Perversions of Science, S1, E7: Panic

Starring:

Jason Lee as Spaceman Bob

Jamie Kennedy as Spaceman John

Laraine Newman as Becky

Edie McClurg as The Farmer's Wife

Harvey Korman as The Farmer

Chris Sarandon as Carson Walls

Bryce Ingman as Bed Sheet Ghost
Tracy Middendorf as Cheerleader
Steve Monroe as Gorilla
Kira Reed Lorsch as Vampiress
Maureen Teefy as Chrome

Written by: Andrew Kevin Walker, based on the "Weird Science" comic books, by William M. Gaines

Directed by: Tobe Hooper

“Panic”, directed by Tobe Hooper, starts off as one of the better episodes in the series: for the first few minutes, I was completely enthralled. It even had me thinking, at least for a little while, that this one would be restrained enough to actually deliver on all that it had promised. But I forgot that it wouldn’t be an episode of “Perversions of Science” if we weren’t constantly blasted in the head with an ever-increasing barrage of ridiculous ideas. It has the feeling of writers who were planning on an hour-long show, then learned they had to truncate their idea down to just thirty minutes at the last minute; no twist has time to settle before we’re hit with another one, until what was actually a very solid idea ends up essentially committing suicide.

Carson Walls (a rather lame take-off on Orson Welles) is a radio broadcaster who is furiously working on his new dramatic masterpiece. Entitled “Invasion of the Martians”, he is certain that this radio play is really going to resonate with listeners, and history tells us that he is right. This, of course, is a take-off on Welles’ own real-life adaptation of “War of the Worlds”, which was based off of the 1898 novel by H.G. Wells. Reports of the time have mentioned that the radio broadcast, which was mostly made up of a series of simulated news bulletins, caused real-life panic the day it aired; since then, this notion has been largely refuted, simply because the show had such a small listenership.

We are now introduced to John (Jamie Kennedy…yes, THAT Jamie Kennedy), and Bob (Jason Lee…yes, THAT Jason Lee), two roommates who are throwing a Halloween party later that night. Bob is excited because he found the perfect costume for the both of them: they will be going as aliens. I’ll admit, I thought at this point that I had everything figured out: the newscast would convince everyone, including their fellow partygoers, that aliens were among them, and they’d freak out on John and Bob, thinking they were actually aliens. But you can put that idea to rest, because it's not even close to how it pans out.

Soon it’s nighttime, and all of the partiers have arrived; there are around ten of them total. As expected, the radio broadcast kicks in, and specifically mentions that a bizarre spacecraft has crash-landed in a field in Newark, New Jersey, which of course happens to be just a few short miles from John and Bob’s house. A few more interruptions take place, and the college kids get more and more frightened. These scenes were actually very well done, and while it’s almost impossible to imagine any form of media having the same effect on people today, it shows just how truly believable it could have been back then.

But then at the height of the tension, John disappears into the kitchen, and when he returns….the entire episode starts a baffling, quick descent downhill. Even if I told you what happened next, that John and Bob were actually aliens, and they off everyone at their own party, believing that their own race had landed on Earth and started their takeover, I wouldn’t even be revealing anything about the ending. I’ll admit, as dumb as this idea was to me at first, it slowly started to make sense to me, and I kind of grew to like it: we know what kind of effect this radio drama had on real-life people, so I figured this was just a twist, showing us how real aliens might have reacted to the same radio play.

Then we get yet another twist. This one I will not reveal, but it just once again proves why “Perversions of Science” was such a bad, undercooked show, and it‘s a reason I mentioned earlier: it never believed in words like “subtle”, or “restraint”. Many of the episodes were born of interesting ideas, and thus, actually had solid foundations on which to build fascinating, effective shows. But they seemed to be more interested in blowing an effects budget that wasn’t even there, instead of developing their ideas into something more practical and interesting. This is exactly the case here: it blows two legitimately fresh, solid ideas in favor of an in-your-face finish that insists on being as pointless and “out there” as possible. Trust me, I typically enjoy things that are way outside of the norm, but not when it feels so forced or contrived; here, like with a lot of previous episodes, it just feels like an aimless shitshow.

Another big problem I’m starting to have is that, although it seems like this series wants to push the envelope, every episode is almost unbearably tame. For example, there is a body count of somewhere around ten in this episode, which is by far the highest of any episode to date, yet none of the deaths are even remotely graphic; the only blood that I recall is mouth-blood from a corpse. Even the sex that has appeared in previous episodes is bland; aside from some rather strong language, there’s not much that would have prevented these from airing on network television, even back in 1997. That’s probably another big reason that this show failed to connect with audiences, who were paying a premium to see it.

