Writer(s): Chris Sivertson
Starring: Hayley McLaughlin, Danika Yarosh, Dylan Walsh, and Teri Polo
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| Whoa, this custom-made DVD cover is cooler than anything in the movie. (Courtesy of CoverCity) |
Man, oh man. I’ve seen some terrible
MarVista movies (easy to do because that includes virtually all of
them), but this one just might take the cake as the worst of a bad
bunch.
Ana is a foreign exchange student from
Scotland, who becomes the target of a physical stalker almost
immediately, despite not knowing anyone in the city. Thankfully, she
is saved by Monica, a wannabe punk girl who confronts the hooded
figure and gets him to run away (hmmm, coincidence?). The harassment
of Ana continues, only this time, it’s via her mobile device, so
Monica gets a plan: “Say, let’s get away from here and go to my
family’s swanky house in some small town with a stupid-as-shit
name!” Excited at the prospect of not only having a new friend, but
also a new family, Ana instantly agrees.
Oh, and did I mention that Ana looks
just like Monica’s young sister, Camilla, who died in a car
accident several years back? I don’t know how I could forget that,
because the movie makes sure you don’t, hammering the point home
whenever the writer feels like there’s been more than five minutes
between the last mention of it, and that you might forget just how
striking the resemblance is. Every character who comes into contact
with Ana stares with startled recognition, as if that’s Camilla
herself, still in the flesh. Even Camilla's own parents stare at Ana
with a mix of shock and disbelief that doesn't just border on the
uncomfortable: it runs over it, backs up over it, then runs it over
again. Three times.
Only, they don't, unless your only
requirement for thinking two people look alike is having
similar-colored hair of a similar length. Seriously, it's more
shocking how unsimilar the two characters look. I was dreading
the idea that the filmmakers would just fall back on the lazy idea of
using the same actress for both roles, and was initially happy to
learn they didn't...this may be the first time when they really just
should have.
From the outset, we can tell that
something isn’t quite right: They invite her to stay as long as she
wants, and let her sleep in Camilla’s bed, in the very same bedroom
they haven’t touched since she died. Okay, sure, none of this is
weird at all. Monica even contacts Ana via a walkie placed under her
pillow, a supposedly touching throwback to when the two sisters were
alive and would talk to each other at night. (“I’m surprised
these things still work,” a shocked Monica explains, adding that
they haven’t been used “in years”; I want to know what brand of
batteries they use that, you know, last forever.)
But apparently, “red flags” don’t
exist in Scotland, because Ana ignores a plethora of questionable
behaviors from her new “family”, such as: a ‘father’ who
constantly dwells on how she's a ‘good girl’; a ‘mother’ who
stares at her far longer than you should stare at anyone unless you
are dead, and who confesses to being force-fed drugs (??); a
terrifying dinner involving another family whose female members are also clearly abused; and a ‘sister’ that continues to dispel any
rumors, defending her father even as the case around him is clearly
evident. I know victim blaming is politically incorrect these days, but when you ignore more red flags than there are in China, you pretty much deserve to get what's coming to you.
The “twist” is…well, I think it’s
supposed to be a twist, yet it’s so obvious I’m not even going to
warn you about possible spoilers, is that they want to keep her as
part of their family! Well, there is a “twist” twist, which I
will NOT reveal, but it’s somehow even stupider than the rest of the movie.
Honestly, this is one of the worst
anythings I've seen in recent memory. Ana, whose cuteness (and
Scottish accent) are the two sole positives in the entire shitshow, is
also one of the stupidest main characters in the history of history, oblivious to
every little thing until the evil is spelled out for her, and far too
trusting of someone she just met. When you go to a random coffee shop
and a random barista there recounts the story of how weird the family
that you're staying with—and know nothing about—is, it's probably
a good idea to at least file that information away, rather than
asking someone directly implicated in it whether or not it's true.
(Why do they always seem to do that in these movies? “You better
watch out for Beth...she's evil.” [next scene] “Beth, I heard
that you're evil. Is that true?”)
The writing is abysmal, with pacing so
wildly uneven that it’s numbing in its awfulness. You know how
jokes only work when there is a setup involved? Well, the writer of
Deadly Switch (one Chris Sivertson) doesn't seem to have a
fundamental understanding of that whole “buildup-climax” payoff;
it's the equivalent of telling nothing but punchlines, with no
context or gradual increase in tension. And with such a small range
of characters, something these movies probably do to reign in the
budget, there's not even any room for red herrings: everything is
blatantly obvious from literally within the first five minutes.
In other words, this movie is just
frustratingly bad: not “funny bad”, or “entertainingly
incompetent”, or any other group of adjectives that you hope to be
able to use in describing a MarVista production. It's more along the
lines of “appallingly boring”, and "boring" is the worst possible thing that a movie can be.
STRAY OBSERVATIONS:
-Why does Ana go
for a walk alone on her first day with Monica’s family, and decide
that walking through someone’s yard is a good idea? Furthermore,
why is she so shocked when the homeowner yells at her and tells her
not to trespass, that she has to discuss it with Monica later? It is,
after all, her goddamned yard.-“I feel like someone is watching me”, Ana says, shortly after receiving a card that says, “I’m Watching You”
-If you want to make sure someone you are forcing medicine on has taken their pill, simply looking into their mouth is apparently sufficient.
-Opening scene is Ana doing homework in a bar. Later, she explains that her roommate is weird, “hence the homework in a bar.” I’m sorry, you’re in college living on a campus…surely there must be some libraries or coffee shops around?
RATING: 0.5/10
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