The Love Witch (2016)

Director: Anna Biller
Writer(s): Biller
Starring: Samantha Robinson, Jeffrey Vincent Parise, Laura Waddell and Gian Keys

There aren’t too many movies like Anna Biller’s The Love Witch, a film that she not only wrote and directed, but also produced, edited, and scored. It’s a rather bizarre comedic throwback to ‘60s horror. So unique is it that it’s rather hard to explain to those who have not been cast under its spell. 

Samantha Robinson is the beautiful Elaine, a witch who doesn’t seem to have much luck with members of the opposite sex, despite her frequent use of love potions and spells. So she kills them, before almost immediately moving on to the next one. She reeks of desperation, falling immediately for man after man and hoping that they will simply return her love and turn her into a housewife.

Unfortunately, Elaine’s witch instincts are rather poor; she often “overdoses” her subjects with spells that are too strong; as a result, they turn from “typical” cold-hearted men, into sappy, oversentimental babies who become too dependent on her. This, we quickly learn, is a turnoff for our protagonist: Even the desperate have their limits, after all.

No one seems to notice her killing spree (when friends ask, she merely tells them that she had to call off the relationship because they were too clingy), allowing her to continue with reckless abandon. There’s a hilarious scene in which she seduces - and then kills - the husband of a close friend while she is out of town, then keeps trying to change the subject when her distraught friend tries to tell her about her husband’s murder. 

Of course, all “good” things must come to an end; soon, she discovers that a police detective is hot on her trail. He is good-looking and confident, the way all men “should” be, which naturally makes him an ideal mate. She manages to seduce him…with unintended results. Is the man tasked with taking her down the man of her dreams? Or will he be just another victim to her ongoing scheme?

What’s refreshing is that this isn’t some cliched story about a woman who’s carrying out premeditated murder. Well, I guess it’s premeditated in that, at some point, she knows she’s going to carry it out, but Elaine goes into each relationship actually hoping that she has just met “the one”. She’s ready to settle down with any man who succumbs to her charms, which is also a reference to the male-dominated world of the ‘60s. 

Where the film gets its charm is from its trippy aesthetic: characters dressed in ‘60s style attire, are surrounded by decor and paraphernalia from the same decade, yet it’s actually set in the present day. Adding to the film’s sense of style are the “theatrical”, stilted performances - done intentionally in yet another homage to the style of the ‘60s - which somehow feels appropriate and is well-executed, although it certainly won’t be to everyone’s taste. 

Robinson is perfectly cast as the sultry seductress. At the risk of sounding shallow (I know, I know, looks aren’t everything) it’s easy to see how she could lure so many men under her spell. She does have a natural presence about her that also puts the viewer under her spell; we cheer for her to find her soulmate, even as it becomes more and more evident that such a man might not exist. She’s charming and likable; even we are willing to overlook her murderous streak, in the hopes that she finds her Mr. Right.

Its sole downfall is that it is painfully overlong, clocking in at exactly two hours. While that might commonly be seen as a minor transgression in most films, it’s a rather large one for a film like this, where the hammy acting and campy style all starts to lose its luster and become rather tedious. If the length felt necessary to fully explore the story, that’s obviously one thing. Yet its plot is simple enough that it easily could have been trimmed of some of its “fat”, without ruining the story or breaking its momentum. It never fully qualifies as “boring”, but it surely comes closer to eliciting that emotional state than it should.

Despite that, I’m certainly recommending The Love Witch to anyone looking for a unique spin on the horror genre; especially those who are typically not fans of such films. Those devoted to the genre might be off-put by the weird style, and lack of focus on the horrific elements (which are often played for lighthearted laughs), but for anyone with an open mind, The Love Witch provides enough character to distinguish itself in an overcrowded genre.

RATING: 6.5/10.

We Summon the Darkness (2019)

Director: Marc Meyers
Writer(s): Alan Trezza
Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Keean Johnson, Maddie Hasson, and Amy Forsyth

We Summon the Darkness is yet another movie that prevents me from going into much detail about the plot, without the possibility of ruining a key plot twist that - admittedly - isn’t entirely unforeseen. However, the marketing details intentionally go out of their way to avoid mentioning it, so I will respect their wishes and do the same.

Alexis and Val are two heavy metal-obsessed gals who take a third, Bev, under their wing. The three of them travel the city, attending music concerts. During one gig, they bump into three boys at the same show; there’s undeniable sparks between a couple of them. So the girls decide to host an afterparty at Alexis’ dad’s house, which the boys agree to attend…and that’s when all hell breaks loose.

