Night Teeth (2021)

Director: Adam Randall
Writer(s): Brent Dillon
Starring: Jorge Lendeborg Jr., Debby Ryan, Lucy Fry and Raul Castillo

Boy, Debby Ryan must really be desperate to shed her former Disney-star image: First, she starred in the TV-MA rated TV series “Insatiable” as a wannabe beauty pageant contestant who’s taken under the wing of a former lawyer-turned-pageant-coach. Sure, the series was more on the comedic side, but there was certainly more raunchiness than one would expect out of a former child/teen star.

Also one who might still feel in need of an image-shedding is Lucy Fry, who got her start in shows like “Alien Surf Girls” and the endearingly awful “Mako Mermaids” before moving on to more adult fare like “Wolf Creek”. Still, it would be believable that a child who entered the limelight at a young age might feel as though that shadow is following them around, ready to pigeonhole or sideline them at any time. It's no wonder many end up trying to shed that "goody two shoes" image.

Well, the two have teamed up as vampires in the Netflix-original Night Teeth, which actually bares the slightly less-adult TV-14 rating. But don’t let that rating fool you: while there’s barely any blood, and no real sexual situations to speak of, there’s a lot of adult language, which singlehandedly should have been enough to push it into TV-MA territory. Can they help pull this Netflix-produced film up from the realm of mediocrity? 

Benny is a wannabe music producer who lives at home with his grandma. He seems to have big dreams, but without the motivation to follow up on them (I know his plight all too well). His older brother, Jay, stops home for a visit; he runs what appears to be an Uber-style business, offering rides to upscale clients. One of his workers has called in sick, putting a scheduled ride in jeopardy. Benny offers to fill the role. At first, his brother is hesitant, but eventually relents.

His task appears to be simple: drive two girls around for an entire night. Jay lays out the ground rules: don’t talk to them, leave them alone, and then collect what should be a big tip at the end. It sounds easy enough, but as we know from watching one too many horror movies, it can never be that simple. As it turns out, the two girls are Blaire and Zoe (Ryan and Fry, respectively), two girls who request Benny to drive them to a series of parties. All he has to do is wait in the car for them, and drive on to the next one. Still sounds pretty easy, right? Well, of course it doesn’t quite go down that way - especially not after he learns his two ride companions are vampires looking to overthrow an evil leader, and Benny’s own brother is a vampire hunter who wants to exterminate them all.

Night Teeth is competently made, which of course is to be expected given that it’s a Netflix production. It has plenty of style, a likable cast, and is imbued with a generous helping of humor, most of which actually manages to be more funny than annoying. The problem is that it’s enveloped in such an unengaging story that somehow manages to be both too basic, and too complex, for its own good. In other words, there’s a pretty straightforward path from point A to point B, but it takes the scenic route, throwing in unnecessary characters and plot twists until it almost becomes confusing. 

Of course, confusing plots can be a plus, but not in the type of movie where it’s all clearly just supposed to be mindless fun. And, it's not good in a movie with so little payoff besides the happy ending that we could all see coming from a mile away (mild spoiler alert, I guess, but you can't say you didn't already expect it).

Then there’s all the obligatory plot devices: the romance that blooms between Blaire and Benny; the showdown with the final boss; the random inclusion of Megan Fox in a teeny, pointless role; it all plays out in completely predictable fashion over the course of its bloated 107 minutes. 

Aside from the cast, and the stylish visuals, there’s really not much here to recommend; it’s especially not worth sitting down and completely investing your time in it. But if you’re just looking for a Halloween movie to throw on while you carve pumpkins, or bake Halloween cookies - something you can just pop in and check on from time-to-time - then this is as good a background movie as you’re going to find. You might get a little confused by the plot, but trust me: you’re not missing anything.

RATING: 5/10

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