Cold Prey (2006)

Director: Roar Uthaug
Writer(s): Uthaug, Thomas Moldestad, and Martin Sundland, from an idea by Jan Eirik Langoen and Magne Lyngner
Starring: Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Rolf Kristian Larsen, Tomas Alf Larsen, and Endre Martin Midtstigen

It usually takes some kind of unique angle for me to be interested in a slasher film. For example, I was interested in Sleepaway Camp because of the non-stop discussion of its ending; I was interested in Halloween because of its supposed influence on the entire subgenre; Twitch of the Death Nerve captured my attention first for its amazing name (one of the all-time greatest horror movie titles in history, though it's better known under the much blander Bay of Blood), then as its standing as one of the first such movies ever made; and the list goes on and on. The idea of a masked stalker offing oversexed campers doesn't interest me, so I tend to avoid the carbon copy clones that have nothing new to offer, but if it can put a unique spin on a tired formula, I'll give it a shot.

And that is how I was drawn in to Cold Prey (Fritt Vilt), a 2006 Norwegian body count film that, according to a streaming service that I subscribe to, “plays with audience expectations, serving up an icy, unpredictable thriller...”. Okay, well it's a little vague in how it avoids typical slasher cliches, but I had heard similar things from other sites and went with the majority. And I kind of liked how no one mentioned what set it apart from other slasher entries, because that would leave more surprises for me to discover on my own.

At least that's what I was thinking going in; as it turns out, the only surprise is just how formulaic and worthless this movie is. It's terrible. Well, it's technically not terrible, because it's competently shot and adequately produced, but it's godawful in how uninspired it turned out to be; show me anyone who calls this “unpredictable”, and I'll show you someone who has seen fewer than five horror movies in their lifetime.

Stop me when you hear something original: Five friends (two sets of heterosexual couples, and a nerdy ginger who's single and provides comedic relief), plan to go snowboarding in the mountains of Norway. But these seasoned vets are too cool for a standard, open resort, and decide to go to an abandoned one, where 110 skiers have gone missing throughout the years. One-hundred and ten. And the city hasn't moved to investigate it, or demolish it.

We're treated to a hilariously cheesy montage of the group having fun all alone on the slopes, but that suddenly comes to an end when stupid Morten has to break his leg. And of course, we're not just talking hairline fracture—no, we're talking a mobility-destroying compound one, bone through the skin and all. Ouch. Hope he's not going to have to run away from any masked serial killers anytime soon! At the very least, I hope he gets killed first so that he's not hindering any able-bodied people from getting out safely! Oh-for-two.

You know what? It's not even worth me spending any extra time on the plot. All I will say is, after a pretty impressive opening death, the rest are terribly boring. And there are still the required “fake scares”, like the scene where a crimson substance is leaking under a door, but as it turns out, it's just from a can that idiot Morten was trying to open when he lost his balance and fell. My wife called that one, so we can throw that “unpredictability” bullshit right on out the window.

I'll just ruin the rest for you, too, lest you think you're getting into something special, so stop now if you don't want to know what happens next: The main girl survives, and kills the killer, who was a boy buried alive in a snowy pit by his own parents. So let's see, we have the lone girl survivor, and a man who “haunts” the area where he was killed, by killing everyone that goes near his “home”...hmmm, not ringing a bell at all. Everyone else is killed in increasingly boring ways—there's not much in the way of spurting blood, and even the aftermath shots are very weak. In other words, it has nothing to offer you, so why bother?

If you need a “plus”, it was competently made: shots are set up properly, the video quality is professional, and it's obvious that some care went into its creation. It's just a shame that none of that same attention-to-detail went toward the screenwriting process, or toward a fascinating visual style—it's shot as if from the memorized notes of a recently-graduated filmmaking student desperately trying to make a film “by the book”. For the sake of full disclosure, I will say that the copy I saw was dubbed in English, which admittedly made the experience even worse—but come on, a bad movie is a bad movie, no matter how it's presented, or what language it's in. It would still be just as cliched in its native Norwegian.

If you have the patience of a saint, and a fetish for self-inflicted punishment, then step right up: Cold Prey is waiting!

RATING: 2.5/10

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Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Director: Brad(ley) Parker
Writer(s): Oren Peli, Carey and Shane Van Dyke; from a story by Peli
Starring: Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Dimitri Diatchenko, Olivia Taylor Dudley, and Jesse McCartney (!)

Chernobyl Diaries is the kind of movie where “I didn’t hate it” is just about the highest praise it can muster.  It’s the kind of movie made to blend in with the rest, rather than stand out; a movie made, like many Hollywood films, simply to earn money at the box office so everyone involved, from the studio on down to the specific personnel, can continue to churn out movies like this, ad infinitum, for their entire existences.  Take Oren Peli, for example, director of the (admittedly) fantastic Paranormal Activity, whose name is linked to this as a writer, and no doubt a big reason why this movie was made in the first place.  He’s pigeonholed now, and once he stops making these kinds of movies, chances are great that his Hollywood career will be over.

