Writer(s): Marcy Holland
Starring: Anna Camp, Stefanie Scott, Sam Page, and Amelia Rose Blaire
I hated almost every single minute of
Caught, a movie that seems to pride itself on gleefully
missing the mark in every way imaginable. It’s as if the makers of
this dreck took notes on how to make the perfect movie, and then
reversed every single bit of advice; it’s not just a bad movie,
it’s an infuriating one. It’s the kind that inspires new
generations of filmmakers, by providing an example of how godawful a
movie can be, yet still see wide release.
Amazingly, Caught’s problems
don’t start with the plot, which could actually have been put to
greater use in the hands of a more talented bunch: Sabrina (Anna
Camp) discovers her husband, Justin, is having an affair with a high
schooler (who’s eighteen, of course), and kidnaps said high
schooler, keeping her tied and bound to a chair in the attic. Her
plan is merely to keep her there for a day or two while her husband
is away on business, scare some sense into her, torture her
psychologically, and then let her go.
But things don’t always go according
to plan.
As it turns out, of all times, Justin’s
out-of-town business meeting was canceled, so he unexpectedly returns
home to spend some quality time with his wife, and her sister, Paige.
What he doesn’t know is that his teenage mistress is bound and
gagged upstairs, and what started off as a simple prank will become a
desperate fight for survival for everyone involved.
Doesn’t sound too shabby, does it?
Unfortunately, it’s very, very shabby, playing its cards far too
early, and far too often to offer any sort of tension. For example,
Paige clearly regrets her role in the “prank” even when it’s
still just a (fairly) innocuous joke—it doesn’t take a rocket
scientist to figure out what’s going to happen when things quickly
spiral out of control.
The mistress Allie, offers up no
personality at all, besides looking sad and crying all the time;
we’re merely supposed to cheer for her simply because she’s the
damsel in distress. But the one flaw with that logic—and something
the movie never really seems to take into account--is that she is far
from an innocent victim being put in a situation outside of her
control: she’s sleeping with a married man. And-- to my surprise, I
must admit—no evidence is ever presented suggesting that she wasn’t
aware he was married, nullifying that potential bit of admonishing
information. In other words, she's just as guilty as everyone else.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but
the lone thing Caught has going for it is Anna Camp: arguably
the least entertaining character in the Pitch Perfect series,
she’s the only thing worth even the remotest of damns here, playing
her role with an over-the-top zest that signals she's in on a joke
that no one else realizes is being told. I’ve said it before and
I’ll say it again: when your movie forces people to cheer for the
bad guy, that's not a good thing; when the supposed “heroine” is
as bland as Allie is here, it’s even worse: I wanted her killed 30
minutes into the movie, a feeling that only grew and grew as time
went on.
So boring is her character that, after
suffering a leg injury, she spends the entire second half of the
movie limping, crawling, and falling all over the place at a snail’s
clip, treating each life-or-death scenario as a game of hide-and-seek
with friends. Most people with a leg injury, who hear that they are
going to be buried alive, would probably get a little pep in their
step through adrenaline; not Allie, who struggles to get out of a
bathtub and manages to crawl about three feet in an hour’s time.
Dear Lord, girl: if you don’t have an intense desire to live, then
why should anyone else want you to?
Sure, there are twists and turns, and
near escapes, and near deaths, and a stupid mom who randomly saves
the day, and all the other non-thrills required of thrillers, but
it's all executed with the sincerity of a cast and crew who would
rather be somewhere else.
A feeling that's contagious for the
viewer.
STRAY OBSERVATIONS
(POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD)
- How the hell does the husband know that the pregnancy test isn’t his wife’s? Sure, conception wasn’t supposed to be possible, but he seems to believe her when she tells him; yet after finding the positive test in her own dresser drawer, he automatically thinks she’s lying?
- Um…so this dumb kid is kidnapped and the first person she thinks to call isn’t her mother, or the police…but her 40-year-old boyfriend?
- Haha, this one delivers a twist in the whole “no cell phone service” trope by having a phone drop a signal in mid-call.
- So let me get this straight: Allie’s mom finds three possible houses with names that match the married man’s name, and somehow knows for a fact that the one on fire is the one her daughter’s in? Christ Jesus.
- Also, I hate that piece of shit mom. What kind of mother makes her 18 year old daughter work 7 days straight in a shitty restaurant just to pay the restaurant’s bills? It’s not her fault your restaurant sucks.
- Good to know the easiest way to wake someone up who has passed out from smoke inhalation is to just scream their name.
- If you’re looking for someone who’s hiding in an attic, a good method is to take a step into the attic, and then spin around in place once or twice. If you don’t see them, they’re not there.
- CLASSI C TROPE ALERT! Anna throws someone down a flight of stairs to kill them. This is probably the #1 cause of death in Lifetime movies, despite probably not even placing in the top 100 in real life.
ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 2/10
TRAILER
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