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Thursday, April 20, 2017

Eerie Indiana, S1 E12: Tornado Days

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Matt Frewer as Howard Raymer
Harry Goaz as Sgt. Knight
Archie Hahn as Mr. Radford
Old Bob as Himself


Written by: Michael Cassutt
Directed by: Ken Kwapis

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“Eerie Indiana” is a show that has always prided itself on its bizarre ideas. And that tends to be the show's strength: it was unafraid to tread where other kid's shows would never dare to go. That being said, “Tornado Days” goes for outrageous, and ends up falling flat on its face, in a way that hasn't been seen since “The Retainer”. In fact, I would venture to say it's even worse than that one. It's a rather stupid idea, executed stupidly, and is easily the worst episode the usually creative show ever put out.

It's “Tornado Day” in Eerie, which is pretty much just an excuse for the locals to gather around for a community picnic. Ever the rebellious teen, Marshall refuses to go, and as a result, so too does his pal Simon (who, sadly, clearly wants to go, but would rather support his friend). Well, this pisses off “Ol' Bob”, the name given to the town's tornado (?) that visits Eerie every year on Tornado Day. Okay...

Things are already off to a bad start, but now we get another character tossed into the mix: A crazy stormchaser by the name of Howard Raymer, who crash lands on Marshall's front lawn. He informs Marshall that by boycotting the festivities, he is angering Bob, and sets out to find a way to tame the tornado before he wreaks havoc across the city. But his only way to do that is to get inside the tornado with his “Wind Rider”, which is basically a modified trailer.

Well I've spent enough time describing this, because none of it is remotely interesting or funny. Like I said, this show usually does really well when it comes time to dabble in the offbeat, but this one is just a flawed idea from start to finish. I was actually pretty excited to sit down with it the first time I read the synopsis, thinking there would be some typical "Eerie twist" that would make it a good episode, but it's just a straightforward failure. About the only thing I can give it is the tornado-themed dress that Marshall's sister Syndi wears...it's absolutely ridiculous, but she somehow looks adorable in it. (Kinda the way the looks adorable in anything.)

Overall, though, this is just a bad episode, full of uninteresting ideas, and lame jokes. Thankfully, this is the last bomb that I recall from the entire series; every show has its ups and downs, and this just proves that even an underrated show like “Eerie Indiana” isn't exempt from these issues. But man, what a bomb this is.

EPISODE RATING: 3/10

FULL EPISODE

(Actually found someone who just uploaded the series to YouTube last month. Considering episodes seem to be taken down with regularity, it probably won't last long, but here it is in the meantime. In case it gets taken down, a backup link is provided below.)

BACKUP LINK: Click here.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Burial Ground (1981)

Director: Andrea Bianchi
Writer(s): Piero Regnoli
Starring: Karin Well, Gianluigi Chirizzi, Simone Mattioli, and Peter Bark



I saw Burial Ground (aka Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror) once as a teenager, and was immediately enthralled by its complete lack of plot, which felt exactly like the kinds of films I was attempting to write in school right around that time. I was never much into the time required to fully flesh out characters, and so my scripts would usually require the action to start well before the tenth page, or else I would quickly lose interest in it (I actually lost interest in just about all of them regardless...out of dozens of attempts, I only finished two or three, and they are awful by today's standards). Sure enough, here we are treated to a brief (five minutes or so) introduction that ever-so-vaguely hints at a cause for the ensuing zombie outbreak, another five minutes (or so) featuring characters meeting in a villa, and then the rest of the movie is survivors vs. zombies in an all-out zombie apocalypse.

I kind of have to give it some credit for that, because once the zombies start rising, the film never slows down or eases up on the survivors, who all tend to stand around until the last possible moment before fleeing from the oncoming hordes. Unfortunately, that's about all I can give it, because, while it manages to be entertaining for long stretches (unintentionally, of course, but “entertaining” nonetheless), there's very little talent on either side of the camera.

It clearly takes its queue from the sudden international success of Lucio Fulci's Zombie (which, in turn, took its queue from the sudden international success of George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead). I've not made it a secret that I greatly admire Fulci's film--while still acknowledging it has more than its fair share of flaws—but what makes Fulci's vision work are the stupendous special effects. Sure, its characters are sublimely stupid, and unforgivably so, with the writers often having their characters stand “paralyzed with fear”, conveniently giving the incredibly-slow corpses time to shamble over and finish them off, but it worked because the make-up effects are still impressive to this day, while the gore effects just may be some of the best ever put to film.

