Writer(s): Wiktor Piatkowski and Marzanna Polit
Starring: Adrianna Cheblika, Mateusz Banasiuk, Agnieszka Zulewska and Krzysztof Czeczot
Well, what do we have here? Just when I thought it was only Hollywood that was stupid enough to repackage the same garbage over and over again, and then have the nerve to regift it to us with a brand new bow, we have a Polish attempt at Hallmark-style tripe! Who knew foreign cinema could sink that low?
True-to-form, the plot is legendarily laughable: Enzo (real name: Stefan…more on that later) is a model and playboy obsessed with only two things in life: women and fast cars (and not necessarily in that order). He spends his days cruising around in fancy vehicles, using his natural charm to pick up women, whom he then, presumably, disposes of the next day. However, since this is supposed to be a lighthearted romance, we’re spared the emotional details and consequences of his steady stream of one-night stands, and instead focus on what a lovable douchebag he is.
Monika (that is her real name; she’s also known as Klaudia…more on that later) is a schoolteacher who’s in danger of being fired by her principal thanks to her unorthodox teaching methods - namely, that she makes school fun. Her father (who the writers didn’t even bother to give a name; he’s credited only as “Father of Klaudia”) is a depressed, gullible man who got in too deep with some local gangsters, and borrowed more money than he could pay back. Well, we all know what happens to people who don’t pay back loan sharks.
He is given an ultimatum: If they don’t receive their money - in full - within 30 days, they will kill him. Again, though, this is supposed to be lighthearted fare, so the threats are done as “nice” as possible, even after said goons visit his shop and give him a severe beating. Monika is desperate to save her father and the memory of her mother (who, of course, died years ago, a favorite plot point for this kind of junk) so she moonlights as a model, Klaudia, in an attempt to make ends meet because her schoolteacher salary clearly isn’t enough.
Meanwhile, Enzo is a model who is dumped by his coldhearted, unattractive girlfriend at the beginning, which gives him free reign to terrorize the town (although it appeared he still did the same thing when he was with her; aaaah, those lovable womanizing types). He does need a place to stay, though, so he temporarily moves in with his brother, Andrzej, where we learn that “Enzo” is just his modeling alias, and Stefan is his real name. As it turns out, the two of them have a mutual connection: Andrzej’s wife just left him to go “find herself”, or something of the sort, but mentions that she will be returning at some point. This puts Andrzej in a tough spot, because he’s apparently too busy to watch his school-aged child, Ania, even though we never actually see him leave the house, or act as a parental figure whatsoever.
Thus, Stefan is tasked with taking care of the child, presumably as a favor for Andzrej letting him stay at his house indefinitely. There, he meets Ania’s teacher who is - would you believe it if I told you - Monika! Gee, what are the odds of that? There is instant chemistry between the two, but of course as the nerdy, prude schoolteacher, he can’t just charm the pants off her the way he has with so many women before. But he can already sense she’s not like other women, and he slowly starts to develop actual feelings for her. Are you following me so far?
During all of this, Enzo (who is still managed by his ex) gets cast in an advertisement for a new sportscar. Of course, no commercial for a fast, slick vehicle is complete without a female object for men to ogle over…and guess who gets that role? Would you believe it if I told you it’s the schoolteacher moonlighting as a model, Klaudia? Enzo finds himself falling for both women, and of course is completely unaware they are the same person, leading to a painful scene in which he asks schoolteacher Monika advice on how to impress Klaudia. Can you imagine giving someone advice on how to impress yourself? And how used you must feel knowing that he likes an alternate version of you more than the real you? That doesn’t seem to bother her, though, and she obliges.
So, to recap, Enzo/Stefan is balancing life as a loving uncle, and model, while Monika/Klaudia is tiptoeing the line between schoolteacher and model. Hijinx ensues, until her true identity is revealed, much to the shock of everyone (including her own father)!
