Writer(s): Chris Columbus
Starring: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Hoyt Axton, and Corey Feldman
The first time I saw Joe Dante’s Gremlins was about the same
time everyone sees Gremlins for the first time—as a small child. I was so small, in fact, that I didn’t
remember a single thing about it, and might have never watched it again had a
simple search for popular Christmas movies not placed it back on my radar.
I really wish it hadn’t, because this movie is
godawful. Kids may like it, which is no
surprise, considering kids can be entertained by the stupidest of things for
hours, but how anyone over the age of ten can enjoy this is beyond me. It’s the kind of movie where people are given
clear instructions on what to do, completely ignore them, and then we are
supposed to cheer for them as they try to fix everything wrong that they’ve
done. I don’t get any satisfaction out
of cheering for complete morons.
Gremlins begins with some idiot dad going into a creepy,
hidden shop in Chinatown . He’s an inventor, and apparently feels the
best place to sell some of his items is in a hidden shop so far off the beaten
path that the owner’s grandson has to lead him to it. Anyway, while he’s there, he hears noises
coming from a small chest, and discovers what the owner and his grandson call a
“mogwai”: he’s a cute little furry
creature that strongly resembles a Furby (through no coincidence; Tiger
Electronics clearly modeled the look of their “smart toy” after the little
guy). The owner refuses to sell the
mogwai to the inventor, but he ends up talking the grandson into selling it to
him.
After the purchase, he is alerted to three super-important
rules: 1.) Keep the mogwai away from bright lights, but especially sunlight.
2.) Do not put him anywhere near water, and 3.) Do not feed him after midnight
(a curious rule, considering feeding him at 8 a.m. is technically “after midnight,”
and no specific timeframe is ever mentioned).
The inventor dad immediately gives it to his son, Billy (who I was
thinking would be very young from the way the dad was talking about him to the
shop owner, but he turns out to be a teenager), and alerts him to the three
rules. True-to-form, Billy’s friend
knocks water onto the poor creature, because it seemingly is impossible to not
have water anywhere near something at all times. This causes him to “give birth” to several
other adorable mogwais.
Fascinated by this, Billy takes him to his science teacher
for analysis, but conveniently forgets to warn him of the rules; things get bad
when he feeds a mogwai after midnight, causing him to turn into an evil
gremlin! Astonishingly, Billy also feeds
his mogwai offspring after midnight, because he didn’t realize that his clock
was stuck at 11:40 for three hours—as it turns out, they cut the cord to the
clock to trick Billy into feeding them!
At first, the freshly-born mogwais all look cute and
innocent, but soon turn into evil gremlins who want to make life terrible for
all of mankind. And there you have it…it
alternates between scenes of the gremlins terrorizing Gizmo, the cute and initial mogwai the dad purchased from the shop, with scenes of
them causing destruction all over the town.
And of course it’s up to Billy to stop it.
The writing is flat and terrible; there is a strongly
divisive scene in the middle of Gremlins where the film’s obligatory love
interest/female lead Kate, recalls a horrifying story to Billy, about the
surprisingly disturbing fate of her father one Christmas Eve. Everything about this scene is terrible, from
the timing (the two are looking for something, and Billy never even
acknowledges her as she talks, so it just feels like she’s rambling on for no
reason), on down to the content, which could have been played for laughs, but
is completely and utterly serious.
Steven Spielberg and Chris Columbus (the film’s executive producer and
writer, respectively) both wanted it cut from the movie, because they couldn’t
tell if it was supposed to be sad or funny.
Director Joe Dante fought to keep it in, claiming that also summarized
the entire gist of the movie (which isn’t true—it’s clearly supposed to be
comical), and inexplicably won. I feel I
have to congratulate him on owning up to one of the worst scenes ever included
in any film.
Gremlins only has two things going for it, and neither
involve writing: the excellent effects work, and the fact that Gizmo is one of
the most adorable things ever put on screen.
Scenes of the evil gremlins frantically riding bikes are hysterical—it’s
a shame there wasn’t more of a focus put on their scenes, beyond showing them
grumble incoherent phrases while they drink and smoke (a joke that wears off
after the millionth time it’s shown).
Meanwhile, Gizmo is so freakin’ adorable that you just want to jump
through the screen and give him the world’s biggest hug—his noises and songs
only add to his utter adorableness. It’s
really no surprise that his look was ripped off for the popular toy line.
Rumor has it that the movie was originally going to be even
darker, featuring a scene where Billy’s mom was decapitated; her head tossed
down the stairs for comedic effect. As
filming commenced, the filmmakers agreed to tone down the violence, to make it
more palatable for younger viewers. It
was rated PG upon release, but many felt that the violence and dark tone was
too strong for a PG, but not nearly enough to warrant an R—this, along with
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, lead to the MPAA creating the PG-13
rating. Now imagine if Steven Spielberg
actually made daring, audacious movies instead of mainstream crowd-pleasers—he
might have helped usher in a rating between R and NC-17, like one Roger Ebert
was calling for, for decades.
Instead, we have a movie that came from a script that
Spielberg himself said, at the time, was “one of the most original things I’ve
come across in many years”. It comes as
no surprise to me that the master of bland, safe blockbusters would both call
this “original” and find something in here actually worth making.
RECAP: Painfully unfunny and poorly written, Gremlins
succeeds only in the excellent special effects work; scenes of the evil
gremlins riding bikes and cackling with sadistic glee are hilarious. Unfortunately, most of their scenes merely
consist of them angrily talking while they smoke cigarettes and drink
alcohol. Gizmo is utterly adorable, and
the sole consistent bright spot. If you do get stuck watching this, for whatever reason, look for Kate’s monologue, which is one of the worst scenes ever included in a
film. Whether you’re wanting to view
this as a Christmas movie, or a movie for any other day of the year, don’t.
RATING: 2.5/10
KATE'S MONOLOGUE:
TRAILER:
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