Burial Ground is what would have happened had Fulci been a complete Z-grade director, with large chunks of screentime dedicated to lingering closeups of poorly made-up zombies slowly inching their way toward hapless victims, ear-piercing high-pitched synths often providing the sole musical backdrop for attack scenes (sounds made even more unbearable when seen in a theater, which I had the fortune of doing for the second viewing upon which this review is based). It has the feeling of a production that was shot and edited over the course of a single weekend, with only a day allotted for the atrocious English dubbing. The make-up effects, I suppose, are acceptable, but some of the zombies do look more humorous than scary, which offers up even more unintentional laughs. Meanwhile, the gore effects leave a lot to be desired, though many just consist of watching zombies tear out the insides of hapless victims, before gorging on their organs. It's appropriately disgusting, but the other effects are rare, generally weak and surprisingly tame.

The film would probably have slipped into complete cinematic limbo were it not for the random inclusion of a small child who is sexually obsessed with his mother. Played by 25-year-old Peter Bark, “Michael”, as he is known in the movie, has become a character of legend, with his likeness bearing T-shirts and other merchandise, even to this day. It shouldn't need to be said, but every sequence between Michael and his mother manages to be supremely uncomfortable, whether he's getting jealous as he watches her kiss his father (?), or attempting to feel her up as he makes out with her (?!); the infamous “climactic” scene between the two just may be one of the most nauseating scenes in movie history. (He does mostly redeem himself with one scene. Early on in the film, before the zombies attack, he grabs a random piece of cloth sitting on the floor, sniffs it, makes a weird face, shambles over to his mother, hands the cloth to her, and says, "Mother, this cloth smells of death!" I'd be lying if I didn't admit this is one of my favorite movie quotes of any film ever made.)

This is the kind of movie that will only appeal to a certain clique, and I cannot say that I am firmly entrenched within such a group. Sure, it has enough moments to keep you awake, but none of it could even remotely be classified as “gripping” or “suspenseful”. It's just an extreme cinematic cash grab, quickly written and shot so as to capitalize on the then-newfound explosion of the Italian zombie subgenre; seeing it in a theater only seems to heighten the amateurishness on display (while also magnifying the impact of the ridiculousness of it all). I have always admired it for its brazen lack of anything resembling a coherent story, but unfortunately when every other facet of the film suffers in a similar fashion, and the high point involves a weird-looking midget with a mommy fetish, there just isn't much there to recommend.

RATING: 3.5/10

TRAILER

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Eerie Indiana, S1 E11: Marshall's Theory of Believability

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
John Standing as Professor Nigel Zirchon
Harry Goaz as Sgt. Knight
Archie Hahn as Mr. Radford
Gregory Itzin as The Mayor


Written by: Matt Dearborn
Directed by: Bob Balaban

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Here we have an episode that pits the believable (science) against the unbelievable (paranormal phenomenon), and the battle is waged between Edgar, Marshall's scientific father, and Professor Nigel Zirchon, a man who arrives in Eerie with his "Traveling Museum of the Parabelievable". Zirchon, you see, is not an actual professor, nor does he have any sort of scientific credentials, but he still purports that everything in his “museum” is real, including the crisp, clear pictures of UFO's, and evidence of “mythical” creatures.

I shouldn't have to explain how excited our little Marshall and Simon are about this visitor, as they are certain he will simply confirm what they have always known: that Eerie, Indiana is the center of weirdness for the entire world. And their excitement reaches a fever pitch when Professor Zirchon makes an unexpected announcement: he has spotted something mysterious entering the Earth's atmosphere. His contacts at NASA confirm it can't be a spaceship or a meteor, so that leaves only one explanation: a flying saucer! And best of all, it's going to land right in Eerie!

But Edgar is skeptical. And so are we, as viewers, because Zirchon seems to be hatching some sort of plan with his assistant, that involves faking the whole alien landing! For their parts, Marshall and Simon want to get some approval from Zirchon, and bring a mold of a Bigfoot...er...foot that they took months ago out of a neighbor's backyard. Unfortunately, by the time they get it there, in a suitcase, the entire mold has broken in to little pieces. Poor kids!

Compounding matters is the mayor, who claims Zirchon's large vehicle is parked on city property, and so he must move by sundown, or he will be hit with a citation. Marshall, always being the helpful little guy, suggests he move the large truck to the Teller's driveway...needless to say, Edgar is not enthused about having to share a house with someone whose ideals and beliefs go in direct contradiction to his own, which leads to much tension between the two.

In a slight twist—one of many “slight” twists—the assistant who goes and sets up the fake space debris panics when he has a run-in with an actual Bigfoot! The following flare that he shoots in a panic is mistaken by Marshall and Simon as the falling space debris, and so the two go about to find it, dragging Zirchon and the family in tow. What they find is a metal ball that becomes the talk of the entire town!