Oh, and perhaps I should mention that there have been a string of satanic-themed murders gripping the town; the body count is up to 18, and leaving the community stricken with terror. Of course, this will play a role at some point. (While this is also left out of marketing materials, this isn’t really a spoiler since it’s mentioned within the first five minutes.)

Plot twist aside, We Summon the Darkness is woefully predictable and average in just about every regard, with a feeling of deja vu permeating every scene; there’s nothing here that anyone with any experience in horror hasn’t seen before. Since the "big reveal" is disclosed somewhere around the half-hour mark (maybe a little sooner), the filmmakers play their entire hand early, then let the film slowly run out of gas the rest of the way. That being said, there are some appropriately gushy gore sequences that should manage to satiate fans of that kind of thing, at least for a short while. I would definitely consider myself among the ranks of such fans, but the blood - while bountiful - wasn’t frequent enough to completely hold my attention.

The acting is pretty good across the board, but the real surprise is Alexandra Daddario as Alexis. I first saw her in an episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and let’s just say, to see her is virtually to fall in love with her. She has a unique look, one that stands out from the rest of Hollywood sameness, yet is captivating nonetheless. Here, she really gets to flex her acting muscles in an unexpected way, and I have to say that it caught me off guard. I expected a more subdued effort - the way big name actors always seem to approach horror films - but she clearly gives it her all, with impressive results. She still has the safety net of a horror movie with comedic elements (where solid acting is never a requirement), but her performance would feel just as home in an exercise in pure horror. Johnny Knoxville is also good, but in a much more muted role. Who knew he could act in genre fare?

Unfortunately, any momentum it manages to create is completely undone by its fervent monotony. What is it with horror films these days retreading each other in such uninspired fashion? I suppose it’s not just an epidemic limited to the horror genre, but it’s a disappointing state of affairs for cinema in general. I would chalk it up as a result of the pandemic - where people are just happy to go out and see anything, since they couldn’t for the longest time - but this was actually made in 2019, before that was even a thing. We should honestly be demanding more out of our movies besides the same ol' thing.

If you’re a die-hard fan of Daddario, I would say there’s enough here to justify a watch, especially if you’re also a fan of the horror genre. However, just about everyone else should probably take a pass…Netflix’s library is too expansive to waste your time on below-average efforts like this.

RATING: 4.5/10

TRAILER

Night Teeth (2021)

Director: Adam Randall
Writer(s): Brent Dillon
Starring: Jorge Lendeborg Jr., Debby Ryan, Lucy Fry and Raul Castillo

Boy, Debby Ryan must really be desperate to shed her former Disney-star image: First, she starred in the TV-MA rated TV series “Insatiable” as a wannabe beauty pageant contestant who’s taken under the wing of a former lawyer-turned-pageant-coach. Sure, the series was more on the comedic side, but there was certainly more raunchiness than one would expect out of a former child/teen star.

Also one who might still feel in need of an image-shedding is Lucy Fry, who got her start in shows like “Alien Surf Girls” and the endearingly awful “Mako Mermaids” before moving on to more adult fare like “Wolf Creek”. Still, it would be believable that a child who entered the limelight at a young age might feel as though that shadow is following them around, ready to pigeonhole or sideline them at any time. It's no wonder many end up trying to shed that "goody two shoes" image.

Well, the two have teamed up as vampires in the Netflix-original Night Teeth, which actually bares the slightly less-adult TV-14 rating. But don’t let that rating fool you: while there’s barely any blood, and no real sexual situations to speak of, there’s a lot of adult language, which singlehandedly should have been enough to push it into TV-MA territory. Can they help pull this Netflix-produced film up from the realm of mediocrity? 

Benny is a wannabe music producer who lives at home with his grandma. He seems to have big dreams, but without the motivation to follow up on them (I know his plight all too well). His older brother, Jay, stops home for a visit; he runs what appears to be an Uber-style business, offering rides to upscale clients. One of his workers has called in sick, putting a scheduled ride in jeopardy. Benny offers to fill the role. At first, his brother is hesitant, but eventually relents.

His task appears to be simple: drive two girls around for an entire night. Jay lays out the ground rules: don’t talk to them, leave them alone, and then collect what should be a big tip at the end. It sounds easy enough, but as we know from watching one too many horror movies, it can never be that simple. As it turns out, the two girls are Blaire and Zoe (Ryan and Fry, respectively), two girls who request Benny to drive them to a series of parties. All he has to do is wait in the car for them, and drive on to the next one. Still sounds pretty easy, right? Well, of course it doesn’t quite go down that way - especially not after he learns his two ride companions are vampires looking to overthrow an evil leader, and Benny’s own brother is a vampire hunter who wants to exterminate them all.

