Starring:
Anne Bobby as Off. Vicki Quinn
Barbara Bosson as Mayor Louise Plank
Vondie Curtis-Hall as Det. Warren Osborne
Ronny Cox as Chief Roger Kendrick
David Gianopoulos as Off. Andy Campo
Paul McCrane as Det. Bob McIntire
Larry Joshua as Capt. John Hollander
James McDaniel as Off. Franklin Rose
Ron McLarty as Ralph Ruskin
Mick Murray as Det. Joseph Gaines
Peter Onorati as Det. Vincent LaRusso
Written by: William M. Finkelstein and Toni Graphia and John Romano
Directed by: Fred Gerber
Well it has been two weeks since I forced myself to finish the last episode, and as much as I want to throw in the towel and call it quits on this ill-conceived series, I feel like I’ve come too far to fail. Actually, I don’t feel that way at all; I’m just going to continue trudging through it for literally no other reason than unbridled stupidity.
I also decided to actually take notes for this episode, which will help me to remember all the reasons this episode sucks, both the obvious ones, and the more subtle ones. I will be fair from the outset and state that, as bad as this episode is, I didn’t hate it. Sure, it has some pretty terrible moments, and the songs continue to be the most forgettable (and simultaneously unforgettable) part of the show, but “Three-Corpse Meal” at least has one of the series’ first legitimately humorous parts, and that certainly has to count for something.
It also has a lot of continuing plotlines, so strap yourselves in: First things first, LaRusso, the cop who murdered a known cop-killer that was re-released to the streets without so much as a slap on the wrist, was convicted of his murder. The judge sets the bail to $500,000 against the wishes of his defense attorney, and as LaRusso is being lead to his jail cell, he starts into a song about how he doesn’t fear anyone behind bars. I actually didn’t hate this song--a statement which, as far as this show goes, is becoming the new “like”--but the refrain of “you can’t keep a good man down” seems hilariously misguided. Is this merely how he sees himself, or are we supposed to be seeing him in that light, too? Yes, the fact he was convicted of this crime would never have happened, both in real life, and in every other cop show ever made, so just the fact he finds himself in this situation is pretty dumb. But the way he treats the people in his life (especially women), and the shady, reckless way in which he acts is pretty despicable, so I’ve actually been hating him from the outset. Oops. Anyway, to further this story so I don’t have to keep backtracking, his bail is considered unconstitutional, and is lowered to $10,000. His defense attorney’s partner, an attractive female, agrees to pay three-quarters of it, if he covers the rest using $2,500 he has stashed away. Of course, she has ulterior motives, which are obvious from the outset, and when he goes to thank her, they end up banging.
Our good friend Patti, the young drug-addicted mother who sold her baby for a measly $200 in the first episode, makes her long-awaited return! She asks Officer Vicki for help in getting her life, and then eventually, her baby back. I didn’t know that sellers on the black market kept such strict files on all of the babies they buy and sell that it would be possible to trace where her baby ended up, but I must be wrong. Must be so they can file taxes at the end of the year.
But just when “Cop Rock” heads toward a plot that might not actually be all that bad, we’re thrown a curveball: After Vicki agrees to help Patti, they have a sit-down meeting where Patti announces to all in attendance, including the Captain, that she sold her baby and wants to get her life back on track. Well, at the end of this seemingly amicable discussion, the Captain decides to have her booked for her part in getting rid of her child for monetary gain. When Vicki voices her displeasure, the Captain tells her she’s acting out of line, and refuses to listen to her. What a heartless piece of trash this guy is turning out to be! There’s also a song in here, but the less said about it, the better.
Vicki’s semi-fat, real old husband, the forensic expert named Ralph, also gets some screen-time. After hanging up the phone and looking sad (to which another officer strolls in, and completely without tongue-in-cheek, asks: “Is someone dying?”), we learn that his doctor has ordered him to lose 35 pounds, or suffer the consequence of death. Rather than this being a wake-up call, we just have to listen to him bitch about not being able to eat anything the rest of the time. (I will say that there is a legitimately funny sequence--the second of the entire series--when Ralph responds to a triple homicide at a restaurant, which leads to the title reference. It's obvious as hell, to the point that I knew it was going to happen well before it did, but both the setup and execution were done very well.)
