MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: Country Christmas Album (2018)

Director: Danny Buday
Writer(s): Buday
Starring: Hannah Barefoot, Evan Gamble, Taylor Bedford, and Alexander Kane

There is a sinking feeling that I think every avid viewer of Hallmark or Lifetime movies can relate to: Checking the remaining duration, seeing there are precious few minutes left, and realizing there is still a key part of the story’s formula missing from the equation; because if there is one thing those kinds of movies can’t be bothered with, it’s altering their “tried-and-true” formula.

Country Christmas Album is, for the most part, a doofy-but-enjoyable romp through harmless romantic territory for most of its running time. Of course, it doesn’t do anything even remotely unique or even all that fascinating, but it’s carried along by the likeability of its cast. Then we run into the obligatory “fight”, and nearly all is lost.

Why do these B-grade studios feel the need to follow their formulas to a “T” every single time? I understand that’s what made them a “successful” (depending on how you quantify that) studio, but certainly something could be said for wandering off the beaten path once in a while. Especially when it involves a simple communication error that feels absolutely forced, and turns Tess from an enjoyable movie heroine to an ignorant, stone-cold bitch almost within a single scene.

Tess Stapleton is a country star whose time in the spotlight is running out. As a last ditch effort to save her career, she is forced by her label to record an album with Derek Copeland, a former boy-band member and teen heartthrob who could also use a career boost. It doesn’t take much imagination to figure out that the two of them—who on paper seem like complete opposites—start to develop feelings for one another.

Complicating matters for everyone involved is Tess’s ex-husband, another musician who stays with her in between touring on the road, and her pre-teen daughter Mazzy.

All is going well until the final twenty minutes, when one of Derek’s ex-bandmates gets on a radio show and voices interest in getting Derek to rejoin them for a reunion tour. They call him up, live on the air, to gauge his interest level. Half-asleep, he agrees to having a discussion with the band, but literally doesn’t commit to a single thing besides that. The next day with Tess, his record producer comes up to congratulate him on agreeing to tour with his old band, something that was never, ever set in stone.

Right here, all Derek has to do is explain that’s not at all what he said, but that’s too much of an effort. Because, you know, “communication” isn’t tops on the list of what makes long-term relationships work, by virtually all accounts, or anything. Instead, he just keeps his mouth shut, while Tess turns into a super-cunt, performing a complete 180-degree character turn from the rest of the movie and closing both Mazzy, and herself, off from Derek, believing him to be a bad guy because he supposedly chose music over his “family”.

Yes, of course they reconcile and we get the happy ending we all deserve (insert retching sounds here), but that's not the point. The point is the strict adherence to the formula, which always overrides common sense in these movies, and that undid a movie that, honestly, isn't otherwise all that bad, at least for what it is.

In fact, it showed resolve in avoiding another terrible cliché that was incredibly welcome: the jealous ex-husband. The formula for it—having the ex-husband stay with Tess and his daughter in between road trips—was there, and after Mazzy randomly invited Derek over for Thanksgiving dinner without anyone else's approval, I knew for sure that's where it was headed. But aside from an early-ish scene where he mutters “Jesus Christ” under his breath after Derek gives a particularly cheesy toast, he's actually very supportive of both. (Also a high point: Tess asks him “You don't like Derek, do you?” to which he laughs and replies, “No, but I don't have to.”) This is a nice change of pace from the norm, where this would be yet another obstacle for the two lovers to overcome.

The remaining characters, while still consisting of romance movie stereotypes, are likable enough to navigate the movie through ultra-familiar ground without being too overbearing or annoying, and the two leads are charming together.

But it's all of these qualities that make that obligatory fight scene all the more jarring, and that instantaneously takes Country Christmas Album from a charming movie, to yet another tone-deaf exercise in maddening formulaic frustration.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

-The hit “country” song that Tess and Derek write wouldn't even be “country” by today's ever-expanding standards.
-I hate kids in real life, but I think I hate kids in movies even more.
-Why does the radio DJ look like he's having a seizure every single time he talks? I can't tell if that was supposed to be a spoof of someone, or if it was just some of the worst overacting in movie history.
-Derek's hilarious (and serious) response to watching Tess sing an upbeat Christmas standard is that she's “soulful.”
-How out-of-touch with reality are these writers? At one point the DJ seems to be in awe of a song's mix of pop and country, acting like it's groundbreaking and original. Um...has he never listened to a modern country station before?
-Jason Burkey as Derek's brother—and constant source of moral guidance—is as charming here as he was as Lauren Alaina's boyfriend in Road Less Traveled, another country-themed MarVista production.

RATING: 4.5/10

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