Honestly, I was shocked to see the hate leveled at this movie, because this is one of the best B-grade rom-coms I’ve ever seen. The two leads are attractive and fit their roles well, while they also seem to have actual chemistry - I wouldn’t call the scenes between them “electric”, but they are believable as a pairing, and seem both natural and comfortable in their scenes together. This alone elevates it above typical fare. The comedic aspects stay true to the film’s lighthearted approach, with Monika’s red-haired colleague (known only as Teacher #1) stealing the supporting show as a chain-smoking teacher who always finds a reason to grab a cigarette.
Also, and maybe it’s just me, but I felt like Klaudia does look different enough as Monika to throw Enzo off, at least for a while, although you would think the more he got to know “both”, he would start to see similarities. Even Ania, whom Enzo/Stefan brings on set of the commercial, confidently declares that the two are the same person around the mid-point of the movie…something that she never mentions again, and a fact that Enzo/Stefan just brushes off. It’s a rather confusing scene that would have made more sense if it were placed toward the end, and also further proof of the subgenre’s willful stupidity and complete lack of logic.
However, as we all know, the point of these movies are to watch two attractive people fall in love, logic be damned. Or, in this case, watching one man fall in love with two women, who are actually one and the same. On those grounds, it works. Sure, there are the obligatory, cheesy montages of Stefan and Monika carelessly frolicking in the rain, and his immediate taking to Ania despite clearly being uninterested in children. All of this is par for the course. But what it does, it does well, and all the while consistently maintaining the cheesy, over-the-top atmosphere required in this tired subgenre.
Working against it, though, is its length: Squared Love clocks in at an overbloated 133 minutes. That’s right, 2 hours and 13 minutes. The average length of this kind of tripe is around 90 minutes, because there’s only so much of this sugary bullshit that people can take before it starts to rot brain cells. We happened to break it down into two viewings (by accident; it was late and we got tired) so it didn’t feel overlong, but I’m sure it would have been noticeable if we watched it all at once. And the film does certainly try to cram in a ridiculous number of unnecessary subplots that easily could have been excised without damaging the "integrity" of the script.
Furthermore, let me be clear here: Squared Love is not a good piece of cinema. Even within the wide confines of a rom-com, it’s way too ridiculous and overblown to function as a valid example of a legitimately good romantic comedy. But for what it is - namely, a foreign retread of predictable Hallmark-style love stories - it has enough charm to carry it above most other contenders in a subgenre littered with so much below-average fare, that there really isn’t even a shining example of success.
STRAY OBSERVATIONS
- Kid characters in these movies are almost always annoying, frequently thrown in as a convenient way to show the main character’s “progress” - and also usually meant to be annoying - but Ania refreshingly comes off as down-to-Earth, and never even comes close to being a frustrating character.
- Does Andzrej even know how to be a father? He’s rarely ever seen with Ania, and even when he is, never gives her any kind of emotional support - or any kind of support - whatsoever. Maybe that's why his wife decided to up and leave, although that's pretty terrible in its own right.
- One thing dragging this down: As if the plot already isn’t “full” enough, Monika is constantly harassed by the school principal, who is eagerly looking for a way to get rid of her. Upcoming nationwide exams provide an opportunity to do that, as if her class doesn’t pass, her time is up. There’s really little time devoted to showing her preparing her students for said test, making this a throwaway subplot.
- There’s also another throwaway character in Wiesiek, a sleazy man who works for Monika’s father, and who is somehow the only one who notices more than a passing resemblance between her and Klaudia; he threatens to out her if she doesn’t give in to his (presumably sexual, but still "playful") demands.
- The Netflix version of this is dubbed, which given the chance, I’m usually against. But I thought the dubbing work was actually pretty good. Sure, the mouths don’t line up with what the people are saying, but the voice acting itself is believable, and matches the characters well.
- Aside from letting the two brothers bond, what is the point of having Ania's mom up and leave? She even comes back at the very end, but is never seen, and the reasons she left - as well as its effect on Andzrej - are never explored.
- The inclusion of Enzo/Stefan's ex is pointless, as there's no real drama between them considering they're technically single. If there is jealousy between her and Klaudia, which is kind of hinted at in a couple scenes, it's yet another thing that is never explored.
- Now that I think about it, most of this movie is completely unnecessary.
ENTERTAINMENT RATING: 7.5/10. That’s right, 7.5.
TRAILER
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