Are you still with me? Oh good…I thought you had fallen asleep. In the next plot setup that’s so obvious there’s no real reason to watch this show, Vicki and her partner, Andy, go undercover to bust the guy that bought Patti’s baby. After suffering through a thoroughly-embarrassing song about how he’s a “baby merchant”, and that he always delivers on his promises, they eventually buy the baby and then he’s caught in a sting. Hmm…I wonder how this could effect the relationship between Vicki and Andy, having them pretend to be husband and wife. But just a reminder--she’s married to fat forensic expert Ralph. Will his refusal to change his life cause him to die, thus opening the door for Vicki to pursue her relationship with Andy without any resistance? Either way, you just know something’s going to happen between them. I’m also wondering if the baby they happened to purchase might be Patti’s child after all…
In the last bit, we finally see the mayor after her plastic surgery. I thought they would make a mockery of this storyline (well, moreso than they already have), and have some supermodel play her post-op, but it’s still the same actress, just with makeup removed to make her look like a normal person. She goes on a date with Chief Kendrick, though I’m unsure why he wanted to take her out before seeing her (as he’s waiting on her, he even mutters under her breath about how ugly she is), but once he sees her, he is immediately smitten. Their date ends on a positive note as she appreciates her newfound beauty in the mirror by singing a song that I honestly completely blocked out.
I think I've mentioned this before, but the show honestly could have been pretty good if it had just set some standards on the songwriting. For starters, there is no need for five songs per episode, which I believe has been the quota up through now. If the songs would have been used sparingly--say, maybe once or twice per show--then they could have focused on maintaining a high level of quality for each of them, while still being able to focus on the individual storylines. Since the songs are such the focal point, then the writers are pretty much forced to give us ridiculous novelty acts like the aforementioned "Baby Merchant".
Just from watching the above clip, you would assume that this show is in on the joke, and aware of the preposterousness of such a premise. Only, I'm not so sure. While there have certainly been attempts at humor in some episodes, they're usually limited to the occasional joke here and there, with the majority trying to deal with weighty issues and more mature themes. So that makes it infinitely tougher to tell what was going on through the minds of the writers when they were penning each song. No matter which way you look at it, it doesn't work for me, because that essentially leaves two options: Either these songs were intentionally meant to be over-the-top, which kind of takes away all of the impact when the show tries to be gritty and take on serious themes (like racism and gay rights in a later episode), or the writers were blissfully unaware they were taking their own songs into the realm of self-parody, at which case the above problem still applies. You can make jokes and still have a hard-hitting, powerful show; you cannot intentionally turn your show into a mockery of itself, and have the same outcome.
As an hour of episodic television, this episode was pretty bad, but by the impossibly low standards set by this show, it’s probably the best one yet. Whether it will build off of the small bit of momentum its conjured up has yet to be seen, and the plots seem to be heading in pretty predictable directions, but at least the thought of watching the next ep shouldn't fill me with such a mounting, and inescapable, feeling of dread.
EPISODE RATING: 4.5/10
Well it has been two weeks since I forced myself to finish the last episode, and as much as I want to throw in the towel and call it quits on this ill-conceived series, I feel like I’ve come too far to fail. Actually, I don’t feel that way at all; I’m just going to continue trudging through it for literally no other reason than unbridled stupidity.
I also decided to actually take notes for this episode, which will help me to remember all the reasons this episode sucks, both the obvious ones, and the more subtle ones. I will be fair from the outset and state that, as bad as this episode is, I didn’t hate it. Sure, it has some pretty terrible moments, and the songs continue to be the most forgettable (and simultaneously unforgettable) part of the show, but “Three-Corpse Meal” at least has one of the series’ first legitimately humorous parts, and that certainly has to count for something.
It also has a lot of continuing plotlines, so strap yourselves in: First things first, LaRusso, the cop who murdered a known cop-killer that was re-released to the streets without so much as a slap on the wrist, was convicted of his murder. The judge sets the bail to $500,000 against the wishes of his defense attorney, and as LaRusso is being lead to his jail cell, he starts into a song about how he doesn’t fear anyone behind bars. I actually didn’t hate this song--a statement which, as far as this show goes, is becoming the new “like”--but the refrain of “you can’t keep a good man down” seems hilariously misguided. Is this merely how he sees himself, or are we supposed to be seeing him in that light, too? Yes, the fact he was convicted of this crime would never have happened, both in real life, and in every other cop show ever made, so just the fact he finds himself in this situation is pretty dumb. But the way he treats the people in his life (especially women), and the shady, reckless way in which he acts is pretty despicable, so I’ve actually been hating him from the outset. Oops. Anyway, to further this story so I don’t have to keep backtracking, his bail is considered unconstitutional, and is lowered to $10,000. His defense attorney’s partner, an attractive female, agrees to pay three-quarters of it, if he covers the rest using $2,500 he has stashed away. Of course, she has ulterior motives, which are obvious from the outset, and when he goes to thank her, they end up banging.