Night Teeth is competently made, which of course is to be expected given that it’s a Netflix production. It has plenty of style, a likable cast, and is imbued with a generous helping of humor, most of which actually manages to be more funny than annoying. The problem is that it’s enveloped in such an unengaging story that somehow manages to be both too basic, and too complex, for its own good. In other words, there’s a pretty straightforward path from point A to point B, but it takes the scenic route, throwing in unnecessary characters and plot twists until it almost becomes confusing. 

Of course, confusing plots can be a plus, but not in the type of movie where it’s all clearly just supposed to be mindless fun. And, it's not good in a movie with so little payoff besides the happy ending that we could all see coming from a mile away (mild spoiler alert, I guess, but you can't say you didn't already expect it).

Then there’s all the obligatory plot devices: the romance that blooms between Blaire and Benny; the showdown with the final boss; the random inclusion of Megan Fox in a teeny, pointless role; it all plays out in completely predictable fashion over the course of its bloated 107 minutes. 

Aside from the cast, and the stylish visuals, there’s really not much here to recommend; it’s especially not worth sitting down and completely investing your time in it. But if you’re just looking for a Halloween movie to throw on while you carve pumpkins, or bake Halloween cookies - something you can just pop in and check on from time-to-time - then this is as good a background movie as you’re going to find. You might get a little confused by the plot, but trust me: you’re not missing anything.

RATING: 5/10

TRAILER

The Cleansing Hour (2019)

Director: Damien LeVeck
Writer(s): LeVeck and Aaron Horwitz, from a story by Horwitz
Starring: Ryan Guzman, Kyle Gallner, Alix Angelis, and Chris Lew Kum Hoi

Maybe it’s a little unfair, but nothing is more disappointing than a movie sucking that you had high hopes for. Of course, critique is supposedly all about being as unbiased as possible, but it’s impossible to go into every single viewing with the same mindset: some movies we know a lot about heading into it, while others we know nothing but the title. Modern trailers are becoming an increasingly big factor—what once seemed to exist to give the viewers a taste of what they could expect, modern trailers seem to either give away too much, or to mislead people into believing they’re getting something they’re not.

It was with excitement we sat down to a viewing of The Cleansing Hour, a Shudder original film. Shudder originals, like anything else, can be hit or miss, but based on the few I’ve seen, I’d say they have a higher success rate than other companies: at the very least, they seem to have their finger on the pulse of their fanbase. Unfortunately, The Cleansing Hour is one of those “misses”—one where I spent almost the entire final hour wishing for it to be over (sure, I could have just stopped it, but where’s the honor in that?) It’s not nearly as clever as it thinks it is, nor is it even remotely funny; it’s just a blending of several horror standards into one equally clichéd monstrosity. It’s kind of like the film equivalent of watching your best friend awkwardly try to hit on some girl you know you could get: you just watch helplessly from afar, cringing at each stupid decision, unable (or unwilling) to help him out because he’s in so deep, nothing could dig him back out. You know full well nothing good will come of it, yet you’re unable to look away.

Ryan Guzman is Max, a preacher who performs exorcisms on a popular online video platform to thousands of adoring fans. His sidekick is Drew, a lifelong friend who, along with his fiancé Lane, run the behind-the-scenes while Max glows in the spotlight. It doesn’t take long to see why he’s so popular, as he looks closer to a supermodel than a man of the cloth; it’s not surprising to learn that he’s a hit with the ladies. It also doesn’t take much to see why Lanie is quitting the show, and urging her soon-to-be-husband to do the same; he seems to be too caught up in himself, and his own affairs, to consider anyone else. Oh, and he’s also a fraud, something that is reiterated to us time and time again, whether he’s setting up another elaborately staged exorcism, or sleeping with one of the women following him around (so much for a vow of celibacy, eh?)

Anyway, as you can also tell from the brief synopsis, things go from bad to gradually worse: the actor in tonight’s exorcism is a no-call no-show (actually attacked in an alley by a monster, I guess?), leaving the duo scrambling to find a replacement. And that replacement is a reluctant Lanie, who has no interest in performing in front of the camera on her last day. Alas, true love prevails, as her fiancé coaxes her into doing it.

But things quickly go off the rails as Lane is actually possessed by a demon, who holds the duo captive, and forces them to admit their deepest secrets if they want to make it out alive. It all leads up to a ridiculous CGI confrontation with an evil entity hellbent on destroying the duo, all in the name of Satan!

If that sounds ridiculous, that’s because it is. If that sounds good, well then I’m sorry for misrepresenting it.

