CHRISTMAS CAPSULES: Christmas in Mississippi (2017)

Director: Emily Moss Wilson
Writer(s): Marcy Holland
Starring: Jana Kramer, Wes Brown, Faith Ford, and Trace Masters

I was just thinking about how this holiday season has been pretty good to us in terms of movie selection—Christmas Coupon notwithstanding—and so of course it was time to run into one that tests the limits of human patience like Christmas in Mississippi.

In this one, a photographer named Holly (Jana Kramer) goes back to her hometown for Christmas, several years after a horrific storm demolished most of it. She volunteers to help out with the town’s annual Christmas light show—the first time they will be doing it since that terrible hurricane. However, she has second thoughts when she learns her high school boyfriend is running the show…typical hijinx ensues. Oh, and this stupid bitch is also randomly looking for the owner of a stuffed reindeer she finds on a street, a plot point that is frequently forgotten about, at least by the audience, who will have a hard enough time handling the rest. Besides, who in the hell would care to find the owner of a random crusty-ass toy that they found in the middle of a busy street?!

This one blows, thanks to incredibly stupid characters who go around assuming everything (at one point, Holly nearly breaks apart a relationship because she completely makes up a story surrounding an innocent event); an annoying mom character (Faith Ford!) who tries hooking up her own daughter, yet is somehow completely oblivious to the fact a man from town (Richard Karn!) likes her; and an annoying kid character who can’t act, and is unfortunately a big part of the stupid story (“Oh, look how great Mike is for taking care of his brother’s child while he’s serving in the military!”). I mean seriously, I wanted to punch the kid in the face and throw him off a roof every time he appeared on screen.

It also commits the most foul of all offenses, at least as far as I’m concerned: I can’t stand it when they jam the perfection of the main character down your throat so far that you virtually choke, just so you understand how “special” and “selfless” they are. For example, when characters volunteer at soup kitchens, or help an elderly woman across the street, or visit sick kids at a hospital. Here, they do that with both characters, cramming all of their accomplishments and selflessness in your face every chance they get, as if the filmmakers couldn’t find any other way to naturally present two good-hearted people without rubbing your face in it. It's never cute: it's positively gag-inducing.

I gotta admit, Jana Kramer grew on me as the movie went on—she has a warm, attractive smile, and is the best actor in this whole mess—but her character was so stupidly written that I just couldn’t like her at all. This movie puts the “miss” in “Mississippi”, that’s for sure.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Wow, how romantic these two are, lugging the dumbass kid with them everywhere so he can ruin everyone’s mood.
• How is it so hard for actors to pretend to take drinks out of cups, or for propmasters to fill a cup with liquid? Pay close attention to cups in any of these movies, because usually they’re either empty, or characters won’t even accurately go through proper drinking motions.
• Also, dig that “milkshake” Mike makes for Holly, which literally comes out looking like chocolate milk. WHO’S IN CHARGE OF THESE GODDAMNED LIQUIDS ON SET?!
• Those are some depressing-ass photos to fill up a family diner with.
• Wow, Holly's a moron. Who agrees to hang out with someone the day they know they’re leaving, just to spare someone’s feelings? And if she cares about him so much, why didn’t she tell him the moment she found out?
• So glad you moved two tables out of the way so you could slow-dance in the same two-fucking-foot area.

OVERALL: 2.5/10

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MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: Caught (2015)

Director: Maggie Kiley
Writer(s): Marcy Holland
Starring: Anna Camp, Stefanie Scott, Sam Page, and Amelia Rose Blaire

I hated almost every single minute of Caught, a movie that seems to pride itself on gleefully missing the mark in every way imaginable. It’s as if the makers of this dreck took notes on how to make the perfect movie, and then reversed every single bit of advice; it’s not just a bad movie, it’s an infuriating one. It’s the kind that inspires new generations of filmmakers, by providing an example of how godawful a movie can be, yet still see wide release.

