Christmas Movie Magic (2021)

Director: Robert Vaughn
Writer(s): Rickie Castaneda, from a story by James S. Blakeman and Caitlin English
Starring: Holly Deveaux, Drew Seeley, Jill Frappier and Jennifer Gibson

The first holiday movie of the season more or less sets the tone for all the rest that follow. If we get a bad one, then it’s a case of “bah-humbug” and that negativity follows into the next viewing. And the next. Until one of them finally breaks the cycle by being “good”. Last year we saw an unprecedented number of above-average Christmas rom-coms.

This year hasn’t gotten off to such a good start.

Actually Christmas Movie Magic does get off to a decent start. A man encounters a woman walking her pig in the middle of the street. Through some cheeky dialogue, the two seem to hit it off instantly. But we can tell from the intentionally stilted acting (even for this type of movie) that it’s not from this time period. Alas, it is not: This love story is actually a movie from the 1950s.

I was hoping the entire movie would be done in this style. It probably would have gotten a little tiresome, but at least it would have been unique. Unfortunately, the “movie-within-a-movie” is only glimpsed occasionally after the intro, despite playing an annoyingly protracted part in the main movie itself.

Alli is an entertainment writer hoping to earn a promotion to the news team. Of course, she thinks her talents are being underutilized, and wants a chance to prove herself. Her boss offers her the chance to do just that - provided she write an article about Christmas With You, that ‘50s movie we caught a glimpse of earlier. Starring Walter Andrews - Hollywood’s heartthrob of the time - it seems the movie had such a profound impact on the city it was filmed in, that it continues even today.

That city is White Falls. And that movie seems to have had no greater impact on anyone, than a man named Brad Westdale who, of course, is Alli’s age. This man is a walking encyclopedia of the movie - in fact, it’s all he fucking talks about. It’s “Christmas With You” this, and “Christmas With You” that. Sure, his history has something to do with it - his grandpa and grandma’s movie theater was the site of the film’s premiere - but come on, Brad, it’s been 65 years. You weren’t around, and only heard the stories through a third party, even if that third party was your grandparents. Seriously, his fascination with it veers into pure obsession.

There is some boring “mystery” involving a famous song that Walter wrote for the movie, which was inspired by a secret lover he had on set. Alli and Brad’s drive to solve that mystery forms the binding agent that brings the two would-be lovers together. (Is it a spoiler alert to reveal that the two leads get together in the end?) It’s rather yawn-inducing.

Christmas Movie Magic does have one welcome change: Alli and Brad never “hate” each other. There always seems to be friction between the two leads in the beginning, which slowly becomes admiration. Here, Alli seems to be intrigued by Brad from the outset, as curious as it is. I would think most women would be put off by a man whose only knowledgeable topic is an old romance movie, but what do I know?

There are also some other strengths: Holly Deveaux is attractive - and adept - as the lead, which helps to give an air of believability to the budding romance. (Brad, on the other hand, comes off as doofy, but I think that has more to do with the script.) The flashbacks to the “classic” movie that forms the backdrop to the modern tale is also done with an impressive level of detail. Even the central song - though it’s not the least bit catchy - does sound like it was recorded in the ‘50s.

Maybe it got us in the wrong mood. After all, reviews of this are above-average across the board (including a positive write-up in the Wall Street Journal, of all places). But Brad’s relentless, grating obsession with a movie that premiered 65 years ago was enough to sink it for us. Add in the final musical number, which takes place in the present day and feels woefully out of place - and a complete lack of chemistry between the two leads - and you have the perfect recipe for holiday drowsiness.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• As out-of-left-field and laughable as its placement is, I must admit the final musical number is actually well-done, thanks to some competent choreography.

• How in the hell has no one seen Walter’s revelatory identity of his real-life love interest prior to this? It’s spelled out and written in huge fucking letters!

• This movie might have actually been helped out by some initial friction, as Alli’s skepticism is never enough to challenge Brad and his annoyingly saccharine vision of life.

• It took me a Herculean effort just to make it through without falling asleep.

• It's telling when the two leads can't muster up more than an unemotional peck for their first kiss.