I guess we have to give director Damien LeVeck credit for ambition: the story spans several countries and tries to make social statements about everything from televangelists to social media stars; the issue is, the targets are already so well-known and overdone, that it all feels tired right out of the gates. Pair that up with the standard exorcism staples (telekinesis, vomiting, foul mouth, infinite knowledge…at least there’s no head spinning), and you have a movie that tries to deliver way more than it comfortably can. Even the “admit all your sins” approach the demon takes feels like a stale retread of countless other films; it botches itself even further by offering no real revelations worth a damn, instead making it all feel like the pointless waste of time that it is. Wow, so he’s a fraud? We already know that from reading the basic plot outline included in the marketing materials, or by watching the trailer. There’s also some muck dredged up about a past relationship that is supposed to be a bombshell revelation—but that merely comes across as a slight fizzle.

The one area where Cleansing Hour excels are in the performances. Not all of them are good, but the main cast deliver some solid chops that feel out of place here, given the oftentimes amateurish material.  Alix Angelis as Lane steals the show—she’s required to strike a balance between aggressor and victim, and manages to do so without looking stupid. That’s a pretty big feat. Ditto that for Kyle Gallner as Drew, Lane’s boyfriend, who is forced to watch helplessly from the sidelines as the unfortunate situation plays out right in front of his very eyes.

It’s a feeling the viewer knows all too well.

OVERALL RATING: 4/10

TRAILER

Tammy and the T-Rex (Gore Cut) (2019)

Director: Stewart Rafill
Writer(s): Rafill, and Gary Brockette
Starring: Denise Richards, Paul Walker, Theo Forsette, and Terry Kiser

There are idiotic movies, and then there are movies like Tammy and the T-Rex, which was reviled upon its release as a “family-friendly” PG-13 movie in 1994, but has just been re-released in an uncut R-rated version that adds quite a bit of gore (and is, in fact, referred to as the “gore cut”.). Actually, in an interesting side note to the tastes of particular regions, it stayed in its uncut version in other countries (most notably Italy), while U.S. executives thought the best way to peddle the movie was to strip it of virtually all of its violence in order to appeal to the masses (cue facepalm). I've never seen the PG-13 cut (though I intend to), but the uncut Tammy is a dazzlingly laughable movie that's completely in on its own joke, and the end result is, despite its one-joke premise, consistently hilarious and damn-near brilliant.

Denise Richards is the titular Tammy, a popular high school girl who falls for Paul Walker's Michael. However, her ex-boyfriend—bad boy Billy (why are all bad boys named Billy?)--isn't willing to let her go so easily. One night, Billy and his goons catch Michael with Tammy, and end up entrapping him in an open-air safari (?) where they beat him and leave him to be mauled by a lion (??).

Meanwhile, a scientist who has created a working, full-scale replica of a tyrannosaurus, is disgusted at the idea that it must be controlled remotely, and longs for a way to give it a life of its own. He, along with his trusty assistant Helga, decide the best way to do that would be to give it a human brain! The evil duo end up hovering around a local hospital to find suitable candidates, where he stumbles upon Michael, who is barely clinging to life. They feign his death so that they can steal his brain (in a rather impressive and graphic sequence; it's also the point Michael's "feigned" death becomes real), and transplant it into the head of the T-rex. Lo and behold, it works! But, much to the chagrin of the mad scientist, Michael the T-Rex has only two things on his mind: continuing his relationship with Tammy, and getting revenge on those responsible for his horrific state.

Denise Richards is a perfect Tammy, Paul Walker is appropriately Paul Walker as the popular jock, and Theo Forsett stands out as Tammy's gay best friend Byron. Speaking of which, was it common to have such an over-the-top gay character in 1994? And one that was black? Those are actual sincere questions, because characters like that are so commonplace today, but homosexuals weren't as well regarded as they were back then...in fact, this was still during the whole HIV/AIDS scare that was casting gay men in a negative light. Sure, his character covers the stereotypes of being both black and gay, but his character is well-liked by everyone, and he's otherwise never treated as the “token”. The movie feels almost revelatory in that regard; his character should feel even more at home now than he did in the '20s.

As you can probably tell by now, this is one of those things that you're either going to love, or hate; you can even probably already tell just from that synopsis which category you're going to fit in. It's basically just a one-joke premise, combining teen rom-coms with Jurassic Park (in fact, the dinosaur is supposedly an actual model used during the filming of that movie, and the movie was written entirely around it), but thanks to a dedicated cast , intentionally ham-fisted acting (that legitimately makes it feel like a family film) as well as a meager run-time (90 minutes, which includes the roughly 10 minutes of gore footage excised from the original cut), it never overstays its welcome.

