Writer(s): Helgren, and Emily Nye
Starring: Katherine Bailess, Damon Dayoub, Ali Cobrin, and Tiffany Hines
Enter Deadly Matrimony (aka Vows of Deceipt, or He Loved Them All), which is certainly a contender for one of the “worst” Lifetime movies ever made: an idiotic labyrinth of twists and turns that nevertheless might still be gripping were they not executed with pitch-perfect incoherence, and a fundamental misunderstanding of basic logic. But while it may not be “gripping” in the sense that it's a thriller and we're supposed to be glued to our seat trying to figure it all out, it's a jaw-dropping exercise in moviemaking futility; a movie so near-perfect in its ineptitude that it functions as self-parody.
The nonsense starts off right away, when we learn that Sara has just tied the knot with the man of her dreams, a man whom she has known for a whopping three months. Okay...I guess quick marriages are a thing these days, so one can forgive an impressionable 18-year-old for falling in love for the first time and being taken along for a ride she thinks will last forever. Only, Sara is not 18...she looks to be in her thirties (but apparently is only 28). Oh. Even worse: she's an attorney who works on litigation cases. Okay, so she has a career where she has to research people, but never stops to look into the man she's marrying off-the-cuff? (PRO TIP: If you have to ask three different people if you're rushing into something, you've just answered your own question.)
That man is Leo, a suave and sophisticated con man who has an answer for everything. Unfortunately, he's also the type of con man who leaves incriminating evidence everywhere, and so it isn't long before another woman named Melinda appears at her doorstep, offering Sara some juicy information: Leo also goes by the name Sam. And Sam/Leo is also married to Melinda. Whoa, things are heating up pretty quickly here!
Apparently, our protagonist has a history of marrying woman under various names, drains their bank accounts, and then flees onto the next victim. Sometimes, he also kills them, presumably when they (rightfully) realize they've been used and confront him. I can't imagine a person who wouldn't notice that their accounts have been completely drained, nor could I imagine anyone not at least contemplating that it might be the person you don't know that you just married, who went on a vacation before you could even honeymoon, but hey, maybe he's that charming.
Conveniently, and true to his MO, Leo is out of town on business, giving Sara and Melinda plenty of time to network with Cindy, a model and another past wife of his who wants to see him stopped. So our wronged trio gather at Sara's house to put a plan in place, only to discover that the place where he currently “lives” probably isn't the best place to make a plan to capture him. Oh, they also discover that he isn't out of town after all, but watching their every move—sometimes from literally three feet away—and he will stop at nothing to ensure that his plan will continue until he is able to marry, and then steal from, every single woman in the world!
So, what is their brilliant plan? They track down yet another woman—apparently the only one that ever turned down his out-of-the-blue marriage proposal—and convince her to marry Leo/Sam, during which time they will exact their revenge. I'm sorry...what? Wouldn't that be a red flag to a conniving lifetime criminal that a random woman you proposed to months ago just suddenly changed her mind about marriage, and wants to go through with a ceremony without getting to know you again? Actually, wouldn't that be a red flag to anyone? Also, how do all of these women apparently live within a few miles of each other? Call me crazy, but wouldn't you want to spread your marriages out as far as possible in order to maximize the odds that you will get away with it, at least long enough to skip the country, or something? Why, I'm starting to think the reason he's gotten away with it for so long isn't because he's smart, so much as his victims are complete morons.
Oh man, where oh where do I even start? This is exhaustively bad in ways that I never imagined possible from a movie with a budget over $100. Each and every character is somehow stupider than the last, up to and including the suave conman who apparently is so smooth, he's constantly leaving incriminating evidence out in the open. In one unforgettable moment, he even shows how ruthlessly evil he is....by turning the thermostat up to 86 in someone's house. What kind of heartless person would leave a family sweltering in a temporary state of mild discomfort? That bastard!
Then there are the women, who are on such a heightened state of alert out of life-or-death fear that one of them somehow doesn't notice him watching her set the alarm through the front door from three feet away (no exaggeration, either). And, does not one of them ever stop to realize that staying in a house where he has a functioning key to gain entry to is probably the worst possible idea for them? (Thankfully for him, though, they can't even be bothered to lock the door to begin with.) And, of course, let's not forget the initial fact that they all agreed to marry a guy that they literally knew nothing about.