Amazingly, Caught’s problems don’t start with the plot, which could actually have been put to greater use in the hands of a more talented bunch: Sabrina (Anna Camp) discovers her husband, Justin, is having an affair with a high schooler (who’s eighteen, of course), and kidnaps said high schooler, keeping her tied and bound to a chair in the attic. Her plan is merely to keep her there for a day or two while her husband is away on business, scare some sense into her, torture her psychologically, and then let her go.

But things don’t always go according to plan.

As it turns out, of all times, Justin’s out-of-town business meeting was canceled, so he unexpectedly returns home to spend some quality time with his wife, and her sister, Paige. What he doesn’t know is that his teenage mistress is bound and gagged upstairs, and what started off as a simple prank will become a desperate fight for survival for everyone involved.

Doesn’t sound too shabby, does it? Unfortunately, it’s very, very shabby, playing its cards far too early, and far too often to offer any sort of tension. For example, Paige clearly regrets her role in the “prank” even when it’s still just a (fairly) innocuous joke—it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s going to happen when things quickly spiral out of control.

The mistress Allie, offers up no personality at all, besides looking sad and crying all the time; we’re merely supposed to cheer for her simply because she’s the damsel in distress. But the one flaw with that logic—and something the movie never really seems to take into account--is that she is far from an innocent victim being put in a situation outside of her control: she’s sleeping with a married man. And-- to my surprise, I must admit—no evidence is ever presented suggesting that she wasn’t aware he was married, nullifying that potential bit of admonishing information. In other words, she's just as guilty as everyone else.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the lone thing Caught has going for it is Anna Camp: arguably the least entertaining character in the Pitch Perfect series, she’s the only thing worth even the remotest of damns here, playing her role with an over-the-top zest that signals she's in on a joke that no one else realizes is being told. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when your movie forces people to cheer for the bad guy, that's not a good thing; when the supposed “heroine” is as bland as Allie is here, it’s even worse: I wanted her killed 30 minutes into the movie, a feeling that only grew and grew as time went on.

So boring is her character that, after suffering a leg injury, she spends the entire second half of the movie limping, crawling, and falling all over the place at a snail’s clip, treating each life-or-death scenario as a game of hide-and-seek with friends. Most people with a leg injury, who hear that they are going to be buried alive, would probably get a little pep in their step through adrenaline; not Allie, who struggles to get out of a bathtub and manages to crawl about three feet in an hour’s time. Dear Lord, girl: if you don’t have an intense desire to live, then why should anyone else want you to?

Sure, there are twists and turns, and near escapes, and near deaths, and a stupid mom who randomly saves the day, and all the other non-thrills required of thrillers, but it's all executed with the sincerity of a cast and crew who would rather be somewhere else.

A feeling that's contagious for the viewer.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS (POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD)

• How the hell does the husband know that the pregnancy test isn’t his wife’s? Sure, conception wasn’t supposed to be possible, but he seems to believe her when she tells him; yet after finding the positive test in her own dresser drawer, he automatically thinks she’s lying?
• Um…so this dumb kid is kidnapped and the first person she thinks to call isn’t her mother, or the police…but her 40-year-old boyfriend?
• Haha, this one delivers a twist in the whole “no cell phone service” trope by having a phone drop a signal in mid-call.
• So let me get this straight: Allie’s mom finds three possible houses with names that match the married man’s name, and somehow knows for a fact that the one on fire is the one her daughter’s in? Christ Jesus.
• Also, I hate that piece of shit mom. What kind of mother makes her 18 year old daughter work 7 days straight in a shitty restaurant just to pay the restaurant’s bills? It’s not her fault your restaurant sucks.
• Good to know the easiest way to wake someone up who has passed out from smoke inhalation is to just scream their name.
• If you’re looking for someone who’s hiding in an attic, a good method is to take a step into the attic, and then spin around in place once or twice. If you don’t see them, they’re not there.
• CLASSI C TROPE ALERT! Anna throws someone down a flight of stairs to kill them. This is probably the #1 cause of death in Lifetime movies, despite probably not even placing in the top 100 in real life.

ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10

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