Writer(s): Oren Peli, Carey and Shane Van Dyke; from a story by Peli
Starring: Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Dimitri Diatchenko, Olivia Taylor Dudley, and Jesse McCartney (!)
Chernobyl Diaries is the kind of movie where “I didn’t
hate it” is just about the highest praise it can muster. It’s the kind of movie made to blend in with
the rest, rather than stand out; a movie made, like many Hollywood
films, simply to earn money at the box office so everyone involved, from the
studio on down to the specific personnel, can continue to churn out movies like
this, ad infinitum, for their entire existences. Take Oren Peli, for example, director of the
(admittedly) fantastic Paranormal Activity, whose name is linked to this as a
writer, and no doubt a big reason why this movie was made in the first place. He’s pigeonholed now, and once he stops
making these kinds of movies, chances are great that his Hollywood
career will be over.
But you know what? I
didn’t hate this movie. I didn’t really
like it, either, but that’s a little beside the point. The biggest disappointment, and one I can’t
say for most of the dozens of horror movies that pass through multiplexes every
year, is that no one involved thought to try anything new. This is usually the case in Hollywood, where a by-the-numbers experience
is what maximizes profits, but there's wasted opportunity here. The saddest part of this whole affair isn’t necessarily
what’s on the screen, but what could have been; there was a good movie in here
somewhere, and with just a little tweaking, it really could have been something
special. Instead, it ends up being your
typical exercise in jump scares over true fear.
Jesse McCartney (yes, THAT Jesse McCartney) plays Chris, an
American who, along with his girlfriend Natalie, and single friend Amanda,
visit Chris’s brother, Paul, in Ukraine. The plan is for all of them to head to Moscow, where Chris
reveals to his brother that he will propose to Natalie. In true horror fashion, Paul casts his
brother’s happiness aside and tosses out a proposal of his own: That they meet up with an “extreme tour
guide” and go to Chernobyl
instead, the site of a terrible nuclear accident in the mid ‘80s. Everyone, well mainly Chris, is skeptical at
first. But as Amanda warms up to the
idea, so too does everyone else, and before you know it, they are meeting up
with Uri (the extreme tour guide) in his office and planning a trip there. In the office, they are joined by Zoe, and
her boyfriend Michael, allowing the movie to off a couple more people.
To fast-forward to the good parts, they end up sneaking in
(even though the main entrance is closely guarded, and their entrance is
refused, as the site is “under maintenance”) with the idea to spend a couple
hours there, then head out by nightfall.
But in true horror fashion, their van won’t start (someone, or
something, has cut the van’s wires) and so they are stuck there overnight. Uri and Chris decide to go for help, and are
promptly attacked, at which point everyone realizes what anyone who has seen
the trailer knew all along: That they
are not alone. Conveniently, and true to
horror fashion, they are out of radio signal, no one apparently brought their
cell phones, and since Uri is an “extreme tour guide” (their words, not mine)
who works alone, no one else knows they are out there. Blah blah blah, you know the rest.
What Chernobyl Diaries almost manages to get right is the
gradual reveal of their true protagonists:
At first, large packs of German Shepherds seem to be their main
combatants, as Uri and Chris (who survives) show signs of being attacked by
animals, and several of the other survivors see packs wandering through the
site. As they get deeper and deeper, we
find out that the dogs are the least of their concerns. By this time, we’re well past the midway
point of the movie, and we have only glimpsed one inhuman mutant from a
distance. And as we all know, the most
effective horror movies are the ones that leave most to the imagination of the
viewer, and this is one that could have built up some tension by leaving them
confined to the shadows.
Then it’s as if the filmmakers think they’re doing us a disservice
by attempting to build suspense, and finally reveal one. Then another. Then a whole slew of them. And with that decision, also goes the movie;
nothing is left to the imagination, and the potential for scares is completely
thrown out the window. Then the movie
ends on a completely stupid note, in which characters ignore a Geiger counter
that is warning them of increased radioactivity, and continue trekking in that
direction anyway. Clearly by now, it’s
apparent the movie thinks we’re stupid enough to buy anything, and underestimating
your audience is the worst thing a movie can do.
The acting is average, though the appearance of Jesse
McCartney is hilarious. My first memory
of him was visiting a Sbarro’s pizza chain in my local mall (in my defense, I was
a teenager at the time), and receiving a CD with his breakout hit “Beautiful
Soul” on the lid of my soda (literally...there were a series of CDs they handed
out of different artists in this way, under the moniker “LidRock”). I might have listened to it once before
throwing it away, but the awkward promotional attempt has always stuck with me;
seeing him in this movie was a sobering reminder of just how far people can
fall in a relatively short amount of time.
And so I’ll admit that my wife and I spent a good chunk of the film’s
relatively boring first act ad-libbing lines of dialogue from his own personal
perspective (i.e. “Don’t you guys recognize me?
I’m Jesse McCartney!”) It at
least kept us entertained; as it turned out, it would be the peak of our
excitement.
Another depressing fall on display here is how someone can
go from creating a minor masterpiece like Paranormal Activity (which I will
review at some point; I saw it WELL before all the hype destroyed it, going
into the screening knowing very little) to one so devoid of any creativity
whatsoever. I guess I shouldn’t be so
shocked—the Hollywood machine has a long history of dumbing down creativity—but
to see Peli’s name on this was another, albeit totally different kind of,
sobering reminder of just how far people can fall in a very short amount of
time.
RECAP: A typical horror movie, but one that with a couple of
tweaks, actually could have been something special. Several people take a tour of Chernobyl, and things do
not go as planned. Yawn. Not nearly as bad as it could have been, but
also not good.
SCORE: 4.5/10
TRAILER
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