And even though the added violence is rather strong, none of it is disturbing, given the overall silly tone of everything that surrounds it. It would have been interesting to see just how its legacy would have fared here in the U.S. had they opted to release it in this original cut back in '94, rather than watering it down for mass consumption—it certainly couldn't have been forgotten any quicker than the PG-13 cut was—but at least those of us in the U.S. can finally see it the way it was meant to be seen. In this iteration, Tammy and the T-Rex is an entertaining, incredibly moronic yet self-aware film that's a strong reminder even stupid movies can be not just genuinely entertaining, but genuinely good. In the most ridiculous way possible.

RATING: 8.5/10

TRAILER

Better Watch Out (2016)

Director: Chris Peckover
Writer(s): Zack Kahn and Peckover, from a story by Kahn.
Starring: Olivia DeJonge, Levi Miller, Ed Oxenbould, and Aleks Mikic

There are an untold number of films that give away too much in the trailer. For example, a specific twist, or a key scene, or a bit of foreshadowing that, once you start watching the movie, makes everything come together and eliminates the need for you to actually sit through it. After all, studios make their money by putting people in theater seats, regardless of what they think of the film, and so they will do anything they can to put butts in the seats.

Along these same lines, there are films that are also intentionally mis-marketed and made into something that they aren't, often with disastrous results. For example, studio execs may decide to put an emphasis on action in a film that focuses more on dialogue and pacing, to make it seem more action-packed than it really is, and to appeal more to people who enjoy that kind of film. It's a deceiving tactic, but Hollywood isn't a world known for its honesty. Besides, once they get you to commit, and take your money, there's little you can do (besides ask for a refund, which is oddly something that very few people seem to ever do; thinking about it, I've never thought of doing it, and I've hated plenty of theatrical films that I've seen).

But rarely has the art of the trailer been so brilliantly subverted as it is in Chris Peckover's Better Watch Out, a film that intentionally prepares you for something that it's not. It's all just one layer of unpredictability in a film that gleefully subverts genre expectations to deliver a film that still delivers the promised dark comedy, albeit in a very unexpected manner. (Also, ignore the multiple reviews that claim the finale abandons humor in favor of seriousness; it doesn't, though the already dark comedy does find a darker shade of black.)

Olivia DeJonge plays Ashley, a teenaged babysitter who has been tasked with watching over 12-year-old Luke (excellently played by Levi Miller) while his parents go to a party. Judging from the interactions between the two, she has done this many times before, but this night is different; she will be moving out of the state in just a couple short weeks, and wanted to say goodbye to the family by babysitting Luke one final time.

But what should be an easy paycheck starts to go off the rails from the outset: her boyfriend Ricky keeps calling her, much to the chagrin of Luke, who plans on letting her know how he really feels by putting the moves on her. This becomes both of their smallest concerns when figures start appearing in the windows, and noises are heard outside. Soon after, an upstairs window breaks; a quick investigation reveals that the culprit is a brick featuring a pretty straightforward, but rather frightening warning--”U Leave, U Die”. Luke's friend Garrett tests this theory by losing his cool and running panicked out the backdoor—and that's when everyone learns that whoever is behind this means business. Are these the actions of a spurned ex-boyfriend? A jealous current boyfriend? Or something else entirely?

And that's also where I will drop you off on this plot guide, because to go any further would require me to reveal certain plot points that are an integral part of the viewing experience. In fact, do yourself a favor and go into a viewing of this knowing as little as possible, and that will severely heighten the chances that you appreciate the twists and turns; the countless zigs and the zags.

The strengths of Better Watch Out are numerous, ranging from the quality of the script, to the brilliant performances throughout. In the past it has always felt like horror films in general—from the big budget studio fare, all the way down to the indiest of indies—have always been treated as an afterthought, with B-grade (or worse) talent being shoved in front of and behind the cameras. Now, with the success of movies like the It remake, and Get Out bringing large quantities of cash and success to studios (who only care about the cash part), it seems that the genre is finally starting to be taken seriously as a whole, rather than just the catalyst of pointless fads (the non-stop onslaught of post-Scream slasher films; the non-stop onslaught of post-Blair Witch found footage films).

It also marks the first time in a long while that I wasn't turned off by a characters' actions. All of them act within their characterizations, with no one breaking character to do something incredibly dumb. Granted, much of this is cleverly avoided by keeping characters within confined areas (thus severely limiting the number of available actions to them in the first place), but that's also a testament to the tightness of the idea and ensuing execution. (The one moment that could be considered a convenient bit of horror ignorance actually turns out to be a perfectly calculated moment when the plot starts falling into place.)

