There's Someone Inside Your House (2021)

Director: Patrick Brice
Writer(s): Henry Gayden, from a novel by Stephanie Perkins
Starring: Sydney Park, Theodore Pellerin, Asjha Cooper, and Dale Whibley

If there is one thing my 37 years on this earth has taught me, it's that there's nothing worse than a horror movie with no characters to root for. Or maybe it’s that the worst thing in a slasher film is a tired explanation of the killer and their motivation for killing. Or maybe it’s a movie where all the characters are so dumb they might be considered “clinically retarded”. So, which one is it? It doesn’t matter, because There’s Someone Inside Your House has all three.

The foundation of There’s Someone Inside Your House is a bland “by-the-numbers” plot that you’ve seen before: someone is killing high school students who harbor deep, dark secrets. Okay, well, that’s basic, but with every simple idea comes a lot of wiggle room for writers to improvise and make it their own. I mean look at all the classic films of any genre: chances are they took an existing, familiar plot, but eschewed expectations by delivering a dash of originality.

So, what are the unique twists that There’s Someone Inside Your House adds to the tired formula? Absolutely nothing. That’s literally the entire plot. The individual plights of the characters are the only things that are filled in (and even they feel contrived and pointless).

It all centers on Makana, a girl who’s running away from her past and trying to move on after a terrible incident at a previous school. She moves to a different state with her “gam” (grandma), changes her last name to her mother’s maiden name, and hopes for a fresh start. Despite this, she knows that her secret - and the truth - could be revealed with a simple Google search…aaaah, the joys of the internet.

Meanwhile, several other classmates around her are being killed off, one-by-one, each one protecting an incident that they don’t want anyone else to know about. During most kills, the killer sends out texts to the entire student body (who all seem to have their phones in their hands at all times) showing the reasons that person is being targeted. Then, they swoop in and finish off their victim, who somehow always ends up alone no matter how many other people were around them just a few seconds prior. It’s lazy writing at its laziest.

Anyway, Makana knows that her time is coming, but how can she escape the grasp of a killer hellbent on destroying her? And just who is the person committing these heinous acts of terror? Is it Ollie, the creepy boy that everyone assumes is a sociopath, yet with whom Makana is having a fling? Is it someone in her close-knit group of mismatched friends? Is it one of many other people who are made to look suspicious at one point or another? Really, in the end, it doesn’t matter, because the vast majority of viewers will probably turn it off before making it that far.

The only genuinely unique twist is that the killer prints off masks of its victims (I’m trying to avoid eliminating suspects based on gender), which they use while killing. The idea that the last thing a person sees before dying is their own face is the stuff nightmares are made of. While it is a cool addition, it still feels wasted here, because the filmmakers seem unwilling to flesh it out any further; the idea that it’s caught in a horror film with comedic aspects also eliminates some of the genuine terror that could have been derived from such an idea.  

At the end of the day, all we’re left with is a movie that aspires to be just that: a movie. It exists only because Netflix is willing to throw large amounts of money at seemingly any idea that they feel can build (or at least maintain) their subscriber base. Maybe that’s what’s most frustrating of all: In all their virtually endless resources, they have the power to put unique, boundary-pushing films on their platform, giving a voice to talented filmmakers who would otherwise go unnoticed in the hustle and bustle of Hollywood. They can do whatever they want…and this is the type of project that they see potential in? Someone looked at this script and thought they had a winner on their hands?

God help us all.

RATING: 2/10.

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