Writer(s): Tenney
Starring: Todd Allen, Tawny Kitaen, Stephen Nichols, and Kathleen Wilhoite
My God, Tawny Kitaen is ridiculously hot. I'd heard the name before, and saw this movie several years back, but she has a natural radiance that just draws you in...add to that my fully-developed love for redheads (after all, I married one), and watching her here came close to making me feel the way I did about my pre-teen television crushes. Adding to the attraction is her talent: she's not the greatest actress in the world, but she's also not some bimbo hired simply to pose and look good in front of the camera. She's required to go through a range of emotions here, and manages to pull everything off rather convincingly, or at least, on a level equal to what the material deserves.
I don't usually get caught up in the looks of an actress this much, but she ends up being the saving grace of Kevin S. Tenney's Witchboard, the most uniformly average film I think I've ever seen. It perfectly toes the line of mediocrity from beginning to end in such a way that its consistency must be admired: it never dips to the point of being boring, but on the other hand, it also never rises enough to be all that interesting.
Kitaen is Linda Brewster, a beautiful (have I made that point clear yet?) woman who lives with her boyfriend, Jim. Linda seems to be a rather dumb woman, inviting her ex-boyfriend, Brandon, to a party thrown at their own house—unsurprisingly, Jim and Brandon don't seem to get along all that well, which is also perfectly understandable given the circumstances. The two spend most of the evening exchanging barbed one-liners with each other, while Linda seems to get a little too cozy with Brandon. Then Brandon pulls out a ouija board, informs everyone at the party that they've been pronouncing it wrong (it's “wee-jah”), and selects Linda as his “partner” to speak to the ghosts, on the grounds that she is “pure” and doesn't smoke or drink, unlike Jim.
As dumb as the invitation sounds now, it gradually starts to make a little more sense as the backstory is slowly revealed: Jim and Brandon actually used to be the best of friends growing up, but started to drift apart after Brandon blamed Jim for stealing Linda away from him. On those grounds, maybe Linda invited her ex hoping the two would set their differences aside and become good friends again, but it doesn't end up working out that way: the night ends when Jim pisses off “Dave”, the ghost of a ten-year-old boy that Brandon frequently talks to. In response to this “Dave” pops Brandon's tire. When Jim asks why didn't he pop his tire if he was the one provoking his anger, Brandon tells him that he was the one operating the board, so he is the one responsible for anything that happens during the “visit.”
In all the chaos of the popped tire, Brandon forgets to take home the Ouija, leaving it at Jim and Linda's house. But while Jim is clearly the skeptic, Linda starts to believe in the board and its powers. She apparently also doesn't have a job, because once she starts using the board alone, she can't seem to stop—it's as if its powers are drawing her in. Soon, she passes the point of obsession, talking to “Dave” every chance that she gets, and trying to form a bond with the dead child.
I will say in exactly one instance Witchboard throws us a bone, then cleverly veers off into an unpredictable direction: Early on, during the Ouija session at the party, Brandon lets the partygoers in on a little secret: That the spirits trapped in Ouija boards believe in reincarnation, and can pick the parents they want to be born to. Lo and behold, Linda finds out that she is pregnant, and even asks “Dave” to be her new child, to which the ghost replies with disinterest. But there is another catch to the ghost-human relationship: Brandon tells us the ghosts frequently lie. So is “Dave” really planning on entering her womb and being her next child, or is something else underfoot?
Before we veered off into the bad Rosemary's Baby knockoff I was anticipating, that whole subplot is wisely thrown out the window. As it turns out, she was not pregnant after all, a nurse explains. But Linda's health is rapidly deteriorating the more time she spends with the Ouija. To make matters a little more interesting, several people who are close to Jim end up dying. Is this just a coincidence, or is “Dave” trying to send a message from beyond the grave? Or is “Dave” even the ten-year-old child that he's been pretending to be...after all, the spirits have been known to lie...
The whole project has the feel of “Beverly Hills 90210” meets The Exorcist, especially in the early scenes, where the love triangle is the main focus, and this awkward combination of soap opera-meets-the-paranormal hinders it more than it helps. The “chemistry” between the two old friends is standard stuff, as Brandon's belief in the supernatural clashes with Jim's skepticism, providing some additional push-and-pull that is central to the story. Of course, as the bizarre events mount, Jim starts gradually opening up a little bit more to his old friend, and before you know it they're rehashing their old friendship, and having manly heart-to-heart talks that never happen in real life.
Also central to the story is Jim's relationship with Linda, which seems to be a painfully one-sided affair. Linda is a very good-looking woman, so why does she insist on staying with a man so scared of commitment, that his response to Linda telling him she loves him is, and this is a direct quote: “I know you do.” This angle of the story is rather frustrating—why would such an attractive woman, or any woman for that matter, put up with someone who clearly doesn't return their affections—but its inclusion all makes sense later on, as Linda's mental stability rapidly starts to spiral out of control, leading to a scene that's delightfully cheesy, in the worst way possible.
And that line sums up most of Witchboard: Overall, it's so terrifically lame that it's both impossible to hate and impossible to like, all at once. It never once even approaches the realm of scary: Linda's descent into madness is standard horror stuff, as is Jim's gradual acceptance of the possibility of the supernatural. It all plays out like it “should”, leaving only a couple of slight surprises along the way.
On to the production side: I do have to say that the writing is pretty good for a low-budget horror film, and it features some wicked one-liners. The characters are fleshed out well enough, though there really isn't all that much depth to any of them; still, Jim comes off as the lovable, sarcastic asshole that they were going for, with the rest of the characters displaying understandable annoyance at him. The acting is also above-average, with Todd Allen (Jim), Stephen Nichols (Brandon), and Kitaen all turning in good performances (also note that's journeywoman actress Kathleen Wilhoite, who played Patty Spence in "Cop Rock", among many other credits, as crazy psychic Zarabeth!).
Now that I think about it, I will grade it as ever-so-slightly above average, simply for its technical strengths...it's very competently made, which can be a pleasant surprise as far as low-budget horror is concerned. Director Kevin S. Tenney would go on to helm the cult-crowd pleaser Night of the Demons just two years later, before being relegated to mostly grade-Z, direct-to-video schlock. I guess that's the double-edged sword of the movie industry; all it takes is one misstep to take you from promising up-and-coming talent, to no-name nobody with the odds stacked entirely against you.
RATING: 5.5/10
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