And here's where things start to veer off from the standard children's show, as they most often do on this show: Marshall and Simon, in complete belief of Zirchon and his findings, search for proof in his laboratory...only to find the blueprint for creating the space ball, thus proving all of it was a sham. Or was it?

This episode has more twists than the average, and has a lot to say about the power of belief and family, with Edgar caught between telling Marshall the truth, or allowing him to believe things that aren't true. Where does a parent's obligation end? On the one hand, having an active imagination is certainly a good thing for a child (or teenager, or adult) to have, but it can also be counterproductive if it's allowed to go unchecked, and this plot provides the perfect setup for such an exploration of themes.

I will say the final “twist” ending didn't really do much for me; it's a little too “standard” for my tastes, especially given the unpredictable directions the show frequently likes to go. When taking the entire episode into consideration, though, it's above average and entertaining enough, and a good entry into the series.

EPISODE RATING: 7/10

FULL EPISODE
Click here. (Looks like a trap, it's not; embedding code is just over my head).


Monday, April 3, 2017

Train to Busan (2016)

Director: Sang-ho Yeon
Writer(s): Yeon
Starring: Yoo Gong, Soo-an Kim, Yu-mi Jun, and Dong-seok Ma



There are some movies that start off so ingeniously and unique that you just know they're going to be good; Yeon Sang-ho's Train to Busan is such a film. A man driving an urgent package to an urgent destination drops his phone and, while attempting to retrieve it, hits something in the middle of the road. It's a deer. He surveys the damage to the front of his truck, and looks a little upset, but the package is too important to care about anything else. He gets back in his car and drives off.

But the slow tracking shot back to the deer, along with the ominous swell to the soundtrack, tell us that something is not right. The animal is still, blood surrounding its body, just as we would expect. Then, it starts to twitch, then violently—and ever so awkwardly—jumps to its feet, the camera lingering closely on its face at which point what we already knew is explicitly verified: this deer might be moving, but it's not alive.

It's really quite an in-your-face open that sets you up for the “anything goes” world that you will be inhabiting for two hours. But there's also an ugly side to Train to Busan, one that's in direct contrast to the popcorn atmosphere that the film is trying to achieve. And it, too, is foreshadowed right from the outset.

In the very next scene we are introduced to Seok Woo, a businessman for a large corporation who seems deeply involved in his work. As it turns out, he is, to the point that he has to ask a coworker what to get his daughter for her birthday...after being reminded that tomorrow is, in fact, her birthday. Not surprisingly, we later learn, that selfish attitude is the main reason behind his impending divorce. Nothing in this movie can be that simple, though, so naturally, there's some collateral damage in this situation: their young daughter, who also happens to be celebrating her birthday the following day. And, of course, her only wish is for Seok to take her to Busan, to see her soon-to-be-estranged mother. Seok, ever the businessman, tries to use the “I'm too busy” excuse, but finally caves in to his daughter's request.

And that, even more than the occasionally amazing action scenes, becomes the film's trademark: It's all covered in a cloying saccharine coating, where every event feels like little more than a reason to beat us over the head with more emotion. Yes, we already get the strained relationship between father and child, because it's instantly made evident in several of the opening scenes. We already get that the child, who cannot be more than ten years old, is innocent, and sweet, and pure, and merely a victim of her father's workaholism. Yet the movie still rubs our noses in just how angelic the daughter is, even at the common sense cost of safety: After his father, a high-ranking executive, is tipped off about a route to avoid that would lead to guaranteed quarantine, she tries rushing off to tell everyone else. But when she is stopped, her father informing her that it's every man for himself in this scenario (a sad, but hard, truth), she accuses him of being selfish. Sure, stupid kid, it's only a good decision if you agree with it, even if your stupidity leads to the deaths of everyone around you, right? It's a movie that so desperately wants us to take it seriously, that it's impossible to feel anything but utter annoyance, especially as the painful outpouring of emotions continues to be a story device until the very end.

Now, don't take this rant the wrong way: there are movies that have successfully pulled off the difficult combination of emotion and horror. The Orphanage is a phenomenal example; it scared and moved me almost in equal measure. Even B-movies can do it: Trollhunter is unexpected proof of that, a film that had the audacity to “humanize” its monsters, something Hollywood would never have the guts to do. But the problem is the way Busan tries going about it: in the most formulaic, mundane ways imaginable. Each “heart-tugging” scene feels like it was ripped out of a Hallmark channel film, and with the same amount of conviction as you will find in those, which are themselves, tired retreads of one another.