Imagine my surprise when a quick search revealed that this was not the creation of an up-and-coming horror auteur, but rather a work of a man whose previous sole feature-length directing credit was 2010's indifferently-received found-footage thriller Undocumented, which seems like such a run-of-the-mill horror film that I never even bothered to watch it, despite being tempted numerous times in the past by the admittedly intriguing poster. I still won't, for fear that it will lead me to lose respect for the man, but it's also a sobering reminder that (sometimes) talent cannot be judged just from one or two works. (To wit, who would have ever expected that Peter Jackson, he of Dead/Alive and Meet the Feebles infamy, would go on to helm one of the most epic and widely-acclaimed trilogies in the history of film?)

The ending did wrap things up a little too nicely for my liking, but I suppose it will be a welcome diversion for most audiences, who I'm told do not appreciate endless bleakness and nihilism, especially in their Christmas stories (and for what it's worth, there is a coda after the credits that actually addresses the “kindness” of the ending). That's really the only drawback in a film that's otherwise strong in just about ever other category. It will be interesting to see how time treats this: it will no doubt be on the short list of Christmas-themed horror classics, that much is known, but I wouldn't be surprised to find it on the list of top horror films of the year, decade, or maybe even quarter-century.

RATING: 9/10

TRAILER

The Convent (2000)

Director: Mike Mendez
Writer(s): Chaton Anderson, from his own story.
Starring: Joanna Canton, Richard Trapp, Dax Miller, and Adrienne Barbeau

I first saw Mike Mendez's The Convent back in the early 2000s: For whatever reason, this one caught my eye amidst the sea of new releases that month, and I ended up really taking to the mix of obvious humor and over-the-top violence. But when I went to rewatch it again, over a decade later, I was taken aback at just how impossible it is to track down for quick viewing—you know when a movie can't even be pirated, it has pretty much fallen through the cracks. Add to that some very average to bad reviews, and I was expecting a major disappointment the second time around.

But as it turns out, I was right the first time. As much as I hate to say it for a myriad of reasons, this can best be summed up as “Evil Dead for the millennial generation”, with its boundless energy and inventive bloodshed frequently overshadowing its obvious low budget. Granted, many of the film's more “unique” ideas are lifted pretty much directly from other movies (the flashlight through the head strongly reminiscent of the lightbulb through the head in Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, the frantic POV shots resembling those from Evil Dead, the demon's look apparently modeled after Argento's Demons, the plot “inspired by” Night of the Demons), and I'm not suggesting it deserves to be revered in such a way that the Evil Dead series is, but it's done with such panache that it's still an enthralling ride.

Forty years in the past, a young woman marches right into a convent, lights everyone inside on fire, and then blasts them away with a shotgun to ensure none of them make it out alive. According to urban legend, this murder was carried out for no reason by a young girl named Christine; because of this, the abandoned location has become a stomping ground for junkies and other ne'er-do-wells who break into it to throw parties, or just to desecrate the memory of the dead in general.

Of course, we meet up with a group of people planning on doing the exact same thing, made up of complete self-aware stereotypes: There's the quarterback and the cheerleader (who wears her cheerleading outfit in a rather tired, but still kinda funny, joke), the misogynistic ladies man, the goth girl, the straight-A student, the frat boys, and the pledge (who is also the “straight-A student's” brother). All of them break into the building with the hopes of having a good time, but are forced to call it a night early when two cops (lead by a hilarious Coolio) break up the fun and send them all home.

Well, all of them except one: the goth girl, who is on probation and doesn't want a run-in with the cops to lead to an arrest. She hides out, leading the others to come back looking for her. What they find, is pure horror: A couple of wannabe Satanists (one of whom works at Dairy Queen) kill her as a sacrifice to Satan, thus infecting her with an evil spirit. As she kills the surviving members, they also turn into demons, forcing the dwindling number of humans to somehow stay alive. Until “straight-A student” has a plan...a plan that involves bringing Christine back to finish what she started 40 years prior...

It's all been done before, and better to boot, but there's no denying Mendez's skill or creativity. The monsters and blood, for example, are shot under blacklight, giving them a neon glow, while adding to the “rave”-like atmosphere. The demon transformations are sped-up, lending them a hyperkinetic feel that adds energy to the proceedings. This is a B-movie shot on a C-movie budget (or lower...can't find exact budget details anywhere, but it was clearly made on the cheap), yet it's to the credit of Mendez (and his crew) that it never feels cheap, a trap that's very easy to fall into as far as low budget horror is concerned.