But you know what?  I didn’t hate this movie.  I didn’t really like it, either, but that’s a little beside the point.  The biggest disappointment, and one I can’t say for most of the dozens of horror movies that pass through multiplexes every year, is that no one involved thought to try anything new.  This is usually the case in Hollywood, where a by-the-numbers experience is what maximizes profits, but there's wasted opportunity here.  The saddest part of this whole affair isn’t necessarily what’s on the screen, but what could have been; there was a good movie in here somewhere, and with just a little tweaking, it really could have been something special.  Instead, it ends up being your typical exercise in jump scares over true fear.

Jesse McCartney (yes, THAT Jesse McCartney) plays Chris, an American who, along with his girlfriend Natalie, and single friend Amanda, visit Chris’s brother, Paul, in Ukraine.  The plan is for all of them to head to Moscow, where Chris reveals to his brother that he will propose to Natalie.  In true horror fashion, Paul casts his brother’s happiness aside and tosses out a proposal of his own:  That they meet up with an “extreme tour guide” and go to Chernobyl instead, the site of a terrible nuclear accident in the mid ‘80s.  Everyone, well mainly Chris, is skeptical at first.  But as Amanda warms up to the idea, so too does everyone else, and before you know it, they are meeting up with Uri (the extreme tour guide) in his office and planning a trip there.  In the office, they are joined by Zoe, and her boyfriend Michael, allowing the movie to off a couple more people.

To fast-forward to the good parts, they end up sneaking in (even though the main entrance is closely guarded, and their entrance is refused, as the site is “under maintenance”) with the idea to spend a couple hours there, then head out by nightfall.  But in true horror fashion, their van won’t start (someone, or something, has cut the van’s wires) and so they are stuck there overnight.  Uri and Chris decide to go for help, and are promptly attacked, at which point everyone realizes what anyone who has seen the trailer knew all along:  That they are not alone.  Conveniently, and true to horror fashion, they are out of radio signal, no one apparently brought their cell phones, and since Uri is an “extreme tour guide” (their words, not mine) who works alone, no one else knows they are out there.  Blah blah blah, you know the rest.

What Chernobyl Diaries almost manages to get right is the gradual reveal of their true protagonists:  At first, large packs of German Shepherds seem to be their main combatants, as Uri and Chris (who survives) show signs of being attacked by animals, and several of the other survivors see packs wandering through the site.  As they get deeper and deeper, we find out that the dogs are the least of their concerns.  By this time, we’re well past the midway point of the movie, and we have only glimpsed one inhuman mutant from a distance.  And as we all know, the most effective horror movies are the ones that leave most to the imagination of the viewer, and this is one that could have built up some tension by leaving them confined to the shadows.

Then it’s as if the filmmakers think they’re doing us a disservice by attempting to build suspense, and finally reveal one. Then another.  Then a whole slew of them.  And with that decision, also goes the movie; nothing is left to the imagination, and the potential for scares is completely thrown out the window.  Then the movie ends on a completely stupid note, in which characters ignore a Geiger counter that is warning them of increased radioactivity, and continue trekking in that direction anyway.  Clearly by now, it’s apparent the movie thinks we’re stupid enough to buy anything, and underestimating your audience is the worst thing a movie can do.

The acting is average, though the appearance of Jesse McCartney is hilarious.  My first memory of him was visiting a Sbarro’s pizza chain in my local mall (in my defense, I was a teenager at the time), and receiving a CD with his breakout hit “Beautiful Soul” on the lid of my soda (literally...there were a series of CDs they handed out of different artists in this way, under the moniker “LidRock”).   I might have listened to it once before throwing it away, but the awkward promotional attempt has always stuck with me; seeing him in this movie was a sobering reminder of just how far people can fall in a relatively short amount of time.  And so I’ll admit that my wife and I spent a good chunk of the film’s relatively boring first act ad-libbing lines of dialogue from his own personal perspective (i.e. “Don’t you guys recognize me?  I’m Jesse McCartney!”)  It at least kept us entertained; as it turned out, it would be the peak of our excitement.

Another depressing fall on display here is how someone can go from creating a minor masterpiece like Paranormal Activity (which I will review at some point; I saw it WELL before all the hype destroyed it, going into the screening knowing very little) to one so devoid of any creativity whatsoever.  I guess I shouldn’t be so shocked—the Hollywood machine has a long history of dumbing down creativity—but to see Peli’s name on this was another, albeit totally different kind of, sobering reminder of just how far people can fall in a very short amount of time.

RECAP: A typical horror movie, but one that with a couple of tweaks, actually could have been something special.  Several people take a tour of Chernobyl, and things do not go as planned.  Yawn.  Not nearly as bad as it could have been, but also not good.

SCORE: 4.5/10

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