Then there are the group of survivors, which are completely generic in mind and action. We already have “indifferent businessman who will change his ways and become a hero”, and “completely angelic little girl” covered, but there's also “popular cheerleader/athlete combo”, “rough-around-the-edges man who turns out to have a heart of gold”, his wife, who ticks the box marked “pregnant”, “homeless man who turns out to be okay after all”, etc., etc., etc. Bringing the groan-inducing cast of characters to completion is the “whiny rich man who will survive at all costs”; he also doubles as the film's central living villain, as if the overwhelming hordes of the undead aren't enough. It all becomes too much, and it eventually comes falling down under the weight of its own half-assed (though admittedly ambitious) ideas.

The title pretty much sums up the plot, in which a zombie outbreak befalls a train, leading the dwindling number of survivors to stay alive as long as possible against the growing hordes of the undead. That's it. And within this context, there are certainly some fantastic action sequences that show director Sang-ho Yeon can be a force to be reckoned with....no matter how much of a seasoned horror or action film fan you are, there's virtually guaranteed to be at least one scene that will drop your jaw to the floor. Along those same lines, I can't chastise him for lack of ambition, and many of the special effects are very well done. And the zombie movements, as well as their intense desperation to kill, are some of the best I've ever seen in a zombie movie, period.

It just becomes a problem when you're more dreading the obligatory banter between scenes, than you are looking forward to the action. And the longer that went on, the more I found myself disappointed with many of the “fight” sequences, which are largely bloodless (or only lightly bloodied), and in which it becomes clear just who the screenplay is favoring at any given time. If tired predictability is your favorite trait in a horror film, then you will have a great time riding this train; it's just an English-language audio track away from a multi-million dollar run at the multiplexes.

RATING: 5/10

TRAILER



Saturday, April 1, 2017

Eerie Indiana, S1 E10: The Lost Hour

Starring:
Omri Katz as Marshall Teller
Justin Shenkarow as Simon Holmes
Mary-Margaret Humes as Marilyn Teller
Francis Guinan as Edgar Teller
Julie Condra as Syndi Teller
Eric Christmas as Milkman
Nikki Cox as Janet
Lindsey Ginter as Garbage Collector

Written by: Vance DeGeneres (yes, part of that family; older brother of Ellen)
Directed by: Bob Balaban

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I've waited long enough, and meant to mention this before, but can we talk about the elephant in the room: This show's intro, complete with anti-theme theme song? It's ultra-bizarre, and in my limited television viewership, I would venture to call it one of the weirdest themes to any TV show ever made, kid or otherwise. At the same time, it somehow does perfectly capture the mood of the show: the music is not scary, just weird, and it borders more on the lighthearted side of things, while the visuals are humorous and appropriately quirky. I didn't dig it at first, but like everything else in this show, it managed to grow on me.

Anyway, many of “Eerie's" episodes don't put the characters in any real danger. However, “The Lost Hour” pits Marshall against some very creepy trashmen that toss anyone they find into their trash truck, thus compacting them to death. Thankfully, though, he finds a good Samaritan in the form of a milkman (What is it with milkmen, and milk trucks, in this show? They make appearances in several episodes to the point that it feels like some kind of inside joke.) who attempts to protect him.

And all this simply because Marshall refuses to accept that Indiana doesn't observe Daylight Savings Time (TRIVIA: the entire state did adopt it starting April, 2006, almost fifteen years after the end of this show's original run). After a little argument with his father, in which he attempts to talk his dad into letting he and Simon stay awake an hour later and fails, Marshall decides to take matters into his own hands, setting his clock back an hour anyway. Bad move. He awakes to find the town completely deserted, save for the aforementioned trashmen and milkman.

As it turns out, his little shenanigans disrupted the time-space continuum...everyone is still around, just an hour behind, in an alternate dimension. But as it turns out, he's not alone after all: There's another little girl named Janet (in another example of inspired casting, played by future semi-star Nikki Cox), who has been trapped in the alternate dimension for almost a year. If Marshall can't convince her to re-enter the real world by midnight that day, she will be trapped in that universe forever.

Janet, however, has already come to grips with the idea that she'll be resigned to the alternate dimension forever, and enjoys being able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, with no parental supervision. I guess having trashmen that are constantly trying to kill you is better than nagging relatives. Can Marshall change her mind before it's too late for both of them?

This is a pretty fascinating episode, with some tense moments (in the form of the trashmen, who can strike at any time), and a rather unique plot, at least for a kids show. It's also cool to see Nikki Cox in an early role, just a few years before she would play a reformed prostitute in the vastly underrated “Norm Show” (I don't know how I didn't notice; it was actually my wife that pointed her out). Overall, though, there's just nothing that really makes this episode stand out, and especially not above the more brilliant and poignant episodes that “Eerie” has to offer. It's good, but not great.

EPISODE RATING: 7/10

FULL EPISODE
Click on this here link. (Can't embed...looks sketchy but legit)