Ultimately, this was one of the more promising installments of this series, but it’s almost completely squandered by a needlessly over-the-top finale that wallows in stupidity--I went from being completely enthralled to disengaged and depressed over the span of a mere ten minutes. It just feels like it’s trying to bite off way more than it can chew, and that is no doubt a big reason as to why it was canceled in such a short amount of time. That, and Chrome’s double-entendres get really old after a short amount of time to anyone that’s not twelve or sexually-repressed; in other words, she’s no Cryptkeeper, and this is coming from someone who hasn’t really seen any episodes of “Tales from the Crypt”.

EPISODE RATING: 4.5/10

FULL EPISODE

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Director: Tobe Hooper
Writer(s): Hooper and Kim Henkel
Starring: Marilyn Burns, Edwin Neal, and Allen Danziger

A while ago, when I was in my late teens/early twenties, I went through a phase where I watched a string of severely violent movies, trying to find one that would test my limits.  Sadly, that was pretty much the only criteria; any movie I watched during that time that didn’t have enough red stuff immediately disappointed me.  As a result of this, there are quite a few movies that I have memories of hating, simply because there was no graphic gore.

One such movie was The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (with a space between "chain" and "saw" to denote the original; the remake spells it all as one word).  All I remembered from it were scenes of people being chased by chainsaws for what felt like eternity, and I was bored out of my mind.  But after viewing it again, with a much more open mind, I can easily see what all the fuss is about—even today, this is a powerful film.  And ironically, it’s actually the lack of gore that makes it more effective; by leaving a majority of the more graphic scenes to the viewer’s imagination, each individual viewer will naturally in the blanks with the most heinous things they can imagine, something the movie wouldn’t be able to do, given its low budget.

Although I’m sure you know it by heart (and there’s not much to learn), the story is a thing of beautiful simplicity, attempted by millions of movies, but rarely replicated:  Five young adults (including an invalid) take a trip to an old house that one of them grew up in.  In desperate need of gas (the only station in town ran out), a couple of them stumble on a nearby house—and with that simple setup, all hell breaks loose.

What I didn’t remember is just how unsettling the atmosphere is; there is a constant feeling of dread bubbling up just below the surface at all times.  Much of this is courtesy of the excellent atonal score, credited to director Tobe Hooper and Wayne Bell.  Unlike many scores of its era, there’s not a single ounce of cheesiness contained therein; we are at its mercy, as it broods in the background, sometimes just barely audible, lurking like Leatherface in the night.  It also avoids the typical clichés of the horror movie score; namely, the hand-holding string swells that gradually get louder as a character gets close to something scary.  A film’s music shouldn’t have to tell us when to be scared; that’s the job of the movie itself, and this is the perfect embodiment of that theory.

And that’s what makes Leatherface’s attacks—especially at the beginning—so shocking.  There is no build-up, or even much foreshadowing; it’s just a sudden attack that’s over just as soon as it begins.  Since we don’t have time to register what’s going on, it leaves us just as dazed as the character’s involved (with the added benefit of not actually dying!).  Then just as we’re getting used to that formula, it throws it out the window, subjecting the final survivor to prolonged psychological torture; she knows she is going to die, but the only question is “when”, leading to some squirm-inducing moments for both character, and viewer.

The performances range all over the map, from complete amateur hour (here’s looking at you, Jerry), to startlingly genuine (Marilyn Burns is excellent as Sally Hardesty, and Gunnar Hansen is terrifying as Leatherface).  I also question the point of featuring an invalid character; while I don’t object to it from a morality perspective (indeed, a well-written one could elicit strong emotional response from the viewer), the writing and performance have to be pretty spot-on for it to feel anything other than a cheesy gimmick, something that Texas Chain Saw Massacre's budget just simply doesn’t allow.  I’ll admit, there were a couple moments that I laughed during his scenes when I probably shouldn’t have; he isn’t given much to do, besides roll around in his wheelchair and complain about how bored he is.  And not to sound insensitive, but he’s literally set up to be the third wheel (pun intended); what sister would bring her paralyzed brother with her, on a summer trip with her boyfriend and another couple, when all anyone’s clearly interested in doing is getting laid?  It just reeks of cheesiness, the only bona fide misstep in an otherwise effective movie.

RECAP: Texas Chain Saw Massacre still relies on a dreadful atmosphere more than gore, which is its strong suit; it still manages to be shocking to this day.  The atonal score is excellent, providing plenty of intensity that matches the onscreen action.  Performances are all over the map, ranging from terrible, to excellent.  The film’s only misstep, in my opinion, is throwing in a paralyzed character, who seems like he was tossed in as a cheap gimmick; all he does is wheel around about how bored he is while his sister runs off with her boyfriend and tries to get laid.  Other than that, though, this has held up as an excellent horror entry; many classics I feel tend to be overrated, but this one hits the mark.

SCORE: 8/10

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