47 Meters Down (2017)

Director: Johannes Roberts
Writer: Roberts, and Ernest Riera
Starring: Mandy Moore, Claire Holt, Matthew Modine, and Chris Johnson

Mandy Moore is one of the dullest actresses on the planet. She’s been pigeonholed—happily, it seems—as the perfect actress for completely boring characters. Have a prude? She’ll play it. Have a character who’s allergic to having fun? Sign her up. Watching her in movies, you get the sense that you’re really watching her, and the results couldn’t be more off-putting.

Well now, she gets a chance to play that exact same character again in 47 Meters Down, a movie that can’t help but suck despite a naturally-terrifying premise that plays on primal human fears.

Moore plays Lisa, a boring woman who has just broken up with her boyfriend for—get this—being boring (no joke!) She goes to an island with Kate, her sister, but not to have fun or spend time with her sibling, but rather in an attempt to win her ex back. (How, you may be wondering? Her thought process is, if he sees pics of her online having fun, he’ll fall in love with her all over again. Wow, boring and completely fucking stupid!)

While on vacation, they two girls meet up with two attractive male strangers, who suggest they go diving in a shark cage, because you know, what else is there to do on an island? Of course, Lisa can’t be bothered with such a potentially exciting idea and dismisses it instantly, while Kate desperately urges her to go along. (Actually, in this case, I might be on Lisa’s side: being stranded thousands of yards from land with complete strangers, and in a foreign land, probably isn’t a smart idea.) 

Thankfully for the viewers, Kate wins, saving us from having to watch a movie consisting only of Lisa sitting alone in her beach hotel room, sobbing to pictures of her ex-boyfriend.

Before you know it, the two girls are being lowered into the ocean—by complete strangers, thousands of miles from their home country, just for reiteration—in the world’s oldest, rustiest shark cage. What could possibly go wrong? I’ll tell you: the pole holding the cage rips off, sending the duo plummeting to the titular underwater level.

That’s when the “action” starts, and all of a sudden Lisa’s version of the movie doesn’t seem so bad: It has the feel of an amusement park ride, with convenient scares popping out then retreating at set stages, and walkie communication with the boat (whose inhabitants oddly stick around, despite having no emotional attachment or investment with these two girls whatsoever) coming and going whenever is best for the sake of the story.

The usual and expected dangers apply, with a limited amount of oxygen and the surrounding sharks (who all seem to be blind given the amount of times they miss biting either of the main stars) being the two biggest attractions, and a case of “the bends” conveniently ruling out the possibility of merely swimming up to the surface and sparing us all a protracted movie-watching experience.

I must admit that 47 Meters Down does manage a couple effective moments, but that owes more to its claustrophobic setting than the skill of anyone involved in the production: watching characters have to remove diving gear deep underwater to fit through a small crevice (?), or running low on oxygen while trapped in a steel cage is enough to cause anxiety in most people, regardless of claustrophobia or fear of water. Unfortunately, even being given this head start, it's never able to build on it to create anything more than another forgettable big-budget thriller.

Its most egregious failure is also one that highlights the shortcomings of the American studio system: it foregoes the chance at a brilliant, brilliant finish—one that very nearly undid much of the damage the movie inflicted on my sense of wonder and excitement for the previous 80 minutes—for a decidedly “happier” ending that allows Mandy Moore’s character to survive almost out of nowhere. And any movie that allows Mandy Moore to survive has just committed an unforgivable offense.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

-Why do the guys even stick around to help, especially when several minutes go by at first without hearing any word from the girls (who conveniently can't reach the walkie)? They have no emotional attachment to them, and there's no indication anyone else even knows they're going.
-Why is Mandy Moore so goddamned boring? Even underwater she's annoying as shit.
-I don't understand the point of having the “ex-boyfriend” subplot; it serves absolutely no purpose in advancing the storyline.
-Apparently, sharks have a hard time eating stationary main characters with no diving experience, but can easily nab minor ones even when they are experienced divers on the move.
-The boat inhabitants call the Coast Guard, who will take an hour to get to the girls' position. Wouldn't waiting it out to conserve oxygen and energy be the smart thing to do?
-If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, remember that Mandy Moore would make excellent shark bait to buy more time.
-I still can't believe the forced ending. While still not entirely “happy”, it negates the movie's only moment of near brilliance.

RATING: 3/10

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