SONG: YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN
Our good friend Patti, the young drug-addicted mother who sold her baby for a measly $200 in the first episode, makes her long-awaited return! She asks Officer Vicki for help in getting her life, and then eventually, her baby back. I didn’t know that sellers on the black market kept such strict files on all of the babies they buy and sell that it would be possible to trace where her baby ended up, but I must be wrong. Must be so they can file taxes at the end of the year.
But just when “Cop Rock” heads toward a plot that might not actually be all that bad, we’re thrown a curveball: After Vicki agrees to help Patti, they have a sit-down meeting where Patti announces to all in attendance, including the Captain, that she sold her baby and wants to get her life back on track. Well, at the end of this seemingly amicable discussion, the Captain decides to have her booked for her part in getting rid of her child for monetary gain. When Vicki voices her displeasure, the Captain tells her she’s acting out of line, and refuses to listen to her. What a heartless piece of trash this guy is turning out to be! There’s also a song in here, but the less said about it, the better.
Vicki’s semi-fat, real old husband, the forensic expert named Ralph, also gets some screen-time. After hanging up the phone and looking sad (to which another officer strolls in, and completely without tongue-in-cheek, asks: “Is someone dying?”), we learn that his doctor has ordered him to lose 35 pounds, or suffer the consequence of death. Rather than this being a wake-up call, we just have to listen to him bitch about not being able to eat anything the rest of the time. (I will say that there is a legitimately funny sequence--the second of the entire series--when Ralph responds to a triple homicide at a restaurant, which leads to the title reference. It's obvious as hell, to the point that I knew it was going to happen well before it did, but both the setup and execution were done very well.)
Are you still with me? Oh good…I thought you had fallen asleep. In the next plot setup that’s so obvious there’s no real reason to watch this show, Vicki and her partner, Andy, go undercover to bust the guy that bought Patti’s baby. After suffering through a thoroughly-embarrassing song about how he’s a “baby merchant”, and that he always delivers on his promises, they eventually buy the baby and then he’s caught in a sting. Hmm…I wonder how this could effect the relationship between Vicki and Andy, having them pretend to be husband and wife. But just a reminder--she’s married to fat forensic expert Ralph. Will his refusal to change his life cause him to die, thus opening the door for Vicki to pursue her relationship with Andy without any resistance? Either way, you just know something’s going to happen between them. I’m also wondering if the baby they happened to purchase might be Patti’s child after all…
In the last bit, we finally see the mayor after her plastic surgery. I thought they would make a mockery of this storyline (well, moreso than they already have), and have some supermodel play her post-op, but it’s still the same actress, just with makeup removed to make her look like a normal person. She goes on a date with Chief Kendrick, though I’m unsure why he wanted to take her out before seeing her (as he’s waiting on her, he even mutters under her breath about how ugly she is), but once he sees her, he is immediately smitten. Their date ends on a positive note as she appreciates her newfound beauty in the mirror by singing a song that I honestly completely blocked out.
I think I've mentioned this before, but the show honestly could have been pretty good if it had just set some standards on the songwriting. For starters, there is no need for five songs per episode, which I believe has been the quota up through now. If the songs would have been used sparingly--say, maybe once or twice per show--then they could have focused on maintaining a high level of quality for each of them, while still being able to focus on the individual storylines. Since the songs are such the focal point, then the writers are pretty much forced to give us ridiculous novelty acts like the aforementioned "Baby Merchant".
"BABY MERCHANT"
Just from watching the above clip, you would assume that this show is in on the joke, and aware of the preposterousness of such a premise. Only, I'm not so sure. While there have certainly been attempts at humor in some episodes, they're usually limited to the occasional joke here and there, with the majority trying to deal with weighty issues and more mature themes. So that makes it infinitely tougher to tell what was going on through the minds of the writers when they were penning each song. No matter which way you look at it, it doesn't work for me, because that essentially leaves two options: Either these songs were intentionally meant to be over-the-top, which kind of takes away all of the impact when the show tries to be gritty and take on serious themes (like racism and gay rights in a later episode), or the writers were blissfully unaware they were taking their own songs into the realm of self-parody, at which case the above problem still applies. You can make jokes and still have a hard-hitting, powerful show; you cannot intentionally turn your show into a mockery of itself, and have the same outcome.
As an hour of episodic television, this episode was pretty bad, but by the impossibly low standards set by this show, it’s probably the best one yet. Whether it will build off of the small bit of momentum its conjured up has yet to be seen, and the plots seem to be heading in pretty predictable directions, but at least the thought of watching the next ep shouldn't fill me with such a mounting, and inescapable, feeling of dread.
EPISODE RATING: 4.5/10
FULL EPISODE
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