worse and worse as the movie goes on.  However, by the halfway point, you’ll not only be one step ahead of director Srdjan Spasojevic, you’ll also be laughing hysterically at his inability to leave a scene on the cutting room floor, no matter how juvenile and unnecessary it is.

RATING: 0/10

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