RATING: 3/10

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MARVEL-LESS MARVISTA: He Knows Your Every Move (aka Deadly Hack) (2018)

Director: Lane Shefter Bishop
Writer(s): Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch
Starring: Drew Seeley, Rosalie McIntire, Sofia Pernas, and Andrew Kai

Once again, I have to wonder something aloud that I've asked many times before in the limited time I've been reviewing them: Just how self-aware is MarVista to the quality of their movies? I mean, they obviously follow the same formulas, and they are popular enough to be a multi-million dollar studio, but they have to be aware that people are laughing at them and not with them…right?

The latest evidence is He Knows Your Every Move, a movie that feels as if it was written by an elderly person inspired by a meme about identity theft that they received on Facebook. It’s a series of increasingly frustrating yet predictable sequences that quickly build up far beyond the scope of reality, and into a bizarre alternate universe, where women are completely oblivious to the bright red flags of sociopathic behavior, and the bright red flash of a webcam that always seems to be on, even when it’s not in use.

Molly is a highly successful recipe vlogger who has everything she thinks she needs in her life…except, a man. She feels she doesn’t have time for one, but of course her friends know her better than she does, so they push her into the dating scene. Her reluctant decision to date based on her pushy friends becomes a little less reluctant when she has a run-in with Jack during one of her daily jogs. He's a (mildly) handsome, charming man; between that and the few common interests they share right off the bat, that’s enough to win her over. Before you know it, they’re on their first date, then in bed together (MarVista's getting edgy!).

The “coincidences” mount with alarming intensity: he likes the same under-the-radar restaurant in Akron, OH (so much that he recites the name of the place before she does); likes the same bands and the same kinds of movies; constantly bumps into her in completely random places; speaks as if he is reciting carefully-choreographed sentences (though that just may be the acting; hard to tell in some of these movies); and, in perhaps the most telling characteristic, refuses to talk about his past, always changing the subject when pressed for information. Any one of these things would at least start to raise a red flag: any combination of two would put most people on high-alert. But to have ALL of those things in common…well, I’d say you have a better chance of making a perfect NCAA tournament bracket.

Once it all comes out and he makes his sociopathic tendencies known, the extent to which this man terrorizes her life from having access to her computer is hilariously over-the-top, as he is able to drain her bank account (AND ADD fraudulent charges FROM THE PAST), show up anywhere uninvited, send alternate (read: sexy and inappropriate) photos to her boss in lieu of a very important assignment, email plagiarized recipes for the same assignment, kidnap her ex-boyfriend, track her locations via a necklace he gave her (and that she curiously still wears, even after breaking up) and—in perhaps the most heinous, heartless act the world has ever seen—leave a one-star Yelp review for the restaurant her and her friends frequent. So much weight do her words carry (despite the fact no one at all seems to recognize her out in public) that, as a result of said review, the restaurant loses 90% of its business literally overnight. Oh, and did I mention that the token black friend—who is the first to voice concern about his actions, before agreeing they should get married not ten seconds later—is a police officer?

None of the ensuing mess is helped by the reactions to Molly’s apparent “meltdown”, in which no one at all believes her, despite this being completely out-of-character for her: The bank places a freeze on her account “while they investigate” citing that the fraudulent charges do not appear odd; her best friend believes she’s lying when she insists she didn’t invite Jack to her wedding reception, despite his history of doing such things; her boss forces her to take a leave of absence after receiving the plagiarized documents and sexy pictures, even though she would have no logical reason to do that; the restaurant’s manager is so devastated by her one-star review, that he can’t stop to realize for one second that she legitimately seems confused by the notion that she left his restaurant a poor rating, and probably wouldn’t show her face there again if she did. Really, all we learn is that basically everyone except Molly and her ex-boyfriend are complete pieces of shit.

The “ex”, while good-looking , takes some getting used to on a “personal level”, looking doofy and awkward in early scenes as his character (unmotivated stoner-rocker type) is established, and then randomly showing up to awkwardly linger around in later scenes just to show he still cares. He even proves to be relatively worthless as a hero, being kidnapped by the crazed kidnapper with, we imagine, very little effort of resistance.

By the end, though it's obvious he's one of the better aspects of the movie, along with the main star, who are attractive and decent enough actors that they would be able to carry the brunt of a “better” MarVista movie on their shoulders. But no one could save this epic turd of a movie, which is bad on so many levels that you’d swear the writer just Googled “identity theft” and believed the first paid search result that came up. Surely the studio knows this is a cringeworthy mess with no real redeeming qualities...right?

RIGHT?!

RATING: 2/10

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