MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: The Art of Murder (aka Paint by Murder) (2018)

Director: Alex Merkin
Writer(s): Travis Betz and Blaine Chiappetta
Starring: Alexxis Lemire, Mercer Boffey, Jordi Vilasuso, and Mark Krenik

At the risk of sounding snobbish, I would venture to say that much of the media we consume on a daily basis is meant to be forgotten. We watch the news, are bombarded with dozens upon dozens of stories (most of them probably depressing) and by the end, how many of them do you honestly remember or take to heart? Probably not many. We get online and are bombarded with ad after ad, or spend hours watching YouTube videos, and how many of those honestly have a positive effect on us long after we view them? Probably...well...none. For most “content creators”, the entire point of making content is to make money: they create a video or something else they can monetize, people watch it, and the more views it gets, the more they make. Aside from repeat views, there are no bonuses for making truly lasting emotional content, and so much of the drivel we are subjected to is “single serve” content, meant to be consumed instantly, then forgotten about: whether or not you enjoyed it doesn't matter.

Although The Art of Murder (aka the laughable Paint by Murder) was made by a studio as opposed to a social media star, the end result still feels the same: an instantly-forgetting “thriller” whose sole redeeming quality is its attractive leading lady. I will freely admit, I have a pretty bad attention span and a frustrating inability to remember even important things in life, but this movie was completely erased from my mind by the time I went to bed, not an hour after finishing it. But this time, as it turns out, it was not simply a case of my lackluster brain failing me: within 24 hours, my wife struggled to remember a single thing about it, taking about a minute before parts finally came back to her.

I (believe I) have said it before: The only thing worse than a bad movie is an indifferent one. A great movie can feel almost literally like a new love, setting your heart aflutter and giving you a unique sense of satisfaction; a bad movie may leave you in a terrible mood, with your blood boiling, but at least it gets a reaction. Hell, memories of it might even stay with you longer than some good movies, even if it is for all the wrong reasons (i.e. the “pancake” scene in Cabin Fever, one of the worst scenes of any movie ever made).

But a movie that causes feelings of “indifference” is...just there. It doesn't entertain you while you're watching it, and while it doesn't necessarily bore you either, it leaves absolutely no lasting impression upon you once over. It's like a straight line from beginning to end; a casual acquaintance in your life who could die and you would never even notice they were gone. And isn't being forgotten even worse than being despised? For many people, all that we leave behind once we're gone are memories; when those are gone, it's like we never even existed.

The plot involves the attractive girl, creatively named Kate Miller (and played by Alexxis Lemire, who is temptingly just one "x" short from a much more lucrative career), who is the assistant for an art gallery. She meets an older hunk who has a plethora of paintings painted by his grandfather, along with one rare piece: an original Vermeer for which there are no other known copies in existence. She becomes romantically entangled with him (read: they fuck), which leads to a moral dilemma: should an assistant be sleeping with a potential client? That question becomes even more loaded and urgent when it comes to light that the paintings—and some people involved—might not be what—or who—they are pretending to be...

If I have to say something positive, I will say the acting is slightly above-average overall: I mean, no one's putting on an acting clinic, but most do turn in performances that are way too good for the material...

...which is terrible. Even if you don't watch the trailer—which you probably shouldn't do if you want to watch it because it literally gives away absolutely everything about the plot—you'll still know pretty much the entire story, and who's responsible for what by the ten-minute mark. This is another problem with the MarVista “ecosystem”, where there seem to be just enough characters to take the plot from point A to point B. That might be great for reining in the budget (which, I assume, is the point), but it does mystery films no favors: there aren't even enough characters here to give you a red herring if the writers (yes, there are two) were motivated enough to even try (spoiler: they weren't). In fact, I'm pretty sure it's taken me longer to write this than it took them to come up with the complete cast of characters and storyline.

If, after reading this, you somehow—against all logic and fair warnings—still have the urge to experience this movie for yourself, all I ask is that you do yourself one favor: Don't. Watch the trailer instead, which functions as a two-minute recap and is even more entertaining than watching the idea being thinly padded out to 90 minutes.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Alexxis Lemire joins a small but distinguished list as one of the prettiest MarVista leads of all time. It's unfortunate her entire filmography (as of June, 2019) consists of three made for TV movies (including another one produced by MarVista), and two episodes of a family-oriented television series: while she's far from a great actress, she has the looks and enough talent that she should be able to land better roles (like on CW's latest vampire-themed show?)
• Why does MarVista include the entire movie in some of their trailers (including this one)? We're not just talking giving away one or two minor plot points: we're talking showing twists and all, pretty much in the order they occur. I just don't understand the reasoning behind that, business or otherwise.
• The IMDb lists the actors out of order; I literally don't remember who was who, and don't want to spend any more time on this than I already have, so hopefully I got the four most prominent actors.

RATING: 1/10.

TRAILER (SPOILER ALERT!)