I'm honestly baffled as to the poor reviews this film has received. Sure, it's no classic, and it does have a lot of flaws (threadbare plot, wildly uneven writing), but it's a lot of fun. And at a mere 79 minutes, it doesn't overstay its welcome. If you like movies in the same vein as Evil Dead, ones where you can just shut off your brain and take everything at face value, then this underrated, hard-to-find gem should be in your wheelhouse.

NOTE: Special thanks to streaming horror service Shudder for adding this title to their ever-growing library, making a film that was once tough to track down, much easier to find.

RATING: 6.5/10

TRAILER

WNUF Halloween Special (2013)

Director: Chris LaMartina (with commercials directed by James Branscome, Shawn Jones, Scott Maccubbin, Lonnie Martin, Matthew Menter, and Andy Schoeb)
Writer(s): LaMartina, Jimmy George, Pat Storck, and Michael Joseph Moran, based on a story by LaMartina, George, and Jamie Nash.
Starring: Paul Fahrenkopf, Aaron Henkin, Nicolette le Faye, and Leanna Chamish

There are few homages as exhausting and painstakingly recreated as Chris LaMartina's WNUF Halloween Special. Billed as a “spoof” of found footage horror films, it is instead a loving parody of '80s newscasts and commercials, all of which were shot on tape, and authentically faded (by making copies in the VCR; there are no digital effects) to resemble the same video quality of an old VHS tape.

This entire tape is purportedly a Halloween special that first aired on fictional broadcast station WNUF back on October 31st, 1987—in actuality, it is a film shot in 2013 on a mixture of VHS, SVHS, and DVCAM tape stocks, and then “bootlegged” three or four times in a VCR, thus reducing its quality even further. As both a child of the '80s, and someone who still has a VHS collection and a VCR, I can vouch for the uncanny accuracy of the project as a whole—it's clearly a labor of love by all involved.

The film's focus is on news reporter Frank Stewart, and his live journey into the Webber House, a long-abandoned home where Donald Webber murdered his own mom and dad with an ax twenty years prior. Due to the grisly nature of the killing, it has sat empty ever since, though there are many rumors swirling around that the house is haunted. The purpose of Frank's visit is to find out, once and for all, if there are some angry spirits still living inside...what he plans on doing to them if he finds them depends entirely on what outlandish thing he can think of that will get the most ratings.

But anyone expecting to get right down to the story will have to wait a little while: we start off with the WNUF TV28 Evening News, with (costume-clad) anchors Gavin Gordon and Deborah Merritt, as they run through Halloween-themed topics, local events, and even the weather, all while telling corny seasonal jokes. Richard Cutting and Leanna Chamish, who play the anchors, are perfect in both the looks, and delivery departments, adding yet another layer of believability to the whole affair.

In between each segment come the commercials, and they become a mainstay throughout this whole thing. I must say, though, that the commercial breaks eventually overrun the project; it is obvious that more time and consideration went into crafting these than anything else. There are twice as many commercials in this, than there would be in a legitimate news program from the same period, and so the actual segments are given no time to gain any steam before we cut away to more commercials. That's not to say that they get old, or drop in quality as it goes on, but just that it would have been nice if more time was spent on the actual story, which is a no-frills, bare bones affair.

Once we get through the newscast and make it to the actual special, it also moves on at a glacial pace, attempting to gain as many viewers and as much interest as possible. Reporter Frank Stewart stands outside the house, along with a live audience, and recites facts about the building (including the murders). He asks a couple audience participation questions, and after several minutes (and commercial interruptions), introduces all of his assistants: Louis and Claire Berger, two paranormal investigators (who are helped by Shadow, their black cat); Father Joseph Matheson, a Catholic priest; and his producer, Veronica Stanze, who is in the production van outside of the house, and can call for help if things get too intense.

It doesn't take long before they start hearing strange noises. Is it the ghost of the victims, haunting the site of their murders? Or perhaps their son, returning to the scene of the crime to add to his notoriety in front of a live camera crew? The death scenes are too hastily done to be impactful, and none of the noises are scary, especially since these moments have to stop-start over and over again because of the damn commercials. Unfortunately, this means the actual Halloween program—the whole point of the entire movie—is also the least engaging, thanks in large part to its rushed feel.