That man is Leo, a suave and sophisticated con man who has an answer for everything. Unfortunately, he's also the type of con man who leaves incriminating evidence everywhere, and so it isn't long before another woman named Melinda appears at her doorstep, offering Sara some juicy information: Leo also goes by the name Sam. And Sam/Leo is also married to Melinda. Whoa, things are heating up pretty quickly here!
Apparently, our protagonist has a history of marrying woman under various names, drains their bank accounts, and then flees onto the next victim. Sometimes, he also kills them, presumably when they (rightfully) realize they've been used and confront him. I can't imagine a person who wouldn't notice that their accounts have been completely drained, nor could I imagine anyone not at least contemplating that it might be the person you don't know that you just married, who went on a vacation before you could even honeymoon, but hey, maybe he's that charming.
Conveniently, and true to his MO, Leo is out of town on business, giving Sara and Melinda plenty of time to network with Cindy, a model and another past wife of his who wants to see him stopped. So our wronged trio gather at Sara's house to put a plan in place, only to discover that the place where he currently “lives” probably isn't the best place to make a plan to capture him. Oh, they also discover that he isn't out of town after all, but watching their every move—sometimes from literally three feet away—and he will stop at nothing to ensure that his plan will continue until he is able to marry, and then steal from, every single woman in the world!
So, what is their brilliant plan? They track down yet another woman—apparently the only one that ever turned down his out-of-the-blue marriage proposal—and convince her to marry Leo/Sam, during which time they will exact their revenge. I'm sorry...what? Wouldn't that be a red flag to a conniving lifetime criminal that a random woman you proposed to months ago just suddenly changed her mind about marriage, and wants to go through with a ceremony without getting to know you again? Actually, wouldn't that be a red flag to anyone? Also, how do all of these women apparently live within a few miles of each other? Call me crazy, but wouldn't you want to spread your marriages out as far as possible in order to maximize the odds that you will get away with it, at least long enough to skip the country, or something? Why, I'm starting to think the reason he's gotten away with it for so long isn't because he's smart, so much as his victims are complete morons.
Oh man, where oh where do I even start? This is exhaustively bad in ways that I never imagined possible from a movie with a budget over $100. Each and every character is somehow stupider than the last, up to and including the suave conman who apparently is so smooth, he's constantly leaving incriminating evidence out in the open. In one unforgettable moment, he even shows how ruthlessly evil he is....by turning the thermostat up to 86 in someone's house. What kind of heartless person would leave a family sweltering in a temporary state of mild discomfort? That bastard!
Then there are the women, who are on such a heightened state of alert out of life-or-death fear that one of them somehow doesn't notice him watching her set the alarm through the front door from three feet away (no exaggeration, either). And, does not one of them ever stop to realize that staying in a house where he has a functioning key to gain entry to is probably the worst possible idea for them? (Thankfully for him, though, they can't even be bothered to lock the door to begin with.) And, of course, let's not forget the initial fact that they all agreed to marry a guy that they literally knew nothing about.
It's a reverse masterpiece, a nearly “perfect” combination of inept writing and directing that doesn't come along very often. If you're even marginally interested in bad movies, this is one you should go out of your way to check out.
STRAY OBSERVATIONS
- A necklace will strangle someone to death in all situations, no matter how much leverage a person on top of you with a complete death grip of your neck may have.
- Someone should alert characters in these movies that virtually all smartphones ever made come standard with the ability to block numbers. ("Why does this number that I keep ignoring keep calling me?")
- It's hard to look intimidating when you're holding a teeny gun. Even harder when the gun doesn't work.
- A character falls over with a gunshot wound despite there being no actual sound of the gun going off.
- Anyone can make a Lifetime movie in spirit. But no matter how bad they are, how the hell are they always shot well and look so polished? Isn't there a way to ensure that same quality across the remaining cast and crew members?
ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 8/10
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