Writer(s): Morgan and Roy Moore
Starring: Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winestead, Lacey Chabert, and Katie Cassidy
My now-wife, but then-girlfriend, and I had only been dating
for a couple of months before we made the dubious decision to spend our first
Christmas together attending a screening of Glen Morgan’s awful Black Christmas
remake. Thankfully, it served as a
bonding event, as we both enjoyed some terrible gas station food that she snuck
in her purse while we made fun of all the incompetence on display. Not surprisingly, we were two of the only
people there (there might have been one or two other couples, if there was even
anyone else at all), because I guess a bad horror movie opening on Christmas
Day doesn’t spell immediate box office success.
So I knew going in to a rescreening almost a decade later
just how bad Black Christmas is, and time has not at all dulled the edges of
what makes this such an unforgivable mess.
Based on a classic horror movie with the same name, from none other than
Bob (A Christmas Story) Clark , writer/director
Glen Morgan (from Final Destination fame) seems intensely hell-bent on completely
destroying the memory of the original in any way that he can. This clearly isn’t the work of someone who is
remaking a movie that they deeply respect; it’s the work of someone who is
clearly just trying to earn a paycheck.
The plot is similar to the original, in that a psychotic
madman is stalking the inhabitants of a sorority, and offing them
one-by-one. Then, the actresses playing
each victim are forced to spend the better part of the next ten years starring
in films on either the Lifetime or Hallmark channels. And that’s really as far as we need to go
with the plot, because once things start firing on “all cylinders” (which in
this case is no more than one), it’s just one person getting killed right after
another.
I’m not at all a fan of the original, which has somehow
achieved the status of at least “minor classic”, but when compared to this, it
looks like the greatest horror movie ever made.
The characters in this remake are some of the dumbest ever committed to
screen; it’s sincerely baffling to me that Glen Morgan would put his name
anywhere near the finished product. But
that he proudly displays his name as both writer and director could be seen as
a fearless act of defiance; however, I’m more inclined to assume that Morgan
had no idea how atrocious this atrocity is, which makes it more a case of oblivious
ignorance.
None of the people display even a basic understanding of
common sense: Countless times throughout the movie, someone will hear a noise
and, no matter how unlikely it is that someone should be there, they will go
search for the cause of the sound. It’s
not lost on me that this happens many times in horror movies, but it’s Morgan’s
go-to device for murders. Maybe the
killer is smart after all; he knows all he has to do is make a noise, wait, and
he doesn’t even have to waste the time stalking any of his victims, because if
he’s loud enough, they will come right to him, no matter how much common sense
would tell these women to run.
Of course, we learn the killer’s backstory and motives,
apparently so Morgan can make sure to remove every possible ounce of ambiguity
or mystery or creepiness. Much of the
backstory is rather crude, and unnecessarily over-the-top; it strives for
shocks, but it only ends up being shocking for the simple sake of having to be,
because it has no other tricks up its sleeve.
Once these scenes wear away, all we’re left with are a series of women
getting offed one-by-one, by a killer whose identity we already know.
The only thing it has going for it are a couple of the kill
scenes, which manage to be interesting and splattery even while simultaneously
being incredibly stupid and (often) predictable). But even they can’t come close to
singlehandedly carrying this film from one tired cliché on to the next one—it’s
only 86 minutes long, and can’t even convincingly spread itself out to that
length.
Remakes are constantly the focal point of intense hatred
from horror fans, and one needs to look no farther than films like this one to
understand why. It’s nothing more than a
lazy cash grab from everyone involved; not only does it add nothing new to the
original, but somehow ends up subtracting from it. Bob Clark’s vision at least kept the film
grounded in reality and mystery; here, all we have are a bunch of Hollywood has-been’s (or
will-never-be’s) exchanging cringe-inducingly awful dialogue before voluntarily
walking into their own murders. No
thanks.
RECAP: Achingly awful. If you like the original, steer clear
of this one. If you hated the original,
steer clear of this one. Can almost be
watchable if you’re under the heavy influence of drugs or alcohol, but if
you’re even close to sober, there is absolutely no reason to support the
filmmakers for putting out such half-hearted dreck. Exactly the kind of films that rightfully
give remakes a bad name.
RATING: 1/10
TRAILER
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