Writer(s): Feifer
Starring: Adrienne Frantz, Christy Carlson Romano, Gabrielle Stone, and Scott Anthony Leet
Teen pop sensation Adrienne Frantz is annoying, but also Kelly, a nurse who has been trying to have a baby with her overacting husband Jonathan. They're the perfect couple because you want to punch both of them in the face every time you see them, either alone, or together. Kelly is pregnant, and just so happens to be “in charge” of the nursery wing. So knowledgeable she is in her field—nursing, mind you—that she manages to override a doctor's suggestion to perform a C-section on a mother experiencing a breeched pregnancy, by turning the baby around in utero. Then, she has the gall to explain to him how he may have had many years of extra schooling, but her lack of schooling allowed her to gain actual experience in the field, and that's why she's so good at what she does. Holy fuck, I hate her and this movie already. (I know I'm putting too much thought into it, but in no hospital would a nurse ever get away with acting like that towards a doctor making a completely logical, routine decision.)
To speed this up, babies are being stolen from local hospitals, courtesy of a Russian woman named Svetlana, who takes her (apparently) teenaged child with her during her frequent hospital runs, where she dresses like a nurse, and is allowed to walk out with any newborn of her choosing. Okay...whatever. Svetlana is part of a ring of baby stealers, who ship newborns overseas, where families pay large amounts of money for American children. Her latest one, however, turned out to be sick, and couldn't be sold, which should probably lead us to assume it was killed, but that's too dark a thought for a movie like this, so all we're informed is that she's in hot water with her boss, and has to deliver another baby to make up for the crap one she just offered them.
Good God let's cut to the chase: Of course, it turns out to be Kelly's, who went into labor shortly after the “breech” ordeal. She teams up with a woman named Gloria whose baby was stolen years ago, and who goes around offering help to mothers of stolen children, because apparently it happens with great frequency. Together, the two must get to the bottom of an intricate network that surprisingly lacks any security whatsoever, while shouting lines like, “These babies are STOLEN!” with such added emphasis on the 'stolen' that she sounds like a petulant child screaming at her mother for not getting her way.
Oh, and Doctor Lee is one of the people behind the operation, because of course Kelly's “maternal instincts” have to be correct about everything, and she can't just not like someone without them actually being a bad guy. Fuuuuuck. I hate this movie.
This is a tough movie to rate, because it's a movie that has to be seen to be believed, but not a movie that you should ever see. On one hand, there are several moments of pure unintentional brilliance, some of which were so good that we had to rewind them to make sure we actually witnessed what we thought we witnessed; I haven't experienced a movie like this in a long time. But on the other, I can't recall hating a main character with such unbridled ferocity before that those two things pretty much cancel each other out, leaving nothing but a frequently maddening movie in its wake; one where most of the characters die, except for the two you want to the most. (And I'm referring to the wife and husband, not the baby; you just hope she goes to a better family.)
STRAY OBSERVATIONS (SPOILER ALERTS)
- After Svetlana is murdered, pay attention to how her daughter, who presumably is now going to be orphaned because her mother is all she had, is treated by both the paramedics—who say nothing to her as her dead mother's body is wheeled out—and the main characters, who literally just leave.
- Svetlana is so good at what she does, that the newborn babies never make a sound, even as they're being crammed into a duffel bag.
- Comedy gold: A scene where Gloria is driving a car, yet converses with Kelly without even looking at the road.
- Poor Adrienne Frantz actually seems to give the role all she has. It's got to be the first instance I can recall where that somehow made me hate her character even more.
- Can we ever have a movie where a mother can be a mother without rubbing in your face that she's a mother every five seconds?
- If the husband had more screen time, I think I literally would have ripped my own eyes out.
- I know things like this actually happen, but hearing the way the children are described in terms of “inventory” is actually hysterical, at least in the context of incompetence like this. Try not to laugh at lines like, “They haven't loaded the babies yet!” or “The babies are not toys!” or “No, don't ever name the babies!”
- On a serious note, Gabrielle Stone's performance as Svetlana is probably the most believable one in this whole mess, which is a shame since her character is a terrible, terrible person, and thus you hate her anyway.
- There's a twist, but who gives a shit?
- Adrienne Frantz released a horrible pop album in 2007.
TRAILER
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