Whether or not you'll like WNUF really does kind of depend on your affinity for the movies, and video formats, of yesteryear. Anyone born in the mid-to-late '90s will probably be bored witless by the story, while the brilliance of the commercials will be completely lost on them. That brilliance only goes so far, though, as the film's over-reliance on them becomes more annoying as the minutes wear on, and as the tension of the titular event is (supposed to be) mounting. Given the right crowd, this could be a great “party movie” for an '80s themed party, and it definitely has the potential to be a cult film, especially if VHS makes a comeback (as all vintage things seem to do: see, audio cassettes). It's a one-note film that performs its one-note with admirable fervor and dedication, but what's missing is too substantial to make this anything more than a curiosity piece.

RATING: 6/10

TRAILER

Body Melt (1993)

Director: Philip Brophy
Writer(s): Philip Brophy and Rod Bishop, based on short stories by Brophy.
Starring: Gerard Kennedy, Andrew Daddo, Ian Smith, and Regina Gaigalas

When I was a teenager obsessed with films and filmmaking as an art form, I immediately fell in love with the early works of Peter Jackson. His devilish filmography featured puppets doing drugs and filming porno movies (Meet the Feebles), a zombie epic with a finale featuring dozens of zombies, a lawnmower, and gallons upon gallons of blood (Dead/Alive, aka Braindead), and his notorious alien film, which shot only on weekends, over the course of four years (Bad Taste). It was obvious even then, amongst the blood-strewn setpieces and over-the-top slapstick gore, that this man had loads of talent, and his gleeful ignorance of the mainstream made me appreciate him even more. This was a guy doing his own thing on his own terms, and so it never really came as a shock to me that he eventually went on to become an A-lister in Hollywood (okay, the level of his success did come as a huge shock).

Obviously, I wasn’t the only one taking notes, because here we have Phillip Brophy’s Body Melt, a film that exists only to blast the viewer with slimy, gooey special effects in the same vein as the master of slapstick grue. Brophy clearly doesn’t have as much talent as Jackson, but he still proves himself able enough to mix some graphic, tongue-in-cheek bloodshed, with enough comical scenes that this manages to be both entertaining and stupid in equal measures.

There really isn’t much plot to speak of, and what there is serves merely as an excuse to throw as many gruesome effects on the screen as possible: Vimuville, a vitamin company, singles out the residents of Pebbles Court, Homesville, to test out their new vitamin powder. Only, it’s not really a vitamin at all, but rather a vicious poison that causes rapid body deterioration. The residents find the packets in their mailbox, and eagerly try it out, unaware of its lethal properties. A man who works for Vimuville has a change of heart and attempts to warn the Pebbles Court residents of the fatal consequences, but he succumbs to the “disease” right before his arrival. As he is the only “good guy” in the entire thing, this leaves the door open for the townsfolk to melt away, one by one!

The residents are being “watched” by evil Vimuville execs, who are eager to get the product widely released. Now, I don’t know how long a vitamin that causes an agonizing slow death would be able to stay on the market, but that’s an example of something you’re just not supposed to do while watching Body Melt: think. Seriously, everything that happens is so pointless that by just using your brain, you’ve already used more resources than the writers did at any point. But who cares, because it’s all in the name of demented fun! I mean, it’s so stupid that even the executives end up taking Vimuville, in pill form, and melting themselves—what sense does that make? If anyone should know the unlimited evil of Vimuville, you would think it would be the people that they pay to monitor the deaths of unsuspecting test subjects. Buy hey, we get to see a couple more people die, so who cares?

Honestly, I’m surprised at the hate this movie has received, with even fans of bad horror movies chastising it for its terribleness. I mean, the typical “B-movie” stereotypes apply: the acting is pretty bad, the writing is pretty bad, and the threadbare plot is pretty stupid, but I thought the effects were above-average (given the clearly limited budget), and it’s all just so bizarre that it’s impossible to get bored or shut it off. It also knows not to overstay its welcome, clocking in at just under 80 minutes, which is the perfect amount of time for its limited…intelligence. But I have seen far, far worse. Maybe it just caught me in a good mood, but I thought it was competently shot, and given the budgetary limitations, well-made. I am apparently in the minority, but if you like your horror gooey and graphic, and if you don’t mind that it doesn’t even attempt to take itself seriously, then you should at least give this a fair shot.

RECAP: Unfairly maligned by just about everyone, Body Melt is an incredibly stupid horror film with barely any plot to speak of, but it also achieves a level of stupidity that only talent can reach. I thought the gooey special effects were well-done, it was competently shot, and the acting was tolerable for an independent horror feature. Best of all, there’s a freewheeling craziness that I loved—it never takes itself seriously for even a second, and there’s some legitimate humor to be found. If you ever wondered what a David Cronenberg movie would look like if he suddenly lost 100 IQ points, this is it.

RATING: 6/10

TRAILER