My wife and I were browsing the "Hulu-ween" selection on the popular streaming service when this option popped up. I had never heard of it despite being relatively in tune with available horror options. At first I thought it was because it was a new show, but apparently I'm super-late to the party; the first season was released last year.
Since there are a whopping 28 short films in the first season of Hulu's "Bite-Size Halloween", we're just going to break these down into two separate reviews for ease of reading. And I know what you're thinking: "But it's past Halloween!" So what? It can be argued that winter is even creepier than the time of year when leaves are changing colors and landscapes look beautiful. Because in winter, everything is a barren, desolate wasteland.
Some quick notes: I feel kinda stupid assigning numerical scores to each individual short...after all, most of them are the length of a movie trailer, and have no time for the proper development of characters, or rich story arcs. Therefore, I won't be doing that for each episode, instead giving a final score of the entire series. Deal? Great...now let's get down to business, shall we?
Visible: The first story of the long-winded series is one of the best: After a rather annoying, almost stereotypical start involving a black teen in what appears to be a rougher neighborhood, in a basketball court, it shifts gears. A girl tries playing basketball, only to discover there are four ghosts surrounding her, trying to play the same game she is. Then there’s a twist that’s been done to death. I was ready to chalk this up as an average episode, but the final line (and final reveal) actually packs a human touch, something sorely missing from most other “episodes”.
Mena: A sad, pathetic man takes a DNA test promising to show him “what makes him special”. He eagerly takes it, desperate to give himself some self-worth…and ends up making things worse in the process. This one starts a very concerning, very consistent blend of lackluster story and lackluster execution. The premise is flat and the weird attempt at humor is every bit as depressing as its pitiful main character.
Reborn: Unlike “Visible”, a good final shot can’t save this tired tale of a girl who’s disinterested in being baptized…because she holds a cliched, horrible secret. Rather predictable, and the short running time doesn’t really give it any time to spread its wings and become its own.
Okay, I have a question 3 “episodes” in: the lengths of these episodes all seem to vary, from 3 minutes, up to 13 for the longest one (which occurs in season 2). Why didn’t more episodes take advantage of a longer running time? A lot seem content with sticking the three-minute length, which gives no time for any kind of setup or character development. Maybe they just wanted to get it over with and move on, a feeling that should be all too familiar for the viewer.
Devil Vac: A woman receives a vacuum (sexism!), only to realize it has ties to the titular entity. Not funny, and the title gives away the only thing that could have been a surprise, although, even then, it still wouldn't have been funny. We'll chalk this one up as another bomb.
Mondays: An old woman attacks a young man in this hilarious installment! Just kidding...it's fucking awful. There’s a promising setup, involving a man who shuns an old lady trying to get on an elevator, but then it devolves into lowest-common denominator humor, that buys into the lame (and incorrect) notion that old people doing young people things is the pinnacle of hilarity ("Look at that old woman dance!" "That old woman swearing sure is hilarious!" "Look at that old woman having sex with..." Okay, I guess there are limits to that theory.) Come on, it's 2021, and this junk was already tired five years ago.
We’re not even a fifth of the way through these and I’m already regretting this decision wholeheartedly. However, all anthologies are hit or miss, so maybe they’re just saving all the good ones for the end? I mean, if true, that makes no sense, but still…I’m holding out some kind of hope here. It's all I got left.
Jane: A forensic sculptor - one who recreates 3D masks of unidentified victims based off written details - is caught off guard by her latest work. It’s obvious, and it doesn’t quite work considering its predictability, but I will say the mask is creepy. Not creepy enough to make this worthwhile, but sadly creepy enough to make this one of the better ones. Even though, to be clear, it's not all that memorable.
Monstagram: Horror should be all about the surprising, and this one partially manages to pull that off, with one of the more shocking sequences of the entire season. A kid in a bathtub warns his mother not to post a picture of him to social media, or else she will face the wrath of "Monstagram" (stupid name), an entity that attacks people for posting certain things online. She ignores him, and of course suffers the consequences. The final shot of the kid is tacky, and another example of the kind of banal humor that's all to prevalent here, but there is a rather graphic scene that caught me off guard. Ironically, it’s the most gruesome story of the whole season, and it's centered around humor. This kicks off another negative consistency that appears in many other stories: Bad CGI monsters that are frequently meant to be taken seriously. This one is more tongue-in-cheek, so it's not as distracting as in some other episodes, but the computer effects are still bad. I'd be interested to see what the budgets were for the episodes: if it was more than $100, I would be shocked.
Creat(e)ure: All I wrote in my notes for this one is “terrible creature, terrible joke, awful, worst one yet,” and I can't for the life of me remember what this one is. Oh! I think this is the one that actually makes fun of one of the qualms I mentioned in my previous review (CGI monsters). It’s a promising setup, but done in such an unfunny way that it makes one cringe instead of laugh. Just an all-around low in a series that’s already overflowing with them.
The Mime: A guy pisses off a mime, and suffers the expected consequences. This one is an example of filler, which accurately describes almost the entire season. It is done with a tongue-in-cheek feel, rather than playing out as full-on horror. But that decision does nothing to overcome a lame, unimaginative idea.
We’re coming across yet another theme here, and we’re not even mercifully to the midway point yet: The “feel” of these stories varies across the board. Even if these were good shorts (and, to be clear, they’re not), the series would suffer as a whole because it jumps from comedic stories, to ones that actually attempt to be scary, and/or make a serious point. Obviously, I’m fine with varying the content, but they should have at least separated the comedic ones into their own season, or lumped all of them together in the first half of the season (or vice versa).
Gregory: A man refuses to get off the plane, so the stewardess threatens to sick “Gregory” on him. Jesus Christ yet another pathetic tale that’s played more for laughs than scares, and fails at eliciting anything but annoyance in the viewer (or, in my case, blood-boiling rage, but I assume that's just me).
Don’t Go Down to Wildor: A young adult receives a distress test from his brother, who seems trapped inside an old house…but of course that house is not what it seems. This one is quite rare in that it actually has potential - the required use of his phone to see what the house really looks like is inspired, and could have led to something great - but the CGI monsters and tired story completely ruin anything it had going for it. That’s a shame.
Okay, are we halfway through yet? Because I’m about done with these. Oh, and another criticism: I can’t stand how each short has to half that long-winded intro for the show after every episode. Come on, couldn’t they insert them after every 3-5 episodes? There’s literally a gap about the length of a full episode between the end credits from the previous episode, leading to the intro of the next episode. Once again, if this series was any good (and, to be clear, it’s not), this would have been another momentun-ruiner to detract from its effectiveness. The fact that it sucks makes it merely one more reason to hate it.
Stray: This one is one of the better ones: A mother tries keeping her daughter away from the Pied Piper, only to have her succumb to its creepy call. The mother tries saving her, only to discover it was (thankfully) all a dream…or was it? I wouldn’t consider any story to be genuinely “good” (well, maybe a couple), but this is one is easily top-5 material, mainly because it's the only one that manages to pull off a feeling of creepiness. Again, the short length prevents it from being anything approaching "frightening", but it's at least proof that a 3-minute short can be something other than boring.
NYX: Wow, have we just strung together two above-average stories in a row? Two astronauts - a man named Juno, and an unnamed female - are onboard a spacecraft. Well, one of them are: Juno is outside the ship, while the female keeps in contact with him via the onboard radio. The two remain in constant communication…until things go silent. The woman panics and tries sending a distress call, only to receive communication from Juno. But is it really him? This one avoids the main transgression of other stories, trying to show too much (i.e. CGI monsters) by showing nothing; it is also one of the few that stays completely within the horror genre, and is one of the better ones for it.
Landline: A woman finds a vintage phone at a yard sale, and we flashback to the previous owners and how it ended up there. The flashbacks have a funny ‘80s vibe, and it does manage to be the best of the comedic ones, but the use of the modern day framing device really isn’t necessary. In fact, if you think about it, the final "cliffhanger" doesn't really make sense at all. Still, it's passable, and a rare light in this neverending tunnel of darkness.
Tomorrow, we'll take a look at the remaining 14 shorts (ugh), and assign the series a final score. Does this series end on a high note, or is it just more of the same? Hint: it's definitely the latter.
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