The Mortuary Collection (2019)

Director: Ryan Spindell
Writer: Spindell
Starring: Clancy Brown, Caitlin Custer, Christine Kilmer, and Jacob Elordi

Anthologies are one of those things that tend to get a bad rap, but are no worse than any other horror subgenre. Maybe that’s an old-fashioned thought, because there have been quite a few lately that have released to strong acclaim, but overall, they still seem like the red-headed stepchild of the horror world.

As seems to be the case with the “modern” anthology, all of the four story threads are interlinked by one underlying segment about an undertaker whose normal day is interrupted by a young female looking for a job. Or is she? Or is he? Unsurprisingly, nothing is what it seems…but then again, this is a horror movie, so between that fact and the brief synopsis, we pretty much know that going in.

In the “warm up” segment, a sea monster lives in someone’s medicine cabinet. While this one is ultimately very pointless (it’s less than ten minutes in length and has no narrative set up whatsoever), it does end up being the best story of the bunch. Make of that what you will.

The second one concerns a handsome fraternity brother who gets his kicks by sleeping with women. One day he meets a mysterious one who seems to be his match, but it’s obvious that things aren’t right with her. Before you know it, they meet at a party where they hit it off; before you know it they’re getting down and dirty in an upstairs bedroom. She gives him a condom to put on, but in true douchebag fashion, he fakes it—only to discover that was the worst mistake of his life.

So, what happens to our poor lad? Does he get some kind of deadly STD? Turn into some kind of monster, so that his physical appearance matches his inner persona? No, no, you’re still way off; the reality is much, much stupider than anything you could probably come up with, which certainly does set a fitting tone for the remaining stories. I’m sure this story is getting praised for reversing gender stereotypes, and having a womanizing man put in his place, but a bad story is still a bad story, no matter who the perpetrator is.

In the third one, a man who loves his wife is devastated by the mounting debt and frustrations of caring for her after she suffers head trauma in an accident. Looking for an easy way out, he is given some pills by her caring physician, capable of putting her out of her misery. But things don’t quite go as planned for the man, who is trapped with her body in a malfunctioning elevator…

The fourth and final story is different in that it is told not by the mortician, but by the woman visitor; if you didn’t suspect something was up with her by now, the fact she’s telling a story of her own is…well…telling. In it, she recounts the story of a child’s corpse (which, for the squeamish out there, is never shown) and the role she played in it: she was the babysitter the night the child was murdered. Her over-the-top battle with the serial killer is the focus of this one, which ends with a twist that’s as tired as it is rather impractical and uninteresting.

The last one has to deal with our mortician, as we learn his true identity. What? He’s not what he seems to be? What? Neither is she? Wow, could not see either of those things coming from the opening setup. Oh, wait…that was it? That’s the reason we sat through the whole thing? Christ.

The stories are high in production quality but rather low in entertainment value: the focus on laughs rather than chills gives it all a more “lighthearted” feel that mostly just feels like a copout to the material. There’s some rather dark subject matter at play here, such as child murders and assisted suicides, but it’s all handled so sheepishly so that none of it has any impact whatsoever. Seriously, if you have a story in which a child is killed, and my wife is not the slightest bit affected, you have done something completely wrong.

It's not that tackling these issues or obliterating taboos is wrong; in fact, I quite support it (within reason). However, why make them the focus when you’re too soft-hearted to go for the gut? These stories could be just as impactful (which is to say, not at all) without the directors trying to pretend that they’re edgier and more hardcore than they have any interest in actually being; it’s like the schoolyard bully, who can talk a good game, but then gets his ass kicked whenever someone steps up to face him.

I must say though, even as the stories failed to hold my interest, the visuals stepped up; it’s not really flashy in its visual approach, but it just…looks like a legitimate movie. That might sound like a knock to the genre, but let’s be real here, many horror movies are produced as kind of an afterthought; an easy attempt to cash in on the teenaged audiences looking to cuddle up with their boyfriends or girlfriends and have a good scare in the process. For being a movie that went straight to video (or rather, straight to Shudder), this one has all the quality of a big-budget studio movie. It looks like it belongs in a theater; maybe that was the plan before the world took a turn to shit, but regardless, this is a movie that looks like no expense was spared.

The acting is also a strong suit: I didn’t really find myself caring for any of the characters, but that has nothing to do with the actors themselves, who no doubt do as they were told to do. Again, it’s nice to see that the horror genre seems to be gaining momentum with audiences. It used to be that actors would take the roles for easy cash, knowing they could just phone it in, and no one would really care.

Now, though, actors seem to be taking horror movie roles because they want to; that might also have to do with horror’s recent trend of giving female characters more to do than just bare their tits, or scream as loud and high-pitched as they possibly can. Good for them. It’s a change that’s long overdue, and one that should lead to even more positive attention shed on a genre that’s certainly deserving of it.

Now if only the brunt of that attention could be focused on movies that aren’t this one, that would be even better.

OVERALL: 3.5/10

TRAILER

Downrange (2017)

Director: Ryûhei Kitamura
Writer(s): Kitamura, and Joey O'Bryan
Starring: Kelly Connaire, Stephanie Pearson, Rod Hernandez, and Anthony Kirlew

Downrange is a movie for people who aren't interested in wasting time on things like “characterization” or “context”: within the film's first five minutes, the story is completely set up for us. And a simple story it is: Six carpoolers, most of whom don't know each other, and who are each headed to their own unspecified locations, blow a tire in the middle of nowhere (with—surprise!--no cell phone signal) and are then picked off one by one by a former military sharpshooter hiding somewhere in the surrounding trees.

With this simple setup, director Ryûhei Kitamura subverts audience expectations, delivering a devilish film that's a grueling exercise in bloodshed and tension, even for more “advanced” horror fans. I imagine many of the poor reviews of this are from people who expected a more “lighthearted” killing spree, but Kitamura's focus on the heartless, cold-blooded killer who, we can only assume, lies in wait for “prey”, allows him a virtually blank canvas to destroy long-held taboos: children are murdered, a dying character gasps for breath (which I've since learned is a Kitamura trademark), people helplessly look on as loved ones die, and every murder is carried out in excruciating, almost-too-graphic detail, from a nameless murderer with no feeling or remorse or sense of mercy, and whose backstory and motives are never revealed. It's almost the antithesis of what horror movies have become, but what they should always have been: actually horrifying.

Unfortunately, Kitamura's commitment to the visceral aspects don't translate to the writing, which presents the same standard collection of cardboard cutouts for its characters: there's the token black man, the young lovers, the good-looking single guy, the tough knowledgeable woman, and the timid, shy female. Many of these characters are so annoying that you're begging for the killer to off them as quickly as possible. (And, of course, the two worst offenders are the ones that make it the farthest, adding a dose of anger to the proceedings on the part of the viewer.) The acting is also hit-or-miss, though I would venture to say that, at least for a horror movie, the cast is above-average overall.

While those issues certainly knock the film down several pegs, preventing it from being the classic it could have been with a more experienced cast, there's no denying that this is a brutal film that takes horror back to its roots. It's primitive, ugly, and violent, and overall accomplishes the basic things that it sets out to do.

RATING